I Surrender (23 page)

Chapter 32:

Gone But Never Forgotten

A
fter a teary goodbye, well teary on my behalf, I watch Jasper board his place while I gnaw on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crumbling into an emotional mess. When I can no longer see him, only then do I allow myself to break down. Airports have caused me nothing but heartache, and I decide the next time I am there, to pick up Jasper, I will end that sentiment and associate airports with new discoveries. We don’t mention Jasper’s declaration of love, and I don’t say it back as I don’t want to return something so important just because he said it first.

Jasper assures me before he leaves that time until will fly and he will be back in my arms before I know it, but I somehow doubt that. If the drive home is any indication of our separation, it's going to be a long, depressing lonely one. I can’t bear going home without him, so I sneak into his house with the spare key he has given me and spend the night in his bed, comforted by his smell.

*****

Now it’s bright and early and I am without Jasper. These two weeks are going to blow.

I quickly stop at home, collecting my school books and work clothes.

V is home from work and gives me a comforting hug when she sees me. "You look like you needed that. He'll be back before you know it and you can continue where you guys left off."

Her comment saddens me. "I'm really going to miss him. He told me he loved me last night."

V beams at me. "Oh Ava I'm so happy for you guys. It's been a rocky road, one I admit I had my doubts about, but seeing you two together, I'm almost jealous. "

"Jealous? You and Lucas are meant for one another," I reply startled by her revelations.

"I know, but what you and Jasper have, that runs deep. Not everyone is blessed with having that kind of connection with another person."

“I don't feel blessed all the time," I joke.

But V continues. "Everyone has their ups and downs in a relationship but when you two have your ups it's like no one else exists. You two are perfect for each other; you're a yin to his yang."

This conversation is not helping the ache in my chest. “I have never felt this way about anyone else, not even Harper. Feelings like this; I think only ever come once in a lifetime.”

V has tears in her eyes. "That's beautiful. Just remember who stuck by you when you're deciding on baby names." That strikes a chord with me. Will Jasper and I ever have children? I remember he told me his future with Indie didn’t end with white picket fences and kids. Was he referring to a future with her, or all future relationships? This was something we would have to discuss. However, before I start planning our wedding and future kids’ names I need to get over this two week separation.

*****

Ben and I are currently studying Asian cuisines. This part of the course is a component level to Asian dishes and I love it. It incorporates serving and evaluating traditional regional dishes of Asia. Living in Singapore I feel like I have an upper hand over my classmates, although I wish I knew about their food traditions before I lived there. Of course Harper convinced me not to bother with school, declaring I would never have to work a day with him supporting me.

School is the perfect distraction I desperately need. With all the new subjects we’re learning, the Jasper ache has dulled slightly, but never gone.

Today we are training on how to serve up traditional Chinese when Ben whispers, "You okay about indie and Jasper going back home together?"

What a way to shatter my afternoon.

"Yeah fine," I reply briefly.

“Well I'm not." Great, this conversation is not one I want to be having with Indie’s boyfriend, especially whilst trying to become skilled at perfecting Peking Duck!

"Why not?" I finally give in.

"Because Indie has been distant and seems pre occupied. She was packing a months’ worth of clothes and some were a little inappropriate for the occasion."

His comment stops my heart. "What do you mean inappropriate?"

“I’m probably just reading into things but she was packing all fancy underwear and nightwear. Am I just over reacting?"

I feel sick because I know Ben is not over reacting, Indie is up to something and that something is not good.

I merely shrug. “I’m sure you’re just over reacting Ben, you have to trust her.”

Ben snorts. “I don’t.”

“Then why the hell are you with her?” I snap. What is it with men going gaga over this woman?!

“Because deep down under that tough façade, I know she is a scared, lonely girl waiting for someone to love her.” I stare at him, is he blind? When I look at Indie, I most definitely do not see that. I see the queen bitch ordering her male minions around to please her. I just hope Jasper can see that too.

*****

Work is a daze, I have fluffed through my shift with universal replies and greetings to customers without giving away where my mind was. No points guessing to where, what and whom. What was Indie trying to achieve by packing all those barely there garments? Was she hoping a little grief would lead Jasper to cheat on me? I know him better than that I criticize myself. He told me he loves me for Pete’s sake. That means something right?

But it’s her I don't trust. I’m not there to stop her from flaunting her lady parts in his face and that thought scares me. I need to speak with him to put my silly overactive mind at ease.

Finally my shift ends and I drive back home depressed. By 8.30pm I have showered, eaten and attempted to study but I still haven't heard from Jasper. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that worries me. I would have called him the second I landed. I push those insecurities out of my mind and remind myself why he is there. His mom is sick and he also hasn't seen her in years, they are probably catching up.

I peer at the clock perched on my bedside table. Normally around this time I would be heading down to the shelter, God I miss him. V is right, we do have a special connection and we are damn lucky to have experienced such intensity in our lifetime. The spark was instant and has only grown, as have our affections for one another. I’m miserable and lonesome and decide the only way to get over the next two weeks is to sleep for the majority of it.

My phone startles me out if my daydream and I answer without looking who it is.

"God I've missed you!”

Goose pimples spread across my body in a matter of seconds. I look down at the screen to see Jasper is calling from a Chicago number. I'm so happy I trip over the debris littering my bedroom floor as I jump up from the edge of my bed in excitement.

“Hi, how are you? How was your flight? What’s the weather like? I miss you too.” It’s so good to hear him laughing at my obvious enthusiasm. How is it possible that that sound disentangles my bitter mood?

“I’m good, the flight was boring, I couldn’t wait to land. The weather is typical-windy. How are you?”

“I’m alright, work was boring, but school was fun. We learnt a modern twist on the traditional Peking duck in my Asian Food studies which was cool.” Enough with verbal diarrhea I scold myself ask him what’s important. “How’s your mom?”

Jasper is quiet and I hear him sigh quietly. “I’d rather talk about you and how much you’re missing me.” Jasper always jokes when he doesn’t want to confront something unpleasant.

“That bad?” I reply.

Again he sighs. “No it’s not bad, it’s just…awkward. I haven’t seen her for three years. She wants to be the perfect family and that doesn’t sit right with me.”

I understand his anxiety, it’s going to take a lot for his mom to win him back; if ever. I know this is not the right time to mention Indie, but it’s eating at me. “Where are you staying? Is um…Indie there?”

“I’m staying at a hotel, mom wanted me to stay with her and Ross but I just can’t. Indie is here, she’s at her mom’s.”

That’s it, he doesn’t elaborate. I don’t want to make this time about her but I can’t help it. “Will she be with you when your mom goes in for surgery?”

Jasper huffs in exhaustion or frustration. “I’m not sure baby, don’t worry about her okay. I am just counting down the days until I’m back home snuggled against that warm naked body of yours. I miss you so much and it’s only been a day. I’m not sure how I’m going to last another thirteen.”

I beam, he feels it too. “I know what you mean; it feels like a piece of me is missing with you gone.”

“I know the feeling,” is all he replies. “But I’ll be back soon and we’ll go back to driving each other crazy.” I laugh because it’s true; our love is passionate and capricious at the best of times.

“Okay. I wish you were here to kiss me goodnight.”

“Me too… I really didn’t anticipate this to be so tough. Ava I meant what I said…I love you.”

There is a lingering silence between us. Declaring my love for him for the first time, over the phone, with him being thousands of miles away, to console his sick mum was not how I envisioned it, so I stupidly don’t say anything at all.

Jasper quickly recovers. “Anyways I better go and unpack.”

I realize my lack of a reply may seem like the feeling is not reciprocal, so I try to make up for my lack of response. “Jasper…”

But he cuts me off. “Don’t worry about it Ava, I’m tired. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Miss you,” and the phone goes dead.

What the hell is wrong with me, why didn’t I just tell him I loved him too?

Chapter 33:

I Miss You

T
he next few days elapse painfully and Jasper has called me every day but we never mention the L bomb. I have tried to subtly drop hints about how I feel, but the time is never right to just blurt out I love you. When we speak it is mainly about his mom, she has had the surgery and is doing fine. However the doctors can’t put a timeframe on her recovery period.

Jasper fails to mention if he will indeed be returning home in the two weeks originally planned and I am too afraid to ask. So I throw myself into school, trying to ignore a nagging, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something is off, and I know when I discover what, it will break me in two. I am a pessimist by nature so I disregard this feeling as an overactive imagination. Ben has asked me constantly if I have heard from Jasper as he has not heard a single word from Indie since she left. I don’t know what that means, but it makes me ill at ease.

As if my week cannot get any worse I am called into the course coordinators office for a chat. I have no idea what this is regarding, and I really don’t like surprises. I am sitting in his office looking at the endless awards on his walls, this guy is a genius.

He clears his throat. “Ava you must be wondering what you’re doing here.”

“Yes Sir, I hope I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Oh no quite the opposite.” I scrunch up my face in confusion. “Judging by the baffled look on your face it seems you have no idea what this all about.” I only shake my head and shrug my shoulders.

“Ava you know how impressed your teachers have been with you since your return. You have a certain flare we look for in a student, one with exceptional talents like yours are not overlooked. Your teachers have become aware of your excellence and above average grades in your Cuisines of Asia studies. Every year, our school gets given the exciting opportunity for a student exchange. We would like to offer you a scholarship to study over at our Singapore campus for one year. In return a student from their campus will replace you and vice versa. This is a huge opportunity for you to study and work alongside the best chefs in Asia. We really think you’d do CIA proud and I hope you consider this offer seriously.”

I am gob smacked. This most definitely was not the reason I thought I would be sitting opposite Dean Chamberlin today. Singapore? That place holds so many bad memories for me; can it really provide me with a new positive start?

“I know this is a lot to take in but you have a month to decide. I will leave all the info with you and please don’t hesitate to contact any of your teachers with questions you may have.”

That felt like a dismissal so I stand shakily. “Thank you very much Mr. Chamberlin for this wonderful opportunity which I will think earnestly about.”

“Don’t take too long Ava; this is an opportunity of a lifetime. One many would kill to have. This will promote your name in the culinary world and provide you with a head start to advance in the tricky, selective industry.” He is right, but it’s just too much to take in and make an instant decision.

“I know Mr. Chamberlin and I am honored to be considered for such a life changing chance. I will have a read through the information and be in touch.” He nods and I let myself out.

I walk back to class in a state of bewilderment. Is this what that bleak feeling was? This fantastic life-altering opportunity. I should be jumping for joy and packing my bags this instant but I can’t. There are so many reasons, my friends, my family, work, Oscar but most importantly where does this leave Jasper and I? I can’t expect him to uproot to Singapore with me. I’ve made that mistake once; I won’t subject Jasper to the same fate.

Class passes by in a haze and I cannot imagine having to deal with taking mindless coffee orders with this huge decision weighing on me, so I call work making up some excuse as to why I have to miss my shift. I head home, in robot mode. How can something I should be so overjoyed about make me feel so sick inside? This is something I have been working towards, this is why I enrolled at CIA, to succeed and become a world class chef. But now, that doesn’t seem as important to me. My priorities have changed and I am afraid to admit that Jasper is the main precedence. It would madden him if he knew that I was passing up this opportunity because of him. But achieving this without him, it just isn’t worth it.

It’s my twenty-third birthday in a weeks’ time and this is the last thing I thought I would be considering before my birthday. I sit on my bed to check my emails. On occasion Jasper has sent me endearing animated cards declaring how much I am missed. I could do with one of those today.

I stare around my room lost in thought, what if I accept the offer, what will that mean for Jasper and I? Will he contemplate coming with me? Could I ask that of him? His whole life is here, he has made Los Angeles his home. A real home, where he feels safe. A home away from his horrible childhood memories. I can’t expect him to follow me half way across the globe to chase
my
dreams. I would never do that to him, I know how that feels first hand. Could I even return to Singapore without bad memories overwhelming me? I doubt I could succeed in a city that stole a piece of me, the memories were too cruel. But this is my dream presented to me on the proverbial Singapore platter.

My inbox chimes indicating I have mail. I open it cheerfully in belief it’s from Jasper. I was wrong. I was very very wrong.

My heart drops and I feel all the blood rushing from my face. If I wasn’t sitting I would have fallen into a heap. I click the email open, which has no title in the subject line. As I read those three little words, my reality is shattered into a million tiny fragments.

I MISS YOU…

The sender being the one and only…Harper Holden.