Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (10 page)

•
Never friend a guy you really like first.
Friending a guy you really like on Facebook is just like talking to him first. He will know you’re interested in him and any challenge will be gone. Friending a guy is the opposite of
The Rules
: it is being the aggressor, it is making the first move, it is trying to get into his world. The only exception is friending guys you are truly only friends with… We mean guys you are not interested in
at all
!

•
Wait twenty-four to forty-eight hours to confirm a friend request from a guy you like.
Do not confirm in nanoseconds when you receive the notification on your iPhone as you would a girlfriend’s. Let him think you are busy and running around (which you should be, but more on that later). You might think you should
not
accept a friend request from a guy you are dating to prevent him from knowing too much about you. We think such action is extreme and actually a misinterpretation of
The Rules
. You are not trying to be
impossible
to get to know—just difficult! Ignoring a friend request is like saying no to a first date: it tells him there is no hope at all, rather than showing you are open to being pursued. Besides, this move can be difficult to pull off, especially if you are young! If you have grown up on Facebook, everything and everyone you know has a Facebook page, and a guy may not understand why you are not
accepting his friend request. Remember, we don’t want to teach you how to ignore technology, but rather how to date successfully and be mysterious
with
technology. You can always restrict certain items from his view in your privacy settings.

•
Rarely write on a guy’s wall—and that includes liking and tagging.
Writing on a guy’s wall is like broadcasting to the world that you like him. You might as well be saying, “He’s mine, he’s mine!” It’s too obvious, as if you want everyone in his life, especially other women, to know that he’s seeing
you
and that he’s taken. Why not just take out a big billboard ad and put your name in a heart with his? Don’t create publicity and drama. Additionally, he will know you were thinking about him and poking around his profile.

Is it
ever
okay to write on a guy’s wall? Sure! You can wish him a happy birthday or congratulate him on passing the bar exam or getting a promotion. But you should just write, “Happy Birthday! Have a great day!” or “Congrats!” Nothing way over-the-top like “Happy Birthday to the hottest, most awesome guy in the world. I love you so much!!!!!!!” Keep it short and don’t use more than two or three exclamation points. You do not want to come across like an overly enthusiastic cheerleader. Nothing’s changed just because you’re communicating on the internet. It’s always about rarely responding and almost never initiating contact!

When you are on a date or on the phone, do not bring up his Facebook page like you have been studying it (even if you have) and say things like “I remember you said you liked
Entourage
. Did you see the first season?”
or say anything that is Facebook-inspired, like “I saw your new photos on Facebook. That’s so funny what your friend wrote” or “Your Halloween costume was hilarious.” It is like Facebook stalking to talk about his page!

Keep in mind that anything you do on Facebook regarding him, whether it’s liking or commenting or tagging him in a photo, is making the first move. Don’t try to wriggle your way into his world. But if you are in a relationship, you can once in a while reply to a post of his on his wall or post a video that you both laughed at on a date. But we mean
rarely
!

•
Don’t always post back if he writes on your wall.
But if you do, wait at least thirty minutes to several hours, depending on your age, as we explain in our Text-Back Time chart on page 000. The truth is, texting, Facebook messages, and posts are all the same. Remember, always do the least and/or write less. If he writes a joke, you can comment back, “haha.” If a guy comments on your photo, “gorgeous pic,” you don’t have to write anything, but if you really want to, just “like” the comment. If a guy complains that you don’t respond a lot, you can just tell him you don’t go on Facebook that much or say you saw it quickly on your phone and forgot to write back.

•
Share as little as possible.
Guys should have no idea what you are doing in between dates and who you are doing it with. Constant status updates take away all the mystery that is necessary to keep a relationship exciting! With everyone writing to everyone else every five seconds these days, life has become an open book. If you want to be a
Rules
Girl, don’t post your status all day
long—once or twice a week is plenty—and almost never on the weekends (Friday 6 p.m. to Sunday 6 p.m.). The weekend is a dead zone.

One of the biggest mistakes women who are dating make is constantly posting ordinary/dull status updates. They’re “watching Friday Night Lights and loving Tim Riggins” or “prepping for a big meeting with the boss” or “meeting college roommate at Friday’s,” and so on. There is nothing exciting or mysterious about a to-do list. No need to tell the world—including potential dates and boyfriends—about your daily routine. Without so many updates, he can imagine that you are doing interesting things in between your dates, like going to parties or seeing other guys. Why ruin that with hourly status reports? Remember, your life is busy and fabulous—you don’t have time to post all these updates anyway!

Additionally, avoid writing life quotes or anything too introspective or negative, like “What goes around, comes around” or “Karma is a bitch.” It will sound like you’ve been hurt or have been reading too many self-help books. Don’t write, “So bored” or “Could this day be any longer?” because it will show that you have nothing going on at all! Don’t say you are sick or make a frown face or share stories about a car accident or unemployment line. You can make references to events like a sorority or social or work party, but don’t say where or when or whether you are actually going. You can make inside jokes with friends, but limit posts to three sentences.

Also, write as little information as possible in your profile under such categories as education, work, likes, and interests. You are too busy to write paragraphs
about yourself. That is information you can share on dates!

Unfortunately, too many women who are dating use social networking sites like group therapy. A guy looking at your wall will be turned off by TMI quickly and will not find you fascinating or mysterious. He just met you and now he already knows that you hate your job and your other private thoughts and feelings. A guy will run! Baring your soul and displaying your daily ups and downs in a public forum is risky, even downright dangerous. Besides, would you invite people to read your diary?

•
Don’t post unflattering photos
—you with cotton candy stuck to your face or with your hair in a towel and mud masque. Don’t post these photos, and untag any photos others have posted of you in sweatpants eating pizza in a friend’s basement. While they may bring back funny memories or make you laugh, think of how they appear out of context to a new guy. Do they make you look weird or boring? Remember, you want to appear your most attractive on Facebook. It goes without saying that if you don’t think you look great in a picture, you will untag it. Surely you don’t want
anyone
to see that—cute guy or otherwise! Also, don’t post any drinking photos (you holding a plastic red cup at a frat party) and untag any photos of you drinking or looking drunk. Not cool!

If someone else posts a picture, don’t be the person to tag the guy you are dating. Let him tag you so that
he
is the one publicizing your relationship. Tagging a guy you’re dating is just a sneaky way of telling others you are with him. It’s similar to grabbing his hand at
a party or putting your arm around his shoulder—it looks like you are trying too hard and might make him uncomfortable.

And one more thing: don’t overdo it with photo captions. It shows that you have too much time on your hands if you give every photo a story. You’re busy living these things, not flaunting them on Facebook!

•
Don’t initiate a Facebook chat.
It’s okay to accept a chat, but wait at least four hours to respond if it’s a first chat with a new guy. Because Facebook saves the chat, you can simply answer it as a message the next day. If he has initiated a chat before, then wait at least thirty minutes to three hours depending on your age (see that chart again on page TK). A guy should not be able to get you instantaneously. No guy appreciates anything that comes too easily or too quickly; they reach you in every medium in seconds and then lose interest.

As with texting, after ten or fifteen minutes of active chatting you should end it. If he says, “hey, what’s up?” you can say “hey” back. Let him initiate the topics, write less than he does, and get out of there first. If a guy asks you out on Facebook, it’s okay to say yes, as long as it’s by Wednesday for Saturday night or three days in advance for a weeknight date.

•
Be cautious regarding your relationship status.
If you are not dating anyone, don’t list your relationship status as single—it’s no one’s business. Why advertise it? Delete the relationship listing option. It is better to leave your status out altogether because you don’t want to show that much interest in the whole subject of relationships. Also, if your status changes from “in a relationship” to
“single,” your hundreds of friends will be notified and you might be embarrassed.

If you are dating someone, don’t post “in a relationship” before he does or make your main photo one of the two of you before he does. We don’t think you should post “in a relationship” at all, unless he brings it up or insists that you do. If you initiate either of these things, it might look like you care too much. It could also bring out all the mean girls who want to sabotage your relationship. His ex-girlfriend(s) might see that he is happy with you and try to ruin it by writing on his wall or tagging him in photos. All these things can be avoided by retaining an air of mystery no matter what. But if it’s too much for you, then deactivate your profile. Facebook doesn’t define you.

•
Don’t friend his friends and family first.
Facebook and other social networking sites have made access to everyone he knows all too easy. Don’t use these sites as an excuse to waltz into his world. (We will elaborate on this in “Don’t Introduce a Guy to Anyone First,” in
Rule #17
.) It’s aggressive and might scare a guy away! It might freak
them
out too and give them too much information about you! It’s like inviting yourself to the family picnic or his sister’s wedding. His friends and family should be friending you!

•
De-friend and/or block an ex if he ended the relationship, depending on how badly it ended.
If seeing your ex-boyfriend online or having any contact with him at all is too painful for you, then block him to protect yourself. Some guys want to stay friends on Facebook, but we are not fans of keeping a connection with a guy
who broke your heart, because it’s too painful, gives you false hope, and wastes your time when you should be moving on. Blocking him will prevent you from seeing his activities on your news feed if you still have mutual friends on Facebook, and will prevent you from seeing his photos (possibly with another woman) and any other information that he leaves open to the public that might upset you. If the relationship ended badly, he might put things on his page to upset you or make his default photo one with a girl there was drama about, which will also be hurtful. To avoid seeing all that, just block him. You might also want to untag any photos of the two of you.

Try to resist the urge to sneak peeks on his page through mutual friends. Of course, you’re only human and will be curious to know what he’s up to, but you will only feel worse if you go on his page—kind of like Googling celebrity websites when you are in sweats with no makeup on and downing a pint of Häagen Dazs. Who needs that? Do you really need to see that he went boating with a pretty blonde a week after you split up on your birthday? We think not. Blocking is the essence of Next! With Facebook everyone has now become like a celebrity with public breakups—and the pain and humiliation of everyone seeing your relationship drama played out like on the cover of a magazine.

Some might argue that blocking shows too much anger or resentment, but our feeling is that it’s better to get an ex out of your life than to worry about what he and other people think. But if
you
broke up with him and are okay staying friends on Facebook, that’s fine with us.