Plays Unpleasant (9 page)

BLANCHE
[
earnestly
] Yes, I have:
I
promised papa too. But I have broken my promise for your sake. I suppose I am not so conscientious as you. And if the matter is not to be regarded as settled, family or no family, promise or no promise, let us break it off here and now.

TRENCH
[
intoxicated with affection
] Blanche, on my most sacred honor, family or no family, promise or no promise – [
The waiter reappears at the table d'hôte entrance, ringing his bell
]. Damn that noise!

COKANE
[
as he comes to them, flourishing the letter
] Finished, dear boy, finished. Done to a turn, punctually to the second. C'est fini, mon cher garçon, c'est fini. [
Sartorius returns
].

SARTORIUS
. Will you take Blanche in, Dr Trench? [
Trench takes Blanche in to the table d'hôte
]. Is the letter finished, Mr Cokane?

COKANE
[
with an author's pride, handing his draft to Sartorius
] There! [
Sartorius reads it, nodding gravely over it with complete approval
].

SARTORIUS
[
returning the draft
] Thank you, Mr Cokane. You have the pen of a ready writer.

COKANE
[
as they go in together
] Not at all, not at all. A little tact, Mr Sartorius, a little knowledge of the world, a little experience of women – [
They disappear into the annexe
].

In the library of a handsomely appointed villa at Surbiton on a sunny forenoon in September. Sartorius is busy at a writing table littered with business letters. The fireplace, decorated for summer, is close behind him: the window is in the opposite wall. Between the table and the window Blanche, in her prettiest frock, sits reading The Queen. The door is in the middle. All the walls are lined with shelves of smartly tooled books, fitting into their places like bricks
.

SARTORIUS
. Blanche.

BLANCHE
. Yes, papa.

SARTORIUS
. I have some news here.

BLANCHE
. What is it?

SARTORIUS
. I mean news for you – from Trench.

BLANCHE
[
with affected indifference
] Indeed?

SARTORIUS
. ‘Indeed?'! Is that all you have to say to me?

Oh, very well.

He resumes his work. Silence
.

BLANCHE
. What do his people say, papa?

SARTORIUS
. His people? I dont know. [
Still busy
].

Another pause
.

BLANCHE
. What does he say?

SARTORIUS
. He! He says nothing. [
He folds a letter leisurely, and looks at the envelope
]. He prefers to communicate the result of his – where did I put? – oh, here. Yes: he prefers to communicate the result in person.

BLANCHE
[
springing up
] Oh, papa! When is he coming?

SARTORIUS
. If he walks from the station, he may arrive in the course of the next half-hour. If he drives, he may be here at any moment.

BLANCHE
[
making hastily for the door
] Oh!

SARTORIUS
. Blanche.

BLANCHE
. Yes, papa.

SARTORIUS
. You will of course not meet him until he has spoken to me.

BLANCHE
[
hypocritically
] Of course not, papa. I shouldnt have thought of such a thing.

SARTORIUS
. That is all. [
She is going, when he puts out his hand, and says with fatherly emotion
] My dear child. [
She responds by going over to kiss him. A tap at the door
]. Come in.

Lickcheese enters, carrying a black handbag. He is a shabby, needy man, with dirty face and linen, scrubby beard and whiskers, going bald. A nervous, wiry, pertinacious human terrier, judged by his mouth and eyes, but miserably apprehensive and servile before Sartorius. He bids Blanche
‘Good morning, miss';
and she passes out with a slight and contemptuous recognition of him
.

LICKCHEESE
. Good morning, sir.

SARTORIUS
[
harsh and peremptory
] Good morning.

LICKCHEESE
[
taking a little sack of money from his bag
] Not much this morning, sir. I have just had the honor of making Dr Trench's acquaintance, sir.

SARTORIUS
[
looking up from his writing, displeased
] Indeed?

LICKCHEESE
. Yes, sir. Dr Trench asked his way of me, and was kind enough to drive me from the station.

SARTORIUS
. Where is he, then?

LICKCHEESE
. I left him in the hall, with his friend, sir. I should think he is speaking to Miss Sartorius.

SARTORIUS
. Hm! What do you mean by his friend?

LICKCHEESE
. There is a Mr Cokane with him, sir.

SARTORIUS
. I see you have been talking to him, eh?

LICKCHEESE
. As we drove along: yes, sir.

SARTORIUS
[
sharply
] Why did you not come by the nine o'clock train?

LICKCHEESE
. I thought –

SARTORIUS
. It cannot be helped now; so never mind what you thought. But do not put off my business again to the last moment. Has there been any further trouble about the St Giles property?

LICKCHEESE
. The Sanitary Inspector has been complaining again about No. 13 Robbins's Row. He says he'll bring it before the vestry.

SARTORIUS
. Did you tell him that I am on the vestry?

LICKCHEESE
. Yes, sir.

SARTORIUS
. What did he say to that?

LICKCHEESE
. Said he supposed so, or you wouldnt dare to break the law so scand'lous. I only tell you what he said.

SARTORIUS
. Hm! Do you know his name?

LICKCHEESE
. Yes, sir. Speakman.

SARTORIUS
. Write it down in the diary for the day of the next meeting of the Health Committee. I will teach Mr Speakman his duty to members of the vestry.

LICKCHEESE
[
doubtfully
] The vestry cant hurt him, sir. He's under the Local Government Board.

SARTORIUS
. I did not ask you that. Let me see the books. [
Lickcheese produces the rent book, and hands it to Sartorius; then makes the desired entry in the diary on the table, watching Sartorius with misgiving as the rent book is examined. Sartorius rises, frowning
]. One pound four for repairs to number thirteen! What does this mean?

LICKCHEESE
. Well, sir, it was the staircase on the third floor. It was downright dangerous: there werent but three whole steps in it, and no handrail. I thought it best to have a few boards put in.

SARTORIUS
. Boards! Firewood, sir, firewood! They will burn every stick of it. You have spent twenty-four shillings of my money on firewood for them.

LICKCHEESE
. There ought to be stone stairs, sir: it would be a saving in the long run. The clergyman says –

SARTORIUS
. What! Who says?

LICKCHEESE
. The clergyman, sir, only the clergyman. Not that I make much account of him; but if you knew how he has worried me over that staircase –

SARTORIUS
. I am an Englishman; and I will suffer no priest to interfere in my business. [
He turns suddenly on Lickcheese
]. Now look here, Mr Lickcheese! This is the third time this year that you have brought me a bill of over a pound for repairs. I have warned you repeatedly against
dealing with these tenement houses as if they were mansions in a West-End square. I have had occasion to warn you too against discussing my affairs with strangers. You have chosen to disregard my wishes. You are discharged.

LICKCHEESE
[
dismayed
] Oh, sir, dont say that.

SARTORIUS
[
fiercely
] You are discharged.

LICKCHEESE
. Well, Mr Sartorius, it is hard, so it is. No man alive could have screwed more out of them poor destitute devils for you than I have, or spent less in doing it. I have dirtied my hands at it until theyre not fit for clean work hardly; and now you turn me –

SARTORIUS
[
interrupting him menacingly
] What do you mean by dirtying your hands? If I find that you have stepped an inch outside the letter of the law, Mr Lickcheese, I will prosecute you myself. The way to keep your hands clean is to gain the confidence of your employers. You will do well to bear that in mind in your next situation.

THE PARLORMAID
[
opening the door
] Mr Trench and Mr Cokane.

Cokane and Trench come in: Trench festively dressed and in buoyant spirits: Cokane highly self-satisfied
.

SARTORIUS
. How do you do, Dr Trench? Good morning, Mr Cokane. I am pleased to see you here. Mr Lickcheese: you will place your accounts and money on the table: I will examine them and settle with you presently.

Lickcheese retires to the table, and begins to arrange his accounts, greatly depressed. The parlormaid withdraws
.

TRENCH
[
glancing at Lickcheese
] I hope we're not in the way.

SARTORIUS
. By no means. Sit down, pray. I fear you have been kept waiting.

TRENCH
[
taking Blanche's chair
] Not at all. Weve only just come in. [
He takes out a packet of letters, and begins untying them
].

COKANE
[
going to a chair nearer the window, but stopping to look admiringly round before sitting down
] You must be happy
here with all these books, Mr Sartorius. A literary atmosphere.

SARTORIUS
[
resuming his seat
] I have not looked into them. They are pleasant for Blanche occasionally when she wishes to read. I chose the house because it is on gravel. The deathrate is very low.

TRENCH
[
triumphantly
] I have any amount of letters for you. All my people are delighted that I am going to settle. Aunt Maria wants Blanche to be married from her house. [
He hands Sartorius a letter
].

SARTORIUS
. Aunt Maria?

COKANE
. Lady Roxdale, my dear sir: he means Lady Rox-dale. Do express yourself with a little more tact, my dear fellow.

TRENCH
. Lady Roxdale, of course. Uncle Harry –

COKANE
. Sir Harry Trench. His godfather, my dear sir, his godfather.

TRENCH
. Just so. The pleasantest fellow for his age you ever met. He offers us his house at St Andrews for a couple of months, if we care to pass our honeymoon there. [
He hands Sartorius another letter
]. It's the sort of house nobody can live in, you know; but it's a nice thing for him to offer. Dont you think so?

SARTORIUS
[
dissembling a thrill at the titles
] No doubt. These seem very gratifying, Dr Trench.

TRENCH
, Yes, arnt they? Aunt Maria has really behaved like a brick. If you read the postscript youll see she spotted Cokane's hand in my letter. [
Chuckling
] He wrote it for me.

SARTORIUS
[
glancing at Cokane
] Indeed! Mr Cokane evidently did it with great tact.

COKANE
[
returning the glance
] Dont mention it.

TRENCH
[
gleefully
] Well, what do you say now, Mr Sartorius? May we regard the matter as settled at last?

SARTORIUS
. Quite settled. [
He rises and offers his hand. Trench, glowing with gratitude, rises and shakes it vehemently, unable to find words for his feelings
].

COKANE
[
coming between them
]. Allow me to congratulate you both. [
He shakes hands with the two at the same time
.]

SARTORIUS
. And now, gentlemen, I have a word to say to my daughter. Dr Trench: you will not, I hope, grudge me the pleasure of breaking this news to her: I have had to disappoint her more than once since I last saw you. Will you excuse me for ten minutes?

COKANE
[
in a flush of friendly protest
] My dear sir: can you ask?

TRENCH
. Certainly.

SARTORIUS
. Thank you. [
He goes out
].

TRENCH
[
chuckling again
] He wont have any news to break, poor old boy: she's seen all the letters already.

COKANE
. I must say your behavior has been far from straightforward, Harry. You have been carrying on a clandestine correspondence.

LICKCHEESE
[
stealthily
] Gendemen –

LICKCHEESE
[
coming between them very humbly, but in mortal anxiety and haste
] Look here, gentlemen. [
To Trench
] You, sir, I address myself to more particlar. Will you say a word in my favor to the guvnor? He's just given me the sack; and I have four children looking to me for their bread. A word from you, sir, on this happy day, might get him to take me on again.