Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (19 page)

Drinking and drugging are usually used to numb painful feelings, fears, and low self-esteem (“I’m not pretty enough” or “Will I ever get married?”). So if you want to “take the edge off” but can’t control your consumption, you are better off texting your friends or your therapist and telling them how you feel. We understand that you want to let loose and have fun, but there is nothing fun about blacking out and hooking up. If you can’t drink like a lady, then order a seltzer or soda. If you can’t drink and do
The Rules
, then don’t drink at all!

C
AVEAT EMPTOR IS
a Latin expression that means “buyer beware.” But it doesn’t apply only to decisions about merchandise—it also applies to men. What you see is what you get.
The Rules
are not just about getting a guy—but someone with good character you can trust, who will hopefully make a good boyfriend or future husband. Conversely, we call guys with questionable or unacceptable character or behavior “buyer bewares” and tell women to be careful or run the other way.

Simply put,
Rules
Girls do not put up with bad behavior. Love may be blind, but
Rules
Girls are not deaf or dumb. When you are dating a guy, you need to look for red flags right away so you don’t find out six months or five years later that he is not for you. One of the reasons we tell women to talk and text less is so that they listen and read more and notice what may be good or bad about a guy. In this digital age, women can find out faster whether he is a good guy or a cheater, addict, player, or time waster.

A buyer-beware guy will not respond well to
The Rules
. He will not call or text in advance for plans, he will skip weeks or even your birthday, he will insist on splitting the check, he
will cancel, he will flirt with other girls, he will get wasted, he will play mind games, and he will make your life miserable.

Women ask us all the time, “How do I know if my boyfriend is cheating?” If you have to ask, you probably need to do a little detective work. Something just doesn’t feel right. Maybe he gets a lot of texts when you’re together, but doesn’t say anything about them. Maybe he has a password on his phone or he never lets it out of his sight, which is odd behavior if you are comfortable and in an intimate relationship. When a text message comes through on his phone, he acts strangely secretive.

Naturally our clients want to know if it’s okay to check his texts, private Facebook messages, and e-mails. That’s a personal decision, but it might be better to get a definitive answer now than to wonder or find out later on. Of course, by the time a woman is checking or even considering checking her boyfriend’s laptop or phone, she already senses something is wrong. Sometimes she gets lucky and the evidence just falls into her lap and she doesn’t have to snoop. He might leave his phone on his desk when he takes a shower or goes for a run. Or he forgets to log off his Facebook account on her laptop. If she does find incriminating texts or e-mails to another woman, we discuss whether it is better to confront him or to track his behavior for a while so there is no doubt in her mind that he has been unfaithful. We generally think it’s better not to confront a guy right away, for two reasons: you want to calm down and you want to have more evidence.

Keep in mind, though, that a cheater is usually a liar, too. When a client finally confronts her boyfriend with the trail of texts, he will usually deny that the other woman exists or say, “She’s just a friend” or “That’s my trainer.” Often a guy will turn it around on his girlfriend and say, “You’re crazy”
or “You’re being paranoid” or, worse, “Your reading them is just as bad as my sending them.” Snooping is nothing to be proud of, we agree. But cheating is a lot worse. When he starts blaming
you
for his cheating, then you really know he is a buyer beware and the relationship is over!

In these situations, it’s almost always best to end the relationship and not look back, as cheating is a deal breaker and is never to be taken lightly. But some women are so in love or heartbroken that they can’t fathom ending the relationship and want to give the guy a second chance. They become obsessed with getting him back at any cost. They even ask the guy what was missing in the relationship and try to be “more fun” or “take up golf” or whatever he said it was, but it usually never works out. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if the boyfriend stops seeing the other woman and comes back to you, you’ll be forever checking his phone to see what he’s up to. It will be hell.

However, strong suspicions do not always a cheater make. We have had clients whose father cheated on their mother or whose ex-boyfriend cheated on them and they are convinced that every guy is unfaithful. We help them see via childhood and dating history consultations that their suspicions are not always the reality; sometimes it’s all in their heads. Casey, who had an affair with a married man before her own marriage, often wondered if her husband was flirting with the women he meets at business lunches. But she has found no evidence in four years, and we have concluded that her suspicions have more to do with her own karma than with his behavior. Similarly, if your boyfriend cheated on his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, you may fear that he will cheat on you—but that is not necessarily true. They probably did not have a
Rules
relationship, but you do. Even if your guy
cheated on an ex, he will most likely be faithful to you if you did
The Rules
.

Sometimes a woman will complain that her boyfriend is a buyer beware when the problem is that she is doing
The Rules
too strictly. For example, she will be rude instead of busy, or impossible to get instead of just hard to get. Cindy was dating a notorious player and thought turning him down for a Saturday night date once a month would make him even more smitten. The only time to turn a guy down for a date is if he is behaving badly, like canceling plans or missing a special occasion (or, of course, if you really are busy). Her move didn’t make him more smitten. It made him confused—so confused that he got drunk and texted his ex-girlfriend. Cindy sensed something was wrong on their next date; she checked his phone and saw the text exchanges. She confronted him and he explained that when she said she was busy, he was sure she was seeing someone else. It was a big misunderstanding and they are now engaged. Overdoing
The Rules
can definitely backfire if not executed properly.
The Rules
are strict enough!

Speaking of players, players are not necessarily buyer bewares—sometimes they are just guys who have never met a
Rules
Girl before! They have been spoiled by women who call and text them or see them last minute or sleep with them too soon. When they meet a
Rules
Girl, they are often pleasantly surprised because they respect a woman who has boundaries and self-esteem and they love a good challenge. A notorious player can definitely be caught by a
Rules
Girl! But some player types will respond well for a month or two and then get angry that you are not seeing them at a moment’s notice or going away with them on weeklong trips. They blame you for not being more available. Some will even dump you and
then suggest being “friends.” They are either incorrigible or just not ready to commit. Next!

Other buyer-beware guys?

• Guys who break up with you for any reason.
  If he breaks up with you once, he can break up with you again. Guys who walk out on you or scream, “It’s over!” are bound to hurt you again. You should think, “Good riddance” instead of “How can I get him back?” Your boyfriend should never want to stop being with you.
  
• Guys who just want to be friends.
  A guy who suggests being friends after you have slept together, met each other’s friends and families, and shared special moments is a big buyer beware. He is
  demoting
  you, so do not be flattered that he wants to stay friends on Facebook and keep texting you. Don’t meet for lunch, don’t answer his texts, and definitely block him on Facebook and every other form of social media. He will just waste your time—precious time that you should be spending meeting new guys who ask you out! If you run into an ex who just wants to be friends at school or work or in your social circle, don’t speak to him first, be polite if he speaks to you, and keep walking.
  
• Guys who cancel more than once.
  You can waste years with a guy who is always rescheduling! Refer to
  Rule #24
  for the details on this type of guy.
  
• Guys who don’t follow through.
  Jill, a graduate student, was approached by a guy at a club who got her number and then texted her about going out on Saturday night. So far, so good. Then she didn’t hear from him for the
  rest of the week. She texted him at 8 p.m. on Saturday night, “What happened? I thought we had a date!” He wrote back, “I forgot. Why didn’t you text me sooner?” She wrote back, “I can’t date a guy who forgets and doesn’t follow thru!” He wrote back, “I can’t date a girl who doesn’t text me to remind me.” Yikes! But she shouldn’t have texted him in the first place—once he forgets, you forget. If you have to remind him that you have a date, then it’s not a date you should be going on. And if he asks you out and then doesn’t show up, it’s over!
  
• Guys who are extra work from day one.
  Haley was introduced to a guy by a mutual friend who showed him her photo. She was in the middle of a business meeting the first time Joey texted her. He wrote her asking if he could call her in ten minutes—the first red flag, as he assumed she could drop everything in ten minutes to talk to him at work. Haley asked us what to do and we instructed her to text him back the next day, “Sorry I was busy in meetings all day.” He texted back, “I thought I would hear from you sooner. Okay, call me when you’re free.” Haley wrote back an hour later, “Okay, or you can call me…” It was like a standoff, waiting to see who would pick up the phone first. He finally called her that night and set up their first date for drinks. But of course, it wasn’t that simple. First he texted her to meet him near his office downtown. She wrote back, “It’s better for me if we meet uptown around here.” He then texted could they meet halfway, but as
  Rules
  Girls don’t meet halfway, she texted back that she was too busy with work and he finally texted okay to that. We told Haley, brace yourself, this guy is
  going to be a handful—buyer beware! Their encounters felt like peace talks. Sure enough, he spent the one-hour drink date talking nonstop about his ex-girlfriend. We told her, Next! Run as fast as you can! He never called or texted again.
  
• Guys who talk about other women.
  If your date or boyfriend is talking about his ex or other women in general, it means he doesn’t like you enough. Even if he talks negatively about them, it usually means he’s not that into you, but is just using you to vent or be his therapist. Buyer beware, and Next! When a guy really likes you, he wants to talk about you!
  
• Alcoholics, drug addicts, or any other kind of addict.
  If your boyfriend drinks heavily or gets wasted all the time, buyer beware, what you see is what you get. He may sober up one day or he may not. You can ask him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or check into rehab; you can join a support group to learn how to detach with love, but don’t think any of that will necessarily change him. Some guys just cannot be changed. If your boyfriend has a debt problem or a sex addiction or a bad temper, buyer beware. He may get solvent and stop watching internet porn or he may always act this way. So either accept him and look the other way or break up.
  
• Guys who have ulterior motives.
  You make more money than he does and he asks you to pick up the check. He seems to perk up when he finds out you live in a duplex two-bedroom, as he lives in his parents’ basement. If you don’t want to attract gold diggers or users, don’t tell guys how much you make or spend money on them.
  And if you don’t want to attract guys who may be trying to use you for sex or to get over their ex-girlfriend or out of boredom, don’t break
  Rules
  by sleeping with them too soon or acting like their therapist or agreeing to see them last minute. Doing
  The Rules
  weeds out guys who want to be with you for the wrong reasons.
  
• Guys who get angry if they don’t see you all the time or don’t hear from you more often.
  Sometimes a woman will wonder how to stick to the “seeing him only twice or three times a week”
  Rule
  or “wait four hours to text back”
  Rule
  when the guy is asking her out 24/7 and complaining that she doesn’t call him back fast enough. She should nicely say she is busy and can’t see or text him more often—and she doesn’t need to give a reason. The guys who really like her will understand and be patient, but the guys who argue and complain that they can’t get to know her without hearing from her and seeing her more are usually time wasters. Caitlin, a thirty-year-old CPA, was dating a guy who would get angry if she didn’t make time for him more often. She was so afraid that he would break up with her if she didn’t see him whenever he wanted that she gave into his demands. After two years of dating, Caitlin asked him, “Where is this going?” His answer: “I don’t know yet.” Not only had she spent a ton of time with him, but they had also vacationed together and met each other’s friends and family. Being compliant and showing a guy how compatible you are doesn’t make him love you more or commit. She waited another six months and asked him again—but he said he still didn’t know. See? When you give some guys an inch, they take a mile.
  
• Guys who don’t ask you out for Saturday night.
  If a guy is always making plans with you on a weeknight, claiming that weekends are for guy friends, he may have a girlfriend or just may not like you enough and be looking around. Don’t see him during the week, as such dates are too casual after a point. If he wants to be serious, he will take you out on serious dates. Text him, “Work is super busy this week” so he is forced to ask you by Wednesday for Saturday night. If he doesn’t, then you’re not the only woman in his life!
  
• Guys who don’t commit.
  If you date a guy for nine months or more and he doesn’t ask to be exclusive or say “I love you,” then he is probably seeing other women. If you met online and have been dating for several months, check to see if his profile is still up. If it is, it’s probably not because he forgot to take it down or doesn’t know how, but because he’s still dating other women, so buyer beware! When a guy is ready to commit, the first thing he says is “I don’t want to date anyone else, so I’m taking my profile down” and asks you to do the same. Depending on your age, if you have been dating a guy for two or more years and he doesn’t bring up the future, it is probably not on his mind. He may think you will date him forever, so buyer beware! When you are ready, you will need to nicely ask him, “Where do you see this going?” and break up with him if he doesn’t have concrete plans.