Plays Unpleasant (8 page)

TRENCH
. Certainly; since you prefer it. [
They shake hands on it
].

SARTORIUS
[
rising
] You will write today, I think you said?

TRENCH
[
eagerly
] I'll write now, before I leave here: straight off.

SARTORIUS
. I will leave you to yourself then. [
He hesitates, the conversation having made him self-conscious and embarrassed; then recovers himself with an effort, and adds with dignity, as he turns to go
] I am pleased to have come to an understanding with you. [
He goes into the hotel; and Cokane, who has been hanging about inquisitively, emerges from the shrubbery
].

TRENCH
[
excitedly
] Billy, old chap: youre just in time to do me a favor. I want you to draft a letter for me to copy out.

COKANE
. I came with you on this tour as a friend, Trench: not as a secretary.

TRENCH
. Well, youll write as a friend. It's to my Aunt Maria, about Blanche and me. To tell her, you know.

COKANE
. Tell her about Blanche and you! Tell her about
your conduct! Betray you, my friend; and forget that I am writing to a lady? Never!

TRENCH
. Bosh, Billy: dont pretend you dont understand. We're engaged: engaged, my boy! what do you think of that? I must write by tonight's post. You are the man to tell me what to say. Come, old chap [
coaxing him to sit down at one of the tables
]: heres a pencil. Have you a bit of – oh, here: thisll do: write it on the back of the map. [
He tears the map out of his Baedeker and spreads it face downwards on the table. Cokane takes the pencil and prepares to write
]. Thats right. Thanks awfully, old chap. Now fire away. [
Anxiously
] Be careful how you word it though, Cokane.

COKANE
[
putting down the pencil
] If you doubt my ability to express myself becomingly to Lady Roxdale –

TRENCH
[
propitiating him
] All right, old fellow, all right: theres not a man alive who could do it half so well as you. I only wanted to explain. You see, Sartorius has got it into his head, somehow, that my people will snub Blanche; and he wont consent unless they send letters and invitations and congratulations and the deuce knows what not. So just put it in such a way that Aunt Maria will write by return saying she is delighted, and asking us – Blanche and me, you know – to stay with her, and so forth. You know what I mean. Just tell her all about it in a chatty way; and –

COKANE
[
crushingly
] If you will tell me all about it in a chatty way, I daresay I can communicate it to Lady Roxdale with becoming delicacy. What is Sartorius?

TRENCH
[
taken aback
] I dont know: I didnt ask. It's a sort of question you cant very well put to a man – at least a man like him. Do you think you could word the letter so as to pass all that over? I really dont like to ask him.

COKANE
. I can pass it over if you wish. Nothing easier. But if you think Lady Roxdale will pass it over, I differ from you. I may be wrong: no doubt I am. I generally am wrong, I believe; but that is my opinion.

TRENCH
[
much perplexed
] Oh, confound it! What the deuce am I to do? Cant you say he's a gentleman: that wont commit us to anything. If you dwell on his being well off, and Blanche an only child, Aunt Maria will be satisfied.

COKANE
. Henry Trench: when will you begin to get a little sense? This is a serious business. Act responsibly, Harry: act responsibly.

TRENCH
. Bosh! Dont be moral!

COKANE
. I am not moral, Trench. At least I am not a moralist: that is the expression I should have used. Moral, but not a moralist. If you are going to get money with your wife, doesnt it concern your family to know how that money was made? Doesnt it concern you – you, Harry? [
Trench looks at him helplessly, twisting his fingers nervously. Cokane throws down the pencil and leans back with ostentatious indifference
]. Of course it is no business of mine: I only throw out the suggestion. Sartorius may be a retired burglar for all I know. [
Sartorius and Blanche, ready for dinner, come from the hotel
].

TRENCH
. Sh! Here they come. Get the letter finished before dinner, like a good old chappie: I shall be awfully obliged to you.

COKANE
[
impatiently
] Leave me, leave me: you disturb me. [
He waves him off, and begins to write
].

TRENCH
[
humbly and gratefully
] Yes, old chap. Thanks awfully. [
By this time Blanche has left her father, and is strolling off towards the riverside. Sartorius comes down the garden, Baedeker in hand, and sits near Cokane, reading. Trench addresses him
]. You wont mind my taking Blanche in to dinner, I hope, sir?

SARTORIUS
. By all means, Dr Trench. Pray do so. [
He graciously waves him off to join Blanche. Trench hurries after her through the gate. The light reddens as the Rhenish sunset begins. Cokane, making wry faces in the agonies of composition, is disconcerted to find Sartorius's eye upon him
].

SARTORIUS
. I do not disturb you, I hope, Mr Cokane.

COKANE
. By no means. Our friend Trench has entrusted me with a difficult and delicate task. He has requested me, as a friend of the family, to write to them on a subject that concerns you.

SARTORIUS
. Indeed, Mr Cokane! Well, the communication could not be in better hands.

COKANE
[
with an air of modesty
] Ah, that is going too far, my dear sir, too far. Still, you see what Trench is. A capital fellow in his way, Mr Sartorius, an excellent young fellow. But family communications like these require good manners. They require tact; and tact is Trench's weak point. He has an excellent heart, but no tact: none whatever. Everything depends on the way the matter is put to Lady Roxdale. But as to that, you may rely on me. I understand the sex.

SARTORIUS
. Well, however she may receive it – and I care as little as any man, Mr Cokane, how people may choose to receive me–I trust I may at least have the pleasure of seeing you sometimes at my house when we return to England.

COKANE
[
overwhelmed
] My dear sir! You express yourself in the true spirit of an English gentleman.

SARTORIUS
. Not at all. You will always be most welcome. But I fear I have disturbed you in the composition of your letter. Pray resume it. I shall leave you to yourself. [
He pretends to rise, but checks himself to add
] Unless indeed I can assist you in any way? by clearing up any point on which you are not informed, for instance? or even, if I may so far presume on my years, giving you the benefit of my experience as to the best way of wording the matter? [
Cokane looks a little surprised at this. Sartorius looks hard at him, and continues deliberately and meaningly
] I shall always be happy to help any friend of Dr Trench's, in any way, to the best of my ability and of my means.

COKANE
. My dear sir: you are really very good. Trench and I were putting our heads together over the letter just
now; and there certainly were one or two points on which we were a little in the dark. [
Scrupulously
] But I would not permit Harry to question you. No. I pointed out to him that, as a matter of taste, it would be more delicate to wait until you volunteered the necessary information.

SARTORIUS
. Hm! May I ask what you have said, so far?

COKANE
. ‘My dear Aunt Maria.' That is, Trench's dear Aunt Maria, my friend Lady Roxdale. You understand that I am only drafting a letter for Trench to copy.

SARTORIUS
. Quite so. Will you proceed; or would it help you if I were to suggest a word or two?

COKANE
[
effusively
] Your suggestions will be most valuable, my dear sir, most welcome.

SARTORIUS
. I think I should begin in some such way as this. ‘In travelling with my friend Mr Cokane up the Rhine –'

COKANE
[
murmuring as he writes
] Invaluable, invaluable. The very thing. ‘– my friend Mr Cokane up the Rhine–'

SARTORIUS
. ‘I have made the acquaintance of' – or you may say ‘picked up', or ‘come across', if you think that would suit your friend's style better. We must not be too formal.

COKANE
. ‘Picked up'! oh no: too dégagé, Mr Sartorius, too dégagé. I should say ‘had the privilege of becoming acquainted with.'

SARTORIUS
[
quickly
] By no means: Lady Roxdale must judge of that for herself. Let it stand as I said. ‘I have made the acquaintance of a young lady, the daughter of–' [
He hesitates
].

COKANE
[
writing
] ‘acquaintance of a young lady, the daughter of'– yes?'

SARTORIUS
. ‘of' – you had better say a ‘gentleman.'

COKANE
[
surprised
] Of course.

SARTORIUS
[
with sudden passion
] It is not of course, sir. [
Cokane, startled, looks at him with dawning suspicion. Sartorius recovers himself somewhat shamefacedly
]. Hm! ‘– of a gentle
man of considerable wealth and position –'

COKANE
[
echoing him with a new note of coldness in his voice as he writes the last words
] ‘– and position.'

SARTORIUS
. ‘which, however, he has made entirely for himself.' [
Cokane, now fully enlightened, stares at him instead of writing
]. Have you written that?

COKANE
[
expanding into an attitude of patronage and encouragement
] Ah, indeed. Quite so, quite so. [
He writes
] ‘– entirely for himself.' Just so. Proceed, Sartorius, proceed. Very clearly expressed.

SARTORIUS
. ‘The young lady will inherit the bulk of her father's fortune, and will be liberally treated on her marriage. Her education has been of the most expensive and complete kind obtainable; and her surroundings have been characterized by the strictest refinement. She is in every essential particular –'

COKANE
[
interrupting
] Excuse the remark; but dont you think this is rather too much in the style of a prospectus of the young lady? I throw out the suggestion as a matter of taste.

SARTORIUS
[
troubled
] Perhaps you are right. I am of course not dictating the exact words;–

COKANE
. Of course not: of course not.

SARTORIUS
. – but I desire that there may be no wrong impression as to my daughter's – er – breeding. As to myself –

COKANE
. Oh, it will be sufficient to mention your profession, or pursuits, or – [
He pauses; and they look pretty hard at one another
].

SARTORIUS
[
very deliberately
] My income, sir, is derived from the rental of a very extensive real estate in London. Lady Roxdale is one of the head landlords; and Dr Trench holds a mortgage from which, if I mistake not, his entire income is derived. The truth is, Mr Cokane, I am quite well acquainted with Dr Trench's position and affairs; and I have long desired to know him personally.

COKANE
[
again obsequious, but still inquisitive
] What a remarkable coincidence! In what quarter is the estate situated, did you say?

SARTORIUS
. In London, sir. Its management occupies as much of my time as is not devoted to the ordinary pursuits of a gentleman. [
He rises and takes out his card case
]. The rest I leave to your discretion. [
He leaves a card on the table
]. That is my address at Surbiton. If it should unfortunately happen, Mr Cokane, that this leads to nothing but a disappointment for Blanche, probably she would rather not see you afterwards. But if all turns out as we hope, Dr Trench's best friends will then be our best friends.

COKANE
[
rising and confronting Sartorius confidently, pencil and paper in hand
] Rely on me, Mr Sartorius. The letter is already finished here [
pointing to his brain
]. In five minutes it will be finished there [
He points to the paper: nods to emphasize the assertion; and begins to pace up and down the garden, writing, and tapping his forehead from time to time as he goes, with every appearance of severe intellectual exertion
].

SARTORIUS
[
calling through the gate after a glance at his watch
] Blanche.

BLANCHE
[
replying in the distance
] Yes?

SARTORIUS
. Time, my dear. [
He goes into the table d'hôte
].

BLANCHE
[
nearer
] Coming. [
She comes back through the gate, followed by Trench
].

TRENCH
[
in a half whisper, as Blanche goes towards the table d'hôte
] Blanche: stop. One moment. [
She stops
]. We must be careful when your father is by. I had to promise him not to regard anything as settled until I hear from my people at home.

BLANCHE
[
chilled
] Oh, I see. Your family may object to me; and then it will be all over between us. They are almost sure to.

TRENCH
[
anxiously
] Dont say that, Blanche: it sounds as if you didnt care. I hope you regard it as settled. You havnt made any promise, you know.