I Surrender (11 page)

Positioning the barstool to my left, Jasper looks at us with an unreadable glare. This near to him, he smells like cigarettes mixed with gum that he is currently chewing, and I am suddenly panting in need. Being close to Jasper is a heady aphrodisiac or it could be all the booze I tossed down quickly. As he works that gum between his immoral lips I know it’s him. It’s all Jasper.

I visibly swallow as the hard look he is throwing me is one of absolute possession and anger. But I am stunned. Why is he mad at me? Judging by the way he's glaring at Brandon, it has something to do with him. Is he…jealous? That’s just ludicrous; he was the one all but sexing Indie on this very same dance floor an hour ago.

This situation is suffocating, and my shoulder is brushing Brandon’s. I peer down and realize Brandon has his hand resting lightly on my leg which makes me wonder, when did I get so close to basically be sitting in his lap. This is why I shouldn’t drink unsupervised. But why should I care if I am sitting in his or anyone else’s lap? I take in Jasper’s enraged expression; yeah that’s the reason why.

I look over at him nervously because I cannot gauge his reaction to this situation. The space between us is mere centimeters and this close to him; his even breath hits me squarely in the face. His nostrils are flaring and his jaw is clenching. Why does this look make me want him more? Is it because I know I am the cause of this possessiveness?

“Having fun?” he whispers leaning in close, his hair tickling the side of my face. I don’t know how to respond. I can feel the rage seeping out of his pores and again I am so turned on. I dare not move, and I sit immobile licking my bottom lip nervously.

I can feel him leaning into my neck, nuzzling me insistently, and I let out a deep steady breath before I pass out. I am staring straight ahead, too afraid to meet Jasper’s hungry gaze.

Brandon snaps me out of my erotic dream as he awkwardly reaches his hand around my front to offer a hello in the form of a handshake to Jasper, who looks at it appalled.

“Hi I’m Brandon, great show man,” he offers uncomfortably to Jasper. Being stuck in the middle of Jasper and Brandon is as uncomfortable as it sounds and I feel dizzy.

Jasper is being rude, my rational side pipes up. Who gives a damn; he’s jealous, my harlot side whispers. I am so uncertain on how to behave right now, but my rational side finally wins out as I see the way Jasper is looking at Brandon. Like a predator, his eyes are narrowed in unspoken challenge. And that pisses me off. I am not a piece of meat they can fight over, this is not the jungle my inner self screams!

I shake my head and decide attempting to diffuse the situation is the best option for everyone. I can see Brandon still has his hand extended towards Jasper to shake. But Jasper rudely slaps his hand away and pulls on my upper arm shoving me off the barstool.

“I need to talk to you in private.” He snarls in my ear, his tone incensed.

What the hell? He takes me by surprise, and as I am half off the barstool the alcohol hits me and I almost fall flat on my face. Both Jasper and Brandon lunge to stop my descent, but Jasper is there first. I feel like a damsel in distress and really wish I didn’t.

Jasper’s voice is hard and I am shocked at the venom behind his words. “I’ve got her. Keep your hands to yourself!”

Brandon raises his hands in defeat, he doesn’t want to fight. He looks over at me with a confused look and I shrug to match his puzzlement. Why is Jasper behaving so unrestrained? I look at him; his disheveled hair is sticking out in angry peaks matching his mood. His usual calm, blue eyes are filled with fury and I am afraid to see that anger detonate.

Jasper is pulling my arm away from Brandon towards him, but I am still half-sitting, half-standing and have no balance. I feel like a child being reprimanded by their parent. This is not cool. How dare he treat me like this. I am not his to boss around. And even if we were together, I would not stand for this obvious testosterone filled performance.

Shaking his hand violently off my arm I yell, “Let me go Jasper! Stop treating me like I’m a child.” However, I didn’t realize how tight his vise like grip is and my efforts are fruitless.

“Then stop acting like one,” he yells back, glaring at me sharply. Luckily the noise in the bar is loud; no one seems to notice our heated exchange.

I should diffuse the situation but I am beside myself and shaking with rage. I slowly stand trying to put some space between Jasper and I but his fingers won’t budge from my arm. He pulls me towards him and we are standing inches apart, our faces nearly touching. This close to him, his smell is enhanced to a zillion percent and I shake my head to clear my thoughts because I won’t allow his hotness to sway me from backing down.

I jam my finger into his firm chest and question, “How am I acting like a child? We were just having a drink. Not that it’s any of your business.” Probably not the best thing to say considering I was basically giving Brandon his own private lap dance before Jasper interrupted us. But that was not the issue here.

He looks overwhelmed and tips his head towards the ceiling letting out a sarcastic laugh. As he turns those blue, infuriated eyes towards me I gasp. “If you call that,” he says flicking his fingers towards the offending table I was sitting at, “just a drink, then I must be blind. But I’m pretty certain me and everyone in here can vouch for the fact you were practically riding his lap!” Jasper forces his hand through his hair, gripping it tightly in frustration.

I am hurt that Jasper would imply such a thing. Yes, to outsiders it would look that way but it was harmless.

But I can’t let this slide as he isn’t exactly innocent. “Excuse me? You’re not fucking serious are you? You were the one shoving your tongue down Indie’s throat earlier!” I glare at him and raise an eyebrow, challenging him to explain himself.

Jasper leans down, peering profoundly into my eyes. “That’s because she’s my girlfriend.”

His words feel like a sharp slap to my face and I know that was his intention. I gasp and take a small step away from him; he can see the hurt in my eyes. I can tell he is instantly regretful for his comment; I on the other hand want him and his ‘girlfriend’ to go to hell!

I muster all the fight I have left in me and snarl on the verge of tears, “Girlfriend? Oh so she’s your
girlfriend
now? Well you and YOUR girlfriend go have a nice life!”

I attempt to storm off but he still has his hand around my bicep firmly. Damn, there goes my smooth exit. His thumb is rubbing my upper arm softly, in attempts to calm me down. He knows he has wounded me deeply with his girlfriend comment. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why the fuck I said that. Please, please forgive me.”

But it’s too late; I need to get out of here as I can feel the heavy stream of tears building.

“Let me go!”I am biting the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying and shaking my arm violently to break out of his grip. It’s ineffective as Jasper pulls me towards him and I am pressed against his chiseled front. We are staring at each other, our faces inches apart. I can see the remorse in his eyes, and he is breathing deeply trying to calm himself down.

There are no words to convey in this moment as we are both impassioned and wretched.

Brandon decides to step in stupidly as Jasper and I are locked in a death stare. “Hey man let her go okay, you’re hurting her.”

I look down at my arm as his words register that Jasper’s fingertips are pinching into me. I doubt he realizes how forcefully he’s holding on me. Actually I know he doesn’t realize because he loosens his grip instantly, but he never let’s go. He knows if he does, I will be out of here in a heartbeat.

Brandon latches onto my arm, attempting to pull me towards him, I feel like a freakin’ ragdoll.

Jasper can feel my apprehension and says to Brandon, “Back off and leave her alone.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, overcome with emotion. His look is enough to calm me and I take two steadying breaths.

“No, let her go!” Brandon snarls and forcibly pulls me towards him. I stumble and feel Brandon’s hands secure around my waist. I don’t need rescuing and I attempt to break free from Brandon’s hands as they feel so wrong on me.

I shrug him off me and before I can process another thought, Jasper launches forward and punches Brandon in the face. Then it’s like everything is in slow motion. I see Brandon fall backwards onto some inquisitive patrons and Jasper dives head first to continue his assault. Jasper hits him repeatedly and Brandon drops to the ground with an audible thud.

I stare traumatized at the sight of Jasper beating Brandon. He looks so fierce; a feral look is his eyes as his fists are raised high in the air, connecting with Brandon’s face rapidly. As I hear the sickening thuds of Jasper’s fists pounding into Brandon, I know I have to stop him. But by the time I can unfreeze myself, Brandon has flipped Jasper over and is punching him over and over again into his beautiful face. Now the sickening thuds belong to Jasper being beaten into a bloody pulp. I can’t stand here and watch this happening and I mentally slap myself to stop this now.

I scream for Brandon to stop hurting Jasper but it falls on deaf ears. I look down at Jasper who is lying still, not fighting back; he is accepting his punishment, like he deserves it. He looks up at me sadly, and I know he indeed feels his beating is justified.

I process everything that has happened and nothing merits this kind of abuse. I can’t let this continue a second longer.

I shriek at the top of my lungs. “LEAVE HIM ALONE!!”

Brandon stills, looking up at me like I’m a raving banshee and backs off slowly hands up, bloody palms facing me in surrender.

I run over to Jasper and all my anger fades when I see the state he is in. He is bleeding from his nose and a deep gash on his chin is pouring blood, I think he will need stitches. One beautiful eye has swelled and my heart breaks. I bend down to tend to his wounds, but he turns his face away.

“No I don’t deserve your sympathy. You shouldn’t have stopped him.”

It pains me to see him so miserable. “Are you crazy? He would have killed you!”

“Good,” he replies while looking anywhere but at me. I feel helpless so I search hysterically in my bag for tissues to stop the bleeding. He keeps pulling away as I attempt to assess the damage Brandon caused, but I stubbornly grasp his face and turn him towards me.

“Let me help you, you’re bleeding badly.” I search his eyes desperately, but he bites his bloodied lip and shakes his head.

Lucas, V and Andy run over to see what all the commotion is. As V sees me crouched over Jasper she gasps and yells, “What did he do to you?!” Lucas latches onto her arm to stop her from finishing what Brandon started.

“Nothing V he did nothing, it was all just a misunderstanding.” I look up at her, eyes wide trying to calm her down.

“Bullshit!” V screams looking at Jasper ready to pounce if he has so much touched a hair on my head.

“V calm down,” coos Lucas. “Everything okay man?” he asks Jasper who only miserably nods, eyes shut tight.

I run my hand across his forehead, gently brushing away his sweaty hair that is plastered to his head. “Get up, you’re lying on a dirty floor, with God knows what spilt on it. Let me clean you up.”

“No,” is the only response he stubbornly gives. I can tell by the hard resolve of his chin he won’t listen to reason.

I bend down so no one can hear me whisper into his ear, “You have nothing to be sorry for Jasper.”

He turns to look at me, his eyes are tortured and my heart hitches in my throat. “I hurt you. I fucking put my hands on you and I had no right.” Jasper looks so hurt and angry but I can’t back off. I have to reassure him I’m not mad at him.

“It’s okay,” I emphasize because it really was.

“No it most definitely is not okay,” he spits finally getting up and limping outside. I attempt to follow him but V grabs my arm. I wish everyone would stop touching me!

“Did he hurt you?” she sneers looking at the door Jasper just exited. The door I should be following him through to make sure he is okay.

“No V I told you it was all a misunderstanding.” I reply quickly, trying to make a mad dash towards the door, but she stops me with her stern look.

“You better not be making excuses for him. Sort your shit out, Ava. Do yourself a favor okay because this is unhealthy for everyone.”

She’s right. Again.

Chapter 17:

Fireworks

A
fter I calmed V down and assured her for the hundredth time Jasper did not hurt me, I finally make an escape and see Jasper seated on a hidden bench in the park across the road. He looks so deflated, head hung low in his cradled hands. I approach him like I would a wounded animal, slow and steady. He must hear my rapid breathing as he raises his head to look who it is; God his face is a mess.

When he sees it’s me, he runs his hands through his hair irritated. Closing his eyes he whispers, “Go back inside Ava, I am no one you want to be around right now.”

I stop a few feet away from him, my heart stinging at his words. “Why are you so angry at me? What have I done?”

He looks up at me and I see he has wiped the majority of blood off his face, but the deep purple bruising is starting to materialize everywhere. “Don’t you get it, I’m angry at myself, not you. You’ve done nothing wrong, it’s all me.”

I remain silent but take a cautious seat on the bench as far away as I can without falling off. I can’t sit here in silence; I need to find out what happened back at the bar.

“Wh… why did you get so mad when you saw me with that guy?” I stutter peering over at him as he continues to pull his hair into disarray.

“Because I am a fucking idiot, that’s why,” he replies rubbing his temples.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” I am like a dog at a bone and I won’t let this slide. I can’t.

Jasper looks at me and takes a solid breath. “Because I was jealous.”

My eyes open in disbelief as hearing him admit his jealously is difficult to process.

“Why?” I probe quietly, afraid of his answer.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he asks giving me a heartbreaking smile. I shake my head; I need to hear him say it.

“Because of what you make me feel in here,” he says pointing to his heart. “I can’t control it and it scares me. I don’t understand these feelings I have for you. They are irrational, and when I saw you with that guy, with his hands on you, that feeling turned to rage.”

“Rage? Why?” I am surprised I am able to talk right now.

“Because he was making you laugh and smile and I wanted to be him.” I stare at him; the emotions I feel cannot be expressed into words.

He looks over at me cautiously. “Ava, I’m falling for you. I don’t normally do that. It’s not something that has happened to me before. I distance myself from people, I always have. But then you came into my life and it was like you opened my eyes to everything. I know you don’t want a relationship because you are still trying to find your feet, and I am trying so hard to respect your decision but these feelings you evoke in me, they leave me breathless. I can’t stop myself; I have no control when I am around you.”

I sit wordlessly, how can I respond to that? I feel a tear caress my cheek, I am speechless. Who would have thought Jasper getting beaten to a bloody pulp would have ended this way.

After a moment of silence Jasper whispers, “Please tell me you feel the same way?” He looks at me pleadingly after revealing his feelings.

But still I cannot speak. I just sit and stare at this beautiful creature before me, even covered in bruises and dried blood. He has the most frightened look in his eyes, like he’s afraid his confession is not reciprocated.

He stands up quickly, and looks down at me sadly. “I was stupid to think you felt the same. I am nothing.”

He turns to leave my stunned, mute form. I am scared to confess the truth to him. What if we give this a go and it goes south? What if he leaves a big gaping hole in my chest, how am I to ever recover from that again, but then I recall all the times he’s made me smile and laugh. How being with him has made me feel whole again. Then I realize Jasper has helped me without even knowing how much he has healed me. He has helped me become human again. I can’t let him leave like this. I have to get over my fear of being hurt again, because this pain of Jasper walking away from me is worse than Harper breaking my heart. He said he is nothing, he is so wrong. He is everything.

“WAIT!” I yell chasing after him.

He turns with haunted eyes and tears are falling freely down my cheeks. He looks taken aback, like he wasn’t expecting me to follow him.

I take a deep courageous breath. “You’re everything. You leave me speechless. I don’t know what this is between us, but I feel it too.” I exhale in relief as it wasn’t so scary saying that aloud. Jaspers’ reaction to my confession is another story.

He walks towards me slowly and rests his shaking hand on my cheek, his thumb wiping away my tears. We look intently at one another and my heart drops into my stomach. I reach up doing what I’ve wanted to do the first moment I met him. I grab fistfuls of his messy hair pulling his head towards mine, resting our foreheads together. He is wiping away my flood of tears while my body is totally awakened being this close to him.

Everything in this moment is heightened, the smell of him, his harsh breath on my face and the thumping of my heart. This is Jasper, being vulnerable and in this moment I realize I have healed him as much as he has healed me. I have showed him that it’s okay to let someone in.

Inching his lips towards mine, I have no more apprehensions, no more what ifs. He stops millimeters away, asking me to meet him half way and I do. I close that gap that has been between us for months and we kiss finally.

It’s just as predicated; I hear, feel, see and taste fireworks. Jasper gently places a hand on my lower back while the other sweeps up into my hair running it lightly through my curls. His hand descends to my ear and strokes it softly, and I can’t help but whimper. His caress is so tender; I can feel his emotions through his kiss. They are telling me without a word.

I can’t get close enough to him, so I push my body into his so we are pressed chest to chest, but it’s not close enough. He increases the tempo of the kiss, slowly gliding his tongue into my mouth and I let out a soft moan. I feel him smirking under my mouth as he nips my lip softly. I can’t help myself and stand on tippy toes, angling my head for better access to his tempting mouth and then the fireworks can be heard three states over.

We kiss passionately with Jaspers’ hand caressing the back of my neck, and the other touching my face, my hair, my jaw, never breaking contact. Jasper dips his head when the height difference grows because I can no longer hold myself up on my toes to meet his lips. He lifts me effortlessly with one arm so I am higher and he can deepen the kiss further. I wrap my hands around the back of his neck, feeling his soft hair curl under my fingertips.

He holds me like I weigh nothing and in his strong arms I feel tiny. I hear his breath hitch slightly and I know he is as into this as me, but I need more. And judging by the way he’s intensifying the kiss, our needs are on the same wavelength. I stupidly bite his lip a little too forcibly and he suddenly pulls away wincing in pain. Oops totally forgot he is the walking wounded. I miss his warmth already.

He sets me to my feet but doesn’t let go thankfully as I would have collapsed into a ball of goo. The height difference would be vast if I wasn’t in heels, but the way Jasper is undressing me with his eyes I feel like a giant.

“Sorry,” I mumble embarrassed as I see him tonguing his lip. Luckily I didn’t draw blood.

He chuckles, “Sorry for what? You most definitely have nothing to be sorry about. I should be thanking you.” I peek up at him from under my lashes, feeling a blush creep up my neck.

“What is it about you? You make me feel like a better man.” Jasper says seriously, clutching my hand softly.

I turn to look up at him. How can he think he is not a good person? “You are a good man Jasper.”

He smiles at me; the emotion in his eyes evident. Lifting my chin towards his mouth he places a soft kiss onto my greedy lips. He pulls away too quickly and laughs at my disappointed expression. I can’t help it. After tasting Jasper I want more. More. More.

“So where do we take this?” he asks peering into my eyes, searching my face for answers.

I shrug shyly; I know where I want this to go. “Where do you want to take it?”

He smirks and I squirm as I know where his thoughts are headed. He senses my embarrassment and softly cradles my face in his hands like I am a baby bird. “Ava we will take this wherever, however you want it to go. I am here for the ride and at the moment, I don’t want to get off. I want to hold your hand and follow you. I will follow you wherever you want to go. You decide what path we take, I’m your passenger. “

This man blows my mind and again I am speechless.

One thought however ruins the moment. “Indie,” I whisper, “I won’t do this with you, whatever it is if you’re seeing someone else.”

“I know,” he nods firmly. “I will tell her it’s over between us and I mean it this time. I’m not going to pretend that she will understand because she won’t. She’ll bitch and moan but eventually she’ll get over it and move onto the next guy.”

He pulls me back into a tight embrace. “I promise she won’t be an issue between us. If we’re going to try this, we have to do it right.”

I stare up at him and he rewards me with an infectious smile. “What?”

“Did you know this would happen? When we first met?”

Jasper smirks, those blue eyes hiding an unknown secret. “Ava, I told you. I get what I want…And I want you.”

Well God Damn.

*****

I rouse the next morning when I feel a pair of eyes willing me awake. I crack open an eye and see V sitting on my bed, arms crossed angrily over her chest. I pretend to go back to sleep, maybe she didn’t see me wake up.

“Don’t even think about it,” she says abruptly. I haven’t even been awake for thirty seconds and she’s grilling me. Talk about unfair.

“What the hell went down last night?” I crane my head back, staring at the ceiling. What went down was Jasper and I shared the most mind-blowing kiss known to mankind. Just thinking about it, leaves me panting in eagerness for a repeat performance.

“You two kissed!” V leaps off my bed, pointing her finger at me. Am I that obvious?

“Don’t even answer that, it’s written all over your face. How did you guys go from Jasper looking like he went ten rounds with Mike Tyson to you blinding me with that despicably happy grin?” I reach for my lips, remembering the feel of Jaspers mouth on mine. It was nothing short of amazing and I would be dishonest with myself if I didn’t confess I wanted to do it again. And again. But it wasn’t only the physical response that has me reeling, it was his words. The honesty and the sincerity in them have melted my heart. Where does that leave me? Screwed… that’s where.

I am loosely aware of V snapping her fingers in front of my face to get my attention. “Earth to Ava!” I shake my head and throw my friend a dazed look.

“Holy shit, you’ve got it bad!” Her comment snaps me out of my daydream. Is she right? It was never my intention to have it ‘bad’ for anyone after Harper, but Jasper is not just anyone. In your lifetime, there are a small handful of people you’ll meet and have an instant connection with. You may read about it or watch it play out on TV, but actually experiencing it, that’s a whole different story. No movie or book can prepare you for that feeling of completeness with another. I was never a believer in kismet, but meeting Jasper White has altered that belief. Suffering the loss of Harper is something I will never fully recover from, but what if it was my destiny to experience that defeat to become victorious? What if Jasper is my victory prize?

It’s way too early for these philosophic thoughts, and I am not ready to face them just yet. I don’t even know what this means for Jasper and I. We kissed, but that doesn’t indicate he wants to be my boyfriend.

The word boyfriend and Jasper in the same sentence knocks the winds out of my sails. I really need to talk to him before I go planning our future wedding!

“Ava, are you even listening to me?”

V throws my stuffed pig Harrison at me. I catch my beloved toy that I’ve had since I was five and shake my head. “No.”

No point lying.

V looks at me and lets out a sigh. “Well you should. There’s no smoke without fire,” she replies plainly.

“What? Are you trying to say I’m a pyromaniac?” I half smile but I know where she is headed with this. She raises an eyebrow mockingly at me and I heave a sigh. “Yes okay enough with the third degree. I get it loud and clear.”

“Just be careful that’s all I’m saying. The way you guys were last night that shit turns into crazy love. I just want you to be sure this is what you want.”

“You were totally Team Jasper last night, cheering me on, encouraging me to tell him how I feel.”

“That’s not what I’m saying Av. I just want you be careful okay. I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.” Before I can question what exactly about Jasper and I being together would result in me getting hurt, the doorbell chimes.

V smirks and pulls me in for a quick hug. “Saved by the bell missy.”

She heads downstairs while I make a short trip to the bathroom. I have a brief shower, the water clearing my head. V is right; I do need to be careful with Jasper. Not because I think he will break my heart, but because I think I might break his heart unintentionally. I still harbor all this Harper baggage which weighs me down with silly insecurities. I need to take this slow and steady.

Wrapping a big white fluffy towel around my torso I wash my face and brush my teeth and feel like I am ready to face the world. I step out into my room and realize I am not
that
ready as I come face to face with Jasper sitting on the edge of my bed, legs crossed at the ankles comfortably.

I let out a small yelp while crossing my legs and pulling down the towel to cover my bits and pieces. Jasper gives me a look filled with mischief and I really wish I wasn’t standing here in a towel.

“Hi,” he smirks, his left dimple on show. His face is battered and bruised but not as bad I thought he would be. He has a small white strip taped under his chin, and his eye looks slightly swollen with a small cut above it. I feel awful that he looks this way because of me.