Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (11 page)

Amy, thirty-one, who broke so many
Rules
with her boyfriend that he dumped her, contacted us for advice about Facebook. We told her to de-friend and block her ex immediately so that she would stop looking at his page five times a day in hopes of getting information about who he was hooking up with and what he was doing. We told her to move on by posting a more glamorous default photo to replace the “funny face” one she had, and to write less about her day-to-day activities so she seemed more exciting and mysterious. Before consulting with us, she thought nothing of writing constant updates about the most mundane details of her day, including “going to yoga” or “snowed in…” or “any good eggnog recipes?” and/or complaining about her last relationship (“I hate men!”) We had her remove all such dreary or negative posts!

A month later Amy happily e-mailed us to say that her college friend’s older brother Matt had asked to be friends on Facebook. We told her to wait forty-eight hours, rather than her usual five minutes, to accept his request. He sent her a message immediately afterward saying, “You’re really pretty! Thanks for the add. Maybe we can meet for drinks Tuesday night.” We told her to wait four hours and then message him back, “Drinks would be great.” She followed
The Rules
to the letter, ending their first date after one to two hours instead of her usual four or five.

Matt then messaged Amy the next day, on Saturday afternoon, about going out on a second date on Monday night. We told her not to respond that day or over the weekend, because all communication stops for a
Rules
Girl on the weekends—it’s the dead zone. She waited until Sunday night and politely declined, determined to hold out for Saturday night date. He messaged her ten minutes later, “I’m totally
free. How is Thursday, Friday or Saturday night?” Following
The Rules
Text-Back Times by Age chart (see page 000), we told her to message him back three hours later: “Saturday night sounds great!”

By not responding so quickly to his messages, Amy avoided a flurry of interactions that would have made her seem too available and not that special. Instead, she was not an open book on Facebook and disappeared in between dates, which made him more interested and feel like he was dating a really sought-after girl!

After six consecutive Saturday night dates, Matt asked Amy to be exclusive. She said yes, but she did not change her relationship status or ask him to change his. We told her not to write on his wall or ask about his female friends on Facebook. She agreed, but wondered if she could post a photo of the two of them from an office party as her default photo now that they were exclusive. We told her not to, because it would be sending a possessive message to the world. Even though he initiated the relationship, posting such a public display of their relationship might make him feel smothered. Besides, if they broke up, she would have to take it down, which would be embarrassing and lead to lots of questions, so it was best to wait until he put a photo of them or changed his status to “in a relationship.” Better still, she could even wait to put up a picture from their engagement photo shoot, or do it when she was adding his last name to her maiden name.

Amy confessed that she was not used to being so passive in a relationship, but agreed that the less aggressive or possessive she acted, the more Matt came after her. She also found that by being less into
the relationship
and by not posting about it, she had more time for her friends, family, career,
and hobbies. When their two-year anniversary came up, her longest and best relationship ever, Matt surprised her with a ring.

Social networking sites are a great way to catch up with friends and stay current, but they can ruin a romantic relationship if used to bare all and make frequent contact with guys, and even with boyfriends. So keep guys wondering what you are up to and with who, where, and when… don’t be an open book on Facebook!

F
ACEBOOK CAN READ
like a celebrity blog: who is breaking up with who or where, what couple is vacationing—lots of drama. The rumor mill updates as fast as your news feed these days, and it can be a lot to handle! Sometimes it’s just TMI. While Facebook and other networking sites are great social outlets, they can cause a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. What you see, especially on a guy’s profile, is not always what’s really going on with him.

We understand that when you like a guy, you want to know everything about him. You want to walk by his frat house or office, you want to see what his ex-girlfriend looks like, you want to read his LinkedIn profile, his Twitter stream, or anything else for clues and insights into his personality. You want to study his Facebook profile like a religion. You want to see anything he’s ever posted or was posted about him online. You want to spy on him!

But in doing so, you might notice things that irk you, like girls writing on his wall or tagging him in photos. You might find out about a party that you weren’t invited to or see what he did Friday night that he didn’t tell you about. What was that about the hot tub at the snowboarding event? Why is his arm around that girl? We understand it’s upsetting to read or
see these kinds of things, but that does not mean he is cheating or that you have anything to worry about. There are non-
Rules
Girls who will hug guys for the camera or try to make it seem like more is going on than there is. They have no life and want to find their fifteen minutes of fame on Facebook—don’t give it to them! Don’t believe everything you see or read. Sometimes a mean girl will post a photo of your crush with her just to stir things up. But don’t freak out. Half the time it’s not what you think!

Pretend you were born in another era when all you knew about a guy was how he treated you, not what you might see on Facebook. You wouldn’t write on his wall, much less be addicted to reading it. We know you’re going to look at his profile, but here’s the key: make sure you do not quote it when you are with him. Never even bring up his Facebook page, much less say, “I see Chelsea friended you” or “I guess you had a really busy day skiing.” You will sound like a stalker.

Brooke, a junior in college, wrote to us saying that she was worried that her long-distance boyfriend in medical school was hooking up because she saw photos of him skiing with other girls on Facebook. It was a
Rules
relationship and they were exclusive, so we didn’t think she had anything to worry about. We told Brooke not to bring it up with him. A few days later he said he was tired of not seeing her and booked a ticket for the weekend. Some guys just have female friends!

You need to go by a guy’s actions, not what is posted on his wall. There are a lot of mean girls out there who will tag a guy in photos and write “had fun last night” or “hi cutie” on his wall just to cause trouble. You have to stay out of this silliness and not base your relationship on status updates.

M
OST OF
THE
Rules
that apply to texting apply to e-mailing. Never e-mail a guy first, keep it light and breezy, and wait to write back. But unlike texting, which is by necessity brief and to the point, e-mailing can be much more dangerous. This medium lends itself to long-winded, diary-like dissertations. Some women are notorious for taking advantage of the blank screen—they can write up an entire e-book in one sitting and scare guys away! We have heard of some sending guys stanzas of their favorite poetry, passages from a novel they are reading, Myers-Briggs personality tests to find out if they are introverted or extroverted, links to newsworthy articles, relationship quizzes from
Cosmopolitan
, YouTube videos, chain letters that required forwarding to ten friends, and much more—and much worse! None of that is
Rules
-y at all!

This form of communication is great for BFFs, but is the kiss of death for a guy you are dating, especially in the first few months. Even if he asks a really open-ended question, like how things are going at work, treat it like a text message. Just write back, “Really productive week!” It’s TMI to tell him that your assistant just quit, so you have a heavier workload and your project deadline has moved up three days
and you are sure you have carpal tunnel syndrome from typing too much. (Um, maybe you should ease up on the long e-mails to him if your wrists hurt that much!)

We understand the temptation to write a lot. Being on your phone or laptop all the time, which many of us are, makes it easy to e-mail your guts out, especially on a slow workday, during a pit stop at Starbucks, or a layover at an airport. But tell your girlfriends what’s going on, not your crush or the guy you are dating. Long and/or frequent e-mails are a big turnoff. Few guys want to read paragraph after paragraph about a woman’s feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. A guy
could feel obligated to stop whatever he is doing—studying, working, hanging out with the guys, watching a game—to write back. You don’t want a guy to feel obligated to do anything. Furthermore, such e-mails will make it clear that you’re the
opposite
of busy, and are spending your free time thinking about him!

We spoke to dozens of guys who said getting long and/or frequent e-mails from women can be annoying. It’s like a bad, drawn-out Ping-Pong match, with so much back-and-forth—“I couldn’t get anything done when I was dating a big e-mailer. She wrote all day long,” said one guy. Then he said he met a
Rules
Girl, who didn’t e-mail him first and took half a day to write him back. “I found it refreshing. I don’t want to communicate with my girlfriend all day. I want to get my work done and still be in a relationship. Is that asking too much?”

No, it’s not! Girls, listen to what guys say, and don’t e-mail first or frequently! As with any other form of communication, e-mailing improperly is aggressive and intrusive, so don’t do it no matter what interesting tidbits you feel like sharing, whether it’s a YouTube clip of a great new song or the menu from that new Italian restaurant you want to try. Such e-mails are obvious cries for attention (“Think of me! Remember me!”) and flirting—nothing a
Rules
Girl would ever do!
Rules
Girls don’t need to ask for attention; they naturally get it by being busy—too busy to e-mail guys.