I Surrender (10 page)

“Are you blushing Ava?” Jasper asks, the corners of his mouth turned up. Correction, this just got a whole lot more uncomfortable.

“I am not.” I so am. I have never been good at hiding my emotions. I wish in this instance I could at least sound semi convincing.

I look at Jasper sitting on the couch, a booted foot tucked under his knee looking like a sex god in his tight ‘Budweiser’ t-shirt. All his muscles are on display and hypnotizing me with their firmness. Oh God I blush even harder when I think the word firm. Seriously, how old am I? Twelve!

“You so are. You’re adorable.” He snorts, laughing uncontrollably.

I cross my arms over my chest, bothered how immaturely I am reacting but I can’t help it. After our almost kiss, Jasper brings out my bashful side, especially when we can hear what is happening quite loudly upstairs.

“If you can’t talk about it Ava, then you shouldn’t be doing it,” winks Jasper detecting my thoughts.

“I’m not,” I retort before I can stop myself. Damn! Why did I say that, it came out all wrong.

He looks at me seriously for the first time and asks, “Why not?”

Did he just ask me why I am not currently having sex? My blush puts the brightest sunset to shame.

“Sorry I didn’t mean for it to come out so blunt,” he apologizes scratching his head with embarrassment. “I just meant you can, if you wanted.” O-Kay awkward!

Was Jasper giving me permission to sleep around if I wanted? This conversation was getting worse by the minute and to make matters even worse, V and Lucas were starting round two!

I clear my throat. “Um… thanks?” I phrase my comment as a question because I don’t really know how to respond. I look at Jasper who looks slightly uncomfortable for the first time. I don’t want there to be any embarrassment between us.

Friends talk about this stuff, and Jasper is my friend so I admit. “I have never been one to sleep around, Harper was my... um first so when I do… that again it’ll be with someone I care about. I don’t think I can ever be the one night stand kind of girl.” There, that wasn’t so bad. I exhale in relief that I phrased it the way I intended.

“That’s really noble Ava. You’ve got morals and I respect that. Not many people believe in monogamy anymore.” Jasper looks at me, his messy hair shadowing his eyes. He is gazing at me like I’m a riddle he can’t seem to solve. I think about his female friends and guess Indie wouldn’t know what monogamy was if it bitch slapped her in the face. Maybe I am abnormal and old fashioned with my relationship beliefs. Either way, I don’t care. This is who I am and I doubt my views on monogamy will ever change.

“I do. I won’t let one asshole ruin my chance of finding that with someone, someday.” I realize this is the first time I am openly discussing Harper with Jasper. When he asked me earlier about Harper, I jumped down his throat but now I am doing this for me. Saying the words aloud help me believe that one day I will get my happily ever after.

“Well that someone is a lucky sonofabitch”, Jasper replies with poise. I am stunned, and can’t help as my breath hitches in my throat. If I was to admit my feelings, I wanted that lucky sonofabitch to be him. And suddenly I want to kiss him like yesterday.

We sit facing each other motionlessly. I am too afraid to move. Jasper shifts closer, leaning slightly into me with his arm wrapped around the couch behind me. I am hyper aware of how close he is to me and I am engulfed with his fragrance, my mouth waters.

With a look on his face I recognize, my body warms suddenly and I bite the inside of my cheek in anticipation. He watches closely, trying to determine my reaction to us sitting so near, so intimately. He strokes my shoulder lightly with his fingertips and I shiver at the contact, spreading goose-pimples all over my body. He licks his bottom lip and moves even closer. This close to him, his fragrance punches me in the face and I gulp with desire.

Our faces are inches apart and I am still sitting submissively, too afraid to make the first move. Jasper rests his forehead against mine, inhaling softly. He slides his nose against mine, backwards and forwards and I take a steady breath before I pass out.

“You smell like Lilacs,” he whispers hoarsely, his mouth fluttering over my chin. He moves to my neck, his nose running over my skin, inhaling my scent. I detonate as the tip of his tongue sashays along my collarbone leisurely and whimper as he softly bites me on the jaw.

But before I can demand more, his tongue retreats and he begins kissing my cheeks delicately. I wish in this moment I looked nicer or had on more makeup. But under his passionate gaze I feel like a queen. His blue, tranquil eyes take in my searing face and he smirks sexily, his dimples clear as day.

“You look so beautiful looking at me with those big brown eyes.” His breathing is profound and a low noise escapes me as he passes his thumb along my bottom lip softly. I purr with desire and close my eyes unintentionally because the scene playing out before me is too much.

“Open your eyes,” Jasper whispers and I oblige. I take in this man before me, and gasp at what I see.

He is sitting before me, inches away from my face. His eyes are consumed with a blistering stare and he slowly leans in to kiss me and I am waiting with bated breath to feel his lips on mine.

“HOLY FUCKKKKK!!!” I hear screamed at an octave surely to burst an eardrum. I quickly pull back aware that the curtain has been closed on V and Lucas’ performance. What a way to shatter a moment between Jasper and I.

Jasper looks at me, biting his luscious bottom lip smirking. This is so unfair! Why does this always happen to me? Damn V, couldn’t she have held out a second longer!

Jasper laughs a deep throaty laugh, while I exhale an irritated breath.

“Looks like someone is well spent,” he grins hiding his smile behind his hand.

I flop back onto the couch slightly cheesed off and whisper, “Yeah well that makes one of us.”

Jasper is still smiling that annoying smile as I am plotting numerous ways to kill my best friend.

Chapter 16:

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I
don’t want to analyze why I have on my best black jeans and longish pink lace boob tube just to see ‘Passengers of Ego’ perform tonight. I tell myself as I curl my long hair the reason is because I enjoy their music. I tell myself as I apply my pink lip gloss to enhance my already full lips that I like hanging at the bar that has become our local retreat. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and see the face of a liar.

I was going to all this effort because of Jasper. After our almost kiss, I have been feeling self-conscious around him and want to look my best as I know Indie will be attending tonight. Staring at my reflection which three months ago was gazing back deflated, bruised and broken, it now looks almost healed, almost back to my former self, when I wasn’t so afraid to live. I have rose-colored cheeks and a sparkle is returning to my eyes. It’s dim, but it is there and that’s a start.

V whistles as I enter the kitchen. "Just friends yeah right."

I don’t question to whom she is referring to. After our talk, I endeavored to steer all topics away from Jasper. My best friend is too smart for her own good and I didn’t want to deal with some of the valid points she raised.

The cab drops us off two blocks from’ Little Sisters’. V is glowing as she always does when about to see Lucas. She looks like a total minx in a Dita Von Teese inspired outfit.

“You look hot by the way." She comments on my attire with a mischievous gleam.

I know what she is trying to imply so I grin sarcastically.

"Seriously Av, you are so much better now. If that's Jasper's doing, than whatever you guys are doing in your ‘friendship’ I'm happy. I just don't want you to get hurt. What kind of friend would not look out for her BFF?"

I just want to live in my world of denial where Jasper and I are friends; especially with Indie here tonight, I am already on edge.

I half smile. "I appreciate you looking out for me V, but everything is fine and no one is getting hurt."

She gives me an unconvinced look as we head into an extremely busy, filled to the brim ‘Little Sisters’. Wow even for a Saturday night this is busy. V and I head straight to the bar; I think she knows I need some Dutch Courage before I face Indie.

We both order two ‘Saint Balls’ to start the night and follow them with a Fruit Tingle cocktail. We down then enthusiastically; there much better.

Alcohol is my friend.

Suddenly I feel his eyes on me. I peer around swiftly and find his cerulean eyes locked with mine, accompanied with an amused grin. He is sitting at the end of the bar, nursing a beer. He looks extra attractive tonight with a white’ Little Sisters Bar’ t-shirt. Wow, white brings out the color of those drool worthy eyes and that tangled hair, it looks like he's had a tumble in the hay minutes prior. I cringe jealously not wanting to think about him tumbling anywhere or with anyone especially not Indie.

His curious smile brings me back to earth as he waves. I grin timidly and wave back with my pointer finger. Across the room of hundreds of people I feel like it’s only us. Like no one else exists, that feeling is surreal and daunting. The sexual chemistry winds me and I take a steady breath.

However, that breath gets knocked out of me when Indie shatters my trance like stare. She kisses Jasper hard on his sinful lips, adding tongue just in case I didn't understand her claim on him. I can see he is taken aback and hesitates to return the affection. But as she shoves her manicured fingers into his wild hair forcing his mouth to hers to deepen the kiss, he surrenders.

I am shell shocked! So much for not seeing her anymore.

My heart drops into my stomach along with my cocktail. Suddenly, feeling nauseous I make a bolt for the bathroom, my hand covering my mouth to stop myself from being sick. Barely making it in time I push open the stall door and lose my drinks, which don't taste as nice coming back up as they do going down. Taking a steady breath I flush the toilet and shudder in dejection. What the fuck just happened?

I wash my hands and splash some water on my cheeks, trying to calm down. I look at my reflection and sneer at myself, so much for being happy with the reflection staring back at me.

"Ava are you okay?" V asks frantically running into the bathroom.

Seeing me braced over the basin she knows the answer. "We were talking, you and Jasper did your weird stare thing where no else exists, then when you saw Indies’ pissing contest you looked like you were going to puke up your cocktail. Its Indie isn't it? Her and Jasper have upset you?"

I wanted to lie because the truth was too painful to confess but it was pointless lying. No point being dishonest with V and more importantly with myself.

"Yes it was Indie. But it was Jasper's reaction to her. I can deal with her kissing him to prove a point to me, but he kissed her back. He told me they weren’t seeing each other anymore but that’s obviously untrue. I have no right to be mad but I am. He lied to me." I sigh depressed and doubt I can go back out there to face him.

V nods understanding my sudden dash to the bathroom as she predicted this happening all along.

"I feel so stupid V. I tried pretending there is nothing between us, but seeing him kiss her that way makes me physically ill. What does that mean? I'm attracted to him but is it only physical?” I’m too afraid to admit that the attraction I feel for Jasper is something more than just being attracted to his good looks. I am afraid of making myself emotionally available to him.

“I can't tell you that babe, but I see the way you guys are around each other. Those guarded glances you give one another when you think no one is looking. It's mutual. I think he's in the same position as you. Stop being so stubborn and punishing yourself for having feelings for him. Have you spoken to him about it?"

I scoff, "No. What am I meant to say? I'm scared it'll ruin our friendship. I won't risk our friendship if it’s just a physical attraction.” I am so perplexed and scared of my feelings for Jasper.

V tucks a stray hair behind my ear trying to console me, but I feel like I am an inconsolable mess at the moment.

Her beautiful hazel eyes assess me cautiously. "Be honest with yourself Ava. Do you think it's just physical or can you see something more happening?" I look at her guiltily. I don't need to reply, we both know the answer.

“Then tell him Ava." V huffs in frustration while I recoil thinking how that conversation will go down.

If I had anything left to throw up I would have. The thought of telling Jasper I have feelings for him is terrifying. But V is right; I have to tell him as I can’t go on like this. I am going to end up in a padded cell otherwise.

I just don't know how to blurt it out. What is the right protocol for a situation like this?

"You're right. I just don't know how or when.” I look at my best friend, searching her face for the answers I seek.

“I don't think there is ever a right time to tell someone you have feelings for them. You and Jasper, you discuss everything, don't let this be any different." V hugs me and I feel better.

My friend is so clever and totally right. "Okay I’ll do it when it feels right," I mumble into her shoulder.

V pulls me back to look into her knowledgeable eyes. "It’ll never feel right; you will find every excuse why it's not the right time. Do it sooner rather than later that's my advice. Now get your ass out there, no time like the present.”

With that she drags me out to face the music, literally as ‘Passengers of Ego’ have started. I watch V smile and wave lovingly at Lucas, her official boyfriend of two months. Their love looks so simple, so easy. My eyes drift up to Jasper who is lost in his music. I am so mad and confused right now.

He told me he and Indie were over, what the hell was that back there then? If they are still friends and just saying hello, then I got the short end of the friendship stick as he never kisses me hello that way…or at all! On that note, I need a drink or maybe ten.

The bar is packed and the line is endless. While I am waiting in queue for my drink, I make a conscious effort not to watch Jasper as his husky voice alone is enough to get me panting. Seeing him will be a whole different story as I am barely holding on.

Finally, it's my turn to be served and I cheer internally, at long last I can drown my sorrows. I order a ‘Tequila Sunrise’ and two fancy shots that cost way too much, but the alcoholic content makes up for the steep price. I reach into my bag searching for my purse but it’s not there. I know I haven't left it at home as I paid for my drinks earlier.

I apologize to the annoyed bartender and patrons who are giving me severe stink eye. After a minute of futile searching, my hunt has come up empty and I am seriously contemplating emptying my belongings on the bar. I really need a drink but I guess I will have to go find V or my wallet. Giving up, I mumble an apology to the customers and turn to leave but I see a hand pass the bartender a hundred dollar note. I look over at the mysterious saint, the mysterious
handsome
saint. My eyes take in his blue jeans, white shirt and brown shaggy hair. "Let me get that for you,” he grins broadly and I melt. Seriously, James Franco could be his twin!

"No I can't let you do that." I stammer bowled over by his kindness.

The bartender has other ideas handing my mystery saint his change and moving onto the next thirsty patron.

"Too late," he shouts loudly and salutes me with his drink.

"Thank you. That was really nice of you." I look over shyly while attempting to move my drinks out of the way so people behind me can place their order.

"Don't mention it. You looked like you needed a drink." I hear his South African accent. He's definitely attractive and thoughtful. This is the kind of guy you need to fall for, I scold myself.

I am trying but failing miserably in moving my three drinks without spilling them all over my hands. So I do what any reasonable person would, I throw back a shot while making a pained face as it burns my throat. My mysterious saint is looking at me, shaking his head laughing at my reaction to the potent beverage.

"Would you have a drink with me?" He timidly asks. Whoa did I hear him correctly. Judging by his nervous reaction I heard accurately.

I’m not sure if it’s the twenty two dollar shot talking but I reply quickly, "Sure why not.” He smirks and helps carry my drinks over to a table with two bar stools. I sit with my back facing the stage as I can't confront Jasper while consorting with another. I am ridiculous!

“So what’s your name?” I shout over Jasper singing. I try to ignore the stab of guilt I feel for having a drink with this stranger.

“My name is Brandon. I’ve been in America for three years. I am originally from South Africa if you couldn’t tell,” he smirks referring to his strong accent.

“It’s a pleasure meeting you Brandon. I’m Ava.” I extend my hand over the table at him and he grips it gently. The contact is light and warm, but it certainly doesn’t send me into a spiral of desire like someone else I am trying hard not to think about.

“What brings you to America?” I ask quickly, trying to drown out Jasper. He isn’t even at the table and I can’t escape him.

“I’m studying economics at the University of California; I’m in my second year.” I study his handsome, rugged face. That would mean he is about my age, I should be trying everything to get to know him better but deep down I can’t stop thinking about Jasper. And it doesn’t help that his hoarse voice is blaring over the speakers reminding me of his presence.

I gulp down my Tequila, hoping to get ridiculously drunk in record time. I want to kill some brain cells, hopefully the ones that constantly remind me about Jasper.

Brandon smirks, taking a sip of his drink. I can’t even tell if he is drinking alcohol, as his beverage is brown. Could be straight coke or coke with rum or coke with bourbon or whatever and I am so failing at being good company right now. I peer up at Brandon who is taking me in quietly and I take a deep breath. I can do this; it’s just a drink with a handsome stranger.

“Can I get you another drink?” Brandon asks, nodding his head towards my empty glasses.

I look at him sheepishly. “I will totally pay you back. I need to find my friend or my wallet. Whatever I find first I promise paying you back is my first priority. Cross my heart.” I hold up my hand and cross my heart cutely. Brandon snorts a laugh, and I giggle a little intoxicated.

“Don’t worry about it; you can pay me back by having another drink with me.” He winks at me over his shoulder as he heads to the bar. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and I don’t know if I am nervous because I am in the company of a polite, not to mention hot guy or if someone else who is currently singing about hidden desires is the cause of my trepidation. Either way I am going to enjoy myself and forget the galloping of my heart.

*****

I like Brandon. He makes me laugh, and I feel at ease with him. We chat about everything: what I did at Culinary School and I convince him that it isn’t just a fancy title for being a chef. He explains what growing up in South Africa was like and why he left. He has three brothers and two sisters. Being an only child I cannot even begin to understand what it would be like having such a large family.

It turns out Brandon’s brown drink is a bourbon and coke which I tasted on several occasions. This is very uncharacteristic of me because I normally hate bourbon. He teases me throughout the evening calling me soft, but I blame my inebriated state on the potent shots he keeps feeding me. I have had more than I can count and my vision is a little blurry, but I am not totally shit-faced; yet.

It might be my beer (tequila) goggles, but Brandon is looking hotter as the night progresses. But could I really make out with the hot, emerald eyed South African sitting with me? I heave a sigh at the answer. He may be all the things I should be looking for in a mate, but his emerald eyes are not the eyes I want.

I shake off these depressing thoughts because Brandon is making me giggle while telling me a story of a cheeky monkey back home that stalked his town. I am having a ball and the alcohol is really helping me unwind. I've totally lost track of time engrossed in his storytelling and it's not until I hear a barstool scraping across the floor I am very aware of the time: its Jasper time.