I Surrender (21 page)

He is looking at me in silent challenge; he wants me to fight him. Well if it’s a fight he wants, then I am ready to wage war.

“Does she know her date is fondling another woman?” I look at him smugly and cross my arms under my chest, very aware that my breasts are sitting perkily and on display. I catch him sneak a peek, clench his jaw and exhale deeply. I literally have to stop myself from dancing on the spot in excitement because even at each other’s throat he still wants me.

“Nope, does your date know you’re fondling another man?” he answers arrogantly. Well what a way to rain on my parade.

“No he does not. And for the record I thought it was MY date who was fondling me, not you,” I throw back infuriated. I am such a liar but with that complacent look on his face I will be damned if I tell him the truth.

I still have my arms crossed over my chest and he has his hands interlocked behind his head, showing off his flexed biceps. I am not even aware what song is playing, or that we are standing in the middle of the dance floor hogging up prime space for patrons and I most definitely don’t know where my
date
is because I never had one. Casey was never my date.

“Oh sorry to disappoint you!” He retorts, snapping me out of my thoughts.

That’s it! I have had enough and I feel word vomit approaching.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I am so wound up I can literally feel the blood pumping through my veins and my face burning red.

Jasper takes a step towards me, his face inches away from mine. “No I’m not, please enlighten me.”

We are totally glaring daggers at each other when I feel myself explode. “Maybe if you grew some balls and actually manned up we would be doing A LOT more than dancing right now!” There I said it. This is not how I envisioned telling Jasper how I felt about him, but this was Jasper and I. Nothing goes to plan.

Jasper chuckles smugly and takes another step forward. He bends so we are pressed together chest to chest and whispers in my ear. “You didn’t seem to mind my balls digging into you a few minutes ago; I’d even say you liked it. Or maybe you act that way with all the boys. ”

I am appalled at his crudeness and pull back to look at his self-satisfied face. I feel a million emotions race over me at once and I feel possessed. I cannot control myself and I do the first thing that feels natural, I slap him so hard it can be heard over the music.

He looks at me horrified, his palm resting over his reddening cheek. What did he expect me to do the arrogant ass! I shouldn’t have slapped him; nothing condones violence especially with someone who grew up with an abusive dad. But I am so mad at him for saying such an indecent thing about me.

I can feel my hand heat and I know my slap had power behind it.

“What the fuck!” he asks stunned, his hand still resting on his cheek. I shouldn’t have slapped him, but I am not in control of my emotions or actions at the moment. I need to leave.

“Yeah, my thoughts exactly.” I shout referring to this sordid behavior.

Before I do something else I regret I storm off and find the exit in a blur. I don’t care I don’t have my bag, I don’t care if Casey and V are looking for me, I don’t care that it’s freakin’ pouring rain and I am resembling a drown rat. Raging through the streets I hail a taxi and thankfully one picks up my sopping ass and transports me away from an argument I did not want to finish.

Chapter 29:

Stars and Hearts

I
run into the house to grab some money for the cabbie as I left my purse, jacket and patience back at the club. I kick off my shoes and they hit the wall with a thud. I am soaking wet but I don’t care. I pace backwards and forward fuming. How dare he! Why is he treating me like some whore? It’s none of his business if I want to dry hump my way around Los Angeles! He needn’t know I wished it was him I was dry humping.

He’s made it crystal clear that we’re nothing more than friends. I am sick of these games. I don’t have an on/off emotional switch. His hot and cold is confusing me and pissing me off. He wants me, he doesn’t want me. He says we’re friends but then he sends me mixed signals. This guy is the most infuriating man I have ever met! I know I haven’t declared my feelings, but I have been civil towards him, and never insulted him on purpose.

I do the only thing I can do with my temper at boiling point, I fire up my laptop and put on ‘Florence and the Machine’. The first song appropriately named “Kiss with a Fist” comes blasting through my speakers. I am furious and pacing the house like a caged animal. I am so lost in the music and unaware I am not alone until I turn around and am faced with a pair of enraged cerulean eyes. How did he get in?

“What the fuck do you want Jasper?” I yell at him, unsure if I have the strength to continue with round two.

He races over to me, pulling me into his wet arms. Before crushing his lips to mine he pants, “You.”

Game on.

Jasper pushes me up against the wall; hard. I bang my head on impact, but I don’t care. I need to consume this man, like now. Kissing with an urgency that I can’t keep up with, he holds my head in place with both hands to continue his passionate assault on my mouth. There is a desperate need to get these wet clothes off and be skin to skin. I then realize he is also wet. He must have chased me out of the club not that long after I stormed out. His hair is dripping wet onto my face but I could not care less. I pull his soaked hair hard and he moans, then I bite his lip angrily.

I am so mad at him but I can’t get enough of him. The more I kiss him, the more I want him. His tongue is in my mouth, searching every part of it. He is rough and merciless, but I like it. I want more. I push him back forcefully; his eyes are frenzied and I surprise myself when I rip his t-shirt off. God, he is standing before me shirtless with all those lean muscles on display and to add to insult he’s dripping wet. Beads of water cascade down his chest moving into the line of hair on his stomach. I am envious of that one little droplet that slips into his snail trail and gradually slithers into his pants.

He senses my desire and pulls me up so I am straddling his waist and walks me over to the couch continuing his attack on my mouth. I fall back onto the sofa; with him on top but he never breaks contact with my mouth. His hand plunges under my dress and pulls aside my underwear so he can touch me in my entire naked splendor. I thought kissing Jasper could create an inferno, but this I am surely going to explode from. He inserts one finger, then two and I am soaked.

I desperately try to get his pants off as I fumble with his zipper, but clumsy with eagerness I fail. He doesn’t halt his sweet torment of me below, as he quickly unhooks the clasps on my dress pulling it down revealing my breasts and he latches on. I arch my back and cry out as he continues sucking on my right nipple then moves to the left. All the while, his fingers move back and forth inside of me. My dress is pushed down, but I want it off. I want this so bad. I’ve wanted this from the moment I fell literally head over heels for him.

He is kissing me everywhere and with his onslaught to my body, I am about to explode. I cry out when his fingers leave me to undo his belt. I swiftly offer to help him with his offending garment as he sits up on his knees to unbutton his jeans. He looks down at me and stops. His cheeks are flustered, his hair is in disarray, standing at odd angles from me pulling it, and his lips are red and swollen from kissing me with such force, but his eyes seem to finally take in what we are about to do.

“Are you sure you want to do this? This will change everything,” he whispers, trembling slightly. “If you say yes, I won’t be able to stop myself, I want you so much.”

I reach up and touch his face. “I have never been more certain of anything in my life. Don’t you dare stop.” Jasper rewards me with a heart stopping smile and questions one last time. “Are you sure? I know once I start I will be lost in you.” I understand his apprehension as the last time we were about to get physical I freaked out. I pull him into a kiss, a kiss that is filled with months of wanting him, the desire to give myself to him emotionally and physically. That answers all his doubts.

Off come his jeans and boxers and I gasp when I see him in his glorious stripped state. He is ready for me and I swallow in concern. How am I meant to accommodate him? He senses my concern and brushes the hair off my face.

“We’ll go slow okay.” I bite my lip and nod quickly.

He slips my dress clean off, along with my underwear. He bends down and retrieves a condom from his jeans pocket and there is no turning back.

I peer down at myself and reality hits that I am really naked right now. I shyly reach down to cover myself, but Jasper stops me with his hand. He searches my face with an adoring look on his. “Don’t ever feel ashamed. You in this moment looking at me, trusting me, it’s just fucking beautiful.”

And with that he pushes into me quickly, moving me up the couch with his forceful stroke as I hold back a sob of pleasure.

He stills for a moment, as my insides are stretched further than I thought possible. He rocks slowly into me, trying to make our connection as comfortable for me as he can without driving into me too deeply, too quickly. This is foreign to me. I feel like I am about to implode with him inside of me.

“Are you okay, am I hurting you?" Jasper whispers, his head resting in the crook of my neck trying to catch his breath.

I can’t form a sentence, I feel so full, body and soul. I nod, holding in a breath and biting my lip in blissful pain hoping he will understand I am more than okay.

He understands my actions and picks up the pace deliciously. He starts with slow and light controlled strokes and the sensitivity is heightened as he reaches down rubbing my center lightly with his thumb. The noises that are coming out of me are primeval but I can’t stop myself. Neko Case’s ‘I Wish I was the Moon’ is doing a poor job of concealing my cries of pleasure.

I nearly explode from the sweet torment, but I know he's not there yet so I hold off until we are both well spent. He is staring at me, his eyes assessing my reaction to him moving so deeply within me. The sensation is nothing I have ever felt before and I close my eyes from the satisfaction of having Jasper buried inside of me.

I feel him brushing my hair off my face and kissing the tip of my nose. I am heated all over and when he softly bites my chin I exhale an untamed moan which encourages him to increase his velocity and I buckle with the force. He smells so good; my senses in this moment are heightened tenfold. We are panting and breathing heavily and I am so close but I know he’s not ready.

“Let go baby, this is all for you,” he pants, stroking me so steadily I feel like I am about to burst.

“No, not before you. Together.” I barely manage to reply, his voice enough of a trigger for my close climax to almost erupt.

“I know how I can make you,” he answers confidently as he pulls out of me fully then pushes himself back in slowly, caressing my center with skill. I fold and pant in pleasure.

I don’t doubt his expertise as I am barely holding on with his skilful assault on my body but I am stubborn and hold on- just.

I open my eyes and see him gauging my reaction; I know he is stopping himself from letting totally go. He is looking at me, hands braced on either side of my head. The look on his face nearly spirals me into ecstasy, but I want to enjoy this ride for as long as I can.

I raise my hips, encouraging him to go faster because I know he’s holding back in fear of hurting me as it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex. And being with Jasper is not like anything I have ever experienced before.

He inhales a gulp of air through clenched teeth as we both glide into each other smoothly. The feeling is pure ecstasy, a feeling I never want to end.

Before I can stop myself my harlot side whispers, “Go faster.” And I coax him with my feet pressing into his firm behind.

He lets out a load groan. Mission accomplished. “Fuck. For the love of God woman are you trying to kill me.”

“What a way to go,” I reply breathlessly. I clench my muscles tightly around him and he closes his eyes in bliss. I can tell by his concentrated breaths and swiftness of his movements that he’s close. I was done twenty minutes ago, but looking at his sweating and sultry body moving above and within me with such passion, I am glad I waited.

I run my fingernails down his firm stomach and arch my back, making my intentions loud and clear.

That’s all the encouragement he needs and he powers into me with a force so deep, it brings tears to my eyes. All the while those cerulean eyes are searching mine ensuring I am okay.

The deep longing look in his blue eyes, the feel of him inside of me it’s all too much and I let out a groan which Jasper captures into his mouth while pinning my hands above my head. He undoes me and I let out a scream of pleasure, and so does he. We come together and it is mind-blowing.

Now I know why they say once you’ve had the orgasm of your life you see stars. As my breathing slows, with Jasper still inside of me, all I can see is his beautiful eyes and stars. Maybe if I look close enough though; those stars are really hearts in disguise.

Chapter 30:

I Love You

T
he next morning I wake sore but surprisingly not hung over. I am in bed and reach over to touch the man lying next to me. He is totally naked, the thin sheet twisting around his perfect body. As I take him in, a heavy feeling in my chest forms, I think I am in love with Jasper. If I was to pinpoint the exact moment I couldn’t tell you. This isn’t like those romance movies V and I used to watch when we were kids where boy meets girls they fall in love and live happily ever after, this is real. This with Jasper has been a journey and most times it has driven me to the point of insanity but was it worth it, fuck yeah.

Being with Jasper, the way we were last night, I never knew it was possible to experience such pleasure. I shiver at the memories of him moving inside of me, touching me, bringing me over the edge and I want more.

“Why are you thinking so early in the morning?” he asks sleepily, eyes closed. I wonder how long he’s been awake and paranoid he knows I have been watching him sleep and contemplating doing all kinds of dirty things to his unconscious form. That’s kind of creepy so I hope not long.

“I’m not,” I reply nervously.

He cracks open an eye and I gasp at the color of them. They are such a deep blue, I could drown in them.

“Don’t lie; you’ve never been a very good liar.” Am I that obvious? “Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you last night did I? Sorry I was a little crazy but I couldn’t stop myself. Seeing you with that asshole, I lost control. I’m sorry Ava I shouldn’t have spoken to you the way I did. You have every right to be angry at me. Please forgive me.”

I stare open mouthed. Surely he is not apologizing after blowing my mind with the best orgasm of my life. “There is nothing to forgive you for Jasper. If anyone should be apologizing it should be me. I never should have slapped you, I was out of line. No actions ever condone that violent behavior, regardless of you being an ass that still gave me no right to hurt you.”

He grins agreeing with the asshole jab. “I tried to stop myself but I just couldn’t. I was running on auto pilot and my jealously got the better of me, again. When I saw that guy with his hands all over you, I lost it. You will be the death of me Ava.” Jasper runs his hands through his messy hair nervously, like he has revealed too much. I on the other hand am high fiving myself. This is progress; this honesty between us gives me hope that we will be okay.

“I’m sorry. But for the record, it wasn’t Casey I was thinking about when I was dancing with you,” I sheepishly reply. I understand why he reacted the way he did. If I saw him dirty dancing with some girl, it would be murder on the dance floor.

I snuggle into his chest while he strokes my back and we are both quiet, deep in thought. “Let’s just forget about it. Even his name is pissing me off.” I giggle, liking this jealous side of Jasper.

“So are you going to tell me what you were thinking?” he murmurs sleepily.

That stops my humorous mood. It’s now or never. “I was just thinking does this change…things between us now?” His answer will crush me if it’s the wrong one.

I hear him breathing lightly, contented. He doesn’t answer for a long while and I can feel my breath quicken in anxiety.

“Of course it changes everything. Last night was amazing; I have never felt that with anyone before.”

I am shocked at his admission. Ever? This smile will never be wiped clean.

Jasper senses my happiness and continues. “We now know we rock it physically as much as we do being friends, so there is only one answer.” Please be the right one, please be the right one I repeat my mantra.

“And that is...” I prompt and a horrible thought weighs me down. What if he still wants to be friends who occasionally have sex? Oh God I feel sick, my heart couldn’t handle that. Jasper smirks as I feel my body tense in dread.

I am about to leap off the bed to hide in the bathroom when he grabs my chin. “Look at me.” I hesitantly peer at him. “Ava this changes
everything.
What we shared wasn’t just sex, it was epic. You make me feel like a better man. I want to better myself so I am good enough for you.”

I stare wide eyed, rivaling a deer caught in headlights. “What do you mean good enough for me? You are more than good enough,” I whisper.

He shakes his head. “No I want to be everything for you. When I’m with you, you make me forget about all the shitty stuff in my life. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance with you.” I don’t know what to say and a tear slides down my cheek.

“That wasn’t meant to make you cry,” he says softly. The concern in his face is clear, as he fears he may have said something wrong.

“They are happy tears,” I reply easing his worries by referring to our Christmas conversation.

He licks his lips before kissing me softly, unlike last night where we were devouring one another. This kiss is filled with worship of one another. This man plays my body like a fine tuned instrument made especially for him. He begins his decent down my chest kissing my breasts, then down my stomach, twirling his tongue in my bellybutton. As he heads further, I stop him, fisting his unruly morning hair and he groans against my core as I suppress a shiver.

“Before you do…that, I just want to know um where we stand.” I bite my lip, knowing I have the worse timing.

“You want to do this now?” Jasper teases looking up at me from between my legs and I nod working my bottom lip with my teeth.

Still stretched out between my legs with his chin resting on my stomach, he looks up at me with his disheveled bedroom hair and I pat myself on the back that his bedroom hair is my doing.

“Ava I want you, all of you. Not just your perfect body,” he says kissing my hip bones, “but you. I want to make you laugh everyday and I want to push you when you don’t want to be challenged. I want to grow with you and discover where this crazy path leads us. I want to be the one responsible for your cries of passion every night and I want to be there to wipe away your tears. I can’t stay away from you, I’ve tried but it doesn’t work. I want to be with you always.”

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from being an emotional ball of goo.

“Now can I finish what I started,” he says looking at me passionately, blowing his hair out of his eyes.

I nod, who am I to stand in the way of a man on a mission. That mission being me.

*****

And that’s how Jasper and I became boyfriend and girlfriend. It was that simple. Why I didn’t do this months ago remains a mystery to me. But there is no looking back because I am so happy. We have spent almost every night together, and the nights we didn’t I missed him terribly. After his shift ended at the shelter he would crawl into my bed waking me up with kisses and whispering how much he missed me.

It is surreal that a man who was so closed off could be this open about his affections. But not all was smooth sailing. We still fought like crazy, but at least we could engage in a little make up sex after our heated arguments.

We have been ‘official’ for a little over a month and it has been the best month of my life. It’s been close to ten months since I arrived back home and I feel like a different person to the one that stepped off that plane ten months ago, and I know I have Jasper to thank for that.

V is happy we’ve finally worked out our shit, saying it was about time. She and Lucas are also doing fantastic. Life seems to be going well for all of us.

*****

It’s Saturday night and ‘Passengers of Ego’ are half way through their set at ‘Little Sisters’. Jasper is setting me on fire with his suggestive looks and I want him like always. Two can play that game.

Sitting on the barstool to the left of stage I slowly put the tip of my finger in my mouth and circle it leisurely. Jasper can see exactly what I am doing and he is watching intently for my next move. I slip my finger halfway in my mouth and twirl it around suggestively. I see him visibly gulp and then place my whole finger in my mouth and suck, popping it out when I’m done. He smirks, giving me a sweltering look and I know he’s gotten my message loud and clear. I blow him a kiss, relishing in this open affection between us.

They wrap up their set and I can’t wait to throw my arms around my man. I am sitting with V, tapping my foot impatiently when Lucas walks over and grapples her into a big bear hug. I hear her giggle, but don’t pay them much attention as I am looking around for Jasper. He is usually not too far away from Lucas, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

I’m about to interrupt Lucas and V’s snogfest to question him to the whereabouts of Jasper, but then I catch sight of the reason for his delay. That reason slaps me in the face and that reason is none other than Indie.

Why is she here and more importantly why is she barreling Jasper into a corner. Before I can stop myself I leap out of my seat and walk over, purposely standing beside Jasper, staking my claim.

He places an arm around my waist and kisses my cheek. “Hey baby.”

“Hey you, nice show,” I reply leaning into his lips feeling his stubble abrade my face.

“Nice show yourself.” He smirks referring to my earlier sexual suggestions. I smile elated.

Mission accomplished!

Indie clears her throat obviously annoyed we aren’t acknowledging her royal highness.

“Hi Indie, what are you doing here?” Straight to the point, that’s me these days.

“Well, I am here because Jasper’s mom asked me to talk to him.” I stare confused and it takes a moment for me to process her sentence because I feel like she has just slapped me.

“About what?” I question looking at them both after finding my voice.

Jasper shrugs while his hands are shoved deep into his pockets. “She’s really sick.”

Wow now I feel like both cheeks have been slapped.

“Oh God I’m sorry, what happened?” I ask concerned that the news is dire.

“This is something private between Jasper and me.” Indie snarls flicking back her mane.

I am about to bite the bitches head off but Jasper stops me. “Indie enough. What you have to say to me involves Ava, she’s my girlfriend.”

Wow, now I feel like I have been KO! Girlfriend. He doesn’t use that term often and when he does I always feel a little giddy. Judging by the bitter look on Indie’s face, giddy is the furthest emotion she’s feeling right now.

She ignores Jasper and snaps, “Fine whatever. The doctor found a lump in your moms’ breast Jasper, and its cancer. The good news is they caught it early so they can cut it out, they say she should be fine but she will lose her breast.”

Jasper looks stunned but not overly glum. I knew his relationship with his mom was strained, but I didn’t realize how much so, until I see his non reaction to being told his mom has cancer. If I found out my mom had breast cancer I would be an inconsolable mess on the floor right now.

Then another thought pops into my head, why does Indie know this? I know they grew up together, but seriously she still keeps in touch with Jasper’s mom after she knows what she did to him as a child? Another reason to hate this soulless bitch!

“Jasper I know you and your mom haven’t spoken in a while but she’s really sorry. She’s changed. She’s a different person now. She wants to rebuild your relationship, you owe her that.”

Indie is standing all righteous like, with her hand propped on her hip and I can’t bite my tongue. “That doesn’t make up for all the shit he had to put up with as a kid. She should have been a different person twenty years ago when her husband was beating up a defenseless child.”

Indie glares at me with a death stare laced with malevolence. “Just because he is currently fucking your brains out doesn’t mean you know anything about him or his past.”

I can’t stop myself and I angrily shrug off Jasper as he places his hand on my upper arm to stop me from exploding. “Oh and you know him so well? You’re okay being friends with his mom who was too busy drowning in pills than being a parent! That doesn’t surprise me though; I shouldn’t expect much from an immoral whore!”

Its game on as Indie and I close the distance between us, ready to go to war. As luck would have it, ‘The Kill’ by 30 Seconds to Mars is the background music for our smackdown.

Luckily Jasper intervenes stepping between us before I claw her eyes out. “Hey enough both of you! Indie tell my mom it’s going to take a lot more than crocodile tears to forget what a shitty parent she was. And you,” he chuckles at me, while I am glaring eye daggers at Indie’s stupid Botox face. “Calm the fuck down Rocky. I’m taking you home before you do something you regret.”

I snort. “Oh believe me if it has anything to do with taking that bitch down, it won’t be something I regret. I’d rather enjoy it!”

Indie’s nostrils are flaring in rage. “Try it tramp. I dare you!”

That’s it; I lunge forward because this bitch is going down! This has been a long time coming.

Jasper seizes my arm, all the while laughing hysterically as he is hauling me off into the opposite direction of Indie. We are glaring at each other over Jasper’s shoulder, two petite females ready to engage in the biggest showdown with Jasper being our referee. I attempt a mad dash forward but Jaspers is like a brick shithouse and I am pushed outside with him standing in front of the door to obstruct my pathway of retribution.