It’s Still Complicated: …because I Am Still Waiting (18 page)

I hugged her and I promised her that I’ll never repeat those mistakes again and I will make myself better than before. My life was just like a pendulum now, she comes back gives me happiness for few moments and then goes away and fill my eyes with tears. It was a war between me and my luck, every time my luck took her away from me I somehow brought her back, every time my luck gave me a kick, I gathered all my energy and fought back.

I was happy that she was back as a friend in my life, but I was sad because she was not the same anymore. She already has lost trust in me and I had nothing to do to develop that trust again except to give time to the things to heal on their own. I came back home with a new hope that I will change myself and make myself a better man to get her back into my life.

Things become bad, then worst but they eventually become better and I hope this time it’s going to be better. My life has nothing more important than her and I knew what she meant to me, Mom didn’t knew that I have met Megha again and even she did not wanted me to meet her again but I had to tell my mom about it and I told my mom everything. Mom did not say anything about me and Megha and then she informed me about her plan to go to Vrindavan the next day.

03rd October, 2014

We were at Bankey Bihari temple, everyone folded their hands in front of the God of Love, Lord Krishna. I jumped off few people and tried to go closest to the Krishna, I went near his ears and said, “You are the God of Love, I know I have committed many mistakes while I was in relationship but now I want you to help me get her back, I am trying to make myself a better man for her and you are going to help me in doing so. Bring her back for me I promise ill come to see you within next month and I’ll always be your follower if you do this.”

When we went to Iskon temple, I kept myself busy in chanting Hare Rama Hare Krishna with the foreigners who used to chant mantras daily, I had never been so religious and seeing this my mom and dad got surprised that I am chanting the mantras which I never do. This was the power of Love, the fear of losing showed me the way to god, had anyone told me that you have to do these chants for the whole day without having food and water; I would have done that to get her back.

I have never shown so much interest in god and I have never visited to so many temples in a single day which I did that day. At every temple I went, I had only one line to say to god, “I Love her and I want her back, I trust you and I promise ill never hurt her, please bring her back in my life.”

When I visited an old Yamuna Temple, there was an old lady sitting just outside the temple, unlike others she was not bagging, she was busy in chanting Krishna, Krishna, Hare Krishna, and when I looked at her she looked very mysterious yet poor and weak. Her face expressed her age being in 70’s and her health showed how poor she was. My subconscious mind asked me to go to her, touch her feet and ask her for her blessings and give her some money so that she could get some food for herself. But eventually my Dad and my Mamaji went to her, they touched her feet and gave her some money.

She looked at me continuously and I felt she wanted to say something to me but I thought if I go close to her I would burst out crying thinking about my relationship and asking for her blessing to settle down everything. Meanwhile my cousin asked me to get out of there as we were getting late so I had to leave without having a conversation with that lady. For the whole day her face kept on flashing in my eye and I felt like she was calling me to say something to me but I had no chance to go to her again as we had to go to Agra the very next day.

The short night passed away very easily as I was lost in my thoughts where I was wondering things could get worst within no time, there was a day few years back when I came to Vrindavan and I asked Lord Krishna that I am enjoying a very happy life I want you to keep blessing me and my girlfriend and today was the day when I prayed him to bring her back into my life.

Looking at the beauty of Taj Mahal you could imagine the beauty of love between Shah Jahan and Mumtaj Mahal, but when I visited Taj Mahal a few years back during my school days, I did not have any girlfriend so I never knew the value of true love and today when I don’t have a girlfriend I know the value of true love. Things have changed, time has changed, people have changed, but the feeling of love never does. I had tears in my eyes, but I couldn’t let them out as my father did not know about my relationship with Megha and I never wanted him to see me crying for a girl. He is a simple man who is strong and silent and he always wanted me to be a tough guy, because he knows the rule of nature “the fittest survives” and according to him I have to be the fittest. He always tried his best to provide me the best teachings, the best life and the best things which I needed in every sphere of my life.

07th October, 2014 (Delhi)

For last two days I noticed Megha was ignoring my messages and she was avoiding my calls too. Her phone was never busy but she was always online and even then she ignored my messages. I still had her Facebook password and I eventually logged into it; when I went to the messages I realized she has just deleted her chats with a guy, her classmate. I was already frustrated and seeing her misbehaving with me, I doubted whether she was deliberately chatting with people online, to avoid me and trying to divert her mind from me.

I called her and she disconnected the call. I again called her and kept calling her until she received the call. She was angry and I wondered and I asked her, “How you can be so angry with someone whom you loved so madly…” I also asked her the reason for avoiding me, to which she replied that she did not want to talk to me and she just wanted me to avoid having frequent conversations with her. I wondered how could I stop myself from messaging her when she was always online. Coming to the point I asked her the reason behind deleting her chats with her classmates which she recently had. She replied that she was not my girlfriend now and I have no right to ask her this type of question. I couldn’t understand why she was behaving like this; I couldn’t accept that this was my Megha who was behaving like this. I was confused, is she doing this to change me and make me realize the level of mistakes I have committed or she has really started hating me now.

I burned out in anger and I never had to be angry in front of her. I tried to control myself but I couldn’t, I asked her to come on a group chat with the guy with whom she was chatting over FB and she refused to come. But then she sent me the screen shots of a few chats that she had been having with the classmate which clearly proved that it was just a normal chat and they had nothing personal in that. Megha even did not have the phone number of that guy, otherwise they would not have talked over FB.

She was clear, she was true and she was loyal but me, I had again done something which is worst than whatever I did till date. According to her I lost trust in her, and now because she was hurt she disconnected the call saying “It’s over, you last chance is over, and now if you call me or message me ill block you from everywhere”.

A tear dropped out of my left eye, and then a lot of them from both the eyes. The eyes had started crying since last few months and they didn’t know when they are going to stop or they are never going to stop ever. The eye lashes were so heavy and tired to shed tears that every drop of tear looked like a drop of blood, but I could only shed them when I am alone.

Me Without her

08th October, 2014

I
t was 4 am in the morning when I check for her last seen on Whatsapp, it was 10:59pm and she did not reply to any of my messages, they were still unread. I was frustrated, broken, weak, sad, and emotional and dismantled mentally. I did not have any thoughts running inside my head except her; I was thinking why all of this has happened, where we both went wrong and how I

could get her back.

My mom woke up, she noticed me looking at my phone. She knew what was going on in my head and probably she knew that we have again broken up with each other. She asked me what I am looking in the phone, and I started crying. When you are very sad and you have someone who cares the most, you automatically burst out in tears and you have no control over yourself. She wiped my tears and said, “You are a boy, and boys don’t cry. You made mistakes but many of them were not much important to focus upon, you tried your best to bring her back and now wait for her, if she truly loves you she will be back, otherwise forget her.”

Had anyone else told me those words, I would have done something to him, something which he would never forget, but it was my mom and moms are always know us from inside out and she knew what I was and what I had become now. I know that she always wanted me to be brave and strong; looking at me so weakly she said, “I always thought you were a strong boy. That you never feel very sad for anything and being my child you have to be the strongest because I am strong and I never let people hurt me, be strong and go to sleep now.”

I was unlucky to lose Megha; but I was lucky that at the worst time of my life my mom was with me, and god had planned everything perfectly for me. I went to the balcony for a while, I looked at the calm, dark sky, only the moon was lightening the earth and there were no stars. It was as beautiful and inspiring as a painting. It looked like the night itself is sad about me, but there was someone who was ignoring me or was happy to see me like this, god! I looked at the sky again with the red angry eyes filled with tears, and cursed him for giving me so much of pain. If I had a chance to have a word with me I knew I would have made him cry too, but he was hidden behind those dark clouds and he did not came out to see me and help me.

I came back to the room and wrote something on my Facebook Timeline.

Neend uda ke jaati hai khwabon me aake is tarha Jaise pyar nahi koi gunah kiya ho

Chahat ka teri itna hua asar hum par Jaise tere bina kabhi hum jiye na ho…

I didn’t know when I fell asleep. My mom woke me up, then she went on to the temple. I wanted to stop her from going there, a place where nobody is there to listen to us but she had her own belief and I had my own.

In the afternoon I came to know that I haven’t had breakfast since morning and I have been lost somewhere since I woke up. I don’t know where I was lost but now I knew, I was at my home with my mom and she had made my all-time favorite Rajasthani food. Whenever a proper Rajasthani meal was made I always used to eat extra, but today I did not wanted to eat anything. All my hunger and thirst was lost, and I was too.

Mom forced me to eat something and it was her duty to do so, I refused to eat but then as I did not wanted her to become sad I had a few bites. Sometimes when I am too happy or too sad my mom feeds me with her own hands and today she was feeding me. With every bite she put into my mouth I missed the day when Megha fed me for the first time in a restaurant and I couldn’t resist myself from shedding tears. I wasn’t crying but the tears were coming out of my eyes like they were hidden since years and waited to come out.

When someone switched on the TV I wanted him to switch it off, as I was sad and there was nothing which could make me happy or busy. I did not even like to watch my favorite serials on SAB TV. All I was doing is looking at her pictures in my phone and asking her why she left me alone when she had made thousands of promises to be with me forever.

I tried to call her but every time I clicked the green button I disconnected the call before letting it to ring. I knew if I call her, she will not listen to me and she will maybe block me from everywhere.

09th October, 2014

My phone rang, the screen showed “Megha calling”, I received the call and it was Megha on the other side, she said she wanted to meet as today she is not going to her college. I said I’ll be ready in half an hour and when I am ready I would call her and we will meet at Kohat Enclave Metro Station, our favorite place. When I was ready I called her to reach Kohat and I went to the florist and bought a single red rose for her, she was back into my life and I wanted to welcome her with the Red Rose. I was late this time and she waited for me for 15 minutes but she did not bother as I am rarely late.

She was sitting on the driver’s side inside the car and I was sitting next to her, she smiled at me and I smiled at her. We both held each other’s hand and then I asked her to close her eyes, she closed her eyes and said, “I know it’s a flower.” She smiled.

I gave her the flower and she opened her eyes, she liked the flower and smiled at me, then she asked me to close my eyes and I asked her why, she put her fingers on my lips and asked me to close my eyes. I closed my eyes and waited for her to ask me to open up, but she didn’t.

I said, “Can I open my eyes now, Megha! Megha!, speak up otherwise I’ll open my eyes, ok, I am going to open my eyes at the count of three, 1… 2… and 3.”

It was completely dark, I was at my home, and of course shocked. I searched for my cell phone and saw the time, it was 4 am in the morning, mom was awake as I was speaking aloud and thrashing around wildly in the dream. She did not react as she knew I was still in my dream-like state and I turned my face on the opposite side. I was shattered once again, I cannot cry, I cannot shout, and I cannot breathe without her, but I had to.

I turned my face towards my mom and said, “Mom, are you awake?” She said, “Yes, I am, are you not feeling sleepy.” I kept my head on her lap, and I wished if I could die that very moment, its heaven to die on mom’s lap, but as it says, “Good people die sooner.” and I was not among them. Mom knew I was dying inside but all she said is, be strong and trust me this time will fly away very soon.

10th October, 2014 (Back to my Home town)

For a change my mom wanted to take me back home. We had to board a train at 8:45am in the morning, as soon as we settled down in the train; it started taking me away from Megha. I hated this moment specially, when I had to go away from her, although we never meet daily with each other at least our house was in the radius of 3 kms only, and above all we were taking breath in the same air. But I had to go home as everyone else here wanted me to go for a change. They thought may be ill feel better if I go away from Delhi, but I don’t think so. I knew it is going to make it ever worst than before. I walked to the washroom in the train and dialed Megha’s number, and then realized she is not my girlfriend anymore and she is not going to pick up the call, I disconnected and went back to my seat.