I Surrender (24 page)

Chapter 34:

I Was the One Worth Leaving

I
sit staring at the screen for an hour. I am not kidding, it is literally an hour as I look at the clock and realize its 7pm. How did this happen? How did my semi perfect life go to being a fucked up mess in the span of a week. What does his email mean? He misses me. He’s just realized this after all this time apart. Too bad he didn’t miss me when he shattered my heart into a million pieces. Too bad he didn’t miss me when I had to piece myself back together again. Too bad he didn’t miss me when I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I know Harper, and this email was sent to cause a reaction. So when I jump up, throwing all the contents of my dresser onto the floor, shattering my perfume bottles and scattering make-up everywhere. When I rip all the blankets off my bed and when I scream at the top of my lungs, I think it is fair to say this is a normal reaction to receiving such an email from your two-faced ex.

I feel sick inside and realize I am actually going to be sick. I run to the bathroom barely making it in time and throw up my lunch. The feelings of despair and anguish are overwhelming me. I don’t want to go back to this place I was in ten months ago. I have come so far and I can’t go back, I know I won’t survive. But I
won’t
allow myself to go back there. My Harper story has finished and there will be no sequel.

After splashing some water on my face I feel less apprehensive but my stomach is still in knots. My phone jolts me out of my stupor and I run to answer it. “Hello,” I answer breathlessly.

“Hi baby.” I cringe as I hear Jasper’s voice. This is not the best time to speak to him as my brain is fried and I really am not prepared to have the Harper conversation with him just yet. I can’t even wrap my head around it.

“Hello?” he questions as I have not uttered a word.

“Oh hey Jasper,” is all I can muster. That sounded cold even to my ears. He is going to know something is up, so I try my best to put on a happy voice. “Sorry you just caught me in the shower.” Lame lame lame!

“Oh really so you’re all wet and soapy right now hey?”

I force out a laugh. “Yeah something like that. What’s up?”

Jasper senses my aloofness. “You sure everything’s okay? You sound weird, something happen at school?” Oh yeah you could say that.

“Nah just the usual stuff, learning how to fry and chop you know.” Oh my God I need to stop talking now! I am digging myself a bigger hole.

Jasper remains silent, and before I can make amends he says, “So V told you?”

A feeling of dread hits me in the guts. “V told me what?” I ask quickly as I have not seen V today.

“Oh, I thought you knew because I figured she had spoken to Lucas.”

“No I haven’t spoken to V today, what’s going on Jasper?” My palms are sweating and I feel another bout of nausea steadily approaching.

He takes a deep breath and there is a long pause before he finally replies, “I’m going to be staying in Chicago… for longer than I expected.” I stare at the debris lining my bedroom from my earlier outburst. I have nothing left to destroy luckily, as Jasper’s words have charred my soul. I sit stupefied, I can’t talk.

“Ava, I’m sorry,” he says quietly. He thinks I’m mad at him. That must be why he is apologizing. In truth I am not mad, I am actually numb. I feel helpless to my feelings, like I am looking in on a stranger wearing my face.

“Ava are you okay? I’m really sorry baby. Things with mom have been decent and I feel like we’re making progress. I can’t leave, not yet. But I
will
be coming home to you, I just don’t know when.” I am mute as Jasper continues. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you first. The only reason Lucas found out was that he wanted to know if he could book a show and I had to tell him I would still be in Chicago.”

Still nothing, my throat has closed over.

“Baby, please say something.” Jasper begs. In reality I don’t know what to say. I have no words to explain how I feel. There is no phrase in any language that could express what I’m feeling. So I say the only thing I can without falling apart.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Jasper queries, “You’re not okay.”

How did he expect me to react? Jump up and down like a raving lunatic demanding he return to me like he promised he would. Scream at him that being away meant missing my birthday. And most importantly cry my heart out that he made such an important decision without talking to me about it first.

I know he will stay in Chicago for as long as it takes until he has reconciled with his mom, no matter how long that takes. I need to get off the phone like now, so I spit out quickly. “Jasper I’m happy things are going well between you and your mom. You should stay and work things out. She’s your mom after all.” The lie slips out easily.

“Really? You’re okay with this,” Jasper asks me, disbelief in his tone.

“Yeah of course.” And again with the lies. Watch my nose grow.

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I just have to do this, it feels important,” Jasper replies quickly.

“I understand no need to explain. You’ll be back soon.” I have to get off the phone right now before I disintegrate into a messy heap.

Jasper is silent and I don’t need any more confirmation that he doesn’t know when or
if
he will be back.

“Ava I…” he starts and I cut him off.

“I gotta go sorry I’m standing in a towel dripping wet all over the floor, I’ll chat later okay. Bye,” and I quickly hung up.

I don’t give him a chance to explain further, because I am about to fall to pieces. I crumble to the floor in a heap and sob a cry so profound it hurts my chest. I lie with my cheek pressed to the cold floor and weep until my tears run dry.

Jasper has made a decision easily enough without talking it over with me first. What does that say about our future together? He was the first thing I thought about when offered my scholarship, but it seems I was the last thing he thought about when he made his decision to stay. It hurts to know that when he made his choice, I was the one worth leaving.

Chapter 35:

Happy Birthday To Me

I
t’s my birthday today but celebrating is the furthest thing from my mind. I am no closer to making a decision regarding my scholarship, Jasper has not returned, and since our phone call a week ago we have been drifting apart. We have spoken about futile topics and I could feel it was strained on his end as much as it was on mine.

So when V bounces into my room, arms filled with birthday gifts and a birthday cake I want to throw them out the window.

“Oh don’t look so glum you’re the birthday girl.” V plops down onto my bed smiling.

“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to,” I chide.

“Oh shush you, what sort of best friend would I be if I didn’t treat my friend out to cocktails.”

“You would be the best. V I’m serious I’m not going anywhere.” I have succeeded in moping around the house for the whole day as V was booked out at work. She tried but failed to reschedule her clients. I was more than happy to lie in my misery and sulk.

I haven’t replied to Harper, but this morning I received a Happy Birthday email from him. I seriously had to rub my eyes twice to make sure my sleep deprivation hadn’t clouded my vision. But there it was bright as day, my ex boyfriend wishing me a happy birthday, while my current boyfriend has remained unheard from. I haven’t told V about my scholarship or Harper emailing me. She thinks I’m in such a snooty mood because Jasper is not here. That is one of the reasons but not the main.

V shakes me out of my depressing haze by throwing a present at my head. “Ouch!” I yell, “What the hell was that for?”

“To snap you out of this foul mood. I get it Ava, I really do. What Jasper has done is really shitty but it’s not like he has gone on holiday. He’s done this to better himself, to better himself for you. To become a better person and have a happy future with you. He needs to do this for himself.”

“I know,” I sigh annoyed.

“Then stop with the sulking, get your ass out of bed and come party like it’s your birthday!” I know this is a losing battle so I throw my hands up in defeat.

V shrieks in excitement. “Were going to have so much fun,” and finally leaves me alone.

Fun, I doubt I even know the meaning of that word anymore. I get out of bed and storm over to brush my hair. I give up after fruitlessly trying to tame an untamable beast. After twenty minutes of blindly dressing I look in the mirror and see my sunken eyes that have shed millions of tears over the past week. The girl whose reflection was on the way to being put back together again had been blown apart. All the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men couldn’t put Ava together again.

With that depressing thought my mantra for the evening I decide to do something foolish, I open up my laptop and hit reply:

“Thanks Harper. How are you?”

This is the first form of contact I’ve had with him for over ten months. What am I doing?

*****

The night is grating on me and smiling is quickly becoming impossible. V tries everything to make my birthday memorable. The only memorable thing about tonight will be me not killing someone. V has invited the boys and a few class mates. It’s a small gathering at ‘Little Sisters’ but it may as well have been empty because I am not paying attention to anyone. There are millions of thoughts going through my head: should I accept the scholarship? What would that mean for Jasper and I? Is Jasper ever going to come home? Why the hell did I email Harper? The list is endless.

V is trying her best to keep the party going, explaining my unsociable mood to PMS. I don’t care what excuse she comes up with. I am too tired to care anymore. I am heartbroken and lost. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and ignore V when she offers to come with. I feel awful but I can’t fake a smile, not even for my best friend.

As I walk into the bathroom the air whooshes out of my lungs in astonishment. The last person I expected to see is standing in front of me, applying lipstick in the bathroom mirror. What the fuck is
she
doing here?

I stand and stare dumbfounded. She turns mid stoke and sneers, “Happy Birthday Skank.”

I am speechless. We glare at each other in the tiny, suffocating bathroom. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I snarl between clenched teeth.

Indie laughs. “Currently, I’m applying my favorite shade of lipstick.”

“I meant
here
, at my birthday party. I’m pretty sure you weren’t on the guest list,” I reply angrily.

“What kind of person would I be to miss your birthday celebrations?” Her comments slaps me with her obvious implication of Jasper’s absence.

I stand horrified; I have nothing crass to say. “Well you’re not welcome here, leave.”

Indie tsks me. “Oh Ava, are you angry because Jasper is not here? Or are you angry because Jasper chose to stay in Chicago on your birthday because he couldn’t face you after we fucked like rabbits while he was supposedly tending to his mom?”

The wind rushes from my lungs and I take a deep breath before I pass out. “What?” I utter murderously.

“Oh you heard me. You’re so pathetic. Did you seriously think he was staying in Chicago to try and reconcile with his mom? Surely you’re not that stupid. Jasper and I fucked every night and not once did he think about you. You’re old news babe, I warned, Jasper will NEVER leave me for you.”

I am dying inside, I feel my insides curl over and shrivel. I just want to run away and never look back. I don’t understand how Jasper can see any good in her. But I guess there are a lot of things about Jasper I don’t understand.

“Oh poor little lamb,” Indie consoles sarcastically. “You didn’t really believe he loved you, did you? You’re nothing to him. You were just a warm body for him to fuck until he got bored and came running back to me. Came back to a real woman who knows how to satisfy her man. Not some sad weak loser who couldn’t please a man to save her life. You forget I was Jasper’s first. I know
exactly
what he likes and
how
he likes it.”

I have no control over my body, it’s like I am possessed. I walk up to Indie and punch her in the face. I shake my hand as the pain I feel is blinding, but it’s all worth it as I see Indie drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Her lip is busted open and blood is pouring out of the wound while she is tonguing it, her eyes wide open in shock. How does she like her favorite shade of lipstick now!

She looks up at me with such hatred, but the feeling is more than mutual. “Shut your filthy mouth. You two deserve one another,” and I storm out before I kick her while she’s down.

I see nothing in my path, just the exit. I need to get the fuck out of here before I suffocate. V chases after me but I don’t stop when she yells desperately for me to stop. I break into a fast pace, tears blinding me. I need to get away from everyone.

I hail a cab and direct him home before I go back into the bathroom and start round two.

*****

Once inside I kick off my shoes and head to the sanctuary of my room. My phone is beeping, I have a text message. I look at the screen and see seven missed calls, a voicemail and numerous text messages from Jasper. I listen to the voicemail of his futile apology to why he hasn’t contacted me sooner and he will call me later. Fuck later, I fume and dial his number.

“Hey baby, happy…”

Before he can continue I yell, “Did you fuck Indie?”

I can hear the horror in his voice. “What? NO, of course I didn’t. Why would you ask me that?”

“Because I just had an interesting conversation with her. She told me the real reason as to why you’re still in Chicago.”

“She did? Please explain as I’m pretty certain this is news to me,” Jasper asks me calmly.

“Oh stop with the act Jasper! She told me how you guys fucked like rabbits when she was in Chicago. She was your first sexual experience so of course she knows all about your sexual preferences which she not so subtly threw in my face. That’s the real reason you’re not here isn’t it!?” I am out of control, my temper is flaring.

“Are you serious Ava? You believe her?” Jasper now has an edge to his voice. He sounds horrified that I would trust her.

“Well what am I to believe?” I ask dropping onto the floor in defeat because somehow I know he is telling me the truth.

“You’re meant to believe me because I’m telling you the truth. Nothing happened between us. Period. How could you believe her? I’ve told you there is nothing between us and never will be ever again.”

I question myself, why DO I believe her? She has never been honest in the past, why should I believe a single word that comes out of her deceitful mouth?

I know the answer. Deep down I
want
that to be the reason why Jasper is not here. Not because he chose to stay with his mom. Not because he made a decision that resulted in me being second best.

Indie is right, I am pathetic. I have let another male rule my life, I’ve lost myself again for love. And all for what? This pain hurts even more so the second time around. When will I ever stop being second best?

A revelation hits me like I’m the one being punched in the face; I am going to accept the scholarship. I am going to put myself first, because no one else will.

“Jasper I’m going back to Singapore. I have been offered a year scholarship over at the CIA Singapore Campus. I leave in a month.” Wow, I feel like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe for the first time in forever.

“What?” he asks clearly confused by my bi-polar.

“I have accepted a scholarship; I leave for Singapore on the fifteenth of next month.” He doesn’t need to know the details aren’t quite cemented, but I am going regardless.

“Singapore? When were you going to tell me this?” Jasper is surprised and I know right about now he is pulling his hair into disarray, like he usually does when he is shaken.

“When you decided to come home.” I know it’s a low blow as the circumstances to why him being away are dire, but I can’t help it.

I believe nothing happened between Indie and him. I would know if he was lying to me, but that doesn’t change my decision. This wasn’t about Indie and Jasper, or even about Jasper and I. This was all about me. I needed something like this to happen for me to finally make a decision.

“You’re going back to…him, aren’t you?” he says sadly. I dare not tell him I have heard from Harper, because he has nothing to do with my decision.

“Don’t be ridiculous. This is for me Jasper. This is an opportunity I can’t pass up. This is my future.”

“I thought I was your future,” he says and I bite my cheek to stop my tears.

“Well I thought I was your future too, but then you decided to stay in Chicago.”

“I am not STAYING in Chicago; I am coming home to you. I am doing this, all of this, for you. I am trying to fix my fucked up past so I can move forward, onto a better, happy future…with you. I never knew what it was like to be in a normal relationship but then I met you, and all of a sudden I have all these feelings trapped in my chest and it’s hard to breath. I don’t know how to deal with all these emotions Ava. Forgive me for doing you wrong.”

It takes all my will power not to break down because I know he is spilling his heart out to me, to explain why he chose to stay in Chicago. But it’s not going to change my mind. “It’s too late, I’ve made my decision.”

“So you’re leaving me because I wanted to reconcile with my mom? You’re punishing me by moving to another country? Am I that horrible to want that with my mom?” I can hear the break in his voice.

“I’m not leaving because you wanted to make things right with your mom. I’m leaving because just like you, I have to do this to better myself. I can’t move forward if I’m stuck in the past. I am tired of being weak and scared all the time. Don’t you see? I’m doing the same thing I did with Harper. I’m relying on you to complete me. I’m so lost; I need to find out who I am.”

“Then let me be your compass,” he whispers. “Please don’t leave me.”

My heart breaks and I hold back my tears. “I’m not leaving you, you could come with me.” Even as I say the words I know the answer.

“And what, follow you to another country like a lost puppy dog. That didn’t seem to work out that well for you. How could you ask that of me?” He’s right, I am being a big fat hypocrite but I can’t take back my decision because for once it feels like the right one.

“I know Jasper, I just… I have to do this. You asked me to understand when you made your choice to stay in Chicago, so now please try to understand mine.”

“Circumstances are a lot different Ava. I am not moving away to another country, for a fucking year!” Anger good, I can deal with anger. I can’t bear to hear his grief.

“I’m sorry,” is the best I can say without breaking apart. Jasper has every right to be angry at me but I have to do this for myself.

“I am too… so this is it? This is over between us? After everything we’ve gone through to get here you’re just going to throw it away. This is fucking bullshit! I’m coming home right now!”

“NO!” I yell. I know if I see him I will change my mind, I will look into those eyes and I won’t leave.

“You don’t want me to come?” he asks apprehensively.