Plays Unpleasant (10 page)

TRENCH
[
embarrassed
] Well, you see, Mr Lickcheese, I dont see how I can interfere. I'm very sorry, of course.

COKANE
. Certainly you cannot interfere. It would be in the most execrable taste.

LICKCHEESE
. Oh, gentlemen, youre young; and you dont know what loss of employment means to the like of me. What harm would it do you to help a poor man? Just listen to the circumstances, sir. I only –

TRENCH
[
moved, but snatching at an excuse for taking a high tone in avoiding the unpleasantness of helping him
] No: I had rather not. Excuse my saying plainly that I think Mr Sartorius
is not a man to act hastily or harshly. I have always found him very fair and generous; and I believe he is a better judge of the circumstances than I am.

COKANE
[
inquisitive
] I think you ought to hear the circumstances, Harry. It can do no harm. Hear the circumstances by all means.

LICKCHEESE
. Never mind, sir: it aint any use. When I hear that man called generous and fair! – well, never mind.

TRENCH
[
severely
] If you wish me to do anything for you, Mr Lickcheese, let me tell you that you are not going the right way about it in speaking ill of Mr Sartorius.

LICKCHEESE
. Have I said one word against him, sir? I leave it to your friend: have I said a word?

COKANE
. True: true. Quite true. Harry: be just.

LICKCHEESE
. Mark my words, gentlemen: he'll find what a man he's lost the very first week's rents the new man'll bring him. Youll find the difference yourself, Dr Trench, if you or your children come into the property. Ive took money there when no other collector alive would have wrung it out. And this is the thanks I get for it! Why, see here, gentlemen! Look at that bag of money on the table. Hardly a penny of that but there was a hungry child crying for the bread it would have bought. But I got it for him – screwed and worried and bullied it out of them. I – look here, gentlemen: I'm pretty seasoned to the work; but theres money there that I couldnt have taken if it hadnt been for the thought of my own children depending on me for giving him satisfaction. And because I charged him four-and-twenty shillin to mend a staircase that three women have been hurt on, and that would have got him prosecuted for manslaughter if it had been let go much longer, he gives me the sack. Wouldnt listen to a word, though I would have offered to make up the money out of my own pocket: aye, and am willing to do it still if you will only put in a word for me.

TRENCH
[
aghast
] You took money that ought to have fed
starving children! Serve you right! If I had been the father of one of those children, I'd have given you something worse than the sack. I wouldnt say a word to save your soul, if you have such a thing. Mr Sartorius was quite right.

LICKCHEESE
[
staring at him, surprised into contemptuous amusement in the midst of his anxiety
] Just listen to this! Well, you are an innocent young gentleman. Do you suppose he sacked me because I was too hard? Not a bit on it; it was because I wasnt hard enough. I never heard him say he was satisfied yet: no, nor he wouldnt, not if I skinned em alive. I dont say he's the worst landlord in London: he couldnt be worse than some; but he's no better than the worst I ever had to do with. And, though I say it, I'm better than the best collector he ever done business with. Ive screwed more and spent less on his properties than anyone would believe, that knows what such properties are. I know my merits, Dr Trench, and will speak for myself if no one else will.

COKANE
. What description of properties? Houses?

LICKCHEESE
. Tenement houses, let from week to week by the room or half room: aye, or quarter room. It pays when you know how to work it, sir. Nothing like it. It's been calculated on the cubic foot of space, sir, that you can get higher rents letting by the room than you can for a mansion in Park Lane.

TRENCH
. I hope Mr Sartorius hasnt much of that sort of property, however it may pay.

LICKCHEESE
. He has nothing else, sir; and he shews his sense in it, too. Every few hundred pounds he could scrape together he bought old houses with: houses that you wouldnt hardly look at without holding your nose. He has em in St Giles's: he has em in Marylebone: he has em in Bethnal Green. Just look how he lives himself, and youll see the good of it to him. He likes a low deathrate and a gravel soil for himself, he does. You come down with me to Robbins's Row; and I'll shew you a soil and a deathrate,
I will! And, mind you, it's me that makes it pay him so well. Catch him going down to collect his own rents! Not likely!

TRENCH
. Do you mean to say that all his property – all his means – come from this sort of thing?

LICKCHEESE
. Every penny of it, sir.

Trench, overwhelmed, has to sit down
.

COKANE
[
looking compassionately at him
] Ah, my dear fellow, the love of money is the root of all evil.

LICKCHEESE
. Yes, sir; and we'd all like to have the tree growing in our garden.

COKANE
[
revolted
] Mr Lickcheese: I did not address myself to you. I do not wish to be severe with you; but there is something peculiarly repugnant to my feelings in the calling of a rent collector.

LICKCHEESE
. It's no worse than many another. I have my children looking to me.

COKANE
. True: I admit it. So has our friend Sartorius. His affection for his daughter is a redeeming point – a redeeming point, certainly.

LICKCHEESE
. She's a lucky daughter, sir. Many another daughter has been turned out upon the streets to gratify his affection for her. Thats what business is, sir, you see. Come, sir: I think your friend will say a word for me now he knows I'm not in fault.

TRENCH
[
rising angrily
] I will not. It's a damnable business from beginning to end; and you deserve no better luck for helping in it. Ive seen it all among the out-patients at the hospital; and it used to make my blood boil to think that such things couldnt be prevented.

LICKCHEESE
[
his suppressed spleen breaking out
] Oh indeed, sir. But I suppose youll take your share when you marry Miss Blanche, all the same. [
Furiously
] Which of us is the worse, I should like to know? me that wrings the money out to keep a home over my children, or you that spend it and try to shove the blame on to me?

COKANE
. A most improper observation to address to a gentleman, Mr Lickcheese! A most revolutionary sentiment!

LICKCHEESE
. Perhaps so. But then Robbins's Row aint a school for manners. You collect a week or two there – youre welcome to my place if I cant keep it for myself – and youll hear a little plain speaking, you will.

COCKANE
[
with dignity
] Do you know to whom you are speaking, my good man?

LICKCHEESE
[
recklessly
] I know well enough who I'm speaking to. What do I care for you, or a thousand such? I'm poor: thats enough to make a rascal of me. No consideration for me! nothing to be got by saying a word for me! [
Suddenly cringing to Trench
] Just a word, sir. It would cost you nothing. [
Sartorius appears at the door, unobserved
] Have some feeling for the poor.

TRENCH
. I'm afraid you have shewn very little, by your own confession.

LICKCHEESE
[
breaking out again
] More than your precious father-in-law, anyhow. I – [
Sartorius's voice, striking in with deadly coldness, paralyzes him
].

SARTORIUS
. You will come here tomorrow not later than ten, Mr Lickcheese, to conclude our business. I shall trouble you no further today. [
Lickcheese, cowed, goes out amid dead silence. Sartorius continues, after an awkward pause
] He is one of my agents, or rather was; for I have unfortunately had to dismiss him for repeatedly disregarding my instructions. [
Trench says nothing. Sartorius throws off his embarrassment, and assumes a jocose, rallying air, unbecoming to him under any circumstances, and just now almost unbearably jarring
]. Blanche will be down presently, Harry [
Trench recoils
] – I suppose I must call you Harry now. What do you say to a stroll through the garden, Mr Cokane? We are celebrated here for our flowers.

COKANE
. Charmed, my dear sir, charmed. Life here is an idyll – a perfect idyll. We were just dwelling on it.

SARTORIUS
[
slyly
] Harry can follow with Blanche. She will be down directly.

TRENCH
[
hastily
] No. I cant face her just now.

SARTORIUS
[
rallying him
] Indeed! Ha, ha!

The laugh, the first they have heard from him, sets Trench's teeth on edge. Cokane is taken aback, but instantly recovers himself
.

COKANE
. Ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho!

TRENCH
. But you dont understand.

SARTORIUS
. Oh, I think we do, I think we do. Eh, Mr Cokane? Ha! ha!

COKANE
. I should think we do. Ha! ha! ha!

They go out together, laughing at him. He collapses into a chair shuddering in every nerve. Blanche appears at the door. Her face lights up when she sees that he is alone. She trips noiselessly to the back of his chair and clasps her hands over his eyes. With a convulsive start and exclamation he springs up and breaks away from her
.

BLANCHE
[
astonished
] Harry!.

TRENCH
[
with distracted politeness
] I beg your pardon. I was thinking – wont you sit down?

BLANCHE
[
looking suspiciously at him
] Is anything thematter? [
She sits down slowly near the writing table. He takes Cokane's chair
].

TRENCH
. No. Oh no.

BLANCHE
. Papa has not been disagreeable, I hope.

TRENCH
. No: I have hardly spoken to him since I was with you. [
He rises; takes up his chair; and plants it beside hers. This pleases her better. She looks at him with her most winning smile. A sort of sob breaks from him; and he catches her hands and kisses them passionately. Then, looking into her eyes with intense earnestness, he says
] Blanche: are you fond of money?

BLANCHE
[
gaily
] Very. Are you going to give me any?

TRENCH
[
wincing
] Dont make a joke of it: I'm serious. Do you know that we shall be very poor?

BLANCHE
. Is that what made you look as if you had neuralgia?

TRENCH
[
pleadingly
] My dear: it's no laughing matter. Do you
know that I have a bare seven hundred a year to live on?

BLANCHE
. How dreadful!

TRENCH
. Blanche: it's very serious indeed: I assure you it is.

BLANCHE
: It would keep me rather short in my housekeeping, dearest boy, if I had nothing of my own. But papa has promised me that I shall be richer than ever when we are married.

TRENCH
. We must do the best we can with seven hundred. I think we ought to be self-supporting.

BLANCHE
. Thats just what I mean to be, Harry. If I were to eat up half your seven hundred, I should be making you twice as poor; but I'm going to make you twice as rich instead. [
He shakes his head
]. Has papa made any difficulty?

TRENCH
[
rising with a sigh and taking his chair back to its former place
] No. None at all. [
He sits down dejectedly. When Blanche speaks again her face and voice betray the beginning of a struggle with her temper
].

BLANCHE
. Harry: are you too proud to take money from my father?

TRENCH
. Yes, Blanche: I am too proud.

BLANCHE
[
after a pause
] That is not nice to me, Harry.

TRENCH
. You must bear with me, Blanche. I – I cant explain. After all, it's very natural.

BLANCHE
. Has it occurred to you that I may be proud too?

TRENCH
. Oh, thats nonsense. No one will accuse you of marrying for money.

BLANCHE
. No one would think the worse of me if I did, or of you either. [
She rises and begins to walk restlessly about
]. We really cannot live on seven hundred a year, Harry; and I dont think it quite fair of you to ask me merely because you are afraid of people talking.

TRENCH
. It's not that alone, Blanche.

BLANCHE
. What else is it, then?

TRENCH
. Nothing. I –

BLANCHE
[
getting behind him, and speaking with forced playfulness as she bends over him, her hands on his shoulders
] Of course
it's nothing. Now dont be absurd, Harry: be good; and listen to me: I know how to settle it. You are too proud to owe anything to me; and I am too proud to owe anything to you. You have seven hundred a year. Well, I will take just seven hundred a year from papa at first; and then we shall be quits. Now, now, Harry, you know youve not a word to say against that.

TRENCH
. It's impossible.

BLANCHE
. Impossible!

TRENCH
. Yes, impossible. I have resolved not to take any money from your father.