I Surrender (25 page)

After a long pause I whisper, “No... This is for the best Jasper; we always knew this was headed for tragedy.”

“Bull fucking shit! You’re just afraid, you’re so afraid of being hurt again, to love again. You can’t even tell me you love me. Do you love me? “

I feel my mouth dry up.

“Answer me.”

“It’s not that simple,” I reply quietly.

“Yes it is. You’re the one that told me relationships are black and white.”

“Well you’re the one that told me they aren’t
,” I retort quickly, referring to the conversation we had all those months ago in my living room.

“That was before I met you. I want you, Ava.-Can you say the same thing about me? Be honest with me, but more importantly be honest with yourself. Why are you so afraid of allowing yourself to love me?
I am prepared to fight for you, for us… are you?” he questions me without hope.

I ponder the question, am I? Can I really risk everything for this turbulent relationship? But Jasper is wrong, I’m not afraid of loving him, I’m afraid of loving him
too
much and losing myself like I did with Harper.

“Tell me you love me, please.” I don’t answer him, I can’t.

“Fine, you know what, fuck it. You can’t even tell me you love me and you’re not prepared to fight for us, so why the hell am I wasting my time? Happy fucking birthday! Goodbye Ava,” and the line goes dead, along with my heart.

The sob I have been holding onto bursts out of me and I cry a mass of tears. How can a decision I should be celebrating, all of a sudden feel so wrong?

Chapter 36:

Don’t Call Me Bunny

A
fter our phone call I lock my door and I don’t emerge for three days. I leave the curtains drawn, turn off my phone and I welcome sleep.

V knocks incessantly, yells at me, curses me out using some creative language, threatens and bribes me, but eventually she understands I’m not coming out. She leaves meals by my bedroom door and sits and talks to me through the walls. But I never talk back because I am in and out of consciousness. I am drowning in regrets asleep or awake.

Finally after three days I surface and when I glance at my reflection I burst into tears. How could I have been so stupid? I shower and dress in mismatching clothes not even aware of the time. The curtains still drawn have made my world permanently night, a reflection of how I’m feeling.

I stomp down the stairs and V drops her phone when she sees me. I must look like hell to cause a reaction like that. Good to know my appearance matches my mood. V quickly retrieves her phone while I peer into the fridge for something to tweak my appetite. Nothing does so I settle on cereal.

I sit at the kitchen bench while I can hear V apologizing to whoever she was chatting to and hangs up. I can feel her eyes watching me closely, like I will flee if she says the wrong things. We sit silently for a few minutes and I robotically stuff my face not wanting to talk. The many spoonfuls I take are readily replaced by two more. I am gagging on cereal and grief by the time V quickly runs over to me, pushing the bowl away from me before I choke.

“Ava stop sssh sssh,” she coos while I burst into tears. I can barely breathe and V guides me to the sink where I throw up. She holds back my hair and I vomit til I have nothing left. I am shaking in despair and a flood of tears break the flood gates. V lets me cry until shudders vibrate through my body and I nearly collapse onto the floor.

“Ava stop this, please talk to me. You're making yourself sick.” I can hear the fear in her voice.

I wipe my runny nose on my sleeve and take a few calming breaths. I brace myself over the sink, afraid I am going to be sick again.

“We broke up,” I whisper feeling my stomach drop yet again.

“Oh honey, why what happened?”

“It's all my fault V. What is wrong with me? How do I keep fucking up with him?” A sob breaks free and I lean my head against the edge of the sink.

“Can't you just call him, talk things through?”

“No I hurt him…again. He will never forgive me.” I can scarcely breathe.

“What did you say to him that's so bad?”

I look at her and shake my head slowly. “I can't take back the words I never said,“and I sob hysterically.

V gets it. She understands my insecurities have gotten the better of me-again.

“Oh Ava, you will sort it out.” V is trying her best to console me, but I am inconsolable.

“No we really won’t.”

The realization hits me hard, and the thought of never seeing Jasper ever again, never touching him, never telling him that I love him, drags me down, and the last thing I remember before my limp body hits the floor are his heart broken words. “Tell me you love me, please.”

*****

“I am so pleased you’ve accepted Ms. Thompson,” smiles Mr. Chamberlin. That makes one of us.

Thank you Mr. Chamberlin for such an exciting opportunity, I am honored and hope to do CIA proud,” I say reciting my practiced speech. I feel like a phony. When I made this decision it felt like the right one. Now I am not so sure.

I haven’t spoken to Jasper since our heated argument and I can’t gather the courage to contact him. I wish I could take it all back but I know I can’t, Jasper deserves better than me - I am emotionally damaged goods forever.

Mr. Chamberlin has enrolled me into class three weeks from today. The sooner the better I guess, but I haven’t even told my parents yet. Or V. When did my life get so complicated? I decide no time like the present and drive to my parents’ house.

I walk up the driveway of my childhood home, realizing this will probably be the last time in a long time I will be here.

My mom opens the doors. “Oh honey what a lovely surprise! Come in.” I walk into her arms and rest my cheek on her shoulder. “Honey what’s wrong?” It’s a mother’s intuition to know when her offspring is a crumbling mess.

I walk inside and fall into the couch. “I’m going back to Singapore mom. CIA has offered me a one year scholarship and I accepted. I leave in three weeks.” That wasn’t so bad after I eventually got it out.

"Oh honey this is fantastic news!" She must see my depressed reaction and asks, "Isn't it?"

"Yes mom it's a great opportunity, I'm just anxious I guess.” But she knows I'm lying.

"Are you sure that's it? This has nothing to do with Jasper?"

The mention of his name depresses me further, there is no point denying it.

"We broke up mom. All because I’m too afraid of being hurt again. He wants to fight for us but I don't know what I want. But if I don’t go mom, I will never forgive myself and I don’t want Jasper to be the reason why I pass up this opportunity because I will end up resenting him, but without him mom, it just feels pointless."

My mom sits down next to me, pulling me into her arms. This is the first time we have had a real adult conversation. Maybe I am growing up; maybe life's answer will fall into my lap eventually.

"Honey you really love him don't you?"

I nod. "I really do mom, but I can’t even tell him. I’m so afraid of losing myself in another relationship. I won't do that to myself again."

My mother concurs, like she knew all along that Harper and I were destined for disaster. "What do I do mom?" I plead like I'm five years old again.

"Honey, you're a smart intelligent beautiful girl, far wiser than a twenty-three year old should be. Listen to your heart honey, because in the end if your heart isn't 100% committed to your decision you will come to regret it." She makes it sound so simple: Listen to my heart.

My heart at the moment isn’t telling me anything as it is in denial, not wanting to be held liable for any decision it has to make. My heart has retired, it is beyond repair. But is that because Jasper and I have broken up, or is it because I know the decision I have made although painful, is the right one. I'm so confused, I feel adrift. I need a beacon of light to guide me through this dark tunnel of uncertainty.

"You will figure it out, I know you will make the right choice, whatever that may be, your father and I support you all the way. We are so proud of you Ava; you’ve got a big heart, use it to steer yourself in the right direction.”

I can't help it, the tears roll down my cheeks, tears of surrender. I lay my head in my mother’s lap and let the tears run freely. I've made my choice; I just hope it's the right one.

*****

After talking to mom about Singapore I feel better. I feel a little more settled that the choice I have made is the right one. It's right for me and that's important.

In a slightly better mood I head upstairs to check my emails. My mood spoils when I see a new email from Harper sitting in my inbox. I open it:

Hi bunny, I am so happy you replied. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness nor would I expect it from you. I was such an idiot for letting you go. You can't imagine how I wish I could take that back. Every day I mourn you. I miss you. I want you back Ava and I’ll do anything to make things right between us. Please give me a second chance. I'm sorry.

Yours forever, Harper xx

Oh my God! What the hell? I check through the email for fear that I have misread it, but it reads the same every time. I am stunned.

I was not expecting this. He wants me back? I must be living in a parallel universe because this Harper, this apologizing Harper is not the Harper I know. I sit contemplatively, what does this means? I can't over think things. I've decided to be impulsive and courageous so I reply without a second thought:

Harper,

I'm not your ‘bunny’ anymore. You gave up the right to call me such endearments when you broke up with me so tactfully (not)… I am not the same person I was 11 months ago Harper, I've changed and that change is for the better. I'm not the lost, voiceless Ava I once was, and I have you to thank. I'm not sorry you broke it off, I am grateful because I found myself, the real me. As for second chances, I doubt that'll happen in this lifetime but I can try for friendship. I have been offered a scholarship to CIA Singapore which I have accepted. I leave in 3 weeks maybe I’ll catch you around sometime.

A

I press send quickly before I regret my decision. I take a gulp of air and sigh. So this is what closure feels like. Why do I still feel so numb?

*****

Over the next few days Harper and I exchange emails. It isn’t as awkward as I once imagined it would be. We obviously can be civil to one another, on the basis however, that he understands nothing romantic will ever happen between us ever again. I have made that quite clear during our correspondence and surprisingly he is accepting of my terms. Maybe there was such a thing as turning over a new leaf. Either way, new leaf, tree or forest, I am keeping my wits about Harper. As I know he has the ability to sweet talk the devil!

We keep things light, old friends catching up. Harper has been promoted by his company to manage a smaller firm just outside of the Singapore CBD; he is achieving his dreams of working his way up the corporate ladder. He has moved into a bigger condo, which he gave me directions to, just in case I wanted to catch up when I was over there. I write them out on a scrap piece of paper and hide it in my CIA Singapore information folder out of sight from V’s prying eyes, who is still in the dark about me moving. I don’t know if I will ever go see Harper, but I write down the details anyway.

He has a dog named Charlie to keep him company, which I’m presuming is to make up for no girlfriend as there is no mention of one. I tell him about my life, school, work at ‘The Bean Bag,’ but I never divulge I have fallen head over heels in love, which recently ended in a fiery ball of pain. Speaking of the fiery ball, I still haven’t heard from him. It has been over two weeks and this hollowness is still as brutal as ever. I ask V not so subtly if Lucas has heard from Jasper. She said Jasper called Lucas to let him know he doesn’t know when or if he'll return to L.A. I know the reason for his indecision is me. How did we go from fiery passion to mild indifference?

*****

As the days drag on, my ache to contact Jasper becomes excruciating. I attempt to call him at least a dozen times but chicken out. How do I make him understand how sorry I am? How I fucked up. I want to beg him to give me another chance. But how can I ask that, when I'm leaving in a week’s time.

I know what I have to do because I don't want it to be goodbye; I want it to be hello, hello to a new beginning for us… together. I don't know if he would even consider a long distance relationship, but I have to try. It's better than the alternative.

I’m not that naïve, I know it's harder for the person staying behind than the one leaving, but I have to tell him. I was wrong not to fight for Jasper. He has given me everything and I’ve done nothing but give him a half-assed attempt at love. This time apart, no matter how angry I have been, has shown me that I want Jasper in my life.

Jasper offered to be my compass when I was lost and now I want to be his, direct him to me. I’ll tell him everything once and for all. My doubts, fears, hesitations, everything he needs to hear to give me a second or rather third chance. But most importantly, I’ll tell him what I should have told him a long time ago, that I love him. That he helped me heal when I thought I would never mend. That he showed me what strength and commitment was between two people. That he is everything to me and I can’t bear to go on if we don’t give this another chance. No holding back this time, we’re in this together entirely: mind, heart, body and soul.

*****

I have to go to the mall to get a few things for my trip, which is a good distraction to keep me busy. While out shopping I bump into Ben.

"Hey Ava, did you want to grab a coffee? Be good to catch up before you leave your partner for bigger and better things," he jokes. I haven't spoken to Ben outside of class after I punched Indie, but he doesn’t seem to hold any grudges so I agree. We grab our coffees and head to a booth.

"So you got much shopping left to do?" Ben asks nodding to my shopping bags.

"Nope all done thank God. I seem to forget there will be shops where I'm going." I laugh nervously. You could cut the tension with a knife and I am ready to do the cutting. "Ben I'm sorry I hit your girlfriend but she totally deserved it.”

There, I have addressed the big elephant in the room or in Indie’s case, the big cow.

Ben lets out a relieved breath. "Thank fuck you said something. I was too chicken and didn't know how to bring it up. I know she deserved it Ava. Indie is a heartless bitch. I'm glad you smacked her one, as I don't believe in hitting girls."

Wow this is news to me. "Then why are you with her?"

"I'm not; we broke up after she came back from Chicago."

"Why?" I'm going to regret this answer.

"Because she's in love with somebody else." He looks sadly at me.