Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (5 page)

We know this subject can be touchy with some women, but every client who took our advice and got her nose done is thrilled. It may just be an idea you consider.

If you have a lot of facial hair—a unibrow or even a mustache—you should get it lightened or waxed. If you have weak nails or bite them, get a gel French manicure that can last two to three weeks. Long nails will make you feel like a goddess, and so will long eyelashes. You may want to have eyelashes put on. Get your teeth whitened, especially if they are yellow or stained from coffee or cigarettes. Wear contact lenses (try blue and green shades!) instead of glasses. Yes, being a CUAO is work. But as Mae West famously said, “There are no ugly women, only lazy ones!”

Some women can run corporations or marathons, but they don’t have the faintest idea how to dress for men. They live in turtlenecks or super-preppy sets or busy and loud colors instead of sexier outfits in sophisticated, solid shades of black, white, tan, and the occasional khaki green. Or they wear blazers with white button-down shirts and flow-y scarves and wraps and tall boots with flat heels that are great for riding horses, but not for dating. If a woman wants to catch a man’s attention, she should wear sexy, trendy (though not necessarily expensive) clothes, like tops that show some cleavage with a push-up bra and short skirt—anything above the knee. We remind women to dress for men,
not
for other women. Men don’t care for flat shoes, even if they are Chanel or Tory Burch; they want you to look feminine in heels, as high as you can stand!

We understand you may have a unique style and we respect
that, but in terms of dressing for dating, we feel that a certain look—or uniform, if you will—works best: tops that show some skin, short skirts or tight skinny jeans, and heels. Pant suits and long, flowing scarves that cover up your cleavage are great for business or having lunch with the ladies, but for guys, you have to look hot, hot, hot! Not slutty—sexy!

Kristi, a thirty-year-old pharmacist, contacted us after her two-year relationship ended with her boyfriend not proposing. In addition to going over all
The Rules
she broke, we went over her clothes, too. She sported a preppy look: crewneck T-shirts and button-down shirts with knee-length skirts and flats. Her hair was pulled back either in a ponytail or bun. Everything she wore was expensive but boring. She looked like she was going to the library! If she was going to date again, she needed to look hot. We showed her black V-neck, scoop neck, and halter tops, white denim and black spandex skirts, and four-inch-heeled sandals from her favorite store. She had photographs taken after her makeover and shopping spree that actually made her look like a model—she couldn’t believe the difference! She is now dating several men she met online and at speed-dating events, and one of them invited her to his sister’s wedding. She already knows what she’ll be wearing: a short gold sequin tank dress with her four-inch heels. We rest our case!

Experts say you should go through your closet every two years and give away or throw out any clothes that are not sexy or in style. We agree! The same way you should quickly move on from a relationship that’s not working is the way you should say good-bye to boring or old clothes, shoes, and bags. Many clients have asked us to help them clean out their closets during makeover consultations—a CUAO does not hang on to frumpy clothes! No one has ever looked back.

Again, women have their own personal style. But we think that any
Rules
Girl’s best accessory is big (three-inch) hoop earrings in silver or gold. It’s a youthful look with long, straight hair and the right makeup. Little or big diamond studs (real or fake) are great when you are engaged or married, but they are too dainty and suburban-looking when you are single. To catch a man’s attention you need big, dangling earrings, not ones that get lost in your hair. Big hoops scream
Vavoom!

Another great accessory is a chunky gold watch. It’s bold, modern, and reeks of self-confidence. In fact, a big watch and hoop earrings are about all you need to look hot! Let a man buy you a necklace or bracelet—and eventually a diamond ring. These two simple accessories may sound trendy, but they’re not. We’ve been telling our clients to wear them for the last twenty years—they’re tried and true. Brands may come and go, but this sophisticated look hasn’t changed. Don’t ask, because we can’t explain it; we just know it works.

Big sunglasses and the au courant bag are also smart investments. Men may not know Payless from Prada, but they will notice if you are wearing a popular sunglass frame or a cool handbag. So go online or pick up magazines like
InStyle
or
Vogue
and copy whatever celebrities are wearing, but do so within your budget. Wearing narrow or aviator frames when the style is oversized Jackie O or Victoria Beckham–type sunglasses will make you seem out of touch. Similarly, if slouchy, oversized bags are in, you should not be wearing a small purse or fanny pack.

Men want to feel like they are dating a model or celebrity, so look like one!

I
N OUR FIRST
book, we told you not to speak to guys first—not even an innocent “Hi” or “What time is it?” Doing so not only shows interest, but goes against the natural order of dating: the guy pursuing the girl. If you speak to or text a guy first, that’s making the first move, so how will you ever know if he would have reached out on his own? You won’t—and that’s the problem!

The intention behind talking to or texting a guy first falls into three basic categories. The first and worst is to create a relationship. The second and more subtle is to remind him that you exist, or even ask him out, if you don’t hear from him after a date. The third is to get closure because you haven’t heard from him in a while. All three are pretexts for making things happen or keeping a relationship going, and totally against
The Rules
.

Talking to or texting a guy first may make you feel cool, but essentially you’re just getting in the back door, creating a relationship that may never have happened otherwise. He may date you because he is flattered or bored or because you’re nice, but he probably isn’t truly crazy about you. You might get mixed messages from him—sometimes he acts interested, sometimes he forgets you exist—but that isn’t a
Rules
relationship. When a guy talks to you or texts you first, he is never ambivalent. He is always interested and always in
touch. If you talk to or text a guy first and end up in a relationship with him, you might be confused when he eventually ends it, but trust us, it’s because you made the first move.

In a
Rules
relationship, a guy contacts you after a date to ask you out again. You never need to text him first at any point, because he is always texting you about the next date. So if you don’t hear from him again, the relationship is over and contacting him to keep it going (“Had a great time, thanks for dinner!” or “Haven’t heard from you, is everything okay?”) is a ruse that won’t work. Your tactics might extend the relationship briefly, but eventually he will end it by never texting you again. Save yourself time and heartache by not texting a guy first—ever. This
Rule
also applies to instant messages, Facebook, and e-mails, as we will discuss in later chapters.

You might be thinking, “Seriously? Even today a guy still has to reach out to me first?” or “Everything is more casual these days. This generation is different!” We understand how you feel. It may seem crazy or way too strict not to talk to or text guys first, but it really works! When we told women fifteen-plus years ago not to initiate a relationship by speaking to or calling men first, they also reacted with utter shock. But they quickly got over it when they realized the results.

Sometimes successful women are the biggest
Rules
-breakers. They argue that their MBA or graduate degrees give them license to pursue men like they pursue careers and condos. But a
Rules
-y businesswoman knows that work and love are just not the same. TV sensation Bethenny Frankel is a perfect example. Frankel pursued everything in her life—a reality show, books, DVDs, and a beverage business—but she did not pursue her husband, Jason Hoppy. Frankel told the
New York Times
that Hoppy walked up to her and spoke to her first at a club, despite the swarm of photographers vying for her attention. If letting a guy make the first move is good enough for this TV powerhouse, it’s good enough for you!

Unfortunately, many smart young women find this
Rule
out the hard way. Abby, a twenty-one-year-old journalism major, thought
The Rules
were so yesterday. She had read our first book in her freshman year, but didn’t feel it applied to her because she liked doing her own thing. So when David walked into the bar and didn’t come over to her, she went over to him. She thought, “What’s the worst that can happen?” She liked everything about David’s look, from his long, wavy hair to his Polo shirt with the collar up to his sports jacket and LL Bean loafers. He was “exactly her type,” she told us.

She said hey and nothing more. David said hey back and bought her a drink. They talked for two hours and “had insane chemistry.” They liked the same music (Coldplay), food (sushi), vacation spot (Bermuda), sport (basketball), and TV shows (
Mad Men
and
Law & Order
). They “even held hands for a few minutes” before saying good-bye. She felt chills going up and down her spine. This guy could be The One! They exchanged numbers and he said he would call her.

The next day he texted her, “Nice meeting you. Just moved into a great one-bedroom. What do you think of coming over one night? I’ll cook.” Abby wrote back two minutes later, “Sure, when?” David wrote back two minutes later, “Busy with new job, will get back to you” and then he didn’t write back for a week. When he wrote next it was late at night from work. Abby’s best non-
Rules
friend suggested she ask him how his job was going. She told her, “If he’s so busy with his
new job, it will be nice of you to ask.” So Abby texted him, “Is your new job really stressful?” and he wrote back, “Yes, thanks for asking,” but never followed through on his invite.

Abby contacted us, confused about why David dropped the ball. She toyed with the idea of sending him another friendly text, but decided to e-mail us instead. She didn’t understand why he would suggest getting together and not follow through, especially when she had been so nurturing. She was sure that she had found her perfect soul mate and couldn’t figure out what went wrong.

We carefully went over the whole evening and explained that he may have been her exact look and personality type, but apparently she was not his. If she had been, he would have walked over to
her
, spoken to her first, and followed up with a real date. Because she spoke to him first, she created an interaction that may never have happened, and because
she
kept it going, she was completely baffled as to why he was not more responsive. But we aren’t! The reason you shouldn’t speak to a guy first is to find out what he will do on his own. If a guy doesn’t make the first move, he doesn’t make other things happen either, like texts and calls and actual dates. A guy you speak to first will let the ball drop because he never wanted that ball to begin with—he was just being polite or was flattered. Playing by this
Rule
, you get to see if he would have approached you, a short brunette, the tall blonde across the room, or no one at all because he has a girlfriend and just wanted to have a drink. Abby was crushed to hear the truth, but she conceded that we were right and that’s why David had disappeared into thin air. And by the way, she never heard from him again.