Many Shades of Gray (46 page)

“You used me,” he said. “How is that going to help you? Are you planning on going back to your husband?”

“I am. You used me to hurt my husband and I used you to save my marriage. You thought the information you gave me would destroy us but it didn’t. I’ve tried to think of a way to prove to both of you that I’m no longer in love with you. I haven’t been in love with you for a long time.”

“What if he doesn’t forgive you? What will you do?”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’m just hoping that this works. I love him and I don’t know how else to prove it. Now that I’ve done the thing that he’s feared the most it won’t have the power to hurt him any more.” With that I walked away. I had no idea how it would go but at least I’d done something. The next move would be up to my husband and God willing, we’ll be able to put the infidelity behind us and start again. What more do I have to lose?

The End

Janice typed the words at the bottom of the page of her manuscript and printed it out. Simon would read what she’d written and he would believe it. She needed him to believe it in order for them to let it go. She had to prove to him that he had been right in the beginning. Then they could forgive each other anything and get stronger from the experience.

Janice placed the pages haphazardly on her desk, turned out the light and closed the door. She knew Simon wouldn’t go into her computer for the information but he would read the typewritten pages.

She heard Simon come in the door, heard him downstairs calling out to the staff. She kissed Mack and laid him in his crib, turned on the baby monitor, and marched downstairs.

“What’s going on?” Simon asked. “I thought you were going to Tommy.”

“I did.”

“Then why are you back? He didn’t want you?”

She ignored him. “I gave the staff the evening off. I’m making dinner.” Janice saw his mouth open quickly in surprise and saw when he made a quick recovery.

“What’s going on? Should I hire a food taster?”

“We need to talk tonight. What do you want for dinner?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Simon couldn’t begin to figure out what was going on. “I need to take a shower so whatever you want to make will be fine. Where’s Mack?”

“He’s sleeping.”

Simon glanced at his watch. Usually Janice kept the baby up until he came home.

“Why?”

“Go check on your son and shower. We’ll talk later.” She walked toward the kitchen, a slight tremble evident in her hands but she knew Simon hadn’t seen it.

Simon walked slowly up the stairs to check on his son. In four years Janice had never cooked once for him or even offered to. And she had never offered or given any instructions to the staff without first checking with him. Something was definitely up. He checked on Mack, making sure he was breathing. He checked the monitor and decided to go back downstairs. The shower could wait. He peeked in the kitchen, saw Janice busy at the stove, and decided to see if she’d written any more.

Janice was aware that Simon was watching her and she did her best to not turn around. This had to go the way she’d planned. She could barely keep still as she listened to the sound of him walking toward her study. Then she heard the door open. She knew he was going to read it. She had been planting little tidbits for him for the last couple of weeks. He wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from reading it if he’d wanted to. All she had to do now was wait.

* * *

Simon read the last line of Janice’s book several times. And each time the anger inside him increased. This was the reason she had sent the staff away, the reason Mack was asleep. Well, good, he thought. If she was preparing for a fight, she sure as hell was going to get one.

“Why the hell did you come home?” he asked as he stood angrily in the door frame of the kitchen.

“A son needs two parents,” Janice said, turning slowly and deliberately.

“He has two parents; you can see him anytime that you want. Why the hell did you come back?”

“I’m not in love with Tommy.”

“You couldn’t find that out until you slept with him?”

“I knew before I went to see him that I no longer loved him,” she said, evading his question and trying to answer as truthfully as possible. She turned away from the anger in his face, knowing that if she didn’t take a moment to gather her strength she might not be able to go through with it.

Simon spun her around to face him. “Then why the hell did you sleep with him? Tell me why you’re here, why you even bothered to come back,” he yelled.

“I came back because I can’t share the things with Tommy that I can share with you.”

“What did you want to share with Tommy, your blackness?” he growled.

“I wanted to share my pain with him but it didn’t work. You and I, Simon, we’ve shared our pain.”

“And you’re back with me because we know how to make each other hurt? God, that’s sick.” Simon shook his head, his instincts telling him not to go closer to her.

“Did you really think it was going to be that easy? That all you had to do was decide that you now want me. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than that. You sleep with another man, then come back to me, and I’m supposed to just forgive you and welcome you back with open arms? No, baby, it’s not going to happen like that this time. Get the hell out. Now!” he screamed.

Janice sucked in her breath. This was it, she was about to lose her husband. The knowledge ripped through her and she knew what she had to do. For once she knew what to do. “No. I’m not going anyplace.” She tuned the stove off, checked the pans, and marched past Simon with him screaming behind her. “I love you,” she said calmly, walking up the stairs to the bedroom. “We’re going to talk and for once you’re going to listen.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Simon shouted.

“Could you please keep your voice to a mild roar? Your son is trying to sleep,” Janice said, dropping her voice.

“What I mean is, you’re going to listen to me. I’ve been telling you for over a year and you haven’t heard a word I said. It seems you heard me pretty good before I told you that I loved you. You said you knew it and you kept after me. I told you this would happen if I said the words but you didn’t want to listen. I finally admitted that I love you and since then you’ve done everything in your power to try to make me stop. Maybe you should ask yourself why.”

“You’re crazy.”

“I was but I’m not anymore. Simon, I love you,” she said as tears rolled down her cheeks. “I love you.”

“Then why the hell did you go to Tommy? Why did you sleep with him?”

“Didn’t you think that’s what I’ve been doing all along? You’ve accused me of it a million times. Why are you so worried about that? Do you think that’s all that’s in a marriage?”

“Are you telling me that you don’t think fidelity is important?”

“I think trust is more so.”

“How the hell can you have trust and still screw around?” He tore his hand through his hair. He growled, ran downstairs and in a few minutes was back with bags, taking her things from the closet and throwing them into the luggage.

Janice sat calmly watching him. “I’m not leaving so you’re going to have to put all of my clothes back.”

“What do you want?” he said, coming to face her, dropping to the floor on his knees and locking his arms around her. “Do you really want to make those abuse charges come true?”

“You would never hurt me.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “You have no idea how badly I want to change our past. I have hurt you over and over. I know why you went to Tommy. You’re trying to repay me. You were trying to get even with me for hurting you, weren’t you? Admit it,” he said, reaching out and holding her chin in his firm grasp. “Admit the truth. You wanted to make me crazy, just like when you left without telling me where you were going. For days I didn’t know where the hell you really were. When you left me, you wanted me to believe you were in Tommy’s arms.”

Simon looked at her calm demeanor. “You wanted me to find what you’d written; you set this up. Why? Do you hate me that much? I knew you hated me but this…”

“Tell me something, Simon,” Janice interrupted him. “Right now at this moment, which are you more worried about, that I hate you or that you hate me?”

He stopped for a moment, startled, and stared at her. Then he continued. Two hours later he was still yelling as loud as he dared with Mack sleeping. Then to his amazement, he realized his wife had fallen asleep. He couldn’t believe it. “I’ll be damned,”he murmured softly and walked over to Janice, shook her shoulders and waited for her to open her eyes.

“Am I boring you?”

“A little.” Janice smiled. “I know you need to get this out of your system but I don’t particularly need to hear it all. I’m not going to stop loving you, Simon, so if you’re done, maybe we can talk.”

Maybe having a baby had made her insane. Or all the fighting they’d done through the years. He didn’t know what it was but it was evident his wife was insane. And he was almost as insane as she was, he thought as he moved backwards, because he was ready to listen to her. He plopped into a chair and sighed.

“What can you say? I told you a thousand times what would happen if you ever slept with anyone else. My feeling on the subject comes as no surprise to you.”

“I have something I want to ask you.” She pushed her body forward and allowed her legs to dangle from the bed. “Is this the worst thing that you could imagine to happen? I mean, is this what you’ve been so afraid of? Now that you feel you’ve relived your parents’ life, are you ready to let it go?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I know about your parents. You even told me some of it. It’s as though you’ve written a script that has to parallel their lives. You’ve sworn you didn’t want it but you’ve done everything in your power to recreate it.”

“Who told you that?”

“It doesn’t matter, Simon. I need to know and please, for once don’t be so hot tempered. Think about the answer before you give it. Your worst fears have been realized and I know that you’re hurt. I think the entire block knows that you’re hurt. Are you going to be able to forgive me for betraying you?”

Janice watched the tortured expression on her husband’s face and knew she had to go all the way. She had to shove the blade into his heart and make him bleed. “I love you, Simon. I don’t want to leave you. I want our marriage to work. Can you forgive me for the things that you’ve read, for the things that I’ve done and allow us to continue as a family?”

“Say it. Can I forgive you for sleeping with Tommy?” Simon fell to his knees and pain filled sobs tore through him, making his entire body heave with his suffering.

Janice fell to her knees also and moved toward her husband, putting her arms around him as he sobbed, replacing them as he continually pushed her away. “I love you, Simon,” she crooned through her own tears. “Forgive me, baby, for making you hurt this way.”

“Why?” he moaned.

“I wanted to take away the pain that was in your mind, the constant thought that I might cheat on you. Look where I am, Simon. I’m on my knees, in your arms. It’s you I want, Simon, it’s you that I love.”

“You didn’t have to write it…for me…to read it…” A shudder ripped through his body and he clutched her to him. “You didn’t have to do it.” His voice broke and he held her even tighter. “Why?”

“I told you, baby, I wanted to stop you from hurting.”

“You didn’t do a very good job of that.”

We’ll see, she thought, but to Simon she said, “I’m sorry, baby, so very sorry to have to take you though this but I do love you. I’ll always love you.”

They stayed like that until they’d both cried themselves out and they’d dropped from their knees to sit on their butts still locked in each other’s arms. Janice continued crooning to Simon as though he were Mack, running her fingers through his hair, wiping his tears and her own, telling him over and over how much she loved him. When he took a deep breath at last and brought his head up from hers she knew it was time. She saw the resignation in his eyes. He was now ready to listen.

“So tell me, Simon, is this pain the worst pain? Is there anything that would hurt you more?”

Simon looked at his wife for more than a moment, his suspicions confirmed. She was insane. What could be worse than this? He closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Then he sighed and opened them and looked at his wife.

And in that moment Simon knew what she meant. He didn’t believe it. He’d always imagined enduring the infidelity his parents put up with to be the worst thing he could conjure. It wasn’t. As much as he hurt, no, it wasn’t the worst pain he could imagine. Finding out his son wasn’t his would be a much worse pain. Losing his wife, he realized as he looked at her, would destroy him.

“There are worse pains,” he finally admitted.

“Tell me,” Janice said, getting up from the floor and holding her hand out to him. “Tell me, Simon.”

“Losing you,” he growled as the pain of that reality burned through him. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You don’t have to, Simon. I don’t want to leave.”

“I just can’t forgive you for what you’ve done. It’s not going to be that easy.”