Jaded (The Butterfly Memoirs) (29 page)

Of course I realized she’d starting losing weight, but it didn’t stand out as a warning because her weight fluctuated since she got ill. I made sure she ate healthy by bringing her dinner every day and monitoring her eating habits.

I should have continued going to her appointments. After chemotherapy treatments stopped, she insisted I stop taking time off of work to accompany her. When I asked how the appointments went, she always said they were okay.

Six months. That’s what her doctor told me; she’d known she was dying for six months.

That was about the time she started pushing me to find another woman to have in my life. Marriage, kids, family. Those were the things she talked about nearly every time I came over. Had that been her way of telling me to move on?

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense she pushed me in Yasmine’s direction.

Yasmine…the woman who was now my wife. The woman who kept the most important information from me.

Didn’t she know how much I loved her? How could she allow my mother to talk her into keeping her health a secret?

When had she known? Before or after she moved in?

Then it dawned on me. The night I proposed. Before leaving the house, we planned to marry in six months. Then, we found my mother on the bathroom floor. At the hospital I left the two of them together and when I came back they were crying. The next day, Yasmine decided to push the timetable to six weeks instead of six months.

Finished with the water, I wished for something stronger. Beer would have been great. I threw the empty plastic across the garage into the recyclable box.

Yasmine knew for weeks my mother was dying and didn’t tell me. I could have used that time to ask all the questions I never asked. To find out more about my father, get to know her better.

Hell…simply be there for her.

And damn, she’d spent her last weeks of her life with Yasmine because I was working to please her.

How could the woman who said she loved me not know how much it would have meant to be with my mother before she died? She knew how I felt about losing my father.

Instead we’d gone to Las Vegas and she selfishly took advantage of our time there while my mother sat home alone dying.

If Yasmine knew me the way I knew her, or at least thought I did, she would have told me what was going on.

How could I ever trust her again? As much as Melissa had hurt me, at least she’d been honest about her feelings. Yasmine, on the other hand, made me wonder. Why was she still here? What did she want from me?

We needed to talk.

I turned on my cell. There were a ton of missed calls and several text messages from her. I deleted the voicemails, unable to listen to her voice, but read the messages. Yeah, we were definitely going to talk.

In the morning.

The start of a new day would give me a chance to calm enough to approach her without as much anger. The pain I felt would never go away.

I didn’t send a reply and shut the phone off.

Chapter 38

For the first time in years, my condo felt foreign.

I walked past the bowl where I normally tossed my keys and instead put them in my pocket. I didn’t bother to ring the doorbell or call Yasmine’s name.

She was sitting on the living room floor. Her back was to me and ear buds were in her ears. The remnants of empty boxes sat in front of the window. A glance around showed where some of her belongings had found a home.

None of that stuff mattered. There was only one reason why I returned.

Yasmine stood and tossed an empty box next to the others. She wore the same clothes I took off of her last night when we made love.

Before the shit hit the fan.

I didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything, so I waited for her to see me.

“Zack!” She clasped her chest and snatched the ear buds out. “You scared me.” She fumbled with the iPod, took it off, and tossed it onto the coffee table. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long.”

I studied her; she looked as bad as I felt. Dark circles were under red and puffy grey eyes. There was no doubt as to what she’d done after I left. My frustration was taken out on a punching bag while she spent the night crying. I glanced around. And unpacking.

“Have you eaten?” She broke the stare and walked past me to the kitchen.

The smell of last night’s chili remained in the air.

“It’s too early for dinner food. How about I make us some breakfast? Eggs, bacon…would you like coffee?” Her laugh was forced. “You don’t like coffee. Juice, we’ve got orange, grape…”

“I didn’t come here to eat.”

She glanced around the room. “You’re not staying?”

“I came because we need to talk. I’ve got questions I need answered. I need the truth.” I forced my feet to carry me to the kitchen island and stood, placing both hands on the counter.

“Zack, I’ve never lied to you.” She shifted to stand across from me.

“Not telling me my mother was dying was a lie.”

“No, it wasn’t. It was failure by omission and bad judgment on my part. If you had asked me if I knew what was going on with your mother’s health, I would have told you. It never came up, Zack, never.”

“Because you had me thinking of nothing else but the wedding!”

“Oh God, that is not true! How many times did I tell you to stop working late and come home? How many? But you wouldn’t listen! You were bound and determined to—”

“To please you and make you happy! That’s why I worked my ass off! If you told me she was dying I would have dropped everything and been there!” I gripped the counter’s edge.

“Don’t you think I know that? I wanted to tell you, Zack, I did, but I would have broken the promise I made.”

“Promise,” I huffed, “you shouldn’t have agreed to that.”

“Maybe, but I’m a woman of my word; you should know that. If I felt it would have made a difference then I would have told you.”

“
If
? Are you kidding me? Yasmine, I could have been there! How could you rob me of that chance?” My chest tightened.

Yasmine’s eyes began to water. As much as it pained me to see her that way, it didn’t stop the anger I felt. I walked to the dining room table.

“Did you love me?” I asked once I reined in my emotions.

“Did I love you? What the hell kind of question is that? Zack, I do love you!”

I heard her take a few steps around the counter. She stopped when I faced her.

“Then why didn’t you tell me? If you loved me, you should have told me what was going on.”

Her eyes closed for a moment before reopening. “You’re right. I’m an ass because I was scared that even though you wanted to marry me, the moment you found out you would push me away. I’ve had that done too many times, Zack. Men in my life lied to me and used me to get what they wanted. I was well aware of how close you were to your mother, and I respected that. But I was scared you would stop loving me and push me away for her. Hell, even your mother said you’d do the same thing.”

I groaned. “Why do you keep saying that? I never would have acted that way with you, you should know that!”

“I should have, but I didn’t, not at the time.” She wiped at fresh tears. “I wasn’t sure. You have no idea how much it took for me to admit I’m in love with you. You’ve said before I was out of your league. Well guess what, you’re out of mine.”

I huffed. “That’s a lie.”

“No, it’s not. You’re my dream, Zack, my dream. A man who cares for me, will do anything to make me happy, loves his family…can actually see past my fakeness and into here,” she tapped her chest. “A man who makes me feel beautiful and special even when I can’t stand myself. That’s what you’ve done for me. Call me selfish, I’ll admit it, but because I was afraid to lose you.

She leaned against the dining room chair, her eyes focused on the table. “The first time we made love was the first time I’d ever felt so alive. Even though it was supposed to be just sex, for me it never was. No matter what I kept telling myself. The night I kissed you and ran away…okay, yes, I have lied to you. It wasn’t about the song or mixed up emotions. I ran because I liked it when I shouldn’t have. That’s why I made up that stupid excuse to get you in bed.”

“So that’s your excuse for not telling me? What the hell does that have to do with my mother?”

She ran a hand over her eyes and sighed. “No that was a reason. My excuse was the fact your mother felt the same way.” Her hand dropped to her side as she met my stare. “If it were my decision, I would have told you as soon as you walked into the hospital room.”

I studied her eyes and saw no deceit.

Whether or not she told me the truth would not change the fact she still robbed me of precious time.

“Is that why you changed the date of the wedding? So she could be there?”

Her nod was slow. “Yes. I wanted her to see you get married and for you to have her there. It had absolutely nothing to do with me. I wasn’t trying to trap you.”

“I didn’t say you were… it’s just…thank you.” My eyebrows creased. That kind of selflessness was true to her form. But still…

“When are you coming home?” Her eyes lowered and voice softened.

I glanced away. “I don’t know. I need time. I’ve got a lot to think about.”

Yasmine nodded and walked away. No longer facing me, her head dropped and her shoulders trembled. She must have been crying.

There was nothing else to say. I walked towards the front door.

“Zack…”

I stopped in the foyer and peered over my shoulder. She still faced the window, her arms crossed tightly across her chest. “You’ll never be able to understand how sorry I am. I ask one thing...”

My throat tightened. “What?”

“Don’t take too long to decide what you want to do. My heart can’t take much more.”

Neither could mine. I didn’t reply, but I understood exactly what she meant. I walked out and closed the door.

Chapter 39

“Is this Kaitlyn Rodgers?”

“Yes it is.”

“Ms. Rodgers, this is Felicia calling from Stevenson OB/GYN. You have an appointment scheduled for two o’clock. Will you be able to make that appointment?”

“Yes, I’ll be there.”

I disconnected and checked the time. I had three hours to kill until it was time to go. I regarded the apartment I shared with my boyfriend, Luke, for the past eight months. It was slowly taking on the life of a happy home, something I wished I had growing up. My mother did everything to make it as comfortable as she could for me, my brothers, and my sister. The thing she hadn’t done was make my daddy a happy man by giving him nothing but sons.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t ignore the fact that like my childhood, the true feeling of a happy home lay on the surface, in the pictures and the decorations. No matter what I did, it hadn’t permeated my life with Luke.

Maybe having this baby would make it stick.

Three hours felt like a lifetime. At six months, I was ready to find out the sex of our baby. I was praying for a boy. Luke would like that.

Maybe then he’d be excited about our growing family.

I decided not to wallow around the house anymore. I dressed and left my troubles. People around me were dealing with a lot worse than baby daddy issues.

Like death.

It’d been a few weeks since I spoke to Yasmine and her new husband, Zack. I gave them space to grieve the loss of his mother and figured after two weeks, now would be a good time to stop by. I tried calling but didn’t get an answer. It didn’t matter. With nothing to do, I decided to go by their home.

An hour later I stood at the door waiting for someone to respond to the doorbell. Not wanting to show up unannounced and not bearing a gift, I’d stopped at the grocery store and bought a coffee cake and a gallon of milk.

The door opened and Yasmine stood looking worse for wear. Her hair was a mess, her eyes red, and she wore clothes that were two sizes too big. They appeared to be Zack’s clothes.

“Dang, girl, are you alright?”

“Kaity…” Her arms came around me, squeezing me tight and nearly crushing the cake and my basketball sized belly.

I struggled to pull an arm out from under her to reciprocate the hug, but it was impossible. When she stepped away, tears were running down her face.

“Oh lord, what’s wrong?”

“Everything! I screwed up, big time.” Yasmine lead me inside. She gasped when she realized my hands were full. “Oh, you brought cake, you shouldn’t have.” She reached for it and walked over to the kitchen counter.

I surveyed my surrounding and found the place empty.

“Where’s Zack?”

At the mention of his name, Yasmine burst into tears again.

Confused, I set the milk on the counter and reached for my friend. “Yasmine, what’s going on? Are ‘ya hurt?” She closed her eyes and shook her head no. “Is Zack hurt?” There was a pause, a shrug, and then more tears.

I guided her over to the island counter so she could sit on a stool, then searched the kitchen for a clean glass and filled it with water. “Drink this.”

She did. When she appeared settled, I took the empty cup and set it in the sink. “Okay, now, what the hell is goin’ on?”

“I think Zack is going to leave me.”

I blinked and cleared my ears. “Did you say Zack is leavin’ you? That makes no sense.”

She nodded. “He hates me. He says he can’t trust me anymore. He left three days ago, came back to talk, then left again. He didn’t say when he’d be home. He won’t answer my calls or my text messages…oh God what did I do?” She laid her head on the counter.

I walked over and rubbed her back. “Maybe you’re confused. Did you guys have a misunderstandin’? If that’s all it is, it’ll work itself out. He lost his momma so I’m sure he’s a bit sensitive right now. He probably needs a few days to calm down.” I sat in the empty chair next to her. “That man is so in love with you it’s unreal. It would have to be monumental in order for him to leave.” I paused in thought. “Unless you did somethin’ stupid like sleep around…did you?”

Yasmine peered at me, her eyes beyond any type of sadness I’d ever seen. “That’s not funny. And no, it was worse. I knew his mother was dying and didn’t tell him.”