Juilliard or Else (36 page)

"Abigail, it's your turn," Madame Ava said to me in the giant auditorium of the Lincoln Center.
The Nutcracker
was the biggest performance of the Christmas Season. Not only did scouts come, but also producers from actual ballets on Broadway. This was my time to really shine. Not only was Madame Ava sitting at a little table in the audience, two other judges sat with her to help make a decision. She told all of us to get used to it, because we would have to face dancing in front of other judges all the time in the near future.

My stomach turned a little as I stepped out from my third position in line at the barre. Yes, I did make it to third in line. The line started with Jasmine, Jon and then me. Once I was in front of the class, I got up
en pointe
, and with my hands raised above my head, I started my sweet solo of the Sugar Plum Fairy. I did every turn with elegance and didn't hear my feet once on the wooden stage. I stretched my legs at the right time; I bent my knees at the exact time with the music. I turned slowly, leaped elegantly, and finished my triple pirouette just perfectly.

When I was done, I smiled to the judges and walked back to the barre. My nerves were shooting through my body so badly, I felt like I had to throw up, but I remember Tucker's words to just breathe.

Always. Just. Breathe.

That helped a little bit, but the feeling was too strong; it was coming – opening of the throat and there it was. I ran out of the room to the nearest garbage and heaved it all up – my nerves, my anxiety – everything. I quickly wiped my face, used the restroom to wash out my mouth, and went back into the auditorium.

"You alright, Abigail?" Madame Ava asked in the microphone. I just nodded and the auditions went on. Three more hours went by and we had to perform our solos again. Madame Ava explained we would have to do that sometimes in certain auditions. My stomach settled down enough to do mine again, and I remembered to breathe.

"All of you did an outstanding job. Go sit out in the hallway and we will call you out one by one for your parts. Remember, everyone will get a part in
The Nutcracker
, but we have chosen who would suit the best parts, okay?"

"Yes, Madame Ava," we called out as a class.

Once out in the hallway, I sat up against the wall and shut my eyes. I had the worst taste in my mouth. I rested my arms up on my bent knees and held my breath. This audition meant more to me than
Swan Lake
. This dance was so special to me as it was my favorite and Shannon's as well. I thought of my birth mother more and more the longer I attended Juilliard. My dad told me she loved ballets, which was something he always admired about her. I really wish she was here to support me.

"Abigail McCall?"

I looked up to see Madame Ava staring at me with a clipboard in her hands. I followed her back to the stage as she took her seat with the other judges. I started to fidget and shift from foot to foot. Madame Ava raised a brow and I stopped. I let out a rush of air through my nose and held my head high.

Then suddenly, I saw someone sit up straight in the back of the room. He had his gray hood on, hidden from view of everyone else, but he was here. Tucker. He was here. He came to watch me. He slouched down in the chair, pulled his hood off and ran his long fingers through his hair – that wild mess that I missed so much.

"Abigail, we would like for you to perform for us again," Madame Ava announced.

I nodded, "Yes, Madame Ava."

My slow music that I practiced to filled the auditorium. Bending my left leg while my right stuck out, I formed my arms in front of me like a circle. My fingertips touched each other and that's when I took off. My turns and pirouettes were perfect. My feet didn't crash loudly against the floor, and when I stepped
en pointe
, I did it with classiness. I remembered to smile for my judges while my head was held high and my back as straight as it could go. I closed better than I had practiced and I was very proud of myself. My music stopped and I walked back to the center of the stage. Watching the judges write some notes down, Madame's eyes never left mine. She broke contact with me when she was given a piece of paper.

Madame Ava stood up. "Abigail, we wanted to let you know the part you get in
The Nutcracker
is…" She stopped and studied my face. I had butterflies like crazy; I felt as if my stomach was in one giant knot. I tried my best to stay still as she continued to stare at me. "The main Sugar Plum Fairy."

And that's when the tears came. My hands covered my face as I silently cried. I did it. I freaking did it. I took my hands from my face and watched Tucker stand up from his spot and start clapping. The judges looked over their shoulders back at him, wide-eyed.

"WOO HOO!" Tucker jogged down the main aisle, climbed the little staircase to the stage and swept me into his arms to spin me around and round. I took in his scent that I missed so much – cigarettes and leather filled my nostrils. Tucker was here. I was so happy right now. I met his blue eyes and lightly kissed his lips. He went stiff at first, and then gladly kissed me back, hugging me tighter.

Madame Ava excused us. Tucker took my ballet bag and we walked home, hand in hand. I couldn't stop smiling. I got the part I wanted. I worked so hard for it. I deserved it. I glanced up at Tucker – my sweet Tucker who I missed so much the last couple of weeks, and then I remembered the horrible thing I did to him. I stopped mid-stride and pulled him to me. I had to make it right between us so we could be happy again. I wanted him.

"Tucker, I'm so sorry about hitting you."

He shook his head. "Gabs, stop." I put my hand up to cover his mouth.

"Please, just listen to me. Okay?" He nodded so I took my hand away. "What I did was wrong. I shouldn't have smacked you. I know you were upset with me. My dad said some things that made me stop and think. It has nothing to do with Alex, I promise." Tucker's eyes softened and I could tell he wanted to say something, but I continued before he could. "My dad told me that I was too young to be in love, but during our time apart, I felt miserable without you. You don't know how much it meant to me to see you there today. I loved having you there, Tuck. I always want you there."

My last sentence came out more like a squeak. I couldn't help but be miserable being away from him. Tucker stepped up to me and cupped my cheek.

"I'm an ass, Gabs. A total asshole for the things I said to you. I deserved what I got. It's just, Alex has everything he can give you, and I don't have anything. I don't even have a place you can stay at, or visit me. Nothing. I have nothing. You get that, right?"

My sight started to get blurry from his heartbreaking words to me. "That's not true, Tuck. You can always stay with me. You love me, that's enough for me. And I promise you, you won't lose me to Alex."

"You won't see him again?"

I didn't hesitate. "No," I said, shaking my head. Tucker didn't waste any time taking my mouth in a hungry kiss. We kissed as if we couldn't get enough, eating each other alive and putting all our passion into it. It was from all the time we were apart.

Tucker and I made nothing but sweet love to each other the rest of the weekend. We only stopped to eat, use the bathroom and then shower together. Jett had to pull Tucker away Sunday night because a tattoo client who refused to get tattooed by Jett. I went with him and sat by his side, just watching him work his magic on the skin. This client wanted a giant chest piece done, wanting it to look like his insides were falling out. Not my kinda of style, but Tucker's work was gorgeous as always. Tucker made the guy get up every once in a while to take a break. I sat in Tucker's lap as the guy smoked outside. Tucker's masterpiece was finally finished; he looked in the mirror and was in awe of Tucker's work.

"Tucker man, you've got serious talent. This is exactly how I pictured it on my skin, man."

The guy gave Tucker a huge tip and that was when Tucker's client list took off. Jett always had the shop open, but he told Tucker by state law, he couldn't hire him, yet; he had to have two years of apprenticeship with so many hours included. Tucker was getting frustrated and upset every time he didn't make any money while doing something he loved. He told me that he had already been apprenticing for a year and a couple months, with about five months left. Jett gave him what he could, but there were still times where Tucker had to leave me to go with Jeremiah and Brad. Whenever we saw Jeremiah, Tucker would hide me or tell me to walk the other way. He would never tell me why or what was said between them. They would talk and I would end up by myself. I would be mad at Tucker when I turned and saw him walking away from me, seeing him head towards Jeremiah instead. Of course Tucker always said just the right thing to sweet his way back into my bedroom and snuggle up with me at night.

I woke up today with Tucker gone and me alone in my bed. I shouldn't let it bother me too much, but it did. Today was my second
Nutcracker
rehearsal. Jasmine stayed out of my way during practice, but that didn't stop her in the hallway and after school when Tucker was late walking me home. She would continue on with the shove of her shoulder against mine or sneer at me while walking by. Jasmine never brought Tucker up around me. I still think that it was a little nasty about Ethan and Tucker sharing her. I tried not to think about it, because it just made me angry—that Tucker's hands had been on her intimately. I mostly thought about if Tucker's lips were on hers like he did to mine. If he made her feel the way he did to me.

Ugh! Not now.

It was one day from our first show. I was more excited than nervous. My dad called to let me know that he and Carol will be coming to the show, and would be there right on the dot. Tucker also told me that he would be there with Jade, Rachel, and Jett. Brad didn't promise me anything and just said if he could, he would be there. Practice came and went. Now I sat in my dressing room with my hair and makeup being done. Sparkles covered my entire face and my white tutu and corset outfit laced in gold was perfect as ever.

When the red curtain went up, you could see the little girl and her cute little Nutcracker doll, and then the scene came alive with all the little laughing kids. This was the first time I even saw the kids. I knew they had their own practice room so that we could concentrate on our own scenes. When it was time for my entrance, the bright light on me pierced my eyes. I kept my head up high and simply smiled throughout my scene, moving across the stage with ease, just like I practiced.

Madame Ava came up to me when I was done. "Abigail, I think you could have done better than that. Don't you think?"

What?

"Madame Ava, I believe I did okay. Better than okay, I thought," I stuttered at her.

She arched a brow at me. "What did you say to me, Abigail?"

I let out a breath while my stomach turned in knots, making it feel like a brick was sitting in there. "Nothing, Madame Ava." And my head dropped to the ground. She walked away without another word.

I changed in my dressing room and went to go meet my dad and Carol in the after room where parents congratulated their sons and daughters. When I walked into the room, Alex was standing next to Carol, having a glass of champagne with her and laughing. My first thought was, "Where's Tucker?" I quickly searched the room for him. If he found out Alex was here, he was gonna flip. I spotted him in the dark corner with Jade and Jett talking to him. Tucker's eyes were set on Alex's back, glaring daggers. I hope that Jett was trying to talk Tucker into doing nothing stupid.

As I approached my dad and gave him a kiss on his cheek, he said, "Angel, you were magnificent."

"Yes, Abigail, you did wonderful," Carol said to me. Alex took me in his arms unexpectedly and gave me a hug that took my feet off the ground.

"Abigail, you were absolutely beautiful." Then Alex kissed my cheek.

"Can you put me down, please?" He gave me one last squeeze that caused me to lose breath for a second. Once my feet landed, Tucker was at my side and grabbed a hold of my hand. I kissed his cheek and smiled, but that didn't stop his dirty looks to Alex.

"Tucker, good to see you again," my dad addressed while holding his hand out.

"Hello, sir." Tucker shook his hand.

I quickly turned to Tucker. "Ready to go?" He didn't look at me, still staring down Alex. But Alex found it amusing and chuckled softly to himself while taking a sip of his drink.

I yanked on his hand. "Tucker?" That did the trick and he finally looked at me. "Ready to go?" I asked again and he nodded. I swiftly pulled him from the room with Jade, Rachel, and Jett behind us.

Back at our apartment, Tucker exploded. "God! I can't stand that he was there. I can't stand him period!" Tucker paced out on our balcony while he smoked angrily, puffing smoke out all over the place and walking into it. I stubbed mine out and tried to go into his arms, but he pushed past me. I didn't like this side of Tucker that started coming out.

"Tucker, just stop."

"No! I'm not gonna stop. I don't like him, I don't like the way he looks at you or holds you. Touches you!"

"I get that, Tucker, and I told you that I didn't want him. I want you."

That did it. He stopped and engulfed me in his arms like I would disappear from him, and all that was going on stopped and we just lost each other in our tight embrace.