Olivia (55 page)

“
No, it would be the distinct
opposite
of your luck.” He looks down at
me and leans in to kiss me. “If you’re that worried–and again, I
don’t think you need to be–just take the Plan B. It will eliminate
any questions you have.”

“
Eliminate is such an ugly word,” I
tell him, cringing. “And it shouldn’t be that easy to get rid of a
mistake we made,” I whisper. “It’s irresponsible, what we
did.”

“
Livvy, we thought we
were
being responsible. And shit, we
have
been,” he says with mild frustration. “That’s why
I checked with you first. We got caught up in the moment. That’s
all that happened. We had the best intentions, under the
circumstances.”

“
We probably shouldn’t find
ourselves in those circumstances again.” My voice is soft when I
say it. I know how much he enjoyed what we did. I know how close it
made us feel. I hate to take that away from us, but especially from
him. I await his argument.

“
We won’t,” he says. “I promise, I
won’t ask you again until... if and when we decide that we want to
make that kind of commitment to one another–and I’m not suggesting
I want to or anything like that,” he amends quickly.

I put my hand over my stomach, feeling a slight
flutter. This feeling is different from all the other ones I’ve
felt today. It’s as if the thought comforts me. He places his hand
on top of mine, and we both stare into one another’s eyes. A smile
grows across my lips.

“
Not yet.” His eyes are intense
when he says it. Even though he doesn’t mention the words, I know
he means that he does want to make that commitment, someday, to
me.

“
I don’t ever want to have this
conversation again,” I tell him. “I don’t ever want to have to be
faced with this choice, or with that pill, ever again. The thought
of eliminating any part of you, or me, or of
us
...” I can’t talk anymore, the lump in my throat
forming so quickly it catches me off-guard.

“
Come here,” he whispers softly,
shifting his body to face mine and pulling me into a hug. He clears
his throat. “I wish I could give you peace of mind without that
pill, but I can’t. But this pill isn’t an abortion, Liv. This pill
prevents you from having to have one, should you be pregnant and
should you decide you don’t want to be. I’m not sure that even the
most right-wing-fanatical person would say that what may or may not
be inside of you is a fetus. It can take, like, five days after sex
for conception. Did you know that?”

“
No,” I choke out. “And how soon
can it happen?” I ask, feeling hopeful. If it takes that long to
conceive, then I can accept that this isn’t a baby yet.

“
Well, it can be pretty soon after.
Thirty minutes or so, but Olivia?” He pushes me away to see into my
eyes. “Conditions have to be perfect for that. Are you beginning to
see how improbable this is?”

“
So it could already be growing
inside of me,” I mutter.

“
Take the pill, Livvy. Maybe I
haven’t convinced you, but I’ve convinced myself that there’s no
way this could happen. You wouldn’t be killing anything inside of
you,” he says quickly, his voice animated. “You’d just be getting
rid of your worry. That’s it.”

“
You’re sure?”

“
Yes.”

“
One-hundred percent
sure?”

“
Nothing’s one-hundred percent. I
could draw you diagrams or–”

“
Stop making jokes!” I scoot over
about a foot on the bench.

“
I’m not! All right, I’m
ninety-five percent certain. That’s as good as it gets.”

“
So you say there’s a five percent
chance I’m pregnant with our baby.”

“
God, Liv,” he says with a burst of
air, as if he’s just had the wind knocked out of him. “Don’t say it
like that.”

“
It’s what it is.”

“
It’s not. Two percent chance,
then. Is that better?”

“
None of this is better, or good,
or anything like that.”

“
I am so sorry I’ve put you in this
position, baby.”

“
Stop callin–”

“
I’m sorry. Olivia,” he says,
getting off of the bench and kneeling down in front of me, “I am so
sorry. What can I do?”

“
Accept whatever decision I
make.”

“
I already told you I would. That’s
a given. I love you. You are the most important thing in the world
to me,” he says as his hand rubs my outer thigh. “And in three
weeks, when we find out you’re not pregnant–” He puts his finger
over my mouth before I have a chance to argue. “I will feel the
exact same.”

I move his hand away. “If I am, would you marry
me?”

“
If you wanted that, yes. But we
wouldn’t have to get married. I’d be there with you regardless. I’d
be there for...” He sighs and then swallows. “For our
baby
.” His gaze turns distant as he looks over my
shoulder. “A baby,” he repeats, as if it’s just dawned on him what
we’ve been talking about.

“
See?”

“
It’s not a... it’s not that,” he
repeats, trying to sound casual again. “It’s not.”

“
We can’t be sure.”

“
We can with the pill,” he suggests
once more.

“
What would you do?” When I’d asked
him the same question earlier in the day, he said he wouldn’t take
it, but I sense his answer has changed.

“
If it will ease your mind, I’d
take it.”

“
Two-percent chance?” I ask
him.

“
I still think even that’s high.
But I understand that even one-percent means it could happen. I
know that’s what’s keeping you from making this decision.” He wipes
away the remnants of my tears. “You know what you’re going to
do?”

“
I’ll take it.” My voice is barely
audible. “It’s not the right time for this.”

“
Okay.” He sounds a little
relieved. “Want to do it now?”

“
No, I’m fine. I’ll do it before
bed. I have a feeling I’ll cry, and I don’t want to raise
suspicions with my parents. Plus, Finn’s still here,” I say with a
quiet laugh, standing up, taking Jon’s hand and walking back toward
the house. “Wonder if he’s had enough time to figure out his lines
yet.”

“
Doubtful,” Jon says. “Good luck
with that.”

“
Thanks.” We kiss once more before
going through the back door.

“
Call me later?” he
asks.

“
Okay. Thanks for coming.” My
parents are both in Trey’s room, trying to get him settled into
bed.

“
Tell your mom and dad I said
goodbye. And thank Finn for me, okay? For calling me?”

“
I will.”

He hugs me tightly, rubbing my back. “You’ll be
fine. You can do this.”

I don’t think I can.
I
smile as I show him out and close the door.

Before bed, I make the only choice I know I can live
with. After crushing the pill box, I shove it haphazardly in a
plastic grocery sack and bury it in the garbage can in the garage.
I put my future in Jon’s hands yesterday, and it felt right. I
trust him–and his instincts–today. I always will.

Hopefully, he’ll never even have to know I couldn’t
go through with it.

Weeks go by before I’m convinced that I’m not
pregnant, and when I finally accept it, I’m in a better mood than
I’ve been in since Spring Break. I take my time getting ready for
dinner on Wednesday, excited to see Jon.

When the doorbell rings, I rush out of the bathroom
and up the stairs to be the first one to the door. Trey, of course,
beats me there, but he knows he’s not allowed to answer it without
an adult. He’s wearing his mitt on his left hand, ready to play.
His right hand is poised on the knob, confident that Jon’s on the
other side of the door.

“
Trey, no catch tonight,” I tell
him quickly, moving his hand from the knob and opening it
myself.

“
Why?” he whines.

“
Because I said so.” I kiss Jon
quickly, surprising him with my sudden affection. My brother erupts
into a squealing fit behind us.

“
What’s wrong, buddy?” Jon asks
Trey after breaking away from me.

“
Livvy said you weren’t going to
play catch tonight,” he sobs. Jon looks at me, confused.

“
I haven’t seen you in almost a
week,” I plead.

“
Not even a few minutes?” he asks
me softly. He could have yelled it, and the sound of his voice
wouldn’t carry over Trey’s crying. “You can play with
us.”

I grimace, pursing my lips and choosing not to
answer. He steps past me into the house, walking confidently into
the kitchen where my dad is cooking dinner while Mom consoles my
brother. I shut the door quietly, but snap back into my good mood
immediately, catching up to him.

“
Jon’s here for Livvy, Trey,” my
mother says to him, kneeling on the floor in front of him and
wiping tears away with a paper towel.

“
But he... he...” he
sniffles.

“
I’m gonna play with you, Trey,”
Jon says. “Just after dinner, we’ll go out back for a bit. Don’t
worry. Livvy can share me.” He raises his eyebrows, as if asking my
permission.

“
Fine,” I say.

“
He’ll only play if you stop
crying, though, Jackson,” my father warns him. “He doesn’t play
with babies,” he says.

“
Jacks,” Mom says with a
sigh.

“
You can’t keep coddling him like
this, Poppet,” he says. “The boy needs to learn that he won’t
always get his way by throwing a fit.”

“
To be fair, honey, Livvy didn’t
learn that until she was twelve,” my mom says. “And with some
things, it was much later.”

“
That’s not true!” I argue, knowing
she’s kidding.

Dad’s expression is playful as they stare at one
another, Mom challenging him. “Don’t encourage him, please,” he
says softly.

My mother kisses Trey’s cheek after his last tear
has fallen. “You’re fine, right, Trey? My little baby boy?”

“
I’m not a baby,” he says, his
forehead crinkled. The expression looks so much like one Dad would
make.

“
No?” Mom asks. “Then no more
tears.” She stands up and ruffles his hair, returning to the stove
to help Dad. They kiss before tending to the food they’ve been
preparing. “Liv, why don’t you two set the table?”

I hand Jon the plates and get out the silverware,
following him around the table until all the places are arranged.
“Are you getting ready for your finals?” Dad asks Jon as we all sit
down.

“
I’m starting to study. I have two
major projects to finish up, but I feel good about them
both.”

“
How do you think your grades
are?”

“
A’s,” Jon says, then shrugs. “So
far, nothing has really been too challenging this year. If you go
to class, and have half a brain, you’ll do fine there.”

“
I think your brain might be a
little more impressive than most,” Dad says. “I’m impressed,
anyway.”

“
Thanks, Jack,” my boyfriend says,
and I smile proudly. “That means a lot to me.” Dad nods and takes a
bite.

“
When will you see your family
again?” Mom asks.

“
I’m, ummm...” Jon hesitates,
looking at me. “I think I’ll visit this summer.”

I give him a curious glance, wondering why he
paused.

“
I thought, you know, maybe,” he
stammers, suddenly nervous, “that Livvy might be able to come out
and see everyone for a few days. My mom’s been asking about her. My
brothers would like to see her, too.”

Dad shifts in his chair, his eyes focused on the
food in front of him.

“
We’d be staying with my aunt.
She’d have her own room,” Jon tries to convince them. “I’ll room
with one of my brothers, it’s not a problem. And I wouldn’t dream
of...” His voice trails off. “... as a guest in her house,
and–”

“
I’ll think about it,
Jon.”

I put my hand on Jon’s arm, wondering why he hadn’t
run the idea past me first. “Thanks,” Jon says with a sigh, pulling
his arm back and linking his fingers with mine.

Dad’s cell phone vibrates on the counter, but he
ignores it, as he normally does at dinner time. “Jon, has Livvy
said anything to you about her college choice?”

“
You’ve made a decision?” he asks
expectantly.

I shake my head as Mom’s cell phone rings in her
purse. My parents look at one another, recognizing that someone’s
trying to get in touch with them. Dad goes to her purse and checks
out the name on the display.

“
It’s Steven,” he says quickly as
he answers it. “Everything okay? Yeah?” he says with a smile.
“She’s here!” Dad announces.

“
Whose?” my mom and I ask
together.

“
Kaydra,” Dad laughs, then reminds
us that Lexi’s not due for another month. He listens to his brother
again. “Congratulations. That’s beautiful, Stevie. Elizabeth,” he
says to us. “They’re naming her after our grandmother.”

“
Where are they?” Mom
asks.

“
Central,” Dad says, then returns
to the call. “We’d love to come up. We’re just finishing dinner...
forty-five minutes? Okay, I’ll see you then.”