Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (4 page)

College girls are not the only rebellious ones. We hear from women in their twenties who are into self-discovery and following their hearts—not into thinking hard and abiding by a boring set of dating dos and don’ts. They feel that
The Rules
are not fun or that they are not ready to do them now—maybe in five years. We get it. We also have clients in their thirties, forties, and fifties who are just out of a long relationship or an unhappy marriage. They have not been on a date with a new guy in years. They call us to find out what
The Rules
answer is to their situation, but then they are not ready to follow through. They crave recklessness. They want to act like adolescents and have three-hour textfests and eight-hour first dates and even a few one-night stands.

We had one client who was determined to “sow her wild oats” after being married to a workaholic husband who never wanted sex. After e-mailing a cute guy she met online, she decided to instant message him at 2 a.m. and thought it would be “an adventure” to drive an hour away to meet him at his place that weekend. They slept together and she stayed with him for three days. She said she didn’t care if she never heard from him again because she just wanted to have fun and make up for lost time. She heard from him sporadically over a period of three months—only when he wanted her to drive to his place. There were no romantic dinners or loving e-mails. After he ended the relationship by text, she was crushed. She realized that even when you tell yourself, “It’s okay if it’s just sex,” it usually isn’t; women want more! So now she is doing
The Rules
and loving it!

We have some intellectual-type clients who argue that
The Rules
are disingenuous. They want to “write their own rules” and “let their spirit move them” to e-mail or text a guy or sleep with him. We tell them that this philosophy sounds good, but to call us after they get hurt and/or meet the guy they really want to settle down with. And they usually do! Sometimes they do
The Rules
by accident because they didn’t really think they liked the guy and call us triumphantly to say, “I didn’t do
The Rules
, and we’re engaged.” But we explain that just because it was by accident doesn’t mean it’s not
The Rules
. It’s kind of like losing ten pounds without really trying, because you had a stomach flu.

No matter what your age, whether you are a single college freshman or a divorced forty-five-year-old,
The Rules
are for you if you are tired of making mistakes with men and getting hurt or dumped.
The Rules
are for you if want to be in a healthy, loving relationship with a boyfriend and/or future husband, as opposed to one-night stands and instant-message marathons. So when doing “whatever you want” stops working, you’ll think about doing
The Rules
! Until then, go wild!

W
HEN WOMEN CONTACT
us for a consultation, they are usually not feeling great about themselves. The guy they’ve had a crush on hasn’t asked them out, their boyfriend of three years hasn’t proposed, or their college sweetheart just broke up with them by text. They feel hurt and inadequate and unlovable. Some want to swear off dating indefinitely or until they feel they can trust men again. They get a pet or eat ice cream, or miss school or work for days. But we help them get back into the game and reassure them that, regardless of their situation, they are a Creature Unlike Any Other—any man would be lucky to date them! We give them their confidence back.

Being a Creature Unlike Any Other is not about being the prettiest or most popular girl, but about confidence and self-esteem no matter what else is going on in your life. It’s about dating with dignity and not being desperate. A CUAO is not anxious or jealous or negative or cynical. She believes in love, even after a bad breakup. She would never say that there’s no one good at a singles event or that only losers are on dating websites or that she’ll never meet anyone. Instead, she walks into a club like she owns the place and tells herself as she circles the room, “I’m beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to talk to me? There is someone out there for me.” Of course, she may not really feel this way or totally believe it, but she acts as if
she does! If any of us had waited until we felt like dating after a bad breakup, we might
still
be waiting. How long should you wait to date again? One day is more than enough—the best way to get over a guy is just to meet another one! You can cry over your ex while Googling speed-dating events. You have no time to waste!

Being a CUAO is also about doing the best with what you have, not wishing you were someone else. It doesn’t matter if you were not popular in high school, if your family is dysfunctional, or if you are unemployed; you are optimistic and don’t complain (at least not on dates!). You still show up with a hot outfit and a smile on your face. You hold your head up high without staring at any man; you walk around the room repeating the mantra that you are beautiful and any man would be lucky to meet you! Women are notorious for putting themselves down, so we tell them to pump themselves up. When you are thinking like a CUAO, you are less likely to talk to a man first, go out with him on a moment’s notice, or get drunk and then sleep with him.

Alexa, a thirty-two-year-old MBA, called us crying after her boyfriend of three years walked out. She was up all night reading
The Rules
and hysterical after finding out that she had broken every single one of them. We reminded her that she is a Creature Unlike Any Other and that any man would be lucky to meet her. We had her send us some photos and answer some questions so we could create an online profile for her—not the next day or the next week, but that very day. Alexa had modeled during college, so we gave her the user name SmartEx-Model32. She received dozens of adoring e-mails from men in the first few weeks. Well, what man wouldn’t want to date a model, former or not? She is now
married to a tall, handsome architect on whom she did
The Rules
!

Now, some women argue that calling yourself “SmartEx-Model” or “PrettyMBA” in an online ad is slightly arrogant or conceited. Aren’t we supposed to be more modest? Absolutely not! If
you
don’t think you’re amazing, who will? Women, especially those who’ve had their hearts broken, tend to feel like “damaged goods,” even if they are pretty and accomplished, so we build them up online!

Another client, Morgan, a forty-year-old accountant, was crushed when the guy she was seeing for six months told her he had met someone else. When she called us, we told her to go to a singles event so that men could drool over her. One guy she met said, “You are gorgeous! Do you have a boyfriend?” Being open and honest, she said, “No, the guy I was dating just broke up with me.” Of course, that was not a CUAO response, and the guy ended the conversation abruptly without asking for her number. He probably thought it was TMI. When Morgan called us the next day for a consultation, we said, “You are a CUAO! Why would you tell a guy you were dumped?” The next time a guy asked if she had a boyfriend, she said, “I guess I just haven’t met the right one.” She is now dating a handsome financial planner.

Being a CUAO means you don’t have to answer every question thrown at you. So if you are twenty years old and a virgin and a guy you just met asks you if you’ve ever had sex, just say, “I’m not comfortable talking about that now.” And if you’re forty and single and a guy asks why you’ve never been married, don’t say defensively, “I’ve been engaged twice,” just be light and breezy and say, “I just haven’t met the right guy yet.”

A CUAO would never put herself down or act self-destructively, even if she feels like a failure in the man department. She is not a doormat—she loves herself! She doesn’t cave in to peer pressure, nor does she pressure guys to sleep with her or be with her. She’s not an open book—she doesn’t blab on dates or overshare on Twitter; she listens more than she talks. She’s not jealous or mean-spirited, so she would never put down her ex-boyfriend to a new guy or write hurtful things on his Facebook wall. A CUAO would also never sleep with her best friend’s boyfriend or have a catfight with another girl over a guy. She believes what’s hers is hers!

A CUAO has too much self-esteem to chase guys. She instinctively knows that every guy has a type/look, so whoever likes her will go after her. A CUAO is cool and patient. She waits for guys to make the first move at work, class, a party, or online. She knows deep down that a guy will either notice her or not, so she doesn’t try to make anything happen.

A CUAO doesn’t rationalize non-
Rules
behavior, online or off. A CUAO is a cyberspace CUAO, too! She wouldn’t answer a last-minute e-mail or text that said, “What are you doing in five minutes?” She’s busy. She’s also not sarcastic or bad tempered. She would never write back in anger, “Not spending it with you!” or lecture men with “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” She wouldn’t write back at all, to avoid a flurry of exchanges about nothingness. She hits the ignore button if it’s a waste of her time.

A CUAO doesn’t try too hard or sweat any situation. She is okay with herself, even if she just lost a job or a guy didn’t call her. Instead of eating a box of cookies or getting drunk to drown her sorrows, she gets a manicure and pedicure and goes to a speed-dating party or updates her profile on
JDate.com
or
Match.com
.

When in a relationship, a CUAO doesn’t act possessive. She doesn’t hang all over her guy in public. She lets him put his arm around her. She lets the guy be the pursuer; she doesn’t take that away from him. She lets him take the relationship to the next level, since she appreciates that he likes to make the first move, on every in every way. She knows to let him catch her!

A CUAO isn’t needy. She gets attention by
not
trying to get attention. She doesn’t have to be loud or overly funny or super witty. She knows that just being in the room or being online is enough. Now that we’ve explained what a CUAO’s inner beauty is, let’s talk about how a CUAO should look, as men are visual and must feel a physical spark in order to pursue a woman.

I
T MAY BE
difficult to hear, but we would be lying if we said inner beauty is all that matters. As we have mentioned, most men are obsessed with looks. In other words, most men will not find out how wonderful you are on the inside if they don’t like your outsides. Men have a type. Heartthrob actor Leonardo DiCaprio has a weakness for tall, willowy blondes like Blake Lively, Bar Refaeli, and Gisele Bundchen. New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez favors cute blondes with killer bodies like Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, and Torrie Wilson. Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo also has a thing for beautiful blondes, having dated singers Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson before tying the knot with former Miss Missouri Candice Crawford. Tycoon Donald Trump likes tall, gorgeous, European-model types like first wife Ivana and current wife Melania. The point? It’s a waste of time to chase guys. You may not be their look, so no matter how wonderful you are, they won’t be interested.

Rules
consultations include an assessment of a client’s looks, both for dates/events and for online dating website profile photos. Here are some general beauty guidelines we suggest:

Most men prefer long, straight hair—below shoulder length. One of our personal hair stylists who worked at a top salon in New York City and has very high-profile clients did a survey of the men whose hair she cuts.
All
said they loved long, straight hair on women. It’s simply the most feminine! Anything above the neck or chin tends to be masculine-looking. We tell clients to grow their hair long or even to get hair extensions. Some women argue, saying that their hair is too thin to wear long or that it’s more work to wash and dry long hair. Our answer is, just try it! Others argue that hair extensions are too expensive, but we remind them that they had no problem dropping $500 on airfare to fly to visit their last boyfriend. See how you look! Also, curly dos can look messy, while long, stick-straight hair looks more like one of those luscious shampoo ads. We tell women with naturally curly waves to blow their hair out straight or use a flatiron.

We often tell women who feel blah with brown hair to try highlights or to go blond. A lighter shade really seems to perk them up. Premature gray hair should be colored immediately, as nothing makes you look or feel older than being silver! Hair is one of the first features a man notices about a woman and should not be ignored or skimped on!

Makeup can be tricky for some women. They either look pale and unfinished or, conversely, they wear too much and look flashy. Neither is flattering. We tell most of our clients to go to the makeup counter of their favorite brand at a local department store and ask for a day look and a night look, as well as instructions on how to re-create both themselves. While many women have their own personal style, we feel that makeup must-haves for a CUAO are bronzer, eyeliner, mascara, and a light-colored lip gloss. This stunning look makes a guy’s attention go to the eyes and cheekbones. A tan or bronzer makes you look like you just got back from St. Barts! After the makeover, we tell them to have photos taken to use in their online profiles.

Sometimes women e-mail us that they can’t seem to meet anyone good, at least not anyone they like who is cute or their type. When we look at their photos, we think we know why. A woman with a nose that has a bulbous tip or a nose that is simply too wide or long for her face may need more than makeup. She might want to consider rhinoplasty, which is of course a very personal decision for any woman to make, but one we highly recommend if she feels it can change her overall look and confidence. Don’t get us wrong, we are not fans of unnecessary plastic surgery. We’re not into breast implants and butt jobs and tummy tucks and all kinds of fillers, but your nose is right in the middle of your face, so it’s hard not to notice. We nicely suggest that these women look into getting their nose done, but also to stop there and not get obsessed with going under the knife.