Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (26 page)

Q: A guy texted me, “hey wanna hang out sometime?” and I wrote back, “sure,” but never heard from him again. How do I get him to follow through?

A: You don’t! If a guy asks about getting together, but never gets specific after you agree to it, he is a time waster. Next! We know women who write back, “Yes, when?” or “Great, I am free Thursday and Friday this week and Wednesday next week,” thinking that will get him to commit, but it doesn’t. Just write back, “sure” and
whatever will be, will be. Trying to pin a guy down never works long term. He might feel obligated or guilty and agree to meet then, but if you have to push him, then it’s not meant to be. Remember, guys text lots of women out of boredom while waiting on line at the bank. Maybe the girl he really likes became available and that’s why he never followed up. Accept it and move on!

Q: Some of my friends think
The Rules
are crazy and pressure me to text guys or ask them out. What should I do?

A: You don’t need to discuss your dating strategy with these friends. Just change the subject or say you’re not using any strategy in particular. You can say, “What rules?” It’s hard enough to do
The Rules
with a supportive network. The last thing you need is criticism from or controversy with your BFF! Try to find even just one
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-minded friend, join a support group (see our website,
www.therulesbook.com
, for
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contacts around the world), or look into
Rules
online forums, blogs, phone meetings, etc. There are
Rules
contacts for teens, twenty-year-olds, baby boomers, and divorced women. It’s a good idea to e-mail contacts and discuss your dating behavior so you are accountable and not off on your own. Doing
The Rules
can be lonely if you are the only one of your friends not texting guys all day or hooking up. If there is no contact in your area, you can start a group or sign up to become a
Rules
dating coach and run seminars in your area to meet more
Rules
Girls and support each other.

Q: The guy I am crazy about found
The Rules
books in my bedroom. What do I do?

A: If he likes you, he won’t care. If he asks a lot of questions, just say that you signed up for a seminar or something a long time ago and forgot all about it. Don’t worry, if a guy thinks you are pretty, whether you do yoga, knitting, or
The Rules
, he will think it’s cute and interesting. We certainly don’t suggest volunteering any information about your dating strategies, but if he finds out, so be it. It’s so not a deal breaker!

Q: Is it okay to use emoticons? Any guidance on text speak?

A: Emoticons are great for friends, but we suggest rarely using them with guys because they show a lot of interest. Keep it simple: just use a smiley face to say congrats and a frown for “sorry you are sick” and leave it at that.

We support using abbreviations like TTYL or LOL, as these make you seem too busy to write full words and long sentences. You should always write fewer words than he does!

Q: How often should I be logging on to the online dating website I’m using?

A: One or two times a day is plenty, but never on weekends. Online dating should not be your whole life—just part of it! Keep in mind that on some sites, other users can see the last time you logged on. But even if you did log on ten times on one boring day, don’t worry about it too much. As long as you are not reaching out to guys first, it’s not the worst thing in the world and won’t stop a guy from pursuing you—he might even think you’re always on because lots of guys are writing to you!

Q: I’ve had three dates with a guy and he keeps texting about future dates, but I don’t feel anything. Should I keep going out with him or end it?

A:
The Rules
are
not
about dating a guy you don’t like. Dating is not a charity. Just say, “You seem really nice, but I don’t feel a spark… Sorry and good luck!” the next time he asks you out. If you think he is really nice, you can fix him up with a friend.

Q: A guy in my office stares at me and always sits next to me at staff meetings and tells me funny jokes. This has been going on since I started working there three months ago. How do I get him to ask me out?

A: You can’t! Some guys like to look, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested. Some have girlfriends or are married but don’t wear a ring, and some are just bored. It’s a fantasy relationship if a guy doesn’t ask you out!

Q: I’ve been going to singles events, speed dating, and dating online for the last nine months and have not met anyone I am crazy about. The few guys I do like have not approached me. How much longer do I have to do this whole get-dressed-up-and-go-out thing? It’s exhausting and frustrating! How do I get myself to keep going when I have nothing to show for it?

A: Being single is kind of like being unemployed. You don’t stop looking until you are hired—or until you meet Mr. Right. If a client tells us that she is taking a break from going out or is canceling her OKCupid membership, we ask why. Typically she will say, “I’m not meeting anyone good.” We think this response is completely irrational. You won’t meet anyone if you stop going out
altogether. Just make it part of your routine, rain or shine, that you try to meet available men once or twice a week. Maybe it’s like going to the gym twice a week, whether or not you feel like it. If you went to the gym only when you felt like it, you probably would not be in good shape. But most people want to get fit even if they hate going to the gym, right?

Q: When a guy says, “Text me” or “Don’t be a stranger” or “Friend me on Facebook,” is it okay to contact him?

A: No, it’s not. He still has to contact you! Doing any of the above would still be initiating. Guys who make this suggestion have either been spoiled by non-
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Girls in the past or are hoping you will do the legwork to keep the relationship going because they’re not interested enough. Don’t fall for these lines! Guys also say, “I like it when a woman makes the first move,” but they don’t usually marry that woman. Don’t listen to what men say; watch what they do. Men love a challenge, so be a challenge by ignoring these requests!

Q: Why do guys ask for my number and never call me?

A: He’s not interested, but he may have wanted to be polite or end the conversation without hurting your feelings. Sometimes a guy will take your number at a party but meet someone he likes better later on. Some guys collect numbers just for the conquest of it or to brag to his friends, “I got eight numbers last night!” Maybe he plans to use it someday when he is lonely or bored or for a booty call. If a guy has your number and doesn’t use it within a week or two, he doesn’t like you enough. Don’t think about it too much, just move on!

Q: A new guy who got my number texted me for the first time on Friday at 7 p.m. Can I write back four hours later on Friday at 11 p.m.?

A: No! Just like there are blackout periods on airline-mile usage, there are blackout periods on communication with guys, specifically Friday 6 p.m. to Sunday 6 p.m. Otherwise, you end up in a texting chatfest with a guy who might be texting five other girls on a Saturday night and wasting your time. Wait until Sunday night and text back, “Hi! Super-busy weekend, just getting back to you…”

Q: A guy contacted me through an online dating site (or e-mail or Facebook) and said, “Here’s my number, you can text me.” Should I bother writing back?

A: First of all, don’t be insulted that he is not asking for your number. Maybe other women have spoiled him by texting him first or he thinks you don’t want to give out your number for safety reasons. Whatever the reason, just e-mail him back, “Okay great, and here’s my number as well…” and then wait for him to contact you. Don’t say, “I’m not going to text you first, you have to text me”—we don’t tell men our dating strategy.

Q: You mentioned that we get “one text (or call) for closure.” I was dating a guy for two months—we were not exclusive—and he suddenly stopped calling three weeks ago. Can I get in touch with him for closure?

A: No, not hearing from a guy for three weeks
is
closure. You don’t have to find out why or make the breakup any more official. The only time to make “one call for closure” is when a guy ends a committed, exclusive
relationship and you later realize that you broke some
Rules
and want him back. In that case, you would just text him, “Hey, how’s everything going?” and see if he shows any interest in talking or meeting up. If he does, just act really light and breezy and stop whatever behavior you believe turned him off. If he doesn’t want to talk or meet, then move on and don’t break
Rules
in your next relationship.

Q: I am madly in love with a guy I have been dating for six months. Is it okay to give him my password to Facebook or my iPhone to show him that we have a good relationship and no secrets? And should I ask him for his password to prove that he loves me?

A: No, it’s not
The Rules
in any way to have no boundaries or privacy. Love is not about being an open book, ever. Giving a guy your password is like giving him the key to your diary. In fact, it’s often a recipe for disaster because it can lead to a breakup if either of you comes across potentially hurtful messages or texts. Being a
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Girl means being discreet!

Q: Is it okay to contact guys on an online dating website just to say hi and ask them to look at my profile? There are thousands of women out there—the chances of my showing up in a guy’s search are really slim. I feel like the only chance I have is to reach out first and then do
The Rules
by waiting for him to ask me out.

A: We understand how you feel, but it is not
The Rules
to contact a guy first for any reason. If your profile doesn’t appear in his search, then oh well, it wasn’t meant to be.
Any
kind of contacting a guy first on a dating site
is making the first move, showing that you like him/his profile, and thus you will never know if he would have pursued you on his own. It’s just like tapping on a guy’s shoulder at a party to make sure he notices you because there are so many other women in the room! Part of
The Rules
is trusting in the universe that a guy will find you and that you don’t have to make anything happen.

Q: What’s a
Rules
-y way to handle video chats?

A: Like with everything else, less is more with video chatting. The first time a guy FaceTimes you, say, “I don’t really like it.” If he asks why you declined, use one of these excuses: “My Wi-Fi is not working”; “I’m not in the mood”; “This is a bad time”; “Nah, not today”; or “I have my phone on speaker and I’m doing other things.” If he tries again, you can accept once for every three times and do it for only ten minutes at a time. If he can see you every time he calls, he will get bored! If a guy insists that you video chat with him, then he’s a buyer beware. Any guy who tries to make you feel guilty about it is obnoxious and not for you anyway.

Q: Is asking a guy out
ever
okay?

A: No. The
only
exception is if you need a date to the prom or your sorority date party or it’s a Sadie Hawkins Dance. In these rare cases, we suggest you invite a platonic friend—not someone you have a crush on. Don’t attempt to use these parties to launch the love of your life, or you may get hurt if he said yes only for the event, but doesn’t feel the same way about you. Also, asking a guy to marry you is completely out of the question.
Disregard any leap year folktales that say it’s a sign of good luck.
The Rules
trumps any superstition!

Q: A dating blogger suggested I tell guys by the third date that I am marriage-minded and looking for a serious commitment so that I don’t waste time with someone just looking for a casual relationship. Do you agree?

A: No, we don’t. We think it’s premature and crazy not only to put all your cards on the table, but also to grill him so soon. Most guys will find it TMI and run. We think it’s better to possibly waste time on a few dates than to scare him away with future talk. When you do
The Rules
by acting light and breezy and ending dates first, a guy who likes you will automatically bring up his intentions. He might drop hints like “You’re going to love my mother’s lasagna” or “My best friend is getting married in June… Are you around this summer?” A guy’s intentions cannot be found out by revealing your hand, but rather by listening for his clues. The same guy who might have been interested will probably change his mind if you ask him point blank where the relationship is going on the third date.

Q: A guy I’ve been casually hooking up with for the last few weeks just posted a photo on Facebook of himself with two other girls! I’m really upset. Should I confront him?

A: Absolutely not. You should ignore it—or do the same! Change your default photo to one of you and some cute guys, but never let him know how much it bothers you. He may be testing you to see if or how you react, or it might just be an inside joke with those other girls. But
don’t freak out. Facebook doesn’t define you or your relationships. You’re not exclusive and he doesn’t owe you anything. For you to act jealous and possessive like every other girl might scare him.