Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (15 page)

So far, so good! In between visits, Jordan initiated texts, e-mails, and FaceTime chats. For their third date, Jordan booked a hotel room in the city and took Sophie to dinner, drinking and dancing. They stayed out until 4 a.m. and ended up sleeping together. After cuddling all morning and having breakfast in bed, Sophie started to feel like she was falling for the tall, handsome realtor.

Now that Jordan had met the three-visit quota, Sophie felt she could show more initiative. So when he asked again if she
could come to Seattle for a weekend, she excitedly responded, “Let me see what I can do.” An hour later, she friended a college roommate on Facebook who had moved to Seattle to say she was going to be in her area and ask if she wanted to go on a double date. She begged her boss to let her take off a week for a family emergency and then called the airline to use her frequent-flier miles. She then e-mailed Jordan that “actually I can be in Seattle after all. I have a lot of vacation time.” Jordan was taken aback but texted her, “Wow, that sounds great!”

As often happens when a woman starts making moves like these, even in a
Rules
relationship, Sophie went overboard and set herself up for disappointment. She asked Jordan if he could pick her up from the airport, and he said he would love to but had client meetings back to back—could she call her friend or take a cab? Then, instead of showering her with dinners and a romantic tour of the city, Jordan worked late, ordered in Chinese takeout, and then fell asleep after sex. When Sophie asked if he could show her the town, he suggested she go with her friend because he had to work late. When she asked for a drawer to put her things in, he gave her an empty shopping bag. Ouch!

After Sophie left, Jordan said nothing specific about meeting again. He rather casually texted, “I guess I’ll see you the next time I’m in New York for work.” Hurt and confused, Sophie decided to throw a New Year’s party and sent Jordan an Evite. First he texted, “will try, sounds like fun!” and then a week later he wrote, “hard to get flights over the holiday, sorry babe.” The next day Sophie saw photos of Jordan with other women on his Facebook page and realized that she had not been a serious relationship for him. She decided to confront Jordan on iChat to ask him if it was just a fling,
as she was seriously thinking about relocating to Seattle if he thought they had a future. “I think you’re pretty and sweet, but you’re a New Yorker and I’m a Seattle guy. We’re very different people. Honestly, I don’t think this going to work.”

Sophie learned the hard way that even if a guy visits you first and does so three times, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s serious. Jordan was not always in New York for Sophie, but for fun, for work, and for a college reunion. Also, if he invites you to visit him for a weekend, don’t go for a week, even if you have vacation time, a friend in his city, and frequent-flier miles. Like Jordan, he will feel overwhelmed by so much sudden togetherness and interest. For it to be a
Rules
long-distance relationship,
he
has to figure out how to spend more time with you in your city. He has to say he wants to be exclusive, say “I love you,” and plot how to be together, whatever it takes.

A woman can come up with the craziest reasons for traveling to a guy first! She rationalizes it by saying she doesn’t want him to see that she still lives with her parents or is embarrassed about her crappy studio apartment. We tell her to get over it. A guy who likes you won’t care if you live at home or in a hovel, but traveling to him will make you seem desperate and not busy. Don’t do it! The most common temptation is free airfare or miles. Even if a guy offers to pay for you to fly to him or sends a limo for the first few dates, don’t go. It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. He should be the one to pack a suitcase and be inconvenienced, otherwise how will you know that he really likes you? You are not a call girl who can be bought with a car service. We know women who sign up for millionaire dating services and the guys refuse to leave their duplexes or mansions. They want to pay for the women to travel to them. A
Rules
Girl says, “No,
thanks.” If he can’t get away to see you, you can’t get away either! He’s not more important than you, even if he is a CEO and you are a secretary! We don’t care if you have a cousin in his city or just want to get the heck out of town—
The Rules
are more important. If you travel to him for any reason, he will cease having to work hard to see you. Think long-term gratification, not short-term fun!

When it’s a
Rules
long-distance relationship, a guy just can’t take that you are not together. He drives three hours or hops on a plane every week or two; he searches for a college or a job in your city; he relocates; he proposes. He doesn’t let too much time go by, because it’s painful not being with you. There is not a lot of arguing about who is going to visit whom. You don’t have to put a gun to his head to make him come see you. Remember that guys travel hours for football games and concerts. He might joke, “Are you ever going to visit me?” but when you giggle and say, “I really don’t like driving long distances or at night,” he’ll come to you. It’s a given that the guy is going to do the legwork.

W
OMEN WHO BREAK
The Rules
with guys do not make the best girlfriends. They are usually so busy texting or talking about the guy that they either ignore their friends or bore them to death. And if they have a crush on a guy who isn’t even interested in them, they become delusional and expect their friends to lie to them as well. Haven’t you ever been with a friend who was in the middle of a textfest or instant-message chat with a guy? You feel like you’re with a zombie! She is physically with you, but mentally a million miles away. If you are a
Rules
Girl, you try to nicely nudge her to get off the phone for her own sake (and yours!) but she totally ignores you, or holds up a finger to signal one more minute or mouths, “Almost done.” But then another ten minutes go by and then twenty or thirty. It’s frustrating, to say the least. If you left the room, she would hardly notice or miss you. She’s obsessed!

Of course, girls who do
The Rules
aren’t this kind of friend. They end texting chats quickly. They don’t dump girlfriends for a last-minute date or hookup. They don’t force roommates to endure a guy sleeping in their room every night. They don’t flirt with their friend’s crush. They
do
have boundaries and self-respect!

As you know by now, it’s a good thing for a guy to see that you are too busy to be thinking about him and contacting him constantly. Well, what are you so busy with all this time? Your girlfriends! You have a full life with training sessions, trips to Bloomingdale’s, and potluck dinners! Maybe you get together with
Rules
-minded friends and meet every week for coffee or Chinese food (like we used to!) and discuss your dating problems over lattes or dim sum. We are big believers in talking with your BFFs so you don’t act out with guys. You can ask a friend what to give a guy you just met for Valentine’s Day (nothing!) so you don’t end up writing hearts on his wall or buying him a mouse pad with your photo on it.

Women who are obsessed with guys really test the patience of their friends. They are so busy posting, “Happy 14-day anniversary!” on their new boyfriend’s Facebook page that they hardly hear anything their friends say. No matter what the conversation is—midterms or the Middle East—these non-
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Girls manage to bring up the guy. “I’m really sorry your mother’s in the hospital. I hope she feels better soon. Did I tell you Jay’s mom is a doctor? Jay is thinking about going to medical school. He just doesn’t know if he wants to be an internist or a cardiologist.” These women seem to have blinders on. They can’t think about anything or anyone else, and this makes them downright rude or even obnoxious to their friends.

Elizabeth, a freshman, had a crush on Daniel, a junior who lived in her dorm. They were just friends, but then they hooked up twice after getting drunk at a frat party and Elizabeth became obsessed. She made her best friend, Madison, sit with her at the dining hall from the time it opened at 4:30 p.m. until it closed at 7 p.m. so she could run into Daniel. They sat there pretending to eat for three hours while Elizabeth weaved Daniel’s name into every conversation.

“Did you say sushi? OMG, that’s so funny, Daniel loves sushi. I’m hoping he takes me to his favorite sushi place over spring break.”

“Are you going to the gym after dinner? I’ll come with you. Daniel said he usually works out at around eight p.m. It would be so cool if we worked out together. He can see how hot I look on the treadmill. I’m going to my room to change into cute shorts…”

“How was your sister’s wedding last week? I wish her better luck than Daniel’s parents! He just told me they are getting divorced after thirty years. Can you imagine? Maybe I should text him and see how he’s doing. He said it’s really been hard on his younger sister. Maybe I should friend her on Facebook?”

“I really think if I could get Daniel to relax and get drunk with me it would make him want to be with me. Do you think your older brother could get us beer?”

Understandably, Madison was nauseated! Everything was Daniel this and Daniel that. And the few times when Daniel did walk into the cafeteria, Elizabeth actually left Madison alone at their table to sit next to him. Talk about rude!

He never called Elizabeth or asked her out, which of course resulted in her texting Madison to play guessing games as to what Daniel could be busy with. “He’s probably studying like crazy. I read on his Facebook page that he’s hitting the library every night. He wants to go to law school and I guess being in a relationship might be too much, I don’t know. Or maybe stuff with his parents divorce. Maybe I should call him. What do you think?” Madison had had it, but she was loyal and didn’t want to hurt Elizabeth’s feelings, so she said, “Yeah, that must be it” or “Sure, why don’t you send him a
quick text? Let him know you’re thinking about him, but no pressure.”

One evening, after yet another evening in the cafeteria, Madison summoned the courage to tell Elizabeth, “If a guy skips two weeks, it’s kind of over, don’t you think? Why don’t we go to an off-campus party and meet some new guys?” But Elizabeth’s obsession had her over the edge. She went crazy on her good friend. “Can’t you give a guy some slack? His parents are getting divorced and he has like three exams this week. Every guy isn’t a robot with no feelings or issues. I think I’m going to write on his wall good luck with your physics midterm and buy him special cupcakes. I just know it’s the right thing to do.”

When Daniel finally told Elizabeth that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now, she still wouldn’t accept it. “Why are you saying this? You’re probably just stressed out, let’s talk about it another time,” she told him. It wasn’t until he stopped answering her texts that she finally got the message. She felt devastated and alone. When she texted Madison and her other girlfriends to whine, they showed little sympathy. She even got one text back that said, “sorry, TTYL.” She had burned her bridges with all of them and they had found better things to do than listen to her pity party. If you recognize yourself here
at all
, stop before it’s too late, or you’ll be all alone!

Elizabeth’s story should be a cautionary tale to all women: don’t ignore or dump your girlfriends just because you are obsessed with a guy. If the relationship ends or even never happens, you’re going to need your BFFs to talk to and help you pick up the pieces of your heart from the floor!

Not only are girls like Elizabeth bad at maintaining friendships, but they can be a bad influence as well. Because they
break
Rules
with guys, they might try to get you to do the same, if only because they don’t know any better. They might suggest you friend a guy you like on Facebook or text him first or ask him out. They might say, “You’re no fun” if you don’t go along with their man-chasing ways. That’s why we suggest finding other
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Girls to talk to so you are less likely to deviate from your dating plan, and that’s why we created a worldwide
Rules
contact system and
Rules
Facebook page—so you can find positive influences and support each other.

Don’t be so obsessed with a guy that you become that kind of girlfriend. Don’t be so obsessed with a guy that you forget your BFFs’ birthdays or forget to wish them luck on their first day of work at a new job or to follow up if they have a medical scare. Whether it’s a crush or a boyfriend, we can all get off track sometimes, but we must work extra hard to be good to our friends!

T
HESE DAYS, NO
one is separated by more than six degrees. The world may have more people in it, but it’s definitely getting smaller; everyone is a friend of a friend—of a friend. With all this connecting and reconnecting, you can suddenly be linked to nine hundred people and not even think twice about it!

But some women are using and abusing social networking sites to “meet” a guy’s friends or family before he has made an official introduction. They feel that getting friendly with his people will bring them closer to him or help seal the deal. We understand the temptation to put his buddies, coworkers, mother, sister, or cousin on your radar, but it’s a big mistake to make the first move into his world without his say-so. His friends and family might find it aggressive or even weird and creepy for you to invade their cyberspace—and it could backfire if they tell him that.

What’s so bad about sending his mom a Facebook message to ask about her chicken soup recipe? Where’s the harm in posting on his frat brother’s wall how awesome their party was last weekend? Much like writing on
his
wall, in such situations you’re pursuing his people, which is totally against
The Rules
. It can be interpreted as borderline stalker-ish and might scare him away. It will make a guy, even one who initially pursued you, feel suffocated. You appear too involved in his business when you should barely notice who his friends are! It’s like ringing his best friend’s doorbell when you happen to be walking by instead of waiting for the guy you are dating to introduce you. It has pushy and eager written all over it! You want the guy you are dating to introduce you when he is ready, and accept their friend requests when they are ready to make them. That way he is more likely to preface his introduction with “This is the girl I’ve been telling you so much about,” as opposed to “This is the girl who friended you and has been begging to meet you.”