Olivia (50 page)

“
You want me to want you, don’t
you?” His voice is lower than normal, both in volume and tone. His
eyes glint, catching the light from a lantern on the railing.
I don’t.
But I don’t want him not to,
either. I don’t want to be undesirable... to
any
guy.

I run my hand along Tally Ho’s long nose, finally
leaning in and kissing her soft fur. Finn and I stare at one
another the whole time.

“
Goodnight, Livvy. Sweet dreams.” I
glare at him as I open the door, waiting until the last second
before he turns around to flip him off.

“
Hey, guys,” I say to my parents
when I come inside. Trey’s not in the room with them, which means
he’s either in bed or is staying with someone else
tonight.

“
Beautiful night for a ride,” my
mom says. I settle on the couch next to her, watching her draw
shapes on her computer.

“
Yeah.” My response is
monotone.

“
Did you go over the brook?” Dad
asks.

“
Yeah.” There’s no sense in lying.
Plus, Finn’s the one who would get in the most trouble, not me. “He
brought beer, too.”

Dad puts down the book he’d been reading and waits
for me to say more. “Did you drink with him?”

“
I had a sip, but it’s beer,” I
tell him. “I don’t like the taste.” I pull my knees into my chest,
bracing myself for his disappointment.

“
Thank you,” he says.

“
You’re not mad?”

“
At you? No,” he answers. “Finn’s
got another think coming, though.”

I can’t hide my self-satisfied smile. “Poor, stupid
Finn.” I think about telling my dad about the weed, but I know
that’s crossing a serious line with him. As much as I know he needs
to know, I don’t want to get Finn or my cousins in that much
trouble. I decide to let them fend for themselves. “I’m gonna go
call Jon, and probably go to bed, if that’s okay?” I half tell,
half ask.

“
That’s fine,” Mom
answers.

“
Dad, where’s the
Vicodin?”

“
Your bedside table,” he says.
“Don’t overdo it.”

I roll my eyes before I kiss him on the cheek. He
hugs me and smiles.

Upstairs, it takes Jon four rings to answer his
phone, but when he does, a laugh still lingers in his throat. “Hey,
baby,” he says.

“
Hi,” I say meekly after swallowing
my pills.

“
How are you? How’s the
hand?”

“
It’s achy... but fine. I’m
sufficiently medicated.”

“
You’re funny when you’re loopy.” I
hear his brothers loudly in the background, their voices cheerful
and lively.

“
How’s your family?”

“
Great,” he says. “Night and day
difference, Liv,” he says in a hushed voice. “Will and Max have
made so many friends, and my mom,” he pauses. “Mom is sober. I’m
not sure I’ve ever known her sober. She’s a different woman.” With
every breath, I hear relief.

“
I’m so happy to hear that. It’s
about time.”

“
Yeah,” he says. “How’s
yours?”

“
Big,” I say. “I forget how much I
like my privacy.”

“
Are you alone now?”

“
I am. My room and studio here are
better than the ones in Manhattan,” I admit. In past years, my
cousins have camped out on the floor here with me, but I didn’t
invite them this year. “Fortunately, we have our own compound here
in Wyoming,” I say with a laugh. “And there are plans to add more
houses when more families come along. They’re working on one for
Lexi and Kyle right now.”

“
Your life just astounds me
sometimes,” he chuckles.

“
I wish you were here,” I tell
him.

“
I wish you were here,” he returns,
“to see this.”

“
Maybe after graduation,” I
suggest.

“
Maybe. Tell me what you did with
your day. The picture of you was beautiful. Did your mom take
it?”

“
No, Finn and I went for a
horseback ride,” I say casually, even though I suspect the
conversation that will follow won’t be nearly as casual.

“
I wish I was there,” he laughs.
“You’d have to teach me how, though.”

“
I’m not very good.”

“
Yeah, how do you do that with one
hand? Surely your dad–”

“
Of course my dad wouldn’t let me
do anything so dangerous,” I say, exaggerating the word dangerous.
“I rode double with him.”

“
Really?” he says. “Who’s in front
when you ride double?”

“
The more experienced
rider.”

“
So him?”

“
Yeah.” He’s silent. “You
okay?”

“
Better. A little better, knowing
that.”

“
Well then you’re not going to like
what I tell you next.”

“
What?”

“
He tried to kiss me.”

“
That son of a–”

“
Jon, calm down. It’s
Finn
.”

“
Remember when I told you that you
don’t pay attention to your surroundings? That boy looks at you in
suggestive ways when you’re not looking, Olivia.” It sounds as if
he’s scolding me.

“
No, he doesn’t. He was just
messing with me.” He’d said that. I’m not sure I believe him, but
he said that.

“
What’d you do?” he asks, getting
back to the main subject.

“
I pushed him away and laughed at
him.”

“
Idiot,” Jon mutters. “I’ve never
trusted him, not for one second.”

“
He’s harmless. And plus, even if
he was interested, he has nothing on you. Nothing at
all.”

“
He’s–like–he’s your
family
!” he exclaims. “I realize he’s not, but it just
seems a bit twisted to me.”

“
I told him he was dysfunctional,”
I tell him. “It’s twisted to me, too.”

“
But you said he was messing with
you?”

“
That’s what he said.”

“
After you shot him
down?”

“
Yeah.”

“
He’s just trying to protect his
pride. Good for you, Liv. You wounded him,” he laughs. “Next time,
punch him in the gut, though.”

“
I’m not going to punch him. I’ve
got to figure out how to deal with him for the next week now.
Fortunately, we weren’t really speaking until yesterday. We can
probably go back to that and not raise suspicions.”

“
You should do that. Promise me you
won’t be alone with him anymore.”

“
You don’t trust me?”

“
I don’t trust him. I just told you
that.”

“
I’ll do my best.”

“
Especially don’t go on some
romantic horseback ride in the sunset with him. That makes me...
hell, Liv, it makes me jealous. You’re only one state away. I could
drive there in six hours, if I drive like a maniac.” He laughs.
“And I would,” he adds.

I dream about Jon that night. I wake up, sweaty, my
heart throbbing and blood coursing throughout my entire body. His
jealousy had spilled over into my dream, into a private moment that
still feels too real to be a dream.

If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep.

I wake up with a wide smile, settling back into my
pillow, hoping to return to that
other
pillow, in that
other
bed, the one where
the man I love waits for me with something to prove.

Spring Break flies by. A part of me wishes it wasn’t
Sunday, that I didn’t have to go back to school tomorrow, but when
I think about seeing Jon this afternoon, I’m perfectly fine with
it.

After breakfast, my cousins and I go outside
together one last time. Clara sets up some outdoor speakers and
turns her music up loud while Andrew and Finn work to start a fire
for s’mores.

I’d avoided Finn as much as possible over the week.
It was easy at first. I knew from his glares that my father had
talked to him about the alcohol, and maybe even about crossing the
brook on our horseback ride. As the days passed, we both eased back
into our normal comfort level among our families, but we hadn’t
been alone since.

“
Livvy?” Maddie yells from the back
door of the main house. “I can’t find the marshmallows! Where’d you
put them? They’re not with your stuff.”

I remember exactly where I put them. “I left them in
our cabin,” I tell her, standing up and brushing off. “I forgot.
I’ll run down there... give me ten minutes.”

I start toward the house, feeling that I’m not alone
before I actually turn around and confirm it. I keep walking with
him about five paces behind me.

“
What are you doing,
Finn?”

“
Helping you.”

“
I don’t need your help.” I turn
around and smile briefly. “Thanks, though.”

“
I insist.” He catches up to me and
matches my gait.

“
Finn–”

“
I have to talk to you. I could do
it in front of everyone, or we can do it here. It’s up to
you.”

“
I
don’t
have to talk to
you
at all.”

“
No, you don’t. I can do all the
talking.” I purse my lips and nod. “That was pretty bitchy, telling
your dad about the beer, you know?” I nod again, approaching the
porch to the house my family had stayed in over the past week. We’d
vacated it for the larger gathering house this morning after
packing everything up. The house was empty–except for the
marshmallows, that is.

I walk in the door, letting it swing back on its
hinges before Finn has time to enter. “That’s nice, Liv,” he says
after I hear his elbow meet the heavy wood.

“
I didn’t invite you here. I don’t
want you here.”

“
So, can I assume your avoidance of
me this past week is actually an avoidance of your
feelings
for me?” I bust out laughing, but he stares
at me seriously. “You didn’t feel anything?”

“
No!” I tell him, locating the
snacks in the pantry and grabbing the bag. “Nothing! I haven’t
given it a second thought, in fact.”

“
I don’t believe that,” he says,
taking the marshmallows from me abruptly. He crosses his arms,
holding them over his heart, as if to cushion the blow.

“
I’m sorry, Finn,” I tell him
casually. “What, you felt something? In that fraction of a
second?”

“
I don’t know,” he says, shaking
his head. “It’s like...” He searches for the words. “It’s like
someone gave me an ice cream cone, and just as I touched my tongue
to it to tell whether it was chocolate or vanilla, they took it
away from me. It was... interrupted,” he explains. His analogy
makes me smile for some reason.

“
So, was it chocolate or vanilla?”
I ask, leaning against the countertop.

“
It was anything but vanilla,” he
says. “But as far as the flavor of chocolate, I couldn’t tell.” He
watches me as he talks, dropping his arms vulnerably to his side.
“Was it dark? Milky?” he says, raising his eyebrows curiously. “Was
the flavor deep? Full? Sweet? Bitter? I don’t know. And for that
reason, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head all fricking
week.” His frustration is palpable. His eyes plead with me. “I
can’t stop wondering.”

A silent laugh escapes my chest in a huff.

“
You should let me try again,” he
suggests. “Put some feeling into it this time.”

“
I promise you, in the
one-one-thousandth of a second your chapped lips touched my
sumptuous,
perfect
ones, it was all the
feeling you’re ever gonna get out of me. If the kiss was twenty
seconds long, you’d still feel nothing from my side.”

“
I’ve seen you kiss him. You can do
a lot better,” he says with a slight grin.

“
With
him
,” I say, “there’s a difference. A kiss
isn’t
just a kiss,” I tell him. “A kiss is
the embodiment of how two people feel about one another. A kiss is
truth.” He rolls his eyes at me, carrying the marshmallows out the
door. I follow him, shutting it quietly behind him. “So what flavor
do you think it was?” I taunt him.

“
Probably, like, white chocolate,”
he says, waiting for me to catch up with him. “Mild,
unsatisfying... nothing that leaves a lasting impression.” He gives
me a sideways glance and smiles at me.

“
I’m sure Jon would have another
opinion.”

“
Whatever,” he says with a shrug.
He slows down a little and bumps me with his shoulder. “I think
Jon’s pretty lucky.”

“
Of course he is,” I say, bragging
and swinging my hair as I walk away. “And by the way, if you ever
tell Camille that we
almost
kissed, I’ll
tell the whole school you showed me your tiny penis.”

“
Tiny?” He stops moving suddenly.
“Did she tell you that?”

“
God, no, we don’t talk about
that.” I shake my head, trying to get the image out. “I was just
trying to be funny... and threatening... and can you change the
subject please?”

“
You’re curious?” he jokes with
me.