I Surrender (15 page)

I look up at him guiltily. “I’m sorry.”

“Please stop apologizing.” He is giving nothing away but I can see him mull over his next question and I suddenly feel sick.

“Is it always going to be him?” he asks dejectedly, pulling his hair in frustration.

“What?” I can barely speak. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I’m afraid to continue this conversation.

“Will Harper always be the wedge between us? Are you still in love with him?” He spins around to determine my reaction.

“What?” I say aghast. “No, of course not. How can you even ask me that?” I suddenly feel nauseous because I knew this talk was imminent.

“Because I always feel second best. I am trying to give you everything but I feel it’s not good enough for you. What more can I do? I am trying my best but you just throw it back in my face.” Jaspers comment punches me in the guts, and I feel a heat creep up into my face.

“How dare you.” I lunge off the bed to get dressed, as I suddenly feel very naked in front of him.

“I am trying. You have no idea what it was like when I came back home. I was broken and the thought of facing another day alone, without him was like getting my heart broken all over again.” I am fumbling with my zipper, my hands shaking in anger and an unexpected tear slides down my cheek. Why the hell am I crying?

“I know what you were like; I found you remember, crying your eyes out on that balcony while that motherfucker didn’t give you a second thought. But here you are, still shedding tears for this asshole that hasn’t made a single effort to contact you. Why are you still giving this guy a second of your time Ava why?!” Jasper is furious his hands braced behind his head, pacing the room.

I can’t answer, I feel so hollow inside and I clutch my stomach in grief. I know why, but I don’t want to say it, not now, not like this when we are both so heated.

“Tell me.” Jasper perseveres. I shake my head and make a dash for the bathroom door before I am sick, but Jasper grabs my arm. “Tell me. For once in your life, be honest and let me in. I am trying here. Meet me half way. Please.”

I know my words will hurt Jasper and I don’t want to wound him. He’s been my savior but this thing with Harper, its complex.

“Tell me…please,” Jasper begs, his gaze softening slightly.

I give up because I know he won’t let me go until I tell him. I guiltily look up at him, here goes nothing.

“I don’t know if I will be able to love anyone ever again. When Harper broke up with me, he took a piece of me with him. I don’t know how to get that back. I don’t know if I want it back. It hurts too much to love someone that much. I am just so scared to try again.”

And there it is. The truth. The truth I have been trying so hard to escape. I thought I could forget all my insecurities. I thought wrong.

But I do have feelings for Jasper. And those feelings are ones that terrify me. What if he breaks my heart too? This is the reason I never wanted to pursue anything further with Jasper, because I knew deep down he would make me feel…too much. I am so confused.

Jasper’s expression breaks my heart and I attempt to explain, but he won’t let me.

“So what am I? Just something to occupy your time with until someone better comes along. I don’t get it, Ava.” He looks defeated, and with each diminishing step, he is breaking my heart further.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” I reply, desperately trying to fix this. Fix my fuck up.

“No I don’t actually. You go nuts when another girl looks my way but when you have me, you act like you don’t want me. What
do
you want? You need to take risks in life to grow and you are so afraid that we
would
work; you would rather not let me in completely, afraid I am going to hurt you like Harper, than give me everything. Why won’t you let me in? Let me prove to you I’m different. Prove to you that I’m not him.”

A silent sob wracks my body and I am struggling to hold back my tears.

“It’s easy to blame Harper for making you so detached, but deep down you know you’re the one that’s stopping yourself from being happy. You think you’re undeserving of being happy again. And you’re too scared to try. Break ups suck, but if you don’t move on they will haunt you for the rest of your life.”

His words hit home and I am afraid to acknowledge the truth because he is right.

But I can’t take this, I feel vulnerable and hurt, and Jasper riding in on his high, perfect horse pisses me off.

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. “How would you know?! You haven’t been in a meaningful relationship. I doubt you have ever been in love! The only affection you know is from dysfunctional crazy people! ” I can’t believe those words escaped my mouth, after everything he told me about his family and Indie. I am just so furious and word vomit has a voice of its own.

He stares at me shocked, working his jaw angrily. He is silent for a good minute, and I am afraid to speak in case I say something else I will regret. Finally he snickers, “It’s good to know what you really think of me. After everything I just told you. I think you should leave.”

Shit!

“No please let me explain.” I quickly try to correct my error. I grab onto his arm but he shrugs me away. My heart breaks with his formality.

“I think you have done enough explaining, Ava.” Jasper is fuming, taking deep breaths and sidestepping me when I attempt to touch him.

“Let me…” I attempt to explain, staring at him pacing the room furiously. How the hell did this spiral out of control so quickly? I know the answer but I can’t face the truth right now.

“Just. Leave. ” He sneers with such venom I am taken aback. He won’t even listen to me. I am wounded he won’t give me the opportunity to explain myself.

If he won’t let me defend myself then there is nothing left to say.

“Fine, I’m outta here!” I roar angrily, but more importantly I’m angry at myself.

Tears of rage are threatening to burst any moment, so I quickly grab my keys and storm down the stairs running to the front door. I can’t get out of his house fast enough. I don’t want him to see me cry over this. I am embarrassed enough.

But before I can escape this car wreck, Jasper rushes after me, holding onto my arm, attempting to stop my retreat. I barely choke back a snivel; I am coming apart at the seams.

“Did I mean anything to you or did you just want him back the whole time we were together?” I turn around, his tormented expression giving me insight into his emotions. I did this to him; I made him look so plagued with my cruel words.

The longer I stand here, the louder the silence, so I voice the only thing I can without breaking down.

“I don’t want him back. I just want to take back what he took from me. Good-bye Jasper.”

I storm towards the front door and before I hit the bottom step I hear a pleading, barely audible whisper slip through his lips. “Please don’t go.”

But I am out the door as my avalanche of tears spill down my cheeks. I shudder in defeat as I crumble in my car and sob an ocean of tears.

Chapter 21:

Hit and Run

I
come home after our argument and collapse as soon I close my bedroom door. Luckily V isn’t home and I can mourn alone. I have blown things with Jasper and I doubt he will ever forgive me. He is right in what he said to me. I am too afraid that things would work for us. The attraction between us was instant and growing every day. I should have been embracing it, not running away from it. Jasper deserved better than an emotional fucked up mess like me.

I will miss Jasper because I know after tonight he probably wouldn't want to see me for a while. That thought tears another deep sob from my chest and I cry myself to sleep.

*****

The next day I know I can’t dodge V any longer as I’ve slept in long enough. I try my hardest to smile but she isn't fooled when I pour myself a cup of coffee shakily.

“What the fuck happened?” I shake my head not wanting to talk about it.

“Is everything okay?” I shake my head again and a tear slides down my cheek. V rushes over, giving me a tight hug.

“What’s happened Ava?” she asks firmer this time.

“We had a fight.” I am still caught up in her arms and I can feel myself about to break down.

“Over?” I don’t even have to clarify who I fought with, V knows who.

I stifle a sob. ”Over Harper, over my stupid insecurities, over me being a big ole’ scaredycat.”

“Harper?” V asks clearly confused. I really don't want to repeat what happened, but V will keep harassing me until I budge.

“We were getting heated and at a time when I shouldn't have been thinking about Harper I was and I told Jasper.”

“You what!” V shrieks, pulling me out of her embrace and staring at me wildly.

“Okay it wasn't exactly like that.” I cringe under her scrutiny.

“Then how was it? Because if you called out Harper’s name mid orgasm, Jasper has every right to be mad at you.”

“We didn't even get that far.” I lower my eyes embarrassed.

V looks baffled and says, “You have been hanging around Jasper for too long. You're starting to become ambiguous like him.”

I exhale noisily and peer out the window wishing I was anywhere but here. “We were making out and Jasper was headed... south and I just froze.”

“You froze? I thought that's what you wanted.”

“I did. I do. I just thought about how the only guy I've ever been with is Harper and I'm sure Jasper has been with loads of girls and I started thinking what If I'm not good enough and this changes things for the worse.” As I vocalize what happened, I realize how foolish I was to behave the way I did.

“And you told him this?” V is trying to piece together how I have ended up the emotional wreckage I currently am.

“Not exactly,” I mumble feeling faint.

V rolls her eyes annoyed and gives me a sharp look to continue.

“It just got out of hand. Jasper asked if I still loved Harper and it went downhill from there.”

V’s eyes widen in disbelief. “How did you address the Harper issue?”

“Like an idiot that's how,” I reply quickly.

“Oh God what did you do?” V is bracing herself for my response while chewing on her lip ring.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I grumpily spit.

She only shrugs. “I know what you're like when confronted with Harper talk. You babble on and anger replaces your common sense.”

She is right. I put my head in my hands and groan. “I am such an idiot.”

“Talk to him.”

“No, I'm embarrassed and he has every right to hate me.” I can still remember the anger behind his words and I bury my head deeper into my hands.

“Just explain to him your feelings regarding Harper, he will understand.” If only it was that simple.

“It wasn't only the Harper thing,” I reply, biting my lip guilty.

“Oh Ava what?” V has her head tilted to the side and takes a deep breath.

“I kind of told him he's never been in love and he only knows the affections from crazy people.” I peek up a look at my best friend and wish I didn’t.

V stares at me her mouth agape. I am such an A-hole!

“He opened up to me about his family, about Indie and I just threw it back into his face because I was confronted with the truth and I didn't want to hear it.”

V shakes her head. “You need to talk to him. He's crazy about you, he will listen to you.”

I sigh dismally. “I don't think he will. He told me to leave and he meant it. I saw the hurt in his eyes. The hurt I put there.”

V for the first time looks speechless and I know I'm in trouble. I have fucked up royally with Jasper and I have no one to blame but myself.

*****

So for the next few weeks I mope and ghost around like a nobody. I work, eat and sleep. My routine sadly didn't stop my thoughts from wandering to Jasper every five seconds. I would call people Jasper by accident at work and even slipped by calling myself Jasper when I left my name to reserve a DVD at the video store. I wish I would man up and call him, but what would I say? I'm sorry for insulting you. I'm sorry for being such an emotional retard. I'm sorry I've given you mixed signals with my bi polar behavior. Whatever I say, I know it wouldn’t be good enough.

So it goes without saying it has been the saddest few weeks of my life. I feel sick, empty and guilty. What I did, what I said to Jasper was wrong. We both said things in the heat of the moment and I know my words burnt him, but that wasn’t my intention. I was just so angry. It was Harper and his poison seeping into my common sense. Jasper and I had a good thing, and now I have ruined it with my foolish behavior.

The only comfort I take is sitting in my favorite armchair, staring out the window overlooking the street. I watch the neighbors mow their lawns, the dogs chase the neighborhood cats and the children play happily, all none the wiser. Little did they know a girl with a broken heart was watching their actions and wishing she could be them. I would have given anything to partake in their ordinary tasks because it looked so easy. It looked so easy for them to live. It looked like it didn’t hurt to breathe.

But the most comforting pastime of being a recluse is my observation of a common raven perched on a tall Blue Oak tree branch. He would balance on that branch for hours, looking down at the world with a bird’s eye view. I wonder what he could see and why he chose that particular tree to sit upon daily. If he sensed danger he would spread his wings and take to the air. I was envious because I wanted to learn how to fly, spread my wings and fly away.

Fly away from this torture of being me.

*****

It’s now early November and the dreary weather is worsening my mood. V is the most tolerant friend but she has warned me, if I play my depressing Emo music once more, she’s going to break all my CDs, and I know she will make good on her word. I don’t know how long I have been staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, counting the trillions of glow in the dark stars. Each day blends into one nowadays and I am sinking in regrets.

“Ava get up!” I squint as V turns on my bedroom light. Ugh, it’s so bright. I liked it better when my glow in the dark stars was my only light source.

“I am getting you out of this room because quite frankly it smells like something has died in here.”

Yeah…me. I attempt to crawl under the covers but V has other ideas and rips off my blankets.

“Hey!” I sulk which falls on deaf ears as V is raiding my closet pulling out garment after garment.

I shield my eyes with my hands as the light is still burning my corneas, trying to decipher what she is up to.

“You are coming with me to ‘Little Sisters’ tonight and no, this is not optional, this is an intervention.”

“Are you crazy? I am not going anywhere?” I look down at my pasta splattered sweater and can only imagine what my hair looks like.

“Yes you are. You need fresh air and Jasper won’t be there so you can hang with me and Lucas.”

Just the mention of his name hurts my head and my heart. But what hurts even more is I know Jasper won’t be there because I have memorized his work schedule. I am border-lining on being a stalker.

“No,” I sigh.

“Yes. Don’t make me drag you out this room kicking and screaming because you know I will.” I look at my best friend and see that determined gleam in her eye. I am screwed.

I charge out of bed not wanting to fight a losing battle. I spread my hands out wide. “Fine! Let’s go!”

“You may want to put on something that doesn’t resemble a homeless person.” V makes a face at my clothes.

“No I’m good, let’s go.” V shrugs, also not wanting to fight a losing battle.

*****

Feeling depressed and wanting to hide under my blankets for a year I glance around the bar and see Lucas and Andy. I cannot deal with anything Jasper. Even his band members depress me.

The boys’ heads snap up when they hear V calling out to Lucas. “Hey papa bear."

V beams when she sees her handsome boyfriend. I on the other hand cringe. Papa bear? Seriously. I never thought I'd hear V use a term of endearment for a boyfriend, let alone one that consisted of the words ‘papa’ and ‘bear.’ And here comes the bitterness.

However, I will not let my sour mood get in the way of V’s love fest with Lucas. We take a seat with V perching on Lucas’ lap. I look around; there are ample seats to go around. I shout at myself that we’re here for a good time, quit it with the pessimism.

"Good to see you Ava how you been?" Lucas asks. I can see why my friend is head over heels for this boy. He is polite, genuine and totally adores V. What's not to love about 'papa bear?' I know what his next question is going to be by the look in his eye.

"So have you spoken to Jasper?" he asks uncomfortably.

And there goes my laundry list of why papa bear is a good guy. I squirm uneasily. Jasper may not be here but his presence is everywhere and it's haunting me. Down to the stage that he owns when mesmerizing the audience with his music, or the end of the bar where he would lean, beer in hand while watching bands, and of course down to the spot on the floor where he took a beating because he was jealous of me talking to someone that wasn't him. Damn him.

I hear a throat clearing, I've obviously spaced again to the land of Jasper. I look at Lucas who seems to be mid speech and the throat clearing is coming from V who must have witnessed my derail from reality.

"He's really upset and won’t tell me what's going on. He's being really weird and private. J and I have known each other for years, since he came to LA and I've seen him get into his moods where he shuts people out, but I’ve never seen him like this. He won't even come to band practice, and that's saying a lot. Jasper never misses practice. Ava what's going on? I can't get jack outta him; maybe you can shed some light on what the hell is going on because we are all really worried about him.”

I am startled to hear he is missing band rehearsal. “Why isn't he going to practice? What about the shelter?" I ask concerned that he would miss two of his favorite things in the world.

"I don't know that's why I'm asking you. I'm worried about him. He looks like shit and is moodier than usual which is saying a lot for him." V rubs Lucas’ shoulder in concern and I feel awful. This is all my fault.

"We had a fight and I haven't spoken to him since," I blurt out before I can stop myself.

"Must have been some fight if you guys aren't talking. I see the way he is around you, you challenge that bastard and I don't think he knows how to handle that. He's custom to girls being what they think he wants them to be, and then you come along and screw that up." Lucas is smiling at me, pulling a label off his beer bottle.

I however wipe that smug look off his face when I retort."And how did I exactly screw anything up. I'm not going to throw my morals and beliefs to the curb just because he’s pretty to look at." Poor Lucas, he looks like he is ready to wield his bottle as a weapon against me.

"That's what I mean. J isn't just a pretty face to you, you see him for what's inside. He's not had that before. The girls he’s been with use him as a status fuck because he’s that singer outta some band, they use him just as much as he uses them."

Lucas’ words slap me hard. When Jasper and I were getting hot and heavy he never pushed me, it was always what I wanted, how far I wanted to go. When it happened between us he said he wanted it to be perfect. And I never pushed because I knew he was right.

Of course he was right, look what happened the one and only time our clothes came off. We stopped talking, after I did too much talking of course.

"I don't know how to fix it." I confess sadly because I have been mulling over this for weeks and coming up short of ideas.

"Talk to him. You're both as stubborn as each other but I think more than anything Jasper is hurt." Lucas and V are full of relationship wisdom. No wonder they never fight.

I know I’ve hurt Jasper. And now my bitterness is replaced with sorrow.

I have to fix this. Now.

I know Jasper is working at the shelter tonight; I have to make this right.

I jump up giving Lucas a quick kiss on the cheek. "I can see why my friend is crazy about you." V looks up at me smiling an ‘I told you’ smile. Damn her smugness.

"V would it be okay..."

“Yes go, Lucas can take me home." She knows where I need to be. I give her a quick hug and bolt out of the bar like the devil is on my heels.

*****

I've broken about fifty road laws to get home in record time to feed Oscar and change. If I'm going to see Jasper and beg for forgiveness, I don't want to look like a bird has taken up permanent residency in my hair. I am a mess. Physically and emotionally.

I need to go home and collect myself. I need to shower and feel semi normal before I do this. Running inside I call out to Oscar. He is so cheeky and I hope tonight isn’t one of those nights where he has selective hearing. I am frantically running around my room trying to decide on the most appropriate outfit to wear. After a few minutes of indecision I finally settle on jeans and a tight knitted sweater. I head back downstairs calling out to Oscar. But he still hasn’t arrived.