Many Shades of Gray (44 page)

“Then damn it, sleep in another room until you can repair your marriage.”

“I would repair it if I knew how. Maybe it’s best this way,” he said and smiled again at his son. At least he would have Mack. He thought of the DNA test, wondering what he would do if they said Mack wasn’t his. His heart lurched in his chest for a moment and his son’s ice blue eyes stared back at him. Mack was his son and it didn’t matter what a test said. He wasn’t giving him up.

* * *

Janice stood outside Simon’s study listening to him talk to Harold. She hadn’t intended to eavesdrop but there she was. So Simon still thought she was leaving. She almost smiled to herself. The man was nuts if he truly thought she was leaving him. And he was downright insane if he thought she was leaving her son.

She wondered if he thought she didn’t miss his touch. At least before she gave birth to Mack, they’d fulfilled their needs. Now they didn’t have that. She had to wait for six weeks.

She walked backwards a few paces, then retraced her steps, making noise so the men would know she was coming. She went inside the room and stared for a moment at Simon holding his son. There was something else she had to do. She had to apologize to Tommy.

For a dozen years she’d truly thought she’d had the right to make the decision all on her own to have an abortion, that it was her body, her call. Now she knew it wasn’t all on her. She’d robbed Tommy of this joy that Simon was experiencing. It had been only on seeing Simon at the birth of his son that she had realized it. And as each day passed she realized it more. She’d always thought she was the only person with a reason to be angry. Tommy had a reason.

“Hi, Harold,” Janice said. She turned her gaze toward Simon and smiled at him. Her heart ached for them. She saw him blink and then she walked toward him. “I need to feed Mack,” she said, taking the baby from him. She held Simon’s gaze allowing him to see the hunger in her eyes. The feel of his fingers on her skin caused a tightening in her womb as the electricity shot through her.

For a moment she couldn’t breathe and then Mack gurgled and she averted her attention from her husband and looked at the baby. She brought Mack upwards with one fluid motion, loving the soft baby feel of him. She sighed deeply. “I’ll see you both later,”she murmured. and walked away.

* * *

“If a woman who doesn’t love you looks at you that way, I wonder what would happen when a woman who loves you looks at you. I felt the heat from over here.”

Simon felt the hunger in his body. His loins tightened and he looked toward the door. “It’s been weeks. She has needs same as I do.”

“Simon, are you serious? Do you really think the way your wife was looking at you has more to do with the physical and not her trying to tell you that she loves you?”

Simon didn’t answer; he just kept staring at the door. He thought of all the things he’d done in…it was four years. In a couple of weeks they would be celebrating their first anniversary as man and wife, only he didn’t know if celebrating was the right word. He licked his lips. He really did believe his wife was his soul mate. He didn’t blame her for wanting to leave him. He’d done too many things for her to continue loving him. One day she would stop. Maybe it would be better for the two of them to end it while they loved each other. He’d hate to put Mack through the same things he’d gone through as a child.

At the sound of voices Simon and Harold turned toward the open door and Simon groaned aloud, then sighed, blowing the aftermath of his frustration out through his mouth.

“What’s wrong?” Harold asked. “I thought you liked your in-laws.”

“I do. But I haven’t seen them since…since I was arrested for spousal abuse.”

“Haven’t you talked with them?”

“Talk wouldn’t be the word I’d use. I’ve listened as I’ve been scolded, questioned and given unsolicited advice.” Simon glanced at Harold, giving him a wry smile. “I think I might have even received a thinly veiled threat or two from her brothers.”

Suppressing a grin Harold asked, “Didn’t any of them ask for your side of the story?”

“What the hell was I going to say?”

“Maybe that you didn’t do it.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “But I did everything else. Besides, if my wife hates me…” He paused again. “Let’s go, old man. I’m not hiding out in my own house.”

Harold laughed as Simon glared at him and walked out the door to greet his in-laws. “Hello,” he said first to Joe, holding his hand out for the man to shake, relieved when he did. There was a frosty politeness but at least Joe was being civil. “Joe, you remember Harold. He’s my only family and surrogate father.”

Simon turned toward Harold and caught a funny gleam in the old man’s eyes, surprise and something else. It occurred to Simon that he hadn’t done enough lately to show Harold that he appreciated him. He was glad to have Harold in his life to be the father to him that his own father had not been.

He looked toward Janice, saw her watching Harold and wondered but didn’t linger on the thought as his eyes gazed on his son in his mother’s arms. He would never allow Mack to feel unloved. He would always be there for him. Mack was wanted. A lump formed in his throat as he watched Janice place the baby in her mother’s arms. For the second time that day she looked at him and smiled softly, making his heart catch, making him wonder if they could be saved.

“Mrs. Adams, how are you?” he said, not going up to her. He tensed as he saw the woman studying him, her head tilted to the side.

“Why are you standing over there, Simon?” She raised Mack, sniffled under one arm and then the other and Simon laughed.

The tension was broken. Simon kissed his mother-in-law, hugged her and placed a kiss on Mack’s forehead.

Simon looked with confusion at his wife when he noticed her eyes filling with tears. She would be leaving him soon and he knew if it were he he couldn’t do it. He wanted to tell Janice not to worry, that she didn’t have to leave but he didn’t want her to stay just for Mack. He wanted her to stay for both of them.

Simon felt slight pressure on his arm and looked down at Carol Adams trying to push him toward the open archway. “I’m really thirsty,” she said. “Do you think we could get me a drink?”

“Pardon me for not having asked. I can have someone bring you something.”

“I think we’re capable of doing it together. You do know where your own kitchen is, don’t you?”

Simon laughed, knowing she wanted to talk. This was what he’d wanted for Mack, grandparents. Now…now who knew what would happen?

“Simon, why are you looking so unhappy?”

“I guess I’m not very good at hiding my feelings.” He opened the fridge, pointing at several things until Carol made a choice. He handed the cola to Carol and took Mack from her. “We’re going to get a divorce,” he said sadly.

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“There are too many things that went wrong.” He looked directly at his mother-in-law. “I know that you’re aware of all the things I’ve done. When we fight we make it public,” he said, not looking at her but at his son.

“Simon, if you’re talking about that mess that Tommy’s dug up, yes, I know about it. We all have skeletons in our closet, things we wish we could change, including Tommy. There are some things you can’t change, no matter what. You can only live this life to the best of your ability.”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Of course I don’t hate you. That would be foolish.”

“What about my being arrested for…for hitting Mary Jo?”

“Please, do you really think either Joe or I believed that nonsense?”

“But…”

“I know you’d never hit my daughter,” Carol replied firmly.

“How do you know that? How can you sound so sure? There are people who’ve known me for years and they believe that I did it.”

“Then they don’t really know you. Just because you may have gone to the same school or social function doesn’t mean that a person knows your heart or your soul, for that matter. You’re a good man and you love my daughter. I knew that nonsense was a lie when I first heard it.

“Besides, Mary Jo would have got her licks in. And you, well, when they showed your picture on television you looked shell-shocked in the beginning, then later amused. As for Mary Jo, I could always tell when that child was lying. She never came right out and said it was true, that you did it. She cried those fake tears for the camera.”

Simon laughed and looked at her. “You knew?” he asked, surprised.

“Of course I knew. I’m her mother. I knew she was denying it and giving those fake tears just to give the impression that you were guilty. Her father…wants to have a little private talk with you though.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry, he just wants to talk.”

“Janice told me she’d talked to him.”

“Janice?”

“Sorry, Mary Jo.”

“Joe talked to Mary Jo,” Carol laughed. “Now he wants to talk to you. I made him wait until we came here so he could talk to you face to face.”

“What about you? What did Mary Jo tell you?”

“I never even bothered asking her about that.”

“You haven’t talked to her?”

“Not about that nonsense. No need to.”

“If you didn’t ask her if any of it’s true I’m surprised you’re talking to me.” Simon stared at her for a second or two, then smiled. “Why are you talking to me?”

“Because I don’t want you thinking we have bad feelings about you. Both you and Mary Jo have the habit of hiding your feelings and assuming things. I don’t want you assuming how we feel about you.”

“Thanks,” Simon answered softly.

“Now I’m not saying that I approve of what you’ve done, either of you. But you’re a member of this family and we love you.”

“Will I still be a member after she leaves me?”

“You’ll always be a member but this is another thing I think you could stop if one of you would just be honest. I know the two of you like fighting but maybe you should stop for a minute and listen to each other without the fighting. I know you still love her and she loves you.”

Simon looked hopeful, then doubtful. “Sometimes love is not enough. The way we’ve been living has got to stop. It isn’t any good for any of us, and I can’t live with her the way we’ve been doing.”

“Then change things.”

“I can’t, she’s going back to Tommy.”

“Did she tell you that?” Carol asked, coming closer to him and placing a hand on the baby as she held his gaze. “What are you going to do, Simon?”

“What I promised. I’m going to let her go. She wants her freedom and I’m going to give it to her. She’s not going to fight me over Mack,” Simon almost whispered, looking at the baby.

“Mary Jo agreed to give you custody of Mack?”

“She wants out. There’s something she wants more than the two of us,” he said, stroking the baby’s soft skin.

“It’s not true, Simon.”

“You could have fooled me.” Simon swallowed. He shouldn’t be having this conversation with his mother-in-law. He should be having it with his wife. And he would. “Come on, let’s go back,” he said, putting an arm around the woman’s shoulder as he wrapped the other more securely around his son.

“Simon, I’d like to talk to you in private,” Joe said the moment Carol and Simon returned from the kitchen.

While Simon ushered his father-in-law toward his office he glanced over his shoulder and saw Carol with her head bowed talking to Janice. His gaze quickly swept the room for Harold and he spotted him studying a portrait of Simon with his parents. Harold glanced at him, raising a brow as if to say, “You wanted family involvement, now you have it.”

An hour later Simon emerged from his office thoroughly chastised. Joe had not been quite as forgiving as Carol. He’d wasted no time in telling Simon what he would have done had the rumors been true.

When they left a week later Simon finally breathed a sigh of relief. Fences had been mended but just barely. The news that Simon was taking custody of the baby had made Joe and Carol a bit tense. Hopefully they’d work through that. He still wanted Mack to know his grandparents. He wanted his son to have a family.

* * *

Simon stood for a moment in the doorway. Janice had been watching him all through breakfast as though she wanted to tell him something and was afraid. “I’ll see you this evening,” he said, giving her a chance to tell him what was on her mind.

“I’m going out for a little while today.”

He watched as she licked her lips and refused to look at him. “Where are you going?” he asked, knowing the answer in his heart.

“I’m going to call Tommy and ask him to meet me for lunch. I have to talk to him.” She hesitated. “I wanted you to know. I didn’t want you to find out later and think I was trying to hide it.”

Simon narrowed his eyes as he stared at her. His palm twisted the handle of the door and he held on as the onslaught of arrows pierced him. Before one volley would end another would begin. So this was how his marriage would end, not with a bang but with a whimper, with his wife telling him calmly as she walked out the door that she was calling another man to take his place.