Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (25 page)

The difference between Alyssa’s and April’s story is
Rules
broken along the way. Regardless, the only way to know if a guy is planning to marry you is to ask his intentions, assuming everything else is good.
Rules
Girls don’t waste time! A guy who says he loves you but can’t marry you for any reason simply doesn’t love you enough. Cut your losses and find someone who
does
see a future with you, no matter what else is going on in his life!

We love happy endings! We constantly get wedding announcements from
Rules
Girls around the world and even have a success stories section on our website. Here’s one of our favorite stories, which we heard as we were writing this book. Our client Tracy was in the Swiss Alps pretending to enjoy skiing. Todd, her boyfriend of thirteen months, whisked her away to Switzerland for a four-day weekend to celebrate
her thirty-third birthday. Tracy wanted to celebrate with a sparkly diamond ring on her finger—she also hated skiing and had nothing to wear—but we told her to go anyway. She begrudgingly agreed and promised to check in with us on her BlackBerry. Weeks earlier, she had asked his intentions and he said that he didn’t like having “a gun put to his head.” We told her not to react but to keep in mind that guys will sometimes test you to see if you will let them propose the way they want to—or if you’re going to be a difficult diva.

We had been working with Tracy ever since Todd, thirty-eight, reached out to her on
Match.com
. The pretty brunette party planner had a history of whirlwind courtships that never panned out and was determined to do things differently this time. Tracy was on a strict boot-camp plan—seeing Todd only twice a week, keeping texting to a minimum, and disappearing in between dates. Todd brought up the future in a general way, but made it crystal clear he was in no rush to get married, having been through a messy breakup with his live-in ex-girlfriend of three years.

Tracy’s birthday came and went on the first night of the long weekend, but there was no ring in sight—just a romantic dinner. We told Tracy that it would be too predictable for Todd to propose during her birthday dinner, as most guys like to do it their way and surprise the woman of their dreams. The next day was even worse: she fell off the intermediate slope and tore a ligament in her ankle! She texted us from the mountaintop, “I’m on crutches, I can’t ski. Can I go home now? He is so not proposing!” We were sorry about her ankle, but told her just to finish out the trip lest he think she was crazy and marriage-obsessed. We assured her that if he didn’t propose by the end of the weekend she could say, “I’m old-fashioned and don’t believe in dating for more than
a year and a half without a ring and wedding date” and then take a break—after all, he was thirty-eight, not twenty-eight!

Two days later we got an e-mail from Tracy saying, “He did it! I’m so happy, details to come!” On the last night of the trip during a romantic dinner at a mountaintop restaurant, Todd said his jacket felt heavy and she responded it was probably because it’s leather. He said no, there’s something in my pocket that’s weighing it down… and pulled out a ring! Tracy, a fast talker from LA, was in such shock that she went into a trance and became speechless. Todd talked on and on about their future and she could barely remember anything. So he proposed
again,
which was funny considering she had been wondering whether he was going to ask her at all! She wrote us, “LOL, after proposing twice he asked me, ‘Now will you return all my calls and texts?’ ” We wrote back, “Sure, whatever he wants… you were hard to get, now be easy to be with!”

Why did we bring all this up? Because Tracy didn’t always feel like doing
The Rules
when she was working with us. She sometimes wanted to see Todd five times a week; she would have texted him and texted him back all day; she would have gone on a weeklong trip to Europe with him after knowing him for only three months; and she might have lived with him as well. On her own, she might have screamed, “Skiing????!!! Are you kidding me? Are you going to marry me or not?” or “I can’t believe you didn’t propose on my birthday!” Without
The Rules
, Tracy would have blown it! But Tracy played hard to get and got her Mr. Right.

B
EING REJECTED IS
never easy, no matter how wrong a guy is for you or how much wrong he did you. Today rejection can be even more painful than ever before. A guy can announce the breakup on Facebook or that he’s “finally single” on Twitter. He can forward around nasty e-mails and cause you public humiliation in addition to private anguish. And if you do decide to stay connected to your ex on these sites, you may see status updates or photos of him with his new girlfriend or other women and find out that he has moved on.

If a relationship doesn’t work out, it’s because it just wasn’t good for you. But most often when women have just been broken up with, they do not want to hear that the guy they are pining for is not good for them—they just want him back!

When women in this situation contact us for a consultation, we do everything we can to find out if the relationship is salvageable. If we think our client made a mistake that can be fixed or that there is the slightest chance of getting him back, we suggest one call, e-mail, or text for closure. She can send
one
message saying something like “Hi, just wanted to see how you are doing” to see if the guy bites. If it was a
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relationship to begin with and he shows interest in reconnecting, she will go on a strict plan of being hard to get but easy
to be with. But if it was not a
Rules
relationship or her ex is already dating someone else, we advise her to move on—and quickly. We say, “Next!”—meaning wipe away a tear, go to a party or club where he is nowhere to be found, and join an online dating site ASAP!

Of course, it’s not always that easy to move on, and we completely understand and sympathize. Even if the guy was bad news, she may refuse to see it, or ignores it and still wants him back. Maybe he is her high school sweetheart, maybe he is the guy she lost her virginity to, or maybe he is her fiancé. Even if he said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” or “We are just not good together,” she may want him back. She just wants to talk about him, the guy who got away, and nothing else. She keeps going over and over everything that happened until the breakup, hoping that she can figure out what went wrong and how to make it work again.

She also has many logistical questions. Should she answer his texts? Nope! Accept a booty call? Absolutely not! Should she still give him his birthday present? We don’t think so! Write a closure letter going over the relationship and thanking him for all the good times? Nah! And what should she do with his stuff at her place and how should she tactfully get back her things from his place? Who cares! Get a new flatiron. Just get up, get dressed, and get out! Some will, but others refuse to date again until they see photos of their ex and his new girlfriend on Facebook. Whatever works—every woman has to get it into her soul that the relationship is completely over before she moves on.

Here are some
Rules
-y ways to get over an ex:

• Start dating ASAP!
  Did we say that already? We can’t say it enough! The best revenge is getting all dolled up
  and meeting new guys who, unlike your ex, think you are fabulous! How fast, you might ask? The sooner the better. We mean tonight or tomorrow—not a month or five months from now. Women who have been rejected often say they are “not ready” to date so fast, that they just can’t even think about it because they feel so hurt. But this mind-set is a big mistake. You can still have your sad feelings, but have them before and after parties and dates—not
  instead
  of parties and dates. Being caught up in what went wrong with your ex will actually help you do
  The Rules
  on a new guy because your heart won’t fully be in a new relationship—and that is a good thing! We have heard countless stories of women who met their future husband right after a breakup. Why? Because they were still so emotionally involved with their broken relationship that they didn’t pay much attention to the new guy—they were a challenge without even trying to be. Plus, meeting someone new will help dissipate your sadness and anger toward your ex. It works both ways.
  
• Do a cleanse!
  Make it fun. Invite a friend to your place for the purging. Get rid of everything he gave you. Shred, toss, or burn greeting cards and photos, sell any jewelry, and donate books, DVDs, clothes, and other material items. Delete all his texts and e-mails. Don’t turn into Bridget Jones! Removing the things from your world that bring him to mind will help you think about him less. This kind of cleanse will set you up for the fresh start you need and deserve. Melissa Rivers confessed on her show
  Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best
  that she did a major purging after a bad breakup with
  her boyfriend—she bought a new mattress and towels and threw out the computer where she found the sex sites he was frequenting and e-mails from other women.
  
• Remember the bad times, not the good times.
  If you are going to think about your ex, think about your last fight and how badly he hurt your feelings. Focus on the lies he told you, how selfish he was, that he didn’t get along with your sister, and that he was sometimes just difficult. Every time you feel your heart fill up with memories of a romantic date he took you on or how much fun you had at that baseball game, just let those sour memories back in, too! They are the antidote to the longing you might feel after a breakup.
  
• Don’t write angry letters, texts, e-mails, Facebook posts, tweets, or anything.
  There’s a saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” and it’s true. We know women who have posted angry and mean-spirited things like “You’ll be sorry” or “You and your slutty new girlfriend deserve each other” or “I want to rip my heart out but someone already did.” Don’t be stupid. If you send hateful messages, the same guy who said he loved you once could say you are harassing him and threaten to call the police! Your best move is no contact at all. De-friend, un-follow, delete from contacts—whatever you need to do. At this point, don’t worry that such a move will possibly show that you care too much: in these situations how you are perceived doesn’t matter—it’s still the best idea for everyone. Trying to exact revenge will only prevent you from moving on. If you must vent or release some anger, e-mail your rant to a friend or to your therapist so someone else in the world knows how you feel.
  Another great option is to write it out and then hit the delete button. But the last person who should read your diatribe is your ex!
  

Danielle, thirty-two, sent a handwritten seven-page letter to her ex explaining how much he hurt her. (She avoided e-mailing it to him because she was afraid he would forward it to his friends.) But she never heard from him again. When she ran into him one day at the mall, she asked him what he thought about the letter but he denied ever getting it. Remember the episode of
Friends
in which Rachel writes Ross an eight-page letter about whether they were “on a break”? Ross falls asleep reading it and pretends to agree with what Rachel wrote, so they get back together—but once he
actually
reads it and realizes she spent eight long pages blaming him, they break back up! Don’t waste your time! That energy would be better spent writing up your new online dating profile.

• Don’t write status updates about your ex or your heartbreak so that all your girlfriends can rally around you.
  Ashley, twenty-four, posted on her Facebook page, “I can’t believe I wasted a year on a guy who is so immature.” In Greek-chorus fashion, her friends commented, “You go girl. Any guy would be lucky to be with you. His loss!” While sweet, this post only called attention to her less-than-ideal situation. It made her sound angry and pathetic to everyone, including any new cute guys!
  
• Don’t reach out to your ex’s family or friends to try to get them to plead your case.
  They probably won’t and even if they do, he probably won’t listen. His mother,
  sister, or best friend cannot make him change his mind or love you again.
  

The good news is that every client who moved on quickly met and married her Mr. Right also realized in hindsight that the guy she had been pining for was wrong for her. “My husband is so much better for me than my old boyfriend. We have more in common and don’t fight,” said Briana, thirty-two, a client who initially felt too heartbroken to believe that there could be life after her ex. It’s true: rejection is usually a blessing in disguise. So if you have just been broken up with, don’t get upset or angry. Get even by meeting someone even better for you!

W
E POLLED HUNDREDS
of guys, including college students, twentysomethings, and men through their fifties. We talked to single guys, boyfriends, and husbands. Many said the same things when asked what has turned them off about women they have dated. As you’ll see, all the
Rules
we’ve discussed will help you combat these turnoffs. If you don’t know why the guy you are with is losing interest or you are afraid he wants to break up, it might be something on this list. Fix it before it’s too late, or work on it for the next relationship!

Here is our list of the top twenty:

1. Trying too hard.
   Guys like girls who are relaxed and go with the flow.
   
2. Multiple tattoos, body piercings, and trashy accessories.
   
3. Deliberately running into him all the time
   (i.e., at a bar or party) or showing up uninvited at places she knows he’ll be.
   
4. 4.
   Texting or checking her Facebook messages while out on a date.
   As one guy put it, “Am I that boring that you need to be on your phone with someone else? How would you feel if I did it?”
   
5. Writing on his wall in a possessive way
   or writing things that are too personal and could potentially embarrass him.
   
6. Criticizing him to or in front of mutual friends.
   
7. Hooking up too soon,
   since it can come across as desperate.
   
8. Overeating or, conversely, giving guys a daily diary of what she’s eating and her caloric intake.
   As one guy put it, “I don’t care that you were eating meatball pizza all day.”
   
9. Attempting to stay friends with an ex by communicating with him or finding ways to see him.
   “This drives me crazy. How would she like it if I was keeping in touch with my ex? Don’t make me into the jealous boyfriend you hate.”
   
10. Not caring about her appearance.
    (Guys care about looks more than you’d like to think!)
    
11. Flunking classes or getting fired from jobs.
    
12. Codependence.
    “If she needs to rely on me to make her feel complete, she probably has some sort of personality disorder or deficit,” said one guy.
    
13. Complaining about something she can easily fix or change for herself.
    When a girl says, “I haven’t been to the gym in months, it’s really bad,” he wants to say, “Then just go!!!”
    
14. Wearing too much makeup or having excessive plastic surgery.
    
15. Making friends with a guy’s friends so she can hang out in the same circles as him.
    “I’m not talking about girls who become close to their boyfriend’s friends in a normal, healthy way—we all want that. I mean girls who forge friendships with a guy’s friends in a pushy way early on in the relationship with the wrong motives to get closer to me. It’s aggressive.”
    
16. Too much interest in material things.
    “While I like a girl with taste and style, she also needs to demonstrate some interest beyond bags, shoes, and clothes, like current events, politics, sports, and personal hobbies or interests,” said one guy.
    
17. Short hair.
    
18. Being too argumentative, critical, negative, or sarcastic.
    
19. Getting embarrassingly drunk.
    “It’s not cute or sexy.”
    
20. Comparing the relationship to other relationships
    and/or “never being happy in the moment because she’s always projecting about the future,” said one guy.