Plays Unpleasant (7 page)

TRENCH
. Oh, I dont see that, exactly. Besides, your father isnt an easy man to tackle. Of course, now that I know him, I see that he's pleasant enough; but then youve got to know him first, havnt you?

BLANCHE
[
impatiently
] Everybody is afraid of papa: I'm sure I dont know why. [
She sits down again, pouting a little
].

TRENCH
[
tenderly
] However, it's all right now: isnt it? [
He sits near her
].

BLANCHE
[
sharply
] I dont know. How should I? You had no right to speak to me that day on board the steamer. You thought I was alone, because [
with false pathos
] I had no mother with me.

TRENCH
[
protesting
] Oh, I say! Come! It was you who spoke to me. Of course I was only too glad of the chance; but on my word I shouldnt have moved an eyelid if you hadnt given me a lead.

BLANCHE
. I only asked you the name of a castle. There was nothing unladylike in that.

TRENCH
. Of course not. Why shouldnt you? [
With renewed tenderness
] But it's all right now: isnt it?

BLANCHE
[
softly, looking subtly at him
] Is it?

TRENCH
[
suddenly becoming shy
] I – I suppose so. By the way, what about the Apollinaris Church? Your father expects us to follow him, doesnt he?

BLANCHE
[
with suppressed resentment
] Dont let me detain you if you wish to see it.

TRENCH
. Wont you come?

BLANCHE
. No. [
She turns her face away moodily
].

TRENCH
[
alarmed
] I say: youre not offended, are you? [
She looks round at him for a moment with a reproachful film on her eyes
]. Blanche. [
She bristles instantly; overdoes it; and frightens him
]. I beg your pardon for calling you by your name; but I – er – [
She corrects her mistake by softening her expression eloquently. He responds with a gush
] You dont mind, do you? I felt sure you wouldnt, somehow. Well, look here. I have no idea how you will receive this: it must seem horribly abrupt; but the circumstances do not admit of – the fact is, my utter want of tact – [
he flounders more and more, unable to see that she can hardly contain her eagerness
]. Now, if it were Cokane –

BLANCHE
[
impatiently
] Cokane!

TRENCH
[
terrified
] No, not Cokane. Though I assure you I
was only going to say about him that –

BLANCHE
. That he will be back presently with papa.

TRENCH
[
stupidly
] Yes: they cant be very long now. I hope I'm not detaining you.

BLANCHE
. I thought you were detaining me because you had something to say.

TRENCH
[
totally unnerved
] Not at all. At least, nothing very particular. That is, I'm afraid you wouldnt think it very particular. Another time, perhaps –

BLANCHE
. What other time? How do you know that we shall ever meet again? [
Desperately
] Tell me now. I want you to tell me now.

TRENCH
. Well, I was thinking that if we could make up our minds to – or not to – at least – er – [
His nervousness deprives him of the power of speech
].

BLANCHE
[
giving him up as hopeless
] I dont think theres much danger of your making up your mind, Dr Trench.

TRENCH
[
stammering
] I only thought – [
He stops and looks at her piteously. She hesitates a moment, and then puts her hands into his with calculated impulsiveness. He snatches her into his arms with a cry of relief
]. Dear Blanche! I thought I should never have said it. I believe I should have stood stuttering here all day if you hadnt helped me out with it.

BLANCHE
[
indignantly trying to break loose from him
] I didnt help you out with it.

TRENCH
[
holding her
] I dont mean that you did it on purpose, of course. Only instinctively.

BLANCHE
[
still a little anxious
] But you havnt said anything.

TRENCH
. What more can I say than this? [
He kisses her again
].

BLANCHE
[
overcome by the kiss, but holding on to her point
] But Harry –

TRENCH
[
delighted at the name
] Yes.

BLANCHE
. When shall we be married?

TRENCH
. At the first church we meet: the Apollinaris Church, if you like.

BLANCHE
. No, but seriously. This is serious, Harry: you mustnt joke about it.

TRENCH
[
looking suddenly round to the riverside gate and quickly releasing her
] Sh! Here they are back again.

BLANCHE
. Oh, d – [
The word is drowned by the clangor of a bell from within the hotel. The waiter appears on the steps, ringing it. Cokane and Sartorius are seen returning by the river gate
].

WAITER
. Table d'hôte in dwendy minutes, ladies and zhentellmenn. [
He goes into the hotel
].

SARTORIUS
[
gravely
] I intended you to accompany us, Blanche.

BLANCHE
. Yes, papa. We were just about to start.

SARTORIUS
. We are rather dusty: we must make ourselves presentable at the table d'hôte. I think you had better come in with me, my child. Come.

He offers Blanche his arm. The gravity of his manner overawes them all. Blanche silently takes his arm and goes into the hotel with him. Cokane, hardly less momentous than Sartorius himself, contemplates Trench with the severity of a judge
.

COKANE
[
with reprobation
] No, my dear boy. No, no. Never. I blush for you. I was never so ashamed in my life. You have been taking advantage of that unprotected girl.

TRENCH
[
hotly
] Cokane!

COKANE
[
inexorable
] Her father seems to be a perfect gentleman. I obtained the privilege of his acquaintance: I introduced you: I allowed him to believe that he might leave his daughter in your charge with absolute confidence. And what did I see on our return? what did her father see? Oh, Trench, Trench! No, my dear fellow, no, no. Bad taste, Harry, bad form!

TRENCH
. Stuff! There was nothing to see.

COKANE
. Nothing to see! She, a perfect lady, a person of the highest breeding, actually in your arms; and you say there was nothing to see! with a waiter there actually ringing a heavy bell to call attention to his presence! [
Lecturing him with redoubled severity
] Have you no principles,
Trench? Have you no religious convictions? Have you no acquaintance with the usages of society? You actually kissed –

TRENCH
. You didnt see me kiss her.

COKANE
. We not only saw but heard it: the report positively reverberated down the Rhine. Dont condescend to subterfuge, Trench.

TRENCH
. Nonsense, my dear Billy. You –

COKANE
. There you go again. Dont use that low abbreviation. How am I to preserve the respect of fellow travellers of position and wealth, if I am to be Billied at every turn? My name is William: William de Burgh Cokane.

TRENCH
. Oh, bother! There: dont be offended, old chap. Whats the use of putting your back up at every trifle? It comes natural to me to call you Billy: it suits you, somehow.

COKANE
[
mortified
] You have no delicacy of feeling, Trench: no tact. I never mention it to any one; but nothing, I am afraid, will ever make a true gentleman of you. [
Sartorius appears on the threshold of the hotel
]. Here is my friend Sartorius, coming, no doubt, to ask you for an explanation of your conduct. I really should not have been surprised to see him bring a horsewhip with him. I shall not intrude on the painful scene.

TRENCH
. Dont go, confound it. I dont want to meet him alone just now.

COKANE
[
shaking his head
] Delicacy, Harry, delicacy! Good taste! Savoir faire! [
He walks away. Trench tries to escape in the opposite direction by strolling off towards the garden entrance
].

SARTORIUS
[
mesmerically
] Dr Trench.

TRENCH
[
stopping and turning
] Oh, is that you, Mr Sartorius? How did you find the church?

Sartorius, without a word, points to a seat. Trench, half hypnotized by his own nervousness and the impressiveness of Sartorius, sits down helplessly
.

SARTORIUS
[
also seating himself
] You have been speaking to my daughter, Dr Trench.

TRENCH
[
with an attempt at ease of manner
] Yes: we had a conversation – quite a chat, in fact – while you were at the church with Cokane. How did you get on with Cokane, Mr Sartorius? I always think he has such wonderful tact.

SARTORIUS
[
ignoring the digression
] I have just had a word with my daughter, Dr Trench; and I find her under the impression that something has passed between you which it is my duty as a father – the father of a motherless girl – to inquire into at once. My daughter, perhaps foolishly, has taken you quite seriously; and –

TRENCH
. But –

SARTORIUS
. One moment, if you will be so good. I have been a young man myself: younger, perhaps, than you would suppose from my present appearance. I mean, of course, in character. If you were not serious –

TRENCH
[
ingenuously
] But I was perfectly serious. I want to marry your daughter, Mr Sartorius. I hope you dont object.

SARTORIUS
[
condescending to Trench's humility from the mere instinct to seize an advantage, and yet deferring to Lady Roxdale's relative
] So far, no. I may say that your proposal seems to be an honorable and straightforward one, and that it is very gratifying to me personally.

TRENCH
[
agreeably surprised
] Then I suppose we may consider the affair as settled. It's really very good of you.

SARTORIUS
. Gently, Dr Trench, gently. Such a transaction as this cannot be settled off-hand.

TRENCH
. Not off-hand, no. There are settlements and things, of course. But it may be regarded as settled between ourselves, maynt it?

SARTORIUS
. Hm! Have you nothing further to mention?

TRENCH
. Only that – that – No: I dont know that I have, except that I love –

SARTORIUS
[
interrupting
] Anything about your family, for example? You do not anticipate any objection on their part, do you?

TRENCH
. Oh, they have nothing to do with it.

SARTORIUS
[
warmly
] Excuse me, sir: they have a great deal to do with it. [
Trench is abashed
]. I am resolved that my daughter shall approach no circle in which she will not be received with the full consideration to which her education and her breeding [
here his self-control slips a little: and he repeats, as if Trench has contradicted him
] – I say, her breeding – entitle her.

TRENCH
[
bewildered
] Of course not. But what makes you think my family wont like Blanche? Of course my father was a younger son; and Ive had to take to a profession and all that; so my people wont expect us to entertain them: theyll know we cant afford it. But theyll entertain us: they always ask me.

SARTORIUS
. That wont do for me, sir. Families often think it due to themselves to turn their backs on newcomers whom they may not think quite good enough for them.

TRENCH
. But I assure you my people arnt a bit snobbish. Blanche is a lady: thatll be good enough for them.

SARTORIUS
[
moved
] I am glad you think so. [
He offers his hand. Trench, astonished, takes it
]. I think so myself. [
He presses Trench's hand gratefully and releases it
]. And now, Dr Trench, since you have acted handsomely, you shall have no cause to complain of me. There shall be no difficulty about money: you shall entertain as much as you please: I will guarantee all that. But I must have a guarantee on my side that she will be received on equal terms by your family.

TRENCH
. Guarantee!

SARTORIUS
. Yes, a reasonable guarantee. I shall expect you to write to your relatives explaining your intention, and adding what you think proper as to my daughter's fitness for the best society. When you can shew me a few letters from the principal members of your family, congratulating you in a fairly cordial way, I shall be satisfied. Can I say more?

TRENCH
[
much puzzled, but grateful
] No indeed. You are really very good. Many thanks. Since you wish it, I'll write to my people. But I assure you youll find them as jolly as possible over it. I'll make them write by return.

SARTORIUS
. Thank you. In the meantime, I must ask you not to regard the matter as settled.

TRENCH
. Oh! Not to regard the – I see. You mean between Blanche and –

SARTORIUS
. I mean between you and Miss Sartorius. When I interrupted your conversation here some time ago, you and she were evidently regarding it as settled. In case difficulties arise, and the match – you see I call it a match – is broken off, I should not wish Blanche to think that she had allowed a gentleman to – to – [
Trench nods sympathetically
] Quite so. May I depend on you to keep a fair distance, and so spare me the necessity of having to restrain an intercourse which promises to be very pleasant to us all?