Jaded (The Butterfly Memoirs) (30 page)

I stared at her waiting for the punch line. When she didn’t speak, my mouth fell open. “You knew Ms. Givens was dyin’?”

She nodded.

“And you didn’t tell him?” I asked for clarification.

“She made me promise not to. She didn’t want to spend the last months of her life watching him suffer.”

I took a moment to think the matter through. “That’s messed up, Yaz.”

She reached over and grabbed a roll of paper towels off the counter and blew her already red nose. A few more times of that and she’d be the spitting image of Rudolph’s little sister.

“I wanted to tell him as soon as I found out, but believed her when she said it was best he didn’t know. I didn’t think the matter through Kaity. I didn’t think about how he’d feel if he ever found out.”

“Why did ‘ya tell him?”

She sighed. “I didn’t, he figured it out. I couldn’t lie and deny it. That would have made matters worse. And now it doesn’t matter what I say, he’ll never believe me.”

I reached over and finger-combed a patch of her ruffled hair. “So you’ve been wallowin’ around here by yourself for three days? Does Ebony know?”

“No,” she stared at the tissue in her hand.

“Why didn’t you tell us? You shouldn’t be sittin’ here alone.”

“I didn’t tell you guys because I am embarrassed. You all have your own happy lives. Neither of you need to get caught up in my bullshit again.” She dabbed her eyes with the napkin. “Ebony is happily married, and you,” her eyes went to my belly as she reached out to touch it softly. “You’re pregnant.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Are you tryin’ to imply my delicate nature would keep me from lookin’ out for my best friend?”

“No, it’s just…there’s nothing either of you can say or do to help. This is on me. Either we’ll work through it or we won’t.” She sniffed. “But that’s enough about me. I could use some happiness in my life right now.” And as if on cue, the baby kicked her hand. “I am so happy for you guys. You’re a few months away from being a mother. And any day now, Luke will propose. Then we’ll be planning another wedding.”

I focused on the movement inside my belly. “Okay, lil’ one, mommy feels the same way. Do you mind if I use your bathroom? The one thing about bein’ pregnant is havin’ another person tap dancin’ on your bladder.”

Yasmine smiled a little and pointed me in the direction of the staircase to a half bathroom.

I closed the door and leaned against it. Damn. She was in a worse situation than I was. After spending years trying to avoid love, she found it only to lose it again, in less than a month.

Not that my life was any better.

I was knocked up by a man I loved, who said he wanted to marry me, but after eight months of living together, he’d yet to propose. I thought the news of bearing his child would speed up the process, but I was wrong. If anything, he’d started back peddling the moment I showed him the E.P.T. stick. The bigger my belly got, the more standoffish he became.

Not having this baby wasn’t an option, nor was adoption.

The clock was ticking. I had three months to convince Luke our child would not hinder his ability to do his job. If anything, it would affect mine.

When I emerged from the bathroom, Yasmine’s eyes were dry and she had cut pieces of the cake and set them on plates. Her smile was forced.

“This is the first time I’ve used these dishes. They were wedding gifts.” She poured milk in two glasses. “To be honest, I feel a little better now that I’ve told you.”

“That’s what friends are for.” I sighed. “Sometimes I don’t get you and Ebony. We’ve been friends for years, but it seems like when there’s major issues goin’ on, nobody wants to talk about it.” I glanced over and saw the pained expression on her face and remembered the reason why Ebony stayed silent. “Sorry.”

Yasmine waved it off. “That’s in the past.” She slid a piece of cake over to me.

“Thanks.” I stared at the plate with its tiny leaf pattern. “What are ‘ya gonna do about Zack?”

She shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. I want to work this out, but right now, it’s his decision. I can’t wait forever. Three days has been way too long. If I don’t hear from him soon, I am going to decide for him.”

An hour later, I was sitting in the doctor’s office parking lot fuming. Where the heck was Luke? After an hour of arguing, he’d placated me with a promise to meet me at the doctor’s office for the sonogram. I couldn’t believe I’d let myself fall for another lie.

I called his cell; no answer.

Hating myself for doing it, I dialed the law office where he worked. “Hi, Sabrina, it’s Kaitlyn. Is Luke in?”

“Oh, hi. He should be in his office. I’ll transfer you.”

I breathed deep, trying to avoid negative feelings. Maybe something at work made it impossible for him to come. Maybe he didn’t have time to send me a text message.

That was giving him too much credit.

After a few rings, I was sent to voice mail.

“Luke, where are you? We were supposed to meet at two for the ultrasound, you know, to find out if we’re havin’ a boy or girl? Please tell me you didn’t forget. Call me, okay?”

I disconnected and called the office again. “Sabrina, it’s me again. It went to voicemail. Are you sure he’s there?”

“He didn’t answer? I could have sworn he was in his…,” she paused. “Hold on, let me go check.” Hold music played. “Um…I’m sorry, he seems to be in a meeting. Would you like to leave another message?” Her tone told me everything I needed to know.

“No thanks.” I hung up. Meeting my ass. I bet he was sitting there avoiding me. Avoiding our baby.

Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. I wiped them away, refusing to let my feelings show. If he didn’t want to be a part of our child’s life, fine. Somewhere down the line, his feelings for me had changed. Maybe it was when he found out I was pregnant. Maybe before that.

Either way something had to give.

Chapter 40

Was it a waste of time getting dressed up to see my husband? The man who hadn’t returned my calls in nearly five days? At this point, I wasn’t sure he’d bother to notice if I wore eye shadow or how fitted my jeans were. If he still cared about me he would have come home.

But he hadn’t. He was still at his mother’s house and I was alone in our condo.

His condo.

I couldn’t claim it as mine anymore.

To be honest, I couldn’t claim to be a married woman either.

For the past week I wracked my brain trying to figure out what to do to make this marriage work. I still had no answers.

In my heart I knew honoring Ms. Belinda’s request had not been wrong, but I should have considered my husband’s…Zack’s…feelings before following through. In my opinion, knowing she died with a calm heart and the belief that Zack would be okay was the right thing to do.

Life was full of mistakes.

If Zack allowed me into his life again, I would spend the rest of our time together making it up to him. No, I could never replace what he lost, but I sure as hell could give him the love and support he needed.

And he could do the same for me.

If he still loved me.

I stepped away from the mirror and appraised myself. I hadn’t spent this much time on my appearance in weeks. I hoped it was worth it.

In the bedroom I stopped to make up the bed. Its sheets had been in disarray since the night he left. Since the last time we made love. His scent on the sheets hit me like a freight train. Unable to lie in the bed alone, what sleep I got came from sleeping on the sofa downstairs. Like that was any better. Every evening had me remembering the first time we made love on it.

I sighed and completed the task in case I convinced him to come home. The house bore no remnants of the last time he was here. My goal had been to make it a home, our home. All of my things were unpacked, the boxes discarded, and the place smelled fresh. The bed had been the place I avoided.

Done, I slipped on a lightweight jacket, my shoes, and grabbed my purse. I stopped by the dresser, grabbed the box I needed, and headed to my car.

When I reached my destination, the house was closed up. The blinds were shut and gave the appearance of no life at all.

I wasn’t in a rush to get out of the car. Part of me wanted  to wait and see if Zack noticed my arrival and met me at the door. Wasn’t that a fantasy? Only twice in the week he’d been gone did he bother to return a text message. It was only a few lines.

I don’t know
.

Well, neither did I.

Resigned, I climbed out of my car and made my way to the steps, reminding myself that all tears had been cried. I wasn’t here to beg or plead. He said he needed time. He got as much as I was willing to bear.

The door opened a few moments after I rang the bell and the sight of Zack broke my already damaged heart. Was this the man I fell in love with?

Zack’s hair had grown to a length I’d never seen before; he obviously skipped his weekly visit to the barbershop. He’d also missed his daily shave. The trim goatee he usually sported had filled in along his jaw. His bright hazel eyes were dark from an obvious lack of sleep.

We studied each other without speaking.

Unable to bear the silence, I spoke first. “Can I come in?”

Zack stepped aside and let me walk by. The house had a musty odor. He wasn’t a sloppy person, but I could tell cleaning, opening a window, or ever letting light in was not where his head was.

My first urge was to get to work restoring the ambiance of the house to the way his mother had kept it.

Instead, I walked into the living room and studied the clutter. A pillow and blanket were strewn half on the couch and floor, while photo albums sat on the coffee table.

“Visiting your past?” I was not sure if I should sit or continue to stand.

Zack tucked his hands in his pants pocket and nodded while watching me with an intensity that was hard to read.

It was nerve racking. I’d never been this emotionally cut off from him. I wrung my hands to rid them of the pain I felt.

Every part of me wanted to beg him for forgiveness and promise that we would make it past this. Instead, I stood with my hand in my jacket pocket, toying with the box it held.

“What did you find?”

His gaze went to the albums. “That there are a lot of things about my parents and family I’ll never know.”

The words, ‘thanks to you’, hung unspoken in the air.

Guilt filled my chest. If that was all he had to say then it was obvious we would never find our way back to happiness.

I waited until his attention returned to me. “Zack, I assumed you not knowing would help you to heal and move on. I should have followed my heart and told you. You probably don’t believe me, but it was her intention you not be alone after she died. She wanted you to be happy. She wanted us to be together. I’ve failed both of us.” Tears I thought were over, fought to break free. I walked over to the fireplace.

Our wedding photo sat there, a candid shot taken by my parents and printed out the day after the wedding. It was one where we held each other sharing a private moment between the photographers planned shots. I could remember Zack’s whispered words that made us both laugh. I let myself smile a little as I reached out to touch the frame.

“That will be the happiest moment in my life, Zack, knowing once there was a man who actually loved me.” I reached into my pocket and withdrew the red box. I held it tightly for a moment while squeezing my eyes shut. I slipped off my wedding rings, put them in the box, kissed the lid, and placed it next to the picture frame. When I turned to face him, his eyebrows were creased. “I don’t deserve them. It’s obvious neither of us will be able to move on from here, so I spoke to a mediator about filing for divorce. He said since we have been married less than a month we could divorce quickly due to irreconcilable differences. It can be done without an attorney since we haven’t bought anything together and there are no assets to split. I don’t want your mother’s house, or your condo. I will start the paperwork Monday and get it to you as soon as possible. All I ask is that you give me a week to move.”

Zack’s mouth opened, but he didn’t speak. My setting the rings on the mantle, not even the word ‘divorce’ sparked a reaction.

I guess my decision was the right one.

Of all the times in my life to be right about something, this is the one time I needed to be wrong.

Unable to face him, I walked towards the door, reached for the handle, and stopped. “There’s a chance I might be pregnant. I have an appointment to see a doctor next week and I’ll take a pregnancy test to be sure. If I am, I plan to keep our baby. If not, than nothing is lost. Either way, I’ll let you know.” I faced him one last time, what I saw shattered the last pieces of my heart. His eyes were wide, mouth grim, and yet he still didn’t speak. “If I am pregnant, I only ask you help take care of our child. Joint custody will not be a problem, nor will I take you to court for child support. If we keep things amicable, I’m sure we’ll be able to raise this child together.”

There was nothing else to say. I gathered what remained of my dignity together and walked to my car. To my surprise, Zack stood in the doorway as I backed out of the driveway.

At the four-way stop at the subdivisions entrance, I stopped.

Where would I go now?

I no longer had a husband or a home. The condo was a place where my things were being stored until I packed and relocated….again. My parents and friends were the last people I wanted to see, but I needed someplace to stay.

Asking to stay at the hotel again wouldn’t be a problem, but it was a part of my life I didn’t care to revisit.

I’d hit rock bottom with nowhere else to go but up. Somehow.

Brandon. My brother lived alone. Maybe he wouldn’t mind me crashing on his couch for a few days. I called and his phone went to voicemail; I left a message.

My left hand began to ache. I massaged my bare ring finger; it felt light and naked. Struck by inspiration, I left the subdivision and headed downtown.

Twenty-minutes later, I reached my destination. I heard a lot about this tattoo parlor. I was uneasy when I walked in, figuring there’d be bikers hanging out drinking beer. It was nothing like that. In fact, it was clean and held a very professional atmosphere.