Juilliard or Else (35 page)

"I have to go, Daddy."

His grip grew a little tighter on my arms. "No, you're not going anywhere. Come with me." I tried not to; I wanted Tucker. I wanted his arms around my waist and I wanted his lips against mine. I desired Tucker. I ached for him and Carol hurt him. Why couldn't Carol just accept the fact he was the man I loved and wanted to be with.

My dad guided me to his study, forcing me to sit down on the leather sofa that faced his desk. Alex wasn't in the room; I was sure he was with Carol, plotting out their next move against me. Deep down I was so afraid they were going to win and make Tucker stay away. Then I'd be as unhappy as Carol and be rotten to my own daughter. The thought of turning into Carol made a huge knot in my stomach. It was the acid forming, ready to come up. It took everything I had to keep it down. I focused on my breathing like Tucker taught me.

"Tell me what happened." I opened my eyes to see my dad leaning against the front of his desk with his arms folded.

I recapped what happened in the dining room –how I thought it was so unfair for Carol to do something like this to me. I explained how Tucker didn't bring me down, and how much I loved to be with him. I was sobbing in my hands when my dad came to sit next to me and he let me cry on his shoulder. He held me for some time before he spoke again.

"Tucker doesn't understand our world, Abigail. He comes from a background that doesn't make any sense to Carol. Yes, she did live it once when I first met her. I think she regrets going down that path more than anything, being with someone who treated her so badly – and it makes her that strict with you. I know it doesn't make any sense now, but wait until you have a daughter of your own and she might just go down that same path Carol went down – that same path you are heading down right now. You are nineteen years old; you can't be in love already, especially with the first boyfriend you've ever had, and I can tell you that I was shocked when I saw him standing here with you today. You guys act like you've been together for a couple of years, not a couple of months. Take your time in this world and find out who you are first, date around, concentrate on your ballet. I know how much that means to you. I know you wouldn't trade that for anything."

I looked up at my dad and took in his advice. He knows all about advice – I mean, he's a lawyer and gives it all the time to his clients. But is it worth it to take it and leave Tucker behind?

I walked home in a daze. I half expected to see Tucker when I came out of my parents' house waiting for me on the street, cooling off, but he wasn't. The November air was cold as I continued my walk home. Every once in a while, I would kick at the imaginary rock lying on the sidewalk as I scuffed my heel. I was only wearing my dress, with no panties I might add. I was cold from the wind.

My dad's words hit me hard as I kept rethinking what he said. Focusing on my ballet was the number one thing on my list. I went to the concert with Tucker, got drunk for the first time, and didn't get the main part in
Swan Lake
. I was paying for it by being an understudy for Jasmine. I didn't want to be the understudy every time I tried out for a part, and I wanted that main part with every show, not to be the girl on the side.

I was still in a daze when I walked into my apartment. Jade and Rachel were gone to their parents' houses and wouldn't be back for a couple of days. With the place being so empty, it would give me time to sulk in misery. My phone rang as I plugged it in the charger and I made my way into the bathroom to shower. I knew the ringtone; it would be forever burned into my memory. I knew I needed to think about what my dad said. He was right; Tucker grew up in a completely different world than I did. My phone rang two more times, and then silence left me all alone in the shower, leaving me to wash away the sins of my body that I committed in my parents' piano room. I really hated to think of it as a sin.

Even though I loved Tucker's hands on my body, deep down my dad's advice echoed in my head. I started to cry in the shower as I heard his ringtone go off again. He was looking for me. He probably already knew that I was home, but I couldn't go to him – not now – just a little peace of mind was all I needed. I scrubbed my skin until it felt raw, then I dragged my legs to bed and I quickly fell asleep.

My wonderful sleep didn't last long because of the loud banging on my front door. My phone rang throughout the night; his ringtone was starting to out
ring
my dad's choice of words. I ended up turning my phone off. Why? I had no clue. I was crazy for pushing Tucker away like this. I just wanted him, only him, but something was stopping me.

But those words, my dad's words. "You are nineteen years old; you can't be in love already. Take your time in this world and find out who you are first, date around, concentrate on your ballet. I know how much that means to you."

My ballet did mean so much to me. I wanted it badly, just as much as Tucker. I shut my tired eyes to have sleep claim over me once again. I didn't move for three days, not getting up unless to pee, which wasn't often since I wasn't eating or drinking anything. December first was next week and now that
Swan Lake
was over, we had auditions for
The Nutcracker
coming up. I wanted a Sugar Plum Fairy spot more than anything. As I dreamed of the beautiful moves of the ballet dancer to the soft happy music, I fell asleep again.

I felt my bed dip down and small hands rubbed my back. I slowly woke up and I already knew just by the hands that they were Jade's. Tucker probably called Jett, who called Jade – probably going through the line of our friends.

"Gabs, you okay?"

"I'm fine. Could you just go away?"

"Yeah, I'll go. But just so you know, Tucker is in the living room…wants to talk with you."

I shut my eyes so tight, they watered. "Just tell him to go, Jade. I'll call him later."

She sighed, "I'm doing this just once. Next time, you have to do it. I'm not getting in the middle."

I heard Jade's footsteps fade down the hallway and that's when the screaming started.

"GABS! Get out here right now!" Tucker yelled. I pulled a pillow over my head, trying to drown out his voice. Again, why was I hiding? Why was I pushing him away? I should be reassuring that we could work.

"Gabs!" He was right outside my door. I pulled the comforter up and over my pillow with my head still underneath it.

Coward.

Knocking on my door, he begged, "Gabs, what did I do? You've got to talk to me."

Gah, he didn't do anything! It's me! So tell him that, dummy.

"Just go away, Tucker!" I yelled through my layers of fabric, hoping he heard me. Instead, I heard my door open, then my blanket was ripped off me. The cold air hit my body like a bunch of hail hitting my skin, next was my pillow, and then I met very angry Tucker eyes.

"What the hell?" he asked.

I tried to rotate my body away from him. I couldn't look at him, but he grabbed my wrist and kept me in one place. I tried wrenching my arm back, but he wouldn't let me go. "Let go."

"No, not until you tell me what the hell is up. Was it that guy, Alex? Did he say something to you about us? Did he give you doubt? Does he want you?"

Tucker's words hurt me. It had nothing to do with Alex. I didn't like him. I didn't want him. End of story.

When I didn't answer, he got angry. "Do you want him?" he growled.

"What? NO!" I screamed sitting up. "How can you say something like that?"

"I don't know, you're not even talking to me. What did I do?" Tucker took hold of my shoulders to give a light shake.

"You're getting mad at me for not talking?" I scoffed. "You don't talk to me! You don't tell me anything about what you do or where you go when you're with Brad. Do I pester you about it? No! I mind my own business. So, you didn't do anything, Tucker. My dad just talked with me and I was just thinking."

His eyes softened but not much. "Thinking? Thinking about being with Alex? About dumping me for him?"

"No!"

"You'd rather have his body on top of yours? His hands touching you like mine do? Would you rather have his dic…" And that's the first time I'd ever smacked anyone before.

My hand stung and Tucker didn't look at me, but his face was turned away, and his lips were pressed together in a hard line, my hand print already showing up on his cheek. But when he finally did look back at me, his eyes were filled of pure hate and anger; it was something I hadn't seen in Tucker, yet. His pupils were dark like a storm just clouded over.

I pointed at him. "You do
not
get to talk to me that way. I already have to deal with Carol's smartass bullshit remarks, but you do not get to say things like that to me. Ever!"

Tucker backed away from me, finally letting me go. Could you blame him? I just smacked him. But he did not get to talk to me like that. I expected it from Carol, but not from him. We stared at each other as he walked back and out of my sight. I let out a choked sob as soon as I heard the front door slam shut and I collapsed into my bed again.

I didn't hear from Tucker. On the nights I was alone, I laid on the couch, crying. Flipping through Rachel's stack of chick flick movies, I put in the heartbreaking
Titanic
movie. I loved it. The classical music and the love that Rose had for Jack killed my insides, reminding me of Tucker and me in the same situation. I cried more when Jack died and Rose was left alone, but making a promise to live and fulfill her dreams without him. I rubbed my tattoo of my gorgeous ballet slippers and scriptwriting of the one school I wanted more than anything.

It had been a week since I'd smacked Tucker. I was so concentrated on working with Madame Ava and my Sugar Fairy Routine. I paid more attention in class and to Madame Ava's every word. I stayed later than everyone after class was over. Jon was my lift partner in a couple of scenes for another part. I was walking out of my practice room when Jon came up to me.

"Hey Abigail. I was wondering if you have a ride home."

"I actually don't live too far from here, so I'll just walk," I said, slinging my ballet bag over my shoulder. "Thanks though." I smiled, walking around him, then collided with Jasmine instead.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, McCall? Tucker dumped you and now you want Jon? You sure do get around."

My brows shot up. "What are you talking about?"

Jasmine's brown irises were nothing but mean as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Ethan told me Tucker dumped your ass."

I let out a little laugh, "Ha, don't believe everything Ethan tells you." I turned and walked away, but that didn't stop Jasmine from pushing me once my back was turned. I lost my balance by getting tangled up in my baggy sweats, landing hard on my hands and knees. I picked myself up pretty fast before she could do anything else humiliating to me. I turned to go after her, but someone held my ballet strap that was still attached to my arm.

"You've got some nerve, Jas," Tucker said as he came up from behind me. How long had he been here?

Jasmine took a couple of steps away from me. "Tucker, she was being quite rude to me. Again I might add that you have a poor choice in girls. "

He walked past me, past Jon and stood right in front of Jasmine. "You don't touch her, you don't look at her, and you don't go near her. You understand me?" Tucker growled at her. She shrieked back away from him.

"Yeah, got it."

He pointed at her. "You remember that when your
mom
wants to contact me or Ethan. Got it?"

She nodded her head so fast that her hair started to come loose.

Tucker didn't even give a sort of glance as he turned and left me in the hallway, which was the last time I saw Tucker for a while.