Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (21 page)

Of course, this situation rarely—if ever—happens to a
Rules
Girl!
Rules
Girls don’t put up with guys who cancel more than once.
Rules
Girls don’t have to feel angry, disappointed,
betrayed, or have to make excuses for guys while trying to figure out what is really going on with them.

Kelly, a junior in college, told us that a guy she had been seeing for a few weeks texted her that he couldn’t take her to a party on a Friday night because something had come up with his fraternity. It just didn’t sound right. She argued that he wanted to be frat president one day. We told her not to message him back and to find someone else to go to the party with. Sure enough, a week later he broke up with Kelly and started dating someone else. A lame cancellation is usually the beginning of a breakup!

Jessica, thirty-two, was setting up a first drink date with a divorced guy with kids who found her on
Match.com
. An hour before they were supposed to meet, he e-mailed her to change the time from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. because “work was busy.” We told her to cancel. While we were discussing the issue with her, he texted again that he just realized it was Parents’ Night at his son’s school. Could they reschedule for the following week? He added: “I owe you dinner now for ruining your night!” We told her now it was really over! But Jessica thought he was cute and wanted to give him a second chance. She texted back, “Okay, good luck tonight,” even though we didn’t think it was a good idea. Of course, he never contacted her again. What would possess a guy to make a date and break it and never reschedule? He probably met someone else he liked better.
Don’t
try to figure it out. If he cancels, especially more than once, he just doesn’t like you enough!

We are not making these stories up! In almost twenty years of private consultations, we have rarely seen a relationship work when the guy canceled more than once. In fact, we have interviewed hundreds of happily married
Rules
wives and all
of them said that their husbands never canceled a date for any reason. Winter cold, heavy rain, client meetings, term papers, medical school, traffic, the Super Bowl, a family wedding… nothing stops a guy from seeing you if he likes you. If a guy cancels more than once, we suspect he will cancel again and again. Next!

T
HE TERM “SEXTING”
was coined years ago to describe the trend among teenage girls and young women of sending explicit or suggestive messages, photos, and videos of themselves in scantily clad clothing to guys on their cell phones. While these young women obviously think sexting is fun, cool, and innocent, it’s actually foolish, inappropriate, and dangerous. If a sext gets around, you will be absolutely mortified and mocked!

Basics first: Anything you send electronically can be easily saved, forwarded, copied, or posted on Facebook, loaded onto YouTube, etc.—leaving you completely humiliated. With the push of a button, a guy can show his friends your sext describing your favorite sexual positions or your e-mail begging him to take you back after your breakup. Of course you think, “He’s my boyfriend and would never do anything to hurt me.” That may be true today, but what if you have a fight tomorrow? If he gets angry or he gets drunk, he might think about getting even by posting your private chats or private
parts
online! It’s happened before and will happen again. It’s one thing to be sexually playful one on one, but it’s something completely different to have it paraded on the internet.

The
Rule
is: Before you send anything to a guy, ask yourself if you would be comfortable with his having it if you were no longer dating. If the answer is no, then
don’t do it
! Never let your guard down or give a guy ammunition to hurt you. With everything being broadcast on the internet today, you just never know!

Besides the clear exposure and embarrassment factors, the whole idea of sexting is the opposite of
The Rules
on so many levels. Here are more reasons sexting is a bad idea:

• If you are the one initiating sexts, you become the aggressor, showing a guy that you are not “light and breezy and busy.”
  Rather, you insinuate that you have nothing better to do than stand on your bed in a Victoria Secret push-up bra and thong and take photos. Not smart and not cool! But responding to sexts is not smart either, since they can be used against you.
  
• You’re not being mysterious and you’re certainly not being hard to get
  . You’re telling him exactly what’s on your mind: him and sex! Not only that, but you’re also more or less implying that you want to
  have
  sex with him. It becomes too obvious that you like him too much. Would you bother spending countless hours sending him inappropriate messages and photos otherwise? We think not!
  
• You are not being a
  cyberspace
  Creature Unlike Any Other—you’re not showing any self-respect.
  A cyberspace CUAO is private and discreet and even a little prudish. She doesn’t use sexting or sex to get a guy. She lets a guy fall in love with her essence and soul, not just her body. She is the good girl who saves it for the right
  guy or at least a relationship. Remember, a CUAO has standards; she would not compromise her relationships and reputation. Sexting sends a completely decadent message—that you are open for business—and that’s not what you want!
  
• You run the risk of your message being misinterpreted or photo shopped.
  Even sexts sent in a flirty, innocent way can get into the wrong hands and come back to haunt you in a way you never predicted.
  

Kara, a junior in college, learned this lesson the hard way: She sexted a naked photo of herself to her boyfriend, Nick, a senior. When their relationship fizzled out after a few months because of Kara’s fits of jealousy and neediness, Nick passed the photo on to a former friend of hers (key word: “former”), and from there it went viral. After receiving 2,500 page views, Kara was so mortified that she transferred to a community college and moved back in with her parents. She quit the varsity track team, left her sorority sisters, and drove around in dark sunglasses and a baseball cap. Don’t let this kind of embarrassment happen to you.
Rules
Girls are too smart and too classy for sexting!

T
WENTY-FIVE OR EVEN
fifteen years ago, before BlackBerrys and iPhones, booty calls were hardly an issue at all. After all, how would a guy even find someone to hook up with in a matter of seconds in the middle of the night? Unless he just stumbled onto her, how would he know what bar or party she was at? We’re not saying booty calls never happened, we’re just saying it was a lot more difficult to make them happen. If a guy called a girl’s house for sex at 2 a.m., he would wake up her parents or her roommate, so it didn’t happen a lot.

Flash forward: Today, every girl has a GPS chip in her! Late-night hookups have never been easier or more rampant. Guys can reach out to girls anywhere, anytime. We know girls don’t even turn off their cell phones when they go to sleep so as not to miss any late-night texts—they sleep with them on their chests or next to their pillows. Smartphones have replaced teddy bears! All it takes is “where r u?” or “what r u up 2?” or “let’s meet up!” Arrangements are very easily made.

So what is
The Rule
for booty calls? Simple: no answer! Ignore it! Delete it! If you get a late-night text saying, “what r u doing right now?” or “wanna hang out?” don’t even write
back, “too tired” or “no thanks” or anything else. Most guys will try to manipulate or shame you into meeting them through the flurry of time-wasting texts that will ensue. If you write back at all, chances are you will end up going to his place, having sex, getting hurt when he doesn’t text you until the next hookup, and ultimately regretting it. So don’t dignify booty-call texts with an answer, and definitely don’t waste time worrying that you are being rude. It’s rude of
him
to text you so late. If he really liked you, he would have made plans ahead of time, not at 2 a.m. for 2:15 a.m. Guys who like you think about you in advance. A booty-call invitation is an insult. Don’t feel flattered and don’t be afraid you are offending him by not answering. He doesn’t deserve a reply.

The bottom line is that a booty call will not lead to real dates, romance, or the closeness you crave. It may start out full of excitement, but it will leave you feeling empty, hurt, and damaged. Even if you’re not looking for a husband right now, you want to be treated with respect and keep a good reputation. Maybe you’re thinking, “I can’t help it. I like him and I think he likes me” or “I don’t care if it leads to a relationship” or “It’s okay if I don’t hear from him again” or “Whatever happens, I can handle it.” Or you’re thinking, “I’m a big girl now, so I can do whatever I want” or even “What’s the big deal?” These are all rationalizations that even the smartest young women buy into. But the truth is that booty calls simply are not good for you. It’s not a question of right or wrong or a moral issue—booty calls are bad because they don’t work. They don’t lead to dates, a healthy relationship, or
any
relationship at all. No matter what you tell yourself, you
do
care if you don’t hear from him again and you
do
want to be called, texted, wanted, and, most importantly, respected the day after you are with a guy. That is why you
are thinking about going through with the booty call at all! Rather than appreciating that the latest technology lets guys get in touch with them so easily, many young women actually feel flattered—“Oh, he’s texting me at 2 a.m., I must be on his mind!”

Alcohol and drugs can play a big part in such hookups. Jessica, a college sophomore, has never gone on a booty call sober because she makes poor choices only when she is wasted—yet another reason to limit yourself to one or two drinks when you go out, as we strongly suggest in
Rule #21
. You need a clear head to turn down a good-looking athlete or the VP of marketing late at night. These guys are used to girls throwing themselves at them—they rarely, if ever, hear the word “no.” They can probably talk you into meeting up with them for a late-night tryst, so it’s important not to give them the chance to. Being under the influence will make it more difficult for you to ignore them.

Another factor contributing to the frequency of booty calls, especially in college, is proximity. There are so many house parties, fraternity parties, pre-game and tailgating parties, post-bar parties—but you’re never too far from home. Clearly, you have to exercise a lot of self-control not to hook up meaninglessly. If you are serious about turning down booty calls, you might want to find other
Rules
Girls to support you who you can reach out to if you’re feeling weak. Maybe you can seek her out at a party if you feel tempted, or ask her to keep an eye on you. Sometimes good girls make bad choices when it comes to men!

Lauren, twenty, comes from a good family—she was a Girl Scout and churchgoer; her father is a lawyer and her mother is a PTA mom. But Lauren started going on booty calls in the second semester of her freshman year. She felt desperate to
have a boyfriend; without a guy in her life, she felt awkward and lonely. She thought if she hooked up with some frat guy, it would lead to something more and she would feel pretty and popular. She rationalized that she was liberal, she was a feminist, it was the twenty-first century, and she could do whatever she wanted. After all, she figured, what’s the worst that could happen?

Lauren introduced herself to Brian at a party, and he was more than happy to sleep with her that night. But the late-night hookup never led to any dates, let alone a relationship. When she reached out to us for a consultation, we told her that it was not going to go anywhere with Brian and to stop seeing him, but she wouldn’t listen. He texted her about once a week to hang out at his place, always at 2 a.m. after the bars closed or after he had sometimes taken out another girl who wouldn’t sleep with him—booty-call texts. Brian was either drinking or drunk. Lauren had convinced herself that he really liked her, but when she turned Brian down for the first time, he yelled, cursed, and belittled her. When he tried to shame her into hooking up with him by saying, “What, you’re too good for me?” it was the last straw. He made her feel horrible.