It’s Still Complicated: …because I Am Still Waiting (17 page)

I started thinking that she did not want to get back into the relationship. I was upset and my thoughts were muddled and confusing, even to me. It was all a blur and I told myself, “
She knows that I can’t live without her, that is why she wants me to learn to live without talking to her, without sharing the things to her, without meeting her and just be her friend till she says she is ready for the relationship.”
Now because of all this I was now more worried, more frustrated, and more insecure than ever. And this once again fuelled the vicious cycle of anger within me and I started to sense the anger building in me. But on the other hand she might be thinking that her awkward behavior will teach me a lesson.

Still I tried to control my anger, and I told her that I am doing my best to control my anger but according to her there were no changes in me. I wondered I could end my anger instead of controlling it. Everyone in this damn world knows anger cannot be ended, you can only control it and I was trying my best to control it.

I tried to meet her two times in those two month even when she refused to meet me, but both the times I drove towards her college and met her to convince her that I am trying my best and I am feeling the changes in me. But this always increased her frustration towards me and she ended up shouting at me to leave her alone and not to try to meet her again without her consent.

Those 2 months which were equal to 2 years with her and without her. Life seems so pathetic. That time without her made me weak, and I was damn depressed. I lost interest in my business, and I isolated myself. I was feeling that I had somehow controlled my anger as I believed that I was behaving well. So again I went to her college to meet her when the 2 months’ time was over, just to convince her that I had changed and to come back to me now.

When I reached her college she was about to leave for her home, I asked her to meet me at Rithala Metro Station as she had to drop her friend there. I reached Rithala before her and I waited for her there, I prayed to God to bring her back to me and I promised him that I will never misbehave with her again. She came and I went inside her car, she did not want to talk so she kept mum. I asked her whether she is feeling the changes in me or not, to which she replied that I have not changed a bit and coming to meet her again and again, she hated me for this.

I told her how I was feeling without her, how I am spending all my time in improving myself but her negligence towards me is killing me. I was controlling my anger every time and I never got angry on her since last two months, but according to her I was just controlling my anger and I should learn not to become angry which was not at all possible. She said, “Listen I never wanted you to do this and I just wanted you to come to meet me only when I want you too, because according to me we are just friends and we would have been friends till you learn how to behave, I am not going to talk to you anymore and you have not changed a bit, our friendship is over!”

I thought I should call Vatsala and again have a conversation with her in front of Megha, so that things can be solved, but she did not wanted to talk to anyone and left me alone once again. May be she wanted to see more changes in me, because of course a true lover cannot live without you and she might not have been able to, but for my better she had to do this, she had to hurt me and break that friendship at that point and I was all over from inside. She drove back to home crying and in anger and I sat on my bike to try to regain my senses. I did not knew what all is going in her head and I did not knew what is going to happen next, but as of now we both were separated again and the last hope which was our friendship also ended.

I requested Vatsala to talk to her and try to solve the things. After a conversation with Megha, Vatsala said that she had made up her mind to end this. Maybe you have not changed, maybe she is not able to see the changes, or maybe she doesn’t want to see the changes. This shattered me from inside, I lost all my hope to bring her back as she was not replying to my phone calls and messages. I was crying sitting alone in my home. It was just a misunderstanding between us, which did not get cleared up and ended the relationship between us for a while. The things which could not be solved should be left un- discussed and this was the lesson I learned when she broke up with me.

I kept wondering whole night will she come back?

October 2014

Being alone and depressed, I was just wondering if there was anything which could help me get her back. I got an idea, I searched for her college friend Riya on FB and asked for her phone number as she seemed to be the most trustworthy person who could convince Megha for what I wanted her to. I called her up, explained everything to her. I told Riya about all of the things which created the misunderstanding between Megha and me, and the mistakes which I committed and her behavior towards me.

She said Megha had never discussed anything about her personal life with any of her friends in the college. She did not wanted to get into it, but because I was sad and I looked convincing to her, she was ready to help me out. She had a conversation with Yamini and Nishika and it took us about a week to make up a plan on how to convince Megha to get back into the relationship.

Meanwhile my Mom came to Delhi, to stay with me for a month and I was happy that she was here with me when I was all alone and sad. mom knew about me being in a relationship with Megha and she always used to say that she wants to meet Megha but I was shy and I always said, “Mom I don’t have any girlfriend…”

Before Riya, Yamini and Nishika could convince Megha I thought if I asked my Mom to do this for me, there might be better chances to bring her back into my life.

I called up Megha and told her that my mom wanted to meet her; somehow she agreed to come home and meet my mom. I came to my mom and I don’t know why but suddenly I started crying in front of her, she got worried and asked me the reason for being so sad and I then explained her everything. She became very angry because of what I did with Megha and she wanted me to call her and ask her to meet my mom, which I had already did. Then I called up Riya and informed her that my mom had called Megha at my home and she would take care of everything and they can now relax.

I was once again in a tense and nervous state. There were so many thoughts running around in my head and I was waiting for the next morning eagerly now. I wanted it to come early but late, I was happy but afraid. I dint knew what was going to happen tomorrow; I did not know whether she would agree to be back in the relationship or not. I wondered, “
Will my mom convince her for me or she will ask her to leave me. Will my mom like her or not…”
These questions kept hitting my head hard for the whole night. I was so happy that I was smiling that my mom agreed to talk to her but tears were coming out of my eyes because I was afraid of losing her again. I could not sleep the whole night as I was wondering what will be the reaction of Megha when she confronts my mom. I wondered, “
Will she complain to my mom about me, will she tell her that I slapped her once and I shouted on her in a public place, after listening to her will my mom ask me to
leave her alone as I committed all those mistakes which were un acceptable…”

I dint knew whether I slept that night or not, but the morning arrived and she was going to be here at 8:30 today. She called me up and said she that she would be there in few minutes; I went to my mom into the kitchen and requested her to somehow convince Megha for me. She said she will try her best.

Megha entered my house; she wished my mom and then started the discussion on what we were waiting for. My mom asked her the reason for the breakup to which she replied that because of my bad behavior in a public place that too, and my possessive nature she did not want to be with me. She said she loves me and my nature but when I get angry I never behave properly. She even told my mom that I slapped her once and even after that we had many fights at the public places. She explained her about the last instance where we had fight and even then I did not change myself.

After listening to her my mom became very angry on me and she said if she would have been Megha’s mom she would have never allowed her to talk to me hereafter but still If I am sorry for what I had done and if I promise to take care and love Megha always and will never misbehave and get angry on her, then she would ask Megha to talk to me.

I was sorry for what I did; I tried my level best to change myself, and I was damn worried to lose her. Even if my mom would have asked me to cut my neck and place it in Megha’s feet I would have done that, I agreed with my mom and I promised that I would never commit those mistakes again. Megha smiled at my Mom and then at me and she was back into the relationship again. My mom also asked Megha to call her if I misbehave with her hereafter.

Megha was very comfortable with my mom, they were so busy in their conversation like they knew each other from years. I was isolated and felt like they had nothing to do with me. I never knew that situation would turn around so easily and they would be so comfortable with each other within an hour. I was feeling like my mom was Megha’s mom and I was Megha’s husband who came to live at Megha’s house and I had no importance of mine at her house. After all, she was mine again and we all were happy, my mom, me, Megha and my life.

Megha was about to leave, but I did not wanted her to. My sixth sense informed me that if Megha goes to the college today, her friends would tell her that we were making a plan to convince her and it was not the time when I should tell her that I was talking to her friends to makeup a plan to convince her. Because I knew listening to this she will get angry on me and everything will be ruined once again. I asked her to not to go to college that day and how about enjoying the day out with each other somewhere. But she said she had an important class and she have to go to college anyhow.

I wanted to stop her but I couldn’t as if I had then she would have again become angry on me. She left for her college and I went to my office hoping everything will be fine. But if life would have been so simple then we would have never faced so many problems and the upcoming one again.

She called me when her classes were over and she was very angry, she asked me to come and meet her and I had to hurriedly leave my office to meet her. I knew it’s her friends who had ruined the things for me again. Those who once promised me to help me in solving everything have created the problems for me. She was very angry knowing that I have told her friends about our breakup and the problems which were going on in our relationship which she never wanted to share with them. She also said that I have plotted my mom to convince her otherwise my mom never wanted to meet her. When I insisted her to tell me the name of the person who has told her about these things she said it was Mathur who has told her everything.

Again a misunderstanding and I was damn angry on Mathur for doing this, if I would have been the king of this country, I would have sentenced Mathur to be hanged till death for doing this. She never knew anything about me and Megha and she had no rights to ruin a relationship when she does not know anything about us. I asked Megha to forget whatever they said to her, I asked her to just trust me and stop thinking too much. I told her that yes I was talking to her friends to make a plan to bring her back into the relationship but I haven’t plotted my mom for this, it was just that I cried in front of my mom and she asked me about the matter and she herself wanted to meet her and then I asked my mom to convince her for me.

But my luck was against me and she was not at all listening to me, she jumped to the conclusion that I lied to her that my mom wanted to meet her which she really did. She also thought that I was playing around with her emotions to bring her back. Those few friends of her who came into her life a few months back were now trustworthy for her and I was a liar. I never knew my life would become so pathetic that the person who trusted me more than she trusts herself now thinks I was wrong.

She was so much frustrated that she said she wanted to end this forever and she doesn’t want to come back into the relationship. She apologized to my mom for changing her decision and my mom knew that Megha has lost her trust on me and there was no point in keeping that relationship anymore. She asked me to leave her alone and try to live without her.

I have tried everything which I could, and I was left with no hope, but I was angry with Riya because if she would not have told Mathur about whatever happened, then Megha would have not broken up with me again. I called her up and asked her to meet me in front of all of them (Yamini, Mathur and Nishika). She agreed to meet me the next day and I went to her college to meet all of them.

We all gathered in the college canteen and I asked them the reason behind telling Megha about our plans, to which Riya replied that she just shared everything with Mathur which she could not do earlier, and Mathur thought that I was really plotting everyone to convince Megha and that is why she informed Megha about everything. Mathur’s misunderstanding was now Megha’s misunderstanding and Mathur has ruined everything.

I burst out crying in front of them and when I narrated them the whole story on how much we loved each other, they realized that by mistake they have ruined a relationship which was far better than all other relationships and they agreed to talk to Megha about this and make her understand that this is mere a misunderstanding, and everything which I had done so far was just to bring her back.

Megha was called up there and all her friends explained her about the misunderstandings which have created havoc in our life, but Megha kept silence, her silence kills me and it was. After all the emotional discussions she said, “May be there were a lot of misunderstandings which ruined our relationship but the main thing is your nature and behavior, I am ready to be you friend and if you promise to change yourself then I’ll be back into your life as your girlfriend and this will be your last chance.”