It’s Still Complicated: …because I Am Still Waiting (16 page)

After a few minutes…

“Jaan, I have to go, I don’t know when we felt asleep and it’s too late. Mom’s call is about to come,” she said.

“Hang on! Can’t you tell your mom that you are going to live with me here forever, or I would have to tell your family that I am going to marry your daughter and she is mine now?”

“And they are going to say, oh! We are so glad, go ahead, marry her, take her to your home and they would bless us. Now would you please let me dress up and go home?”

“Okay!
Abhi jaane de raha hu
, but remember very soon you are going to be with me permanently and forever.”

She looked for her accessories and dressed up. She applied her lip gloss and fixed her hair, she was all set to go, I stopped her and said, “I will miss you Jaan.”

She smiled and said, “Stop behaving like a child, I am here in Delhi only, I am not going out of Delhi.”

We had a good bye kiss and then I was all alone at my home, recollecting those awesome moments which we had just spent with each other. I and she, she and I, we were now ours, and that removed the fear of mine, the feeling that we are going to face some trouble in our relationship. This was the day when I was hers and she was mine, and we were in a emotional contract of being with each other forever and we had no chance for the breach of this contract.

The day was special and will always remain special. The intuition which kept made me awake and alert to enjoy and live each and every moment of today made me feel awesome, and I thanked god from deep down of my heart that he had given the best gift of my life to me and that gift was Megha.

End of It

I
t was 12:13 pm, Tuesday morning on 5th August 2014, when we met happily for the last time. She didn’t have her college that day, and I was waiting for her at the food court in the City centre mall, Rohini. She was late as always and me, constantly calling her to ask where she had reached. I got very frustrated because of her habit to coming late, but when I saw her as usual everything I became calm. There she is… soft, silky, straight hair, deep and beautiful eyes, wearing her favorite sky blue top and carrying a heart-shaped hand bag. Sitting in front of me,

with her butterfly smile she asked, “
Gussa hai
?”

“No, I just forget everything when I see you!” I said. Thinking on back of my mind, “You come late, I wait for you, every second waiting for you is like an hour for me sweetheart, and this makes me impatient to see you!” “What would you like to have JAAN?” I said. “Nothing, I have done breakfast but you have not, so can I get something for you?” she replied. “Umm, okay let me order white pasta for both of us. But you don’t like white pasta,” she said remembering my preference for red pasta. But I told her, “I like everything which you like and that’s where my happiness lies sweetheart…”

“So! When we are going to meet next?” I asked.

“You are always in a hurry to meet me, why so?” she replied.

“The moment I separate from you I start waiting for the next meet,” I replied.

I held her hand and we both smiled at each other, and the pasta arrived.

We ate lunch and made small talk. Suddenly she looked up at me and said, “It’s already 2 o’clock sweetheart and I have to leave now.”

We both then went to her car and I couldn’t go away from her, so I got inside her car and asked her to spend few more minutes with me. I was driving and I don’t know why I started it…

We both started fighting about small things for the last 3 nights and I was not able to sleep because of it, I cry till my eyes could handle it no more, can we discuss it today so that it’s finally over and we don’t have to fight anymore, I said.

“Not now, I am not in any mood to discuss it and I have to go home, will discuss about this over the phone…” she replied. “We are not able to solve it on the phone, the fight always increases and we end up disconnecting the phone and spoiling each other’s moods. Let’s discuss it and solve it now and forever. I cannot cry every night and think about it for the whole day; I will not let you go till we solve everything which is screwing up our relationship,” I said.

She refused to discuss about those things and I tried to force her. She moved her head and face to the opposite side and I forced her to look at me again and again. She started her car to go home but I switched it off and took out the keys. She asked me for the keys and I did not gave it to her. In anger I said I will not let you go till you solve these problems right now and she forcefully snatched the car keys and started the engine once again. We both were stubborn and we both stuck to our decision., The arguments took a very serious form and they became very aggressive within a few minutes. Neither did she wanted to change her decision, nor did I. We both were quarrelling like enemies and it became so serious which we never expected.

After an hour I gave up because she started crying, she did not want me to discuss the reasons for which we were fighting every night because according to her those reasons were silly. She got very angry with me because of my bad behavior and she could only say, “Listen it’s over! I gave you many chances but you always misbehave in public places, and I hate you for this. Goodbye there is no need to talk to me ever. Don’t call me!” She left me in the pain again.

Does it really matter whether we discuss these things at our home, over the phone or in a closed car parked in a public place; the important thing is our relationship and to save it we cannot see the time and place, we just want to solve it and why we cannot discuss those things sitting inside a car if we can have a discussion on any other topic like the next date with her or the plan for shopping.

The only thing I could do is call her repeatedly but she hung up the phone saying don’t call me I’ll never ever talk to you.

I went home, tried to call her several times regretting for what I had done and blaming myself for ruining it once again. A happy day turned into a sad day and I was banging my head on the walls of my house, abusing myself and having pity on myself for once again breaking the promise which I had made to her. I tried to call and message her again and again but it did not give me anything except a silence from her side. I never thought this thing could hurt her so much and our relationship would be at stake.

I did not have my dinner that day, was thinking about those moments again and again and I wished if I could go to the past and stop myself from doing this, I tried to sleep but I couldn’t as my pillow was wet because of the continuous tears falling from my eyes. I thought the next day would give me a better solution for convincing her to talk to me and with that hope I was awake all night.

I said I love her I said I like her

But she thinks it is a joke… I like her behavior

I like her character

But she believes it is an irony… I like her nearness

I like her charm

But she assumes it is a mischief… I understand her feelings

I understand her breathings But she let it to be a cheating… I keep her loving

I keep her dreaming

But when it breaks it raining, raining and raining…

06th August, 2014

Do I need to see a psychiatrist?

I was awake the whole night and I was waiting for her call at 8:30am. This was the time when she is usually on the way to her college and she calls me up daily at this time. With every second the clock moved towards 8:30, my heart started beating faster and faster. I was not afraid of her reaction when she called me up, but I was afraid of losing her. The clock strike 8:30 and my eyes moved towards my mobile, every second of her delay multiplied my fear that she was now very angry with me and she was not going to forgive me this time. I did not get any call from her for next 5 minutes. I convinced myself that she has not called me because she might be late for the college today so she would call me as soon as she started driving towards the college.

It was 8:45, no call from her. I was unlocking the mobile screen again and again to check whether the network was there or not. But now I could not wait any longer, I called her; she did not pick up the call. I tried it once again, then she sent a busy tone. Maybe she was not going to college today that is why she is not receiving the calls, I convinced myself.

In the afternoon I tried calling her again and again she disconnected the call saying she did not want to talk to me and sent me a message saying that I should not call her. I checked her Whatsapp status where she wrote, “Frustrated”. She wasn’t online since last night, I sent her a message that I want to talk to her and I promised I would listen to her and she could dump all her anger on me. It was my mistake and I had to convince her, so she somehow agreed to talk to me in the evening.

After a long wait I got a call from her at 11pm in the night. I was silent when I received the call and she was very angry with me. I thought I would be able to convince her and I tried with the word ‘Sorry’, to which she replied, “Do you have something new, every time you make the mistake and then say sorry… does sorry solves everything?”

I did not have words because I knew nothing was going to work out here and I had never seen her getting so angry so I asked her to just think about what my life would be without her and forgive me. I asked her to think about those beautiful moments we shared together and come back. I asked her to share what was on her mind with me and to not let her anger to come in between us. After a pause she replied, “Look, I will get back into the relationship but on one condition…” I took a breath of relief and I said, “Tell me, I would do anything to bring you back…”

According to her I needed to see a psychiatrist, because I behave very badly when I am angry. I was taking every small argument seriously because of which I quarrel with her and I am behaving very different in these days, Even the lack of sleep and the insecurity about the relationship supported her suggestion, she also said she would only get into the relationship if I consulted a psychiatrist.

I was damn worried about all of the things which she said. I could not prove anything as I knew these things were true and then I came up with a solution. I said, my best friend Vatsala from IIPM is a psychologist and we will have a discussion about my problems with her, if she suggests further counselling we will definitely go to the psychiatrist if required.

She agreed to have a conversation with Vatsala over conference call and I asked Vatsala to come into the call for the discussion. We shared the whole situation with Vatsala; the small arguments about on which we fought, my bad behavior with Megha and about my current situation of not being able to sleep. I was also becoming over expressive and emotional about everything. After analyzing all those things, Vatsala came to the conclusion that due to over thinking on useless things suppressed anger had developed in me and because of which I was not behaving well. She said currently I do not need to see a psychiatrist as it was just anger management which I need to learn and she provided me with few tips on anger management.

Megha however did not seem to be convinced until Vatsala wanted to talk to her privately and then they both came up with a solution that Megha would allow me 2 months to learn to control my anger, to improve my behavior and during these 2 months she would just be my friend, not a girlfriend.

I felt very alone. But I somehow convinced myself that Megha wants me to become better than what I am and even Vatsala had my best interests at heart. So I equipped myself to become a better person to learn and control my anger. I felt very ashamed when I recollected the moments in which I was shouting at Megha and I promised myself to become a good man for her, like I was when we had started the relationship way back in 2009.

We both were together but we were not. We both were talking to each other but we were not like we used to. I knew that we both loved each other more than anyone else in this world but we were just friends for now. We both wanted to speak up a lot of things but we were silent on everything now. I was finding this time very difficult as I was on my best behavior and my beloved girlfriend did not seem to reciprocate. It hurt me tremendously when she did not respond to my overtures of ‘
I Love You
!’ I was just trying to settle down everything and get the relationship back to the track by doing every possible thing I could do and she was behaving as badly as she could just to analyze the changes in me. When I used to call her up and share all the things in my mind she listened to me but it seemed like she was not really interested in talking to me and always wanted to end the conversation. I always used to get angry with her behavior with me but because I couldn’t show her my anger, I too used the technique to disconnect the call so that I could cool down.