The Codex: An Angel's Guide To Seducing A Human
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Authors: Joe Duck
The Codex
An Angel's Guide To Seducing A Human
By Joe Duck
© 2015 Joe Duck
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the author
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Table Of Contents
Narius
No matter how hard I pushed with my hands or flapped my wings, I couldn't pull my butt out of the mud. Instead, the wet dirt sucked at my heavy armor, and I sank further into the muck.
I twisted and reached for the roots of an ancient oak tree, only to have them tease my fingertips. Panting, I paused to catch my breath and glanced at the Codex. The blue book, attached to the chain of my belt, was already drowning in the ever swallowing mud. I grasped her leather cover and pulled her out from the sludge.
How... how did this happen?
I asked.
The Codex whispered inside my head,
Well, Narius, when an angel descends from the heavens and meets a storm... the angel loses. Badly.
What... what should we do?
Nothing. We're screwed, but not in the pleasant way.
I growled and pushed again with all my strength, but my legs plunged deeper into the brown ooze instead. "No!"
A twig snapped.
I lifted my head at the sound, and found a human girl standing before me, gawking at me like I had grown an extra pair of wings.
Well, we should ask her for help. I'm sure she'll help out a handsome angel in distress,
the Codex said.
I stared at the human, her long black hair fluttering in the breeze.
I don't trust her. She doesn't have any wings.
Of course she doesn't, you idiot. She's a human. Remember where we are!
The girl stood motionless. She tightened her grip on her wooden staff, topped with a sky-blue crystal orb that matched the color of her eyes.
We stared at one another in increasingly uncomfortable silence.
Don't just ogle her. Open your mouth. Speak!
I scratched my head, smearing the cool, pasty mud into my hair. Unsure on how I should talk to a human, I wiped my hands on my cuirass, cracked open the Codex, and leafed through her pages to the section on human interaction.
Following one of the odd rituals of human greeting recorded within, I smiled, thrust my hand into the sky, and waved like a flower being tickled by the wind.
"Don't be shy," I cooed, reciting what humans in books said to one another in times of need. "I am not going to hurt you. I just want to play. Come closer. I'll give you a candy."
"Ha!" The girl snorted. "Really? Candy?"
My brows knitted together, and I lowered my hand.
Why is she laughing?
No, she thinks you're a pedophile.
Pedophile?
A man who loves children.
Before I could ask why anyone would laugh at such a nice man, the human took a deep breath. "So, what are you doing here?" she asked, resting her chin on the orb of her staff.
I pointed at my buttocks, where the armor had fused itself with the sticky earth and refused to let go. "Help."
The girl tilted her head. "Couldn't you just take your armor off?"
"No?" I glanced at the Codex, shocked.
Hold on a second. Why didn't we think of this?
The Codex coughed.
I knew that. I knew that all along. I was... umm... I knew that you would be saved by an extremely helpful damsel.
The human closed her eyes and sighed. "Right. Let's get you out the hard way." She muttered a few words and waved her staff. Following her motion, the ground around me grew cold, and the mud transformed into frozen dirt.
She stepped onto the ice and, without slipping, grabbed my hand and heaved.
After a few tugs, the brittle ice cracked, and with it, I burst free and landed on top of the frozen dirt.
Relieved to be on solid ground again, I got to my feet and stretched my wings. "Thank you."
"No problem. So what happened?"
I avoided her questioning gaze and studied the large frozen hole, now slowly thawing in the summer sun. "I... I don't know what you are talking about." I coughed into my hand then glanced at her, wondering if she believed my clever lie.
The human narrowed her eyes. "Right... so you purposely buried yourself for a nice mud bath. By the way, where's your halo? Or did you bury that somewhere as well?"
"Only archangels have halos," I said, scanning the forest to get my bearings.
Now, I just need to find the Grimoire and purify it so I can return home.
The girl waved her hand. "Anyway, enough small talk. What do I get?"
"I need to give you something?"
"Well, I did free you. How about a wish?"
I frowned. "A wish? I am not a djinn."
"How about a pot of gold?"
"Do I look like a leprechaun?"
She took a step towards me, smiling, and placed the orb of her staff against my armor. "So, a tall, handsome angel like you can't give me anything? Maybe a lock of your chestnut hair for me to remember you by?"
The Codex shook against my armor, shaking off a bit of the mud.
Lock of your hair? I think not. You should oblige her by dropping your pants so she can collect a few strands from there instead.
What? No. I'm not going to give her anything.
I pushed the Codex out of my mind and took a step back. "Why? Is it for a dark ritual?"
The girl smiled and put her hands behind her back. "I'm kidding. What am I going to do with your hair anyway? Make a doll? Besides, you're here to deal with the dragon harassing the village nearby, right? I've never seen a dragon before, and, well, I could use a little bit of help."
I tilted my head. "What dragon?"
"Pannaxx? The blue dragon. Two wings, shoots fire from his mouth? He's been terrorizing a village not far from here."
"That's not my problem."
She blinked in surprise. "But you're an angel. Isn't it your duty to help us?"
"Go find one of Lord Arudi's flock." I pointed at the Codex, the symbol of our flock. "I am Narius. Servant of Lord Halfaya, Keeper of all Knowledge and Time. Order is not my Lord's responsibility."
The girl gave me a blank look.
Figuring she needed another explanation, I explained. "Lord Halfaya himself gave me a mission, and the Codex specifically said our mission must come before humans."
I did?
the book asked.
Shh... she probably wants my organs. Don't you remember what the archangel said about humans wanting to take advantage of me? If we pretend we don't care, we might be able to get away. Then we can see how we can help the village.
The girl planted her staff into the ground and glared. "Well, your stupid book is wrong."
I wagged my finger. "The Codex is never wrong. The book contains only the absolute truth."
The human tapped her foot on the ground. "Prove it."
Ready to impress, I cleared my throat and recited my favorite passage about her race. "From ancient times, whenever humans attempted to climb mountains or trees, they were snatched away by giant sparrows to be fed to their young. Though various crusades tried to eradicate—"
"You're being serious, right?"
"Yes. Why?"
The girl raised her hand to the sky and made a swooping motion. "Oh, look! A 'giant sparrow.' No! Don't try to climb that tree. They will get you for sure!"
I rubbed the back of my head, feeling like I had missed something. Still, I puffed out my chest to look confident. "Good! You finally understand the wisdom—"
She placed the palm of her hand against her face and closed her eyes. "You think I'm serious? Are you
that
stupid?"
"Wait, what?"
She called you stupid.
"I called you stupid," the human repeated.
"I... I know that!"
Are you sure? We can take a test.
I shook my head and silenced the Codex. "No! I won't be confused by a child."
She laughed and poked my chest. "Really? Do I look like a child? Are you sure you are an angel of knowledge?"
Huffing in frustration, I opened the Codex's leather cover once again. The pages flipped themselves until I arrived at the section that showed pictures of humans and their growth span. I compared them to the girl in front of me. To my delight, she was far from being mature despite being only a little shorter than me. Armed with this new knowledge, I smiled. "I knew it. You might look as old as me, but you are just a child who has yet to blossom into an adult."
Actually, Narius, that's not really the case here. You are reading me wrong. She's just—
The girl raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean? I'm nineteen years old."
I laughed at her futile attempt at deception, and to prove my point, I flipped the Codex and showed her the page with the illustration of the naked, mature females of her race.
The girl turned crimson as she accepted the truth.
"Haha! So you see, you are just a child who is ridiculously tall—"
She grabbed the page, ripped it out, and shredded it.
The Codex screeched, and for several heartbeats I squirmed at the horrific sound of her pain.
"You're wrong!" Emily placed her hand upon her chest. "It's about how mature you're on the inside."
I slammed the Codex shut and wrapped my arms around the book to protect her. "Apologize to her!"
The human folded her arms and scowled. "Right, because I'm that stupid. Apologizing to a book."
Is it stupid?
I asked.
No, she is lying through her teeth. Now, give me back my page!
How?
Talk to her, convince her, use her! You know what the others will say if they see me without a page.
I thought about it for a moment and, finding no fault with it, nodded. "Human girl."
She glared at me. "My name is Emily, not 'human girl,'" she said, her hands clenched tight and seemingly irritated by my accurate classification of her race and gender.
"All right, 'Emily.' Since you ripped the text, why don't you go stand under that tree so I can get a bit of a measurement and background before I draw you?"
"Draw me? I don't think so, pervert."
The Codex shook against my side.
Give her something she wants, and see if that will get her moving.
Give? But what can I give her?
You could give her your body. Let her be the first one to taste you.
Unsure why anyone would want to taste me, I rubbed my chin and thought about what the human would want. After a few moments, a brilliant idea came to mind. "Emily, if you pose under that tree, I promise I'll help you deal with the dragon."
Wait, are you sure this is a good idea? Dragons aren't a joke.
How bad can it be?
Well, you could end up roasted like a headless chicken.
Emily tapped her foot against the ground and squinted. "You know what? I'm not too sure I need your help." She glanced up and down at me and smirked. "Really. Now that I think about it, you couldn't even get out of a muddy puddle."
I winced and studied the towering old trees around us. "I was merely exhausted from the flight when I fell. If... if I had my full strength, I would have easily gotten out by myself and been on my way to search for the Grimoire."
"What? What's a Grimoire?"
I tilted my head. "A demonic book. I thought everyone knew that."
"Maybe angels do. Anyway, are you going to fight a demon over it?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I am an angel, not an archangel. Now, about that tree..."
Emily eyed me with suspicion. "No. Why should I trust an angel who carries around a blue book filled with pictures of naked people?"
I stroked the Codex and grinned as she purred. "Because, when we make promises, we are bound by the Codex to carry them out. So we can't just abandon them the way humans would."
"Really? Interesting. Hmm… I suppose you can come—"
Before she got ahead of herself, I raised my index finger. "But first I need to draw a picture to replace the page you destroyed. It's very important to her. She likes to show off to the other books, but without pictures it doesn't count."
Emily scratched behind her ear and sighed. "All right. You just want me to stand under that tree, right? Anything else?"
Ask her to strip off her clothes. We need to draw her as natural as we can.
I parroted the Codex's wise words. "Yes. Could you strip off your clothes?"
Emily growled. "No."
Unsure why she would refuse, I explained my noble intentions. "Listen, I need you to take them off. It won't take long. I am very quick."
She thrust her staff towards me, the blue orb glowing brightly. "Keep talking like that, and I'll turn you into a snow angel."
Snow angel?
An image of an angel made of snow flashed into my mind. Confused by her odd reaction, I added the magic word that humans used. "Please."
"No."
Impossible. I thought all humans were bound by that word
. "Then where can I find a naked human in the woods?"