Ruining You (28 page)

Everything within me knows that the
words she speaks are true. Terror rises within me, and the thought that he will
try again destroys me. He can hurt me again. The thought that, forever, I will
just be waiting until he does. It’s a matter of time. No, not again. Making my
decision, I look at her as chills run down my body. Breathlessly, I say, “I’ll
do it. I’ll testify.”

Surprise marks her face, but she nods
saying, “You know you have to, Jay. You know this is how you claim your life
back. This is how you get justice for JT.” She looks at me like she’s afraid
I’ll change my mind.

Cringing, I realize what I have just
agreed to. This moment is surreal, and for a brief second, my life flashes
before me: the pain of my broken body, the life-ending decision he forced on
me, the choices, the thievery, the years of living in terror knowing he was
there around every corner, waiting for me. The letters, the flowers, and the
smirks as he watched me walk through school hallways, knowing what he had done,
wanting to do it again. 

“Jay, you are making the right
decision,” she assures me. “I have to make the call to the D.A.’s office and
let them know.” Looking at her watch, she smiles looking back at me, “and just
in time. There is a pre-trial meeting today with his lawyers, and they can tell
the bastard the great news. I’ll be right back.”

I watch as she walks outside, closing
the door behind her. My knees shake, and my stomach tosses with the decision.
I’m not going back on it. I can’t. My mother walks into foyer as I stand
motionless, frozen in fear. I don’t even acknowledge her presence.

“Jay, what’s wrong?” my mother asks,
shaking me by my arms.

Coming to myself, I gasp, “I’m going to
do it.”

“What, honey? What are you going to do?”
she asks hysterically. I don’t realize how this statement must sound to her. 

“I’m going to testify. I have to.”

A wave of calmness sweeps over her, but
tears fill her eyes as she looks back at me. “You don’t have to. You know that
right? You can choose to not ever say a word about it. That is your choice, and
no one is going to take that from you. They can’t take that from you.” She
wraps me in her arms, and I break down. Tears flow freely from both of our
eyes.

Through my sobs, I answer her, “No, I
want to move on. I don’t want to worry about if he is coming after me or not.
If I testify and he is still released, that is different, but at least then, I
would have tried. I want to do this, Mom. I need to.” She holds me until our
fears finish dripping down our faces.

Hearing the door open, I look up and
step away from my mother’s comforting arms. Agent Morris walks in. Looking at
my mother and myself, she replies, “You’re doing the right thing, Jay. Next
week we’ll have you come in so we can go over what will happen, and we’ll
discuss the logistics later on. I was able to catch the D.A. before they went
into the meeting with the defense. Bruce Branch will know today that you are
going to testify.” She leans in, gently touching my arm, “You need to be
careful. I wasn’t lying about what I said. From this point forward, any contact
he has with you or if you think you see him anywhere, you call 911 and ask for
me. Got it?

I nod. Softy smiling at me, she nods
back and turns toward the door to leave. She stops before closing the door
behind her. “It takes immense courage to stand up and face your fears, but I
promise that it will be something that you will never regret.” She closes the
door, and I watch as she backs the patrol car out of the driveway.

“What does she mean about being careful,
Jay?”

Not wanting to worry my mother, I lie,
“Nothing, just warning me to be careful as usual.”

Pulling away, I want to call Kane to
tell him what I’ve decided. I need to share my fears and let him wrap me in his
arms to hide me away from the rest of the world for just a little bit.

“Jay, what can I do?” my mom asks.

“I’m good. I’m just going to go see
Kane. He’s off today, and I was going to let him sleep in, but now, I think
I’ll take breakfast over.”

“I’ve got some fresh coffee and homemade
blueberry muffins. C’mon, I’ll load you up, and you can take some to him.”

Following her, I do just that. I pack
several extra in case Cole is there. I’ve only spoken to him a couple of times
since we’ve been back together, and in both instances, he was nice but not
overly. Kane’s mother cooked dinner for us last week so I could meet her. She
was so down to earth and nice to me. I see where Kane gets his smile and his
sense of humor from. We get along great, and we even made plans to have dinner
again next week.

An hour later, I arrive at Kane’s.
Getting out and grabbing the bag full of food that my mom packed, I head
towards the front door. After ringing the door bell, Cole answers in his boxers
and nothing else, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“S’up?” he asks as he opens the door
wider, inviting me in.

Averting my eyes to avoid looking at his
body, which I’m sure is a mirror image of Kane’s, I walk in and through to the
kitchen. I murmur, “Hi” as I walk past him. Placing the bag on the kitchen
counter, I start pulling out the muffins and coffee thermos my mother packed.
She also threw in some fresh fruit and utensils. As I’m fixing Kane a breakfast
tray of food, Cole walks in, still undressed. I have never felt so
uncomfortable in my life.

“Mmm...something smells good. What did
you bring?” he asks, rummaging through the bag as he stands next to me.

“My mom made some muffins and coffee,
plus there is some fruit,” I reply as I finish pouring Kane some coffee.

“Wow, lil’ bro is getting breakfast in
bed. Nice,” he says as he grabs a muffin and takes a bite. “You know, this is
the first opportunity I’ve had to talk to you alone.”

Closing my eyes, I dread hearing what he
has to say, but out of respect for his relation to my man, I look at him.

He sits the remaining muffin down and
glances into my eyes. “You fucked him up with your shit. I knew you would be
trouble the moment I laid my eyes on you, and for the first time, I really
hated to be right. I really don’t want him with you, but I don’t have a choice,
do I?”

Taking a breath, I start to say, “I...,”
but he cuts me off.

“No, let me finish. He’s already had to
deal with the loss of Matt, and if you would have told me that he would have to
go through more shit, I would have called you a damn liar. Once in a lifetime
should be enough for anybody.” He shakes his head and rubs the back of his neck
before bringing his head up to look at me. “But, I guess you would know more
than anyone about an unfair life. If you make him happy and if you are who he
wants, then I’ll be fine with him being with you, but do not fucking hurt him.”

“I love him, Cole,” I answer, staring
back at him. I want and need him to see the truth on my face.

Nodding his head, he takes another bite
of muffin, and with a mouthful, he replies, “Good. So do I.”

He grasps my shoulder with his hand,
giving it a squeeze before reaching for another muffin as he walks out of the
room.

I don’t have siblings, but if I did, I
guess I would love that they care enough to look after me; however, that was
awkward. I pray that I never have to be in that position again. Grabbing the
tray, I head down to his basement apartment.

Walking into his bedroom, I see that he
has kicked off most of the covers and he is wearing nothing but boxers. I can’t
help but think they are a good choice. I mean, after all, they do highlight
that luscious ass of his. He’s a belly sleeper, and he has his head turned to
the side and resting on his arms. My mouth waters at the sight of him. Laying
the tray on the night stand, I decide that he deserves a little something
special for waiting for me and putting up with my shit. I quickly undress down
to my t-shirt and panties. I swear the boy sleeps like a rock. 

Climbing into bed on my knees beside
him, I take my hands and rub them gently down his back. I begin to lightly
massage his neck as I bring my lips to kiss his shoulder blade. 

“Am I dreaming?” his raspy voice asks.

Kissing his other shoulder, I use my
teeth to bite down gently. His taste explodes on my tongue. I stop as he jerks
back. “Does that feel like a dream?” I ask laughing.

“Actually, I have this one fantasy,” he
starts jokingly.

I continue to massage his defined back,
letting my hands stroke lower over his cheeks and not stopping until I reach
his calves. Then, I make my way back up. Having just found out he is ticklish,
I let my fingers drift over his sides, and he wiggles his body.

“Hey, watch it,” he rises up saying with
a smile on his face and in his eyes.

It seems that the instant connection I
feel with him strengthens with every touch. Slowly leaning down, I bring my
lips to his, deepening my kiss then pulling back. “I brought you breakfast in
bed,” I say motioning to the food on the nightstand, but his eyes never leave
mine. “Are you hungry?”

“Yes, I’ve been hungry for you,” he
says, bringing his lips back to mine, “for too long, and now I can’t get
enough.”

“I’m all for gluttony.”

He laughs at my joke, and I can feel the
vibration against my lips. The hum runs down my body, igniting the fire that is
always stoked around him. Kissing laughs are my new favorite thing. Ever. 
Turning over, he pulls me down beside him. Wrapped in his arms and snuggled in
his warm bed, the whole world drifts far away. The only thing that matters at
this point is us. He makes me feel like breathing; he isn’t a choice. He is
what it takes for me to live.

Concentrating on his mouth, the feel of
his lips against mine, and the touch of his tongue, I enjoy every second. All I
needed was him to make me feel whole again and to take away the pain and worry.

Pulling back, he stares into my eyes,
“I’m not doing something right because you’re thinking, and I can tell.”

Leaning forward, I place my lips back
against his and whisper, “No that’s just it. You are doing everything right.
You take the hell and make it heaven.” Looking deep into my eyes, he searches
again for something.

“What happened?”

I don’t want to ruin the moment, but
we’ve made promises that we will be upfront about everything. There is to be no
guessing about what is going with one another. So I tell him, “I talked to
Agent Morris this morning. I’m going to testify, so that I can move on. I want
to be free of him, forever. For me. For us.”

He stares at me for a second before
suddenly launching himself at me, pushing me down against the bed, and coming
over me. His lips control mine. Kissing me hard and deep, he stops only to look
down at me.

“God Jay, I’m so proud of you. Your
strength amazes me and makes me want to be a better man for you. What made you
decide to do this?”

“Agent Morris doesn’t think he will
stop. She says that, at some point, he will either come back after me or someone
else. I can’t let either of those scenarios play out.”

“Will you please let me be there? I want
to. It will kill me if you don’t,” he pleads with me.

“Do you think you can stand hearing the
details? I wouldn’t want it to change anything between us.” I have to ask and
he has to understand that talking about it will strip me bare. Everyone will
see all the raw ugliness.

“Jay, I’m not going to lie. It’s going
to kill me to hear the details, but if you have to be there, I’ll be with you.”

Leaning my head up, I capture his lips
this time. How could I not love this man? It feels like I’ve known him forever,
yet he surprises me every day. Letting him love me is so easy, so I let him do
just that.