Many Shades of Gray (43 page)

“Simon.”

“Will you at least have the decency to wait until after the divorce?”

“You jackass,” Janice screamed. “You stupid, stupid jackass. Do you really think sex is on my mind right now? If I want to screw Tommy, it’s my body. You can’t give me permission.” She stopped screaming as the pain gathered momentum in the small of her back.

Simon ignored her and glanced at the scattered papers on the floor that Janice had dropped while trying to keep him and Tommy separated. “What is all of that?” he asked, seeing his name scrawled on one of the papers.

“That’s Tommy’s proof of the things you’ve done.”

“So this is what you’re going to use to divorce me.”

Janice opened her mouth and screamed as loud as she could. “God, you make me so angry, Simon, that I could easily hate you. If that’s what you’re after, keep talking and you’ll get your wish.” She glared at her husband, wanting to slug him and wanting to hug him to take away the sting of her vicious remark. But that wouldn’t undo the damage. Besides, she was pissed. She leaned over, trying to hold on until she gave her stubborn and foolish husband a piece of her mind.

“Every time I think there’s hope for you, you do something even crazier. I’m in the middle of labor, you jackass! Do you really think I’ve been thinking about screwing Tommy? Get over it. The moment that I push this baby out I’m going to do what you’ve been afraid of. I’ll sleep with Tommy since you seem to think I’m doing it anyway.”

She dropped to her knees and screamed out, feeling the contractions coming stronger and faster, hoping her plan to wait wasn’t another wrong choice. She wanted to deliver the baby in a hospital with doctors. She wanted numbing drugs, mind-numbing drugs.

Simon was by her side but she pushed him away with one hand while she clung to the chair with the other.

“Baby, we need to get you to the hospital,” he said as he reached for her.

“Leave me alone,” Janice screamed. “I don’t want you with me. I don’t want you anywhere near me.” She moaned aloud with the pain and dropped even lower as another contraction ripped through her body, making her spine feel as though it was on fire. She felt Simon’s arms going around her and in spite of the pain she dug her nails into his arms. “Don’t touch me,” she moaned, her voice filled with pain.

“Shut up,” Simon answered as he lifted her into his arms and yelled for the staff to bring the limo around. He carried her to the car, sat with her in his lap and cradled her against his chest, ignoring her protests, soothing her. His heart was pounding in his chest. He felt guilty for making her upset, guilty for her pain.

“Stop fighting me, it’s not good for the baby.”

“I don’t want this baby,” Janice screamed. “And I don’t want you,” she hissed between contractions.

He was trying to ignore her and her evil words, knowing that she wanted to hurt him. Well, she was doing it. And damn it, she had every right. He’d done everything to make her hate him. And now he had what he’d sowed. His wife was about to give birth and she was screaming that she didn’t want him or the baby. He’d heard that a woman’s hormones made her say horrible things to her husband during this time, but he didn’t recall anyone ever saying that women said it with the intensity that his wife was.

It seemed to Simon that it was taking forever to get to the hospital. Maybe it was due in part to his wife trying her best to move away, not allow him to touch her, while he was trying like hell to hold her on his lap. He was determined that she wouldn’t shut him out of this experience. Still, he was relieved when at last they made it to the hospital and the chauffeur ran inside and came back with a nurse and a wheelchair for Janice.

Within a few minutes the nurse was wheeling her to the birthing room, Simon’s presence having cut through all of the paperwork. Simon walked beside his wife, stroking her arm and attempting to offer words of comfort.

“I don’t want you in there,” Janice hissed, pushing his hand off her.

He stepped in front of the wheelchair, narrowed his eyes, and gave the nurse a cold stare. “Give me a moment with my wife,” he instructed. Then he turned to Janice, who was still glaring at him with brown fire in her eyes.

“Why don’t you want me with you?” he asked. “We took Lamaze classes together. I’m your coach, you need me.”

“I don’t need you, Simon, and I don’t want you.”

“I’m coming in.”

“No,” she hissed. “I’ll tell the doctor to keep you out.”

“You can’t do that and neither can your doctor. I have rights.”

Janice looked at her husband and remembered Tommy telling her he had rights. She hadn’t liked it much then either. “You don’t have rights if I don’t want you in there, and I don’t.”

“The father has a right to be there,” Simon said, trying to reason with her.

“Then maybe you should call Tommy. He’s the father, not you.” She watched as the blood drained from his face for the second time that night and he staggered back. She saw the pain that moved through him, crowded in on him and she saw the tears fill his eyes. Then the nurse returned and whisked her away. For that Janice was grateful. Once again she’d gone too far. She was wrong. She knew it but then a horrible contraction hit her more intensely than any of the others and her regret was lost in her screams. She hadn’t expected this. She’d gone through an abortion without a sound. This, she had thought, was going to be a breeze; it wasn’t.

She felt her tears running down her face. This pain was different. She wanted Simon with her as much as she didn’t want him there. She didn’t want to go alone through this a second time.

Ten minutes later the room filled with people and preparations began in earnest. Then Simon came into the room and she saw his face. His eyes were still pain-filled and she winced inwardly that she’d been the one to put the pain there. Still, some residual anger filled her and she glared at him, wishing she could stop

It made her angry that he had believed her. He came to the head of the bed and she hissed, “What the hell are you doing here? I told you to leave; I told you it’s not yours.” She saw her doctor’s head poke up but Janice ignored her.

Simon leaned down and whispered in her ear so no one could hear. “You know, I finally agree with Tommy about one thing. You can be a real bitch when you want to.” Then he sighed. “I’m here because I love you and I don’t want you to go through this alone. Like I told you before, I’m not Tommy, and regardless of whose baby it is, I will be here for you. I’m not leaving, so get that through your pretty stubborn head. I’m here to stay.”

“Leave, Simon,” Janice screamed, pummeling him with her fists. “I don’t want you with me.”

“Mr. Kohl, you’re upsetting her. Maybe it would be best if you—”

“I am not going anyplace.” Simon looked at the doctor. “You worry about delivering the baby, I’ll worry about my wife.” He turned back to Janice. “You’re not going to win this. You need me and I’m going to be here for you. I will always be there when you need me no matter where you are. Remember that.” His heart constricted with pain. He’d messed things up for them, but for this he could be there. He would not leave no matter what vile things she had to say.

Janice looked at him, attempting to glare, but the pain of another contraction hit and she grabbed for Simon’s hand and squeezed, screaming out. In the mist of the pain she heard his voice, soft, reassuring and strong. She forced herself to listen to his words of encouragement. She gained strength from hearing him tell her over and over that he loved her, that he wasn’t going anywhere.

And she squeezed his hand harder for all the pain they’d caused each other, for she knew it wasn’t over. Something terrible had happened between them. The trust had not just been broken, but destroyed and it would take something equally as drastic to repair the damage.

She traveled backwards in time, remembering her fear and abject loneliness years earlier and her total emptiness when the procedure was over. As pain pushed her farther, she begged for forgiveness for what she’d done twelve years before and what she was doing to Simon. This should be a time of joy for them in spite of the pain. She wanted that memory for the both of them.

Janice opened her eyes and looked at Simon through her tears and saw the tears that were coursing down her husband’s cheeks. She reached up to wipe the tears and he gripped her hand, kissed it and held on. And when the next contraction hit, and the next, they were not nearly as bad as they had been. And she knew the reason why. Simon was there for her. He was attempting to take her pain into his body, to shield her with his love and for that she was grateful.

One final push and she knew it was the last.

“You have a son,” the doctor said excitedly. Simon looked down at her and smiled. “Thank you,” he said, “thank you.” And he placed a soft kiss on her lips. He clung to her hand and she smiled for the first time in hours.

“Go see your son, Simon,” Janice urged. “You’ve waited a long time for this.”

“You don’t mind?”

“I don’t mind,” she said, squeezing his hand and releasing it so he could go and see the miracle they had created despite their fights. She listened to the squalling of the baby and thanked God. Her heart was full. And she prayed for one more thing as Simon brought their son to her. Janice prayed for God to show her a way to banish all of the ghosts.

She needed something permanent, something that would prove to Simon that she loved him. She needed to make him understand that it wasn’t Tommy that she wanted. She needed him to know that they could both let go of their past. But first she had to get him to acknowledge his fears. Her words alone had failed to carry the power, at least her spoken words. She was praying that her written words would have more of an impact.

* * *

For the past several hours Janice had been happy. She had been watching Simon hold their baby. He’d barely let her hold him for a moment. But when she had, she had breathed in his newborn scent, touched his hair and looked into his silver blue eyes, eyes that she knew were the duplicate of his daddy’s. Simon had smiled at both of them while her heart melted with love for him.

“What are we going to name him?” she asked.

“I like Mack if you don’t mind.”

“Is that a family name?” Janice bit her lip at the look that came into Simon’s eyes. No, he wouldn’t give their baby a family name.

“No, but I’m thinking if anyone ever says to him, ‘Hey Mack,’ that will actually be his name. What do you think?”

“I like it.”

A soft knock sounded and a nurse came and instead of going to Janice or the baby she went to Simon. Simon opened his mouth without being asked, his eyes focused on her, and she pulled her lips into her mouth, biting down softly, knowing the pain in their relationship wasn’t over. She held Simon’s gaze as he opened the mouth of their son for the nurse to swipe. The nurse headed for her and she opened her mouth, not saying a word. No one spoke until the nurse left the room.

“You’re not going to use the baby as a weapon against me. I’m not waiting twelve years to find out if he’s mine or not. This will be one thing we will not fight about. I don’t plan on playing this out in my head. I’m going to know. I’m going to have proof.”

Janice still didn’t answer. What could she say to a man who was holding the spitting image of himself in his arms? Maybe it was for the best, she thought. She’d done enough to give him room for doubt. She should be grateful that he’d know the truth but what she felt was hurt that he thought he needed to do it. Then she thought of his parentage and knew it was the right thing.

* * *

“Congratulations, Simon, that’s a beautiful baby you have there. He looks exactly like you.”

“I’m not going on looks,” Simon said. “I’m waiting for DNA results.”

Harold rubbed his eyes. “When will the two of you end this?”

“She wants a divorce.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Did Janice ask you for a divorce?”

“No, I asked her if she wanted one and she told me yes.” Simon sighed and looked down at the baby in his arms. “She’s going back to Tommy.”

“Simon, did she tell you that?”

“She didn’t have to. Why else would she leave me?”

“Because you asked her if she wanted a divorce, man. What was she supposed to do?” Simon stared at his son. Janice had made him soft and Baby Mack had turned him into mush. He couldn’t run a business being mush. He sighed. “This was my destiny.” He smiled sadly at Harold. “I tried to break a curse that couldn’t be broken.”

“Bull,” Harold retorted. “An unhappy marriage is not a curse; a marriage is what the two people involved make of it. You love her, why are you letting her leave?”

“It takes two people to make a marriage work.”

“And you think she doesn’t want to make it work?”

Simon shook his head slightly, smiling down at his son when he held his finger. “We’ve made so many mistakes. We’ve hurt each other so much. The last few months, all we’ve done is fight.”

“What the hell do you mean, the last few months? That’s all you’ve done throughout your entire relationship.”

“It’s different now. Since Mack was born we haven’t fought, but before, even our fighting had changed. It wasn’t the same. She wouldn’t look at me. She’d fight back but it…it just wasn’t…it wasn’t us. There was no making up after, no touching and I can’t live with her and not touch her. I can’t lie in the same bed with her and not make love to her.”