Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (9 page)

Although the hunky realtor spoke to Sara first, got her number, and texted her first, and her
Rules
-y responses were properly timed and shorter than his, this was a case of text chatting gone wild. We told her that at this point, the only way he would ask her out was if she ignored his texts completely. She was shocked. “I thought I was allowed to text a little. Isn’t ignoring him rude?” No, it’s not rude—you’re just busy and have a life. If a guy wants to ask all these questions about LA and movies, he can ask over sushi!

Sara agreed to try it. The next morning when cute realtor texted, “Hey, how’s your day going?” she didn’t write back. When he texted later that afternoon, “Meeting with
headhunter. Wish me luck!” she ignored it. That night he texted “What r u up to?” she ignored it again. The next morning he finally texted, “Hey there stranger, maybe we can meet for sushi this weekend.” She waited two hours and wrote back, “Sure, that sounds good!” Two minutes later he asked, “How is Friday night after work?” And thirty minutes after that she wrote, “Perfect.” And that was it. They finally had a first date and many dates after that.

If a guy is texting but not asking you out, you have to cut him off until he gets that you are too busy to just chat endlessly. This freezing-him-out plan is not about playing games but about boundaries, self-esteem, and self-worth. Men will eat up your time if you let them! Many women waste hours or days politely texting guys back throughout the day, yet find themselves dateless on Saturday night.
Rules
Girls don’t put up with aimless chitchat. Remember, the point of texting a guy back is to get a date or to be in a relationship—not to talk all day. But what if a guy stops texting you and never asks you out because you didn’t answer every text? Did you do anything wrong? No, he just wasn’t that crazy about you to begin with—he’s a time waster. Next!

We know that waiting won’t always be easy. In fact, it might even get harder when you are in a relationship and he knows your schedule or sees that you answer your girlfriends’ texts in two minutes! When you are with him, we suggest leaving your phone in your bag and not holding it in your hand all night, so he doesn’t think you are glued to it. Don’t show any interest in your phone or become animated or giddy and say, “Oh my G-d my BFF just posted the funniest photo” when you get a text. If you want to make it seem plausible that you are slow to reply, then don’t seem obsessed with your phone.

We are not telling you to be disingenuous, but if you want a guy to stare at his phone wondering when you are going to text him back, if you want a guy to dream about you and think about what you are doing when you are not with him, and if you want a guy’s heart to pound while waiting for you to text him back, then don’t answer him so fast. Making him wait to hear from you will make him think about you
more
, not less. And isn’t that what you want?

I
N OUR FIRST
book, we told you to end phone calls first, within ten minutes. The same
Rule
applies to every new form of communication that has cropped up since then, and to dates, too. We call it “getting out of there.” Why? So you don’t talk too much, and leave him wanting more! Remember that sometimes reverse psychology works best. If you want more from a guy, give him less. The busier you seem to be, the more curious or interested he’ll become.

While any of this newfangled—or old—communication, from calls on the landline to video chatting on the computer to text chats to Skype, is about wowing a guy with your fascinating personality and showing him how cultured and witty you are, it’s also about “getting out of there” in ten to fifteen minutes of active chatting so that he is forced to ask you out if he wants to continue the relationship. Gchat and FaceTime are not dates!

Some women feel rude or disingenuous about ending chats first, but it’s not a game. Doing so indicates that you have a full schedule and healthy boundaries. Are you with a friend, at a meeting, at the gym, in class, or with your book club? Guys who wonder where you’re off to are more likely to text
again and ask you out, even if they claim that they are receptive to girls who chat openly and frequently.

If you are worried about being perceived as abrupt, remember that guys have no problem ending a conversation first. You could be in the middle of a great chat and then BAM, he says he has to go, the football game just started or his roommate walked in. Remember that guys can be your adversary. They have the power to turn it off in an instant, to never text again, or never to ask you out. You can protect yourself by ending every interaction first.

Let’s be honest here. It’s not that you can’t end a conversation first, it’s that you won’t. You become so obsessed in a conversation that it’s as if you are in a trance. Maybe your BFF is sitting right next to you screaming, “Stop texting already!” and actually tries grabbing your phone out of your hand, but to no avail. Or maybe you grab your phone back and continue texting. This kind of girl ignores her girlfriends or family while sneaking texts under the table at restaurants or by excusing herself to the bathroom. Her friends and parents eventually get fed up.

Girls have convinced themselves that they will lose a guy if they end the chat too quickly. They are afraid he will lose interest and move on to the next girl if they “get out of there” first. Of course, we know the opposite is true. If a guy likes your look, spoke to you first, called or texted you first, and you end the chats early after ten to fifteen minutes of active back-and-forth, he will try you again or ask you out. If he
really
stops texting you, it’s not because you “got out of there”—it’s because he just doesn’t like you enough. You don’t want to keep chatting with someone who isn’t interested enough to text you again!

You can say, “I only have one bar left on my phone” or “Gotta take this call” or “Have to study” or “Work is crazy” or “Spin class starts in five minutes.” You don’t have to have the perfect conversation ender—anything will do! There’s no reason to feel bad. Remember that even therapists go by the clock and tell patients in the middle of a good cry, “Your time is up.” Why can’t you end a casual text conversation first? If you can’t figure out something creative, just write, “Sorry, gotta go!” and turn off your phone for a few minutes to create space and distance—just like we told you in our first book to set an egg timer to end calls. If you truly feel incapable of ending a conversation on your own, ask a friend to send you a reminder. If you know you can’t trust yourself, don’t answer him at all. Leave your phone in your bag, the car, or in another room.

And don’t wait for that perfect moment or lull in the conversation to end the texting. Who knows when that will be? Just keep track of time and end the chat first—“G2GO!” Don’t run the risk of his shutting it down first. You will be the one wondering why he had to go and you will start spinning it into something bad in your head! If he ends the conversation first, you might feel so insecure about the relationship that you text him again later to make sure everything is okay, and wind up breaking another
Rule
! It’s like fairy dust: when you don’t let him end interactions first, you somehow cast a spell on him and he always wants you more.

Tips for keeping the conversation short: Always write less than he does. Don’t ask too many questions. Try to answer his questions in a sentence or two but in a witty way. Don’t introduce too many new topics, lest a textfest develop. In an attempt to bond with a guy or to catch his interest, a woman will keep a conversation going by answering his questions
in great detail, asking him questions, and introducing many new topics. Here is an example of what
not
to do:

She didn’t end it first, she said way too much and he didn’t even make plans to see her. What a waste of time! Here is a much better example of how a texting conversation might play out:

This
Rule
applies not only to calls, texts, and all other forms of instantaneous communication, but to dates, too. A first date for a
Rules
Girl is one to two hours for coffee or drinks, or a couple of hours for a study date at the library, not hiking and biking for hours on end or an all-day outing at the beach. Too much too soon is never good for a relationship. Besides, it’s easier to end a coffee or drink date in one or two hours than it is to end a day at the beach. That’s why we politely decline first dates consisting of dinner
and
a movie or an outing to the amusement park.

A guy will usually come on strong in the beginning and try to get a marathon first or second date if he thinks you’ll let him. Even though he initially suggested such a long date, he may think you are too easy and eager, and get bored by the third date—if there even is one. You need to pace the relationship and let him gradually get to know you so he doesn’t get too much too soon and move on to the next girl.

Your answer to a guy who suggests driving to the park for a picnic or drinks, dinner, and dancing for a first date would be “Drinks sound good to me!” After one or two hours, you can look at your watch and say, “I’m having a great time, but I really have to get going.” If he asks why, you can just say you have a really big day tomorrow. You don’t have to say with what—it’s none of his business. If you feel that you
must
justify it some way, you can say you are busy with school or work or have an early-morning session with your trainer. Be as mysterious as you can! If you are in college and your date consists of hanging out at a party or two, end it before he does. Never extend a date with “Let’s see what’s going on at
Club G…” or “Let’s go to another bar…” And even if it’s his idea to extend it, you should still say you can’t. If you don’t follow these
Rules
about getting out of there first, you will not be a challenge. If he wants to spend more time with you, he can and will ask to see you again.

A second date should be three or four hours for dinner. A third date can be dinner and a movie for about five hours. A fourth date can be dinner and a show and coffee afterward for about six hours. But you end
all
these first—you get out of there!

Of course this rule is probably the exact opposite of what you want to do. When you meet a guy you like, you don’t want the conversation or date to end! You want to know everything about him right away—his college major or where he works, what car he drives, his favorite sports team, what he likes to do for fun, why his last relationship didn’t work out, his five-year plan, and above all, how he feels about you—and you want to tell him your life story, too. But marathon dates kill
any
mystery. Make him ask you out—and ask you out again—to learn more!

P
ART OF
THE
Rules
is about silently teaching guys to respect you—and that means setting boundaries, especially when it comes to being reachable. You should not answer calls or messages after midnight, because you are busy or need your beauty sleep or, quite frankly, it’s none of his business why! If a guy wants to know what you are doing, he needs to date you. We have found that clients who respond to anything after midnight are asking for trouble: guys inevitably call at all hours, even 1 or 2 a.m., sometimes drunk. But you’re a
Rules
Girl. You have a life and are not available 24/7!