Juilliard or Else (47 page)

Me: Hey Tucker, I'm at the doctors on 5
th
ave. Didn't know if you got my text earlier. Abigail.

Why did I put my name under it? Maybe he was done with me and no longer had my number, I thought to myself. Jade gasped and I looked at her from where I was sitting on the tall exam table with the noisy paper that crinkled with every move I made.

"What?" I asked

She turned the magazine for me to see a cute little baby boy sleeping in a pile of fluffy blankets wearing a cute little knitted hat. "This baby is so cute, have that one."

I giggled, "I don't think that's how that works Jade. My baby will look nothing like that." I stopped my words. My baby. I did say my baby as if Tucker didn't have a say if he even wanted to be in this child's life. I choked on a sob as reality hit me again about being alone with a newborn.

"Gabs, I didn't mean..." Jade started to get up to come to my aid, but there was a knock at the door and in walked in my doctor. She was very pretty and skinny, with her blonde hair pulled back into a low pony tail and green surgical scrubs. She sat at the computer and flipped through my chart.

"Abigail," She met my eyes. "I'm Dr. Shaw. How are you feeling so far?"

I nodded a little bit and wiped the corner of my stinging eyes. "Fine."

"Any morning sickness?"

"Some; nothing I can't handle though." I sniffed.

Dr. Shaw wrote that down. "You're under weight for your age. Are you eating enough?"

"Well, I'm a…well…I
was
a ballet dancer."

"Oh, I see. Keeping fit then." She wrote that down as well. "Your blood pressure is low as well. So, we will start you on prenatal vitamins as soon as you leave here. Some women get sick in the mornings while they take them mixed with the morning sickness. If you get sick in the morning while taking them, just take them at night."

I nodded at her.

"Do you know how far along you are?"

"Umm...I think around ten weeks or so. That's what the app on my phone told me. I'm not quite sure even when it happened."

"Is the father involved with you as support?"

I glanced at Jade, who shrugged. I looked back at Dr. Shaw. "I'm not sure. He's knows about the baby, but we are fighting right now. So I don't really know.

She wrote that down. Is she going write down everything I tell her? She should just take down my social and credit card number and she's golden. Dr. Shaw stood, "I'll be right back." Then she left the room, she wasn't gone for very long. She pulled in a giant machine with a computer monitor attached to it.

"Do you want to come over on the other side of the table?" Dr. Shaw asked Jade, who was completely silent as she made her way around to the other side of the exam table. "Abigail, please lie down and lift your shirt. This is just an ultrasound. We are going to look at the baby, make sure the dates line up, and figure out when your due date is."

I laid back, "Okay." Pulling my shirt up. I reached for Jade's hand as the Doctor shut the lights off and booted up the machine. It hummed for a minute and then the screen flickered to life.

"This might be a little cold. It's just jelly to help get a better look at the baby.

I was still as she squirts the cold jelly on my stomach and placed a small little device on top of the jelly, smearing it all over. I watched the screen, which didn't make any sense to me. It was black, then gray, and then something that looked like a black balloon with a white dot in the middle. Dr. Shaw clicked a couple of times on the keyboard and I saw the little white dot flicker a little and then a tiny sound echoed in the room. It sounded like a train with the way it sounded, choo, choo, choo, choo. Not stopping.

"That noise is the baby's heart beat and this flicker here," She pointed to the white dot with the flicker, "That's the heart beating. Very strong."

My eye's misted over and Jade squeezed my hand tighter. Dr. Shaw moved the device around on my belly some more then froze the screen again with a click of a button and that's when I first saw my baby very clear. The profile of its little body was perfect.

"It looks like a gummy bear," Jade whispered. I choked out a loud weep and covered my mouth as my tears spilled over and drifted into my hair. The heart beat sounded the room again and more tears cascaded down. Jade bent down and kissed my forehead, trying to calm me. She knew how heartbroken I am over this whole mess between Tucker and I. Hearing and seeing the baby just made me feel worse. I heard a sound like something was printing. I shut my eyes, to try to cool myself and the pressure from the device left my belly and the light turned on, flooding the room with light again and Dr. Shaw wiped up the mess on my stomach.

"Okay Abigail, all done. You can sit up now." Jade helped me sit up as I pulled my shirt down to cover my stomach. Jade stayed behind me and Dr. Shaw handed me a box of tissues.

"Can I ask what's made you cry?" I looked up at the doctor, whose eyes were filled with sorrow and my words just came flooding out.

"The baby is real. It's inside me, just…just...there." and I broke down. Jade came over and held onto me while I cried into her shoulder. I heard my little baby's heartbeat. It was so real, so perfect and so real. I started to laugh and sat back up. Now I was laughing? I was laughing, I felt happy. I heard my baby's heartbeat, that made me happy.

Dr. Shaw was right in front of me on the swivel chair; she softly placed a hand on my knee. "Abigail. I just wanted to go over some things with you about your baby. Feel a little better?"

I nodded, "Yes." And wiped my nose again. Grabbing my snowflake necklace and holding onto it while Dr. Shaw continued on.

"Good. Your baby is perfectly healthy and has a strong heartbeat. Take this prescription and get it filled for the prenatal vitamins. You due date is August eighth, which puts you at fourteen weeks, and the baby was conceived on November fifteenth or sixteenth. My nurse is going to take some blood from you, just to make sure you're healthy and for our records. Make sure you get you schedule to come back and see me in five weeks. Okay?"

Dr. Shaw handed me the prescription and little sonogram picture of my little gummy bear. "Yes ma'am." And then my nice lady doctor left. The nurse did a great job at taking my blood; one shot and she filled up six vials of my blood.

"What are you testing for?"

"We call it an OBP Panel. It's going to check your white cell count, along with blood type for our files, as well as a STD panel."

"STD? but...I've only been with one person."

"I'm sure you have nothing to worry about honey. It's just for our records to know that you're safe. We do it with all our patients."

The nurse wrapped my arm up and left the room. I looked at wide eyed Jade.

"Let's get out of this joint before I puke," she said, leaving the room without me.

On our way out, Jade pushed the button for the elevator and I remembered the day that the baby was conceived. "I know when I got pregnant." I announced to Jade.

"When?"

"The doctor said November fifteenth or sixteenth. That's the night I lost my virginity to Tucker, because the week after that, we went to my parents for Thanksgiving."

"All it takes is one time. I told you to wrap it."

I was silent the entire way home. Jade was of course probably texting Jett, her fingers moving a hundred miles an hour on that thing. I checked my phone once more for a text, nothing. I was starting to piss me off the longer Tucker ignored me. But maybe he was the kind of guy that would jump at the first chance he had about having a baby. A baby was a big deal. I remember that night I lost my virginity to Tucker, and then I came home to Jade and told her we didn't use a condom. I freaked about getting pregnant and we were careful ever since, but like what Jade said, all it takes is one time.

I tossed my jacket, keys and my phone on the kitchen counter. "I'm gonna go lay down for a little bit." I collapsed on my bed, feeling tired and so frustrated with Tucker, it was starting to give me a headache the more I thought about it. Jade kicked her boots off and climbed up next to me.

I laid on my bed and stared a long time at my little baby picture. Jade was asleep next to me. She couldn't really sleep in her room alone anymore. There were nights when she would wake me up with her cries and call out Rachel's name. Losing Rachel was hard, especially on Jade. She was lost without her. I heard a soft knock on the door of the apartment. I left the bed as quietly as I could so Jade wouldn't wake up. I had butterflies in my stomach with each step I walked towards my front door. I had a feeling about who would be on the other side. Hoping it would be the only other person that mattered to me in life, the one person who created this baby with me. My heart ached inside and out for Tucker to be with me at the doctors. Have him be there to hold my hand, kiss my forehead, and to cry with me as the little heartbeat echo through the exam room.

Taking a deep breath, I twisted the door knob and pulled it open to see Alex standing there on the other side. Looking clean pressed as always in his gray tailored suit, white shirt and black tie.

"Oh. Hey Alex." I greeted him as my stomach dropped in disappointment. The thought kept resurfacing in my head that Tucker is really gone this time.

"Can I come in? I want to talk with you." I didn't really feel like fighting him off right now. I stepped aside and Alex made his way into my apartment.

"I'll be right back, take a seat." I brushed past him to go to my room and closed the door. Jade would flip her lid if she found out Alex was here. She always had to remind me about him being a tight wad. I came back out into the living to see Alex standing where Tucker usually stands at the front windows staring out over Central Park.

I made my way over to the couch, "So what's up Alex?" He slowly turned towards me.

"I wanted to talk to you about my proposal. Have you given it any thought about it?" He walked over to the empty spot next to me and sat down.

I shook my head, "I'm sorry. I haven't thought about it very much to be honest. Still trying to work some things out, I guess."

"Has he even been around lately?" I knew where he was trying to get at with this small talk, something Carol would do too. Just use it against me and when I'm not expecting it, throw it back in my face.

"No, it doesn't really matter though. I'm gonna raise this baby, even if I have to do it by myself." I pulled the little throw blanket over my lap and played with the edges, waiting for time to pass slowly until he would leave.

"I was really young when I graduated early from college." I looked up at Alex's side profile of his perfect features that screamed GQ magazine. "People told me that I was going to be a big hot shot lawyer someday if I kept it up. I never believed them. My father pushed and pushed me into things I didn't want to do. He pushed me into law school, he pushed me to graduate early, and he pushed me into working for the top law firm for the city, which turned out to be your dad. David has been nothing but respectful to me. He talked about you a little bit, about attending Juilliard, about the way you danced across a ballet room."

My eyes started to water and the mention of my dad talking about me. I wanted to reach out to Alex for telling me these things. My heart started to break with the feeling; I wanted to hug him for some reason. And when he looked at me, his blue eyes were filled with hope.

"That first night I met you, firm dinner. You looked so gorgeous in that purple dress and your hair was perfect, you looked like an angel. There was this calming effect you had over me," He let a big breath out and shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was saying to me. "I've never felt like that before, all the stress from my father about everything, and then you came into the limo." He slid closer to me on the couch and looked me directly in the eyes. "I couldn't stop staring at you, your beautiful eyes. I just wanted to touch you, even if it was just a brush of your hand."

Now Alex's knee was brushing mine and his body shifted closer to me. "You are still so beautiful. You're perfect in every way, especially when you dance across stage on your toes."

My eyes started to sting and my body started to shake at how emotional I was getting. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

Alex leaning in closer, "I know that you don't love me and we barley know each other. But I'm hoping that you would give us a shot. Please don't tell me that I've lost you when I never had a chance at getting you." Alex whispered across my cheek. Our faces were so close all I had to do was turn my head and our lips would touch. Tears slipped out the corner of my eyes and down my cheek. Alex's hands brushed them away and turned my head towards his and he tenderly kissed my lips.

At first, I didn't kiss him back and he pulled away, whispering to me again.

"Please Abigail, give me a chance."

And this time, I pushed back to his mouth. His lips weren't as soft as Tucker's, more firm to the touch. It was nice to be touched, to be kissed again. That feeling that has been lost to me. Both of his hands cupped my face as his lips moved softly against mine. I moved my hands to his wrists and let Alex kiss me. When I felt his tongue touch my lips, I opened my mouth and let our tongues touch for the first time. There was no spark to this kiss, no electricity like when Tucker would kiss me. Is that what my life would be like if I married Alex? I continued on kissing Alex back, but I felt like I was searching for that magical spark that ignited my body up in flames like Tucker's kisses did to me. I dived deeper and deeper into Alex's mouth, still trying to find that one thing that made my body crumble to the ground.