Katie's Forever Promise (18 page)

“I'm sorry this has to happen like this, Ben.” Bishop Miller reached over and placed his hand on Ben's shoulder to steady him.

“I understand,” Ben said. “I'm not feeling well, and I need to lie down. I will do as you ask.” He turned and made his way to the staircase. He felt his way up the stairs, taking each step slowly and carefully. Heavy silence hung over the living room. They can straighten out the details themselves, Ben figured. He wasn't going to make any more trouble for Katie, but hearing that she'd been at the hospital when he was delirious was turning his world upside down. She cared enough to come! It was her voice he'd heard! Did that mean she possibly still cared for him? That couldn't be, could it? Not after what he'd done.

Ben finally made it to the top of the stairs and turned into his room. He held his head as he gently sat down on his bed and then gingerly laid back and swung his legs up.

Chapter Seventeen

Ben packed the last of his clothes in a suitcase on the following Thursday morning, stuffing in one last shirt before closing the lid.
Mamm
was waiting in the living room downstairs, her face still tear-stained. She was ready to drive him to his new apartment in town.
Daett
had been nice enough to find a place for him and pay the first two months rent. Ben assured his
daett
he'd be back on his feet and working by then, able to pay his own way. He wouldn't and couldn't work for the Amish carpenter crew again. Not just because of his jail record, but because of the church troubles. Deacon Elmer had been over on Tuesday night, checking up on things. He'd made it clear to Ben's
daett
that the ministry hadn't changed their minds about Ben. After all, something needed to be done because of the uproar he'd caused. The community wouldn't rest unless they knew their leaders were taking a strong stand.

Ben now realized that Enos Kuntz was behind most of the effort. After the ministers' Saturday visit, this knowledge had fallen into place. Katie had been dating Enos's son, Norman. That much
Ben had known, but he hadn't known that Norman had quit dating Katie because she'd come to the hospital to see him. At that news, Ben had wanted to rush over to Katie's house. Hope had risen strong. Would Katie consider a renewal of their relationship now that Norman was out of the way? But when he'd asked
Mamm
about it, she'd thought otherwise.

“Katie's heart is still torn,”
Mamm
informed him. “She came to the hospital out of Christian duty. In fact, Katie requested that if you didn't remember she was there, you not be told.”

Ben was sure Katie knew that request couldn't be kept, especially considering how everyone in the community eventually heard about everything. But it showed where Katie's heart was. She didn't consider a full healing of what had been lost possible—and she was probably right. Nothing could ever be the same. Ben paused. At the very least, he should thank her. But how? Going over to her house was out of the question. Grabbing a pen and paper from his dresser, he jotted down his thoughts:

Hi, Katie. Please hear me out. I don't know what to say or how to say it, but I'll try. First, thanks so very much for coming down to the hospital that night I was so sick. I just found out today that you came! I can tell
Mamm
thinks most of the credit for my being alive belongs to you. And you obviously didn't expect any benefit. It shows how great and beautiful your spirit is.

I've heard you lost your boyfriend over that visit. I'm sorry about that—and about a hundred other things I did wrong. I know there's
no hope of ever healing the hurt between us. I don't deserve you, and you don't deserve someone like me. I had so much with you, and I lost it through my own foolishness.

Perhaps you won't believe me, but I need to say this anyway. I wanted to tell you while we were together, but then I'd have to explain, and I thought I could just quit and no one would ever know. Katie, you were the reason I wanted to leave the secret life I'd been living. At the time of my arrest, I had quit working for Rogge for several weeks. I know that's small comfort. Thank you for helping me do it though.

You touch people's lives for the better, Katie. I hope you never doubt that. I hope
Da Hah
uses you to touch many more people in the world for His good. I'm one of those you've helped, and I will forever be the better for it. May you have a fulfilling life, Katie.

Thank you again,

Ben

Ben folded the paper, pushed it inside an envelope, and sealed it. There! he thought. He felt much better. This wouldn't do any good other than perhaps encourage Katie while she went through this troubling time, but at least it was something. This much, at the very least, he owed her. He went down the stairs dragging the suitcase.

Mamm
rose when he entered the living room, attempting a smile. “So you're all ready and packed?”

“
Yah
.”

“Will we be seeing much of you?”
Mamm
asked, her eyes glistening.

“I'll come home when I can,” Ben said softly. “But I don't have a place in town to keep Longstreet or a buggy.”

Mamm
hugged him. “It's not that far, Ben. Your
daett
and I can drive in to visit every once in awhile.”

Mamm
was grasping at straws, but they both knew that the Amish who were asked to leave the community rarely came back.

“Shall I get the horse and buggy ready?”

Mamm
nodded. “
Yah
, and I'll be out to help hitch up. I think your
daett
has Longstreet harnessed in his stall.”

Brenda came out to the kitchen and gave Ben a tight hug. “You take care of yourself now.”

“I will.” Ben's smile was weak as he gave his sister a kiss on the cheek.

He turned, opened the front door, stepped through it with his suitcase, and closed the door behind him. He made his way to the buggy and slid the suitcase under the backseat. Going into the barn, he led Longstreet out and to the buggy.
Mamm
was waiting, holding the buggy shafts up so he could maneuver Longstreet into place.

When they finished hitching,
Mamm
climbed in, and Ben threw her the lines. Once he was on the seat beside her, Ben took the reins. Waving to Brenda standing by the livingroom window, Ben turned Longstreet down the drive. He could tell Brenda was crying. His own eyes were dry, but he knew the tears would come tonight when no one was around. This was a lot more difficult than he'd anticipated.

Mamm
and son rode silently, listening to Longstreet's hooves beat a steady tattoo on the blacktop.

Mamm
broke through Ben's thoughts. “Perhaps the ministers will change their minds. You know they do sometimes, and then you could come back home.”

Ben shook his head. “It's not going to happen,
Mamm
. You know that. We'll have to see how things go with the
Englisha
police and court before we can cross that bridge. And there's Katie, of course. My staying away should make her life much easier. I don't want to make more trouble for her.”

Mamm
wiped her eyes. “I'm sorry about you and Katie, Ben. She's a jewel. She'll make someone a very
gut frau
someday.”

“You don't have to tell me that. I know what I lost.”

Mamm
didn't say anything for a few minutes. “I've never heard one of our women speak to you like Katie spoke beside your bed, Ben. She shared words of faith and hope. Of course, she thought you might not live, but still her words and thoughts moved me very deeply. You ought to mend your relationship with her, Ben. You should at least try.”

Ben's laugh was hollow. “And how exactly am I supposed to do such a thing? I did a very bad thing. I've been arrested and spent time in jail. And now I've been shot and have detectives calling at my door. And who knows whether someone won't come after me or those I love again? What Amish woman deserves something like that?”

“I suppose it does seem impossible,”
Mamm
allowed. “But then you didn't hear the young woman speak to you. Katie still loves you, Ben. I'm sure of it. You shouldn't throw that away.
Da Hah
can do amazing things when we trust Him and ask Him for help.”

“
Mamm
, come on now. I'm your son. You are a little biased, you know. And I know you don't want me to leave. Stop saying things
like that. If the ministers heard you say Katie was interested in me, they might place her in the
bann
.”

Mamm
smiled. “They're not hearing me right now, are they? And you won't tell them, I'm sure.”

Ben smiled. “
Nee
, I wouldn't do anything more to hurt you or Katie.”

Mamm
's voice trembled. “I worry about you being in town, Ben. So near to the people and things that led you astray. You've always been attracted to the
Englisha
things. I pray that you don't fall for them again. And watch the books you read in town. Look what reading those war stories brought you. I should never have allowed those books in my house.”

“I've changed,
Mamm
,” Ben said quietly. “I'm going to be all right, and I'm going to keep our faith.”

Silence fell between them until
Mamm
ventured a question. “Where did you get the name ‘Longstreet,' Ben? I've always wondered.”

“I think I'd best not tell you.”

“That's what I thought. Oh, Ben!”

“I got it from a book on the Civil War. Katie loved that name when I told her about it. And she's sound in the faith,
Mamm
.”

Mamm
sputtered a bit. “Katie doesn't have any sense on that point. And she was in love with you. We'll change your horse's name when I get back home, that's for sure. What if the ministers ever found out?”

Ben shrugged and pulled the envelope out of his pocket. “You can do what you wish, but would you give this to Katie after things have died down a bit? I wouldn't want either of you to get into trouble.”

Mamm
held the envelope. “What did you write, Ben?”

“I thanked her for coming to the hospital that night. And I wished her well with the rest of her life.”

“Do you think this is wise? To send a letter to her?”

“
Yah
,
Mamm
. It needed to be done. Just give it to Katie sometime later. No one will care after I'm gone for a bit.”

“Then you really are cutting all ties with us…with the community?”

“I don't plan to,
Mamm
. But we don't know how this situation will end.”

“Don't become bitter, Ben,”
Mamm
begged. “The ministers are doing what they think is best.”

Ben looked away. “I know.”

Mamm
slipped the envelope into her dress pocket.

Ben turned toward her. “I love you and
Daett.
I'm sorry for everything—for the hurt I've caused. Thank you for taking such good care of me these last few weeks. I know it couldn't have been easy.”

Mamm
pulled her handkerchief out. “You're our son, Ben. Of course we'll take care of you when you need it. Even when the way looks dark for us we'll do it because we love you and
Da Hah
loves you.”

Ben nodded. “Thank you. And tell
Daett
I'm sorry. He's done more for me than I deserve. I can't imagine the shame and pain I put the family through by breaking the law and being sentenced to jail. I know I didn't say it very often, but I really am sorry. I'll never do something like that again.”

Mamm
smiled through her tears. “You know the door at home is always open, Ben. So don't be forgetting that. Visit us as much as possible.”

“I'll try. And don't forget the letter to Katie. It's important to me.”

As the outskirts of Dover approached, they fell silent as they listened to the steady drum of Longstreet's metal shoes hitting the pavement. They were pounding away like the minutes of a person's
life, Ben thought. The sound of life moving forward with a power of its own that no person could stop. The Amish surrendered to its flow, giving in willingly. He didn't feel like giving in right now. He felt like fighting, like trying to get back what he'd lost.

“How are you going to get around?”
Mamm
asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“I'm going to get a bicycle.”

Mamm
smiled and looked relieved. She was probably glad he wasn't thinking about getting a car. But now he'd have to buy a bike even though he'd meant the comment as a joke. He hadn't really thought about the matter much, but maybe riding a bicycle was a good idea.

“
Yah
,” Ben said, forcing a smile. “That's what I'm going to do.”