I Surrender (16 page)

I shake the cat food container. Still nothing. Just as I start to worry I hear his little bell chime from across the road. As I walk through the kitchen to let him in, I hear brakes squealing and a horrible thud followed by a car speeding off. My heart drops into my stomach and I can't open the door fast enough.

I leap down the stairs and my mouth falls open in disbelief as I stare at Oscar lying in the middle of the road, motionless. I run as fast as I can to reach him. Tears are falling down my cheeks as I stop and fall to my knees to check if he is alive. His heart is beating so faintly and I know I need to get him help now or he’ll die.

Ripping off my sweater frantically, I bundle him up and he lets out a pained meow. “I know buddy I'm sorry. You just hold on. Don't you give up on me."

There is only one place I'm going... Why does it feel like the words I just whispered to Oscar is appropriate to the man I am running to.

Chapter 22:

Second Chances

I
break another fifty road laws, my tires squealing as I pull into the shelter’s parking lot. I run to the passenger seat where I gently pick up Oscar and cradle him to my chest. He looks dead, and then I see his little chest rising faintly. I leave my car door open and bolt to the front door. The door chimes as I enter and my eyes search frantically for Jasper, but he is nowhere in sight.

I shoulder the staff door open and rush to the back area where he usually hangs if it’s a quiet night. I call out to him like a raving lunatic down the hallway and thankfully I see his head peek around the end doorway confused. His startled eyes must be taking in my disarrayed state. I know I look a mess, with my black yoga pants, ripped tank top and heavy tears mixed with Oscar’s blood smears.

"Ava what's wrong?” He comes running down the hallway and sees the limp form I am holding out to him.

His eyes widen in alarm. "Shit. Take him into room three. I’ll call the Vet."

He rushes into the office while I place Oscar on the silver gurney. My vision is blurred with my endless tears as I am patting an unmoving Oscar. Jasper rushes in and starts the prep for what I assume the Vet has asked him to organize before he arrives. Jasper works quickly, his delicate hands preparing the devices that will save Oscar’s life. I hope.

I breakdown and place my head on the gurney cooing Oscar that it'll be alright, but I can't guarantee him that. Jasper stands beside me, apprehensively at first but when he sees my shoulders shuddering in anguish he gently rubs my back. His heady scent assails my nostrils and I bite back a sob. I have missed him so much. He looks just as I remember, stunning, but I wish our reunion was under better terms.

"He will be okay Ava I promise. He's a tough little guy." His words calm me somewhat, but as I look down at Oscar I know he doesn’t have long.

"How long until the vet gets here?" I snivel when Oscar lets out a little injured meow.

"Not long, only a couple more minutes. He was out on a house call. He'll be here soon I promise.” Jasper is stroking my back trying to comfort me but I am a mess. His blue eyes are assessing me with such tenderness and care, the concern clear in his beautiful cerulean eyes.

Oh God how did I stuff things up with Jasper. I don’t deserve the compassion he is showing me and a fresh set of tears fall down my cheeks.

He pulls me into his arms and kisses the side of my neck. "Let it out. I'm here for you. I promise I always will be."

*****

True to Jasper's word, the Vet arrives two minutes later. Jasper tells me to wait in the lunchroom while he helps the Vet attend to Oscar. I feel sick. If I had eaten it would have been thrown up hours ago. What's taking so long? I pace the small lunch room with a long communal table, sink and coffee machine. I am about to rush out there when Jasper comes in looking exhausted.

I run up to him staring into his eyes for answers. "Is he okay? What happened? Oh my God is he…dead?" I choke on the last question.

Jasper pulls me into a tight embrace and murmurs into my hair, "He's going to be fine Ava. He had a few injuries but the doc fixed him up. He'll need to stay for a week but he will be okay. I will personally make sure he is given the VIP treatment while he is in here.”

The relief is overwhelming and if I wasn't in Jasper's arms I would have collapsed. ”Here sit down. Let me get you some water," Jasper says placing me into a seat while going over to the water fountain.

I watch the muscles contract under his t-shirt as he bends down to pour me a glass of water and I know I was so stupid to compare my feelings for him to Harper. The way Jasper makes me feels, I've never felt this way for anyone, not even Harper and that scares me.

Jasper hands me the water and takes a seat next to me. He is looking at me cautiously, like I might break down at any second. “Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"

"Give me your hand," I order softly.

Jasper looks puzzled, raising his eyebrow, but entrusts me with his hand. I place his palm over my heart and look into his deep blue eyes. I exhale a brave breath and confess.

"What you make me feel in here, it scares me.” I use his own words back at him, so maybe he can understand how I am feeling.

“Your generosity, your convictions and your heart they astound me." I then place my hand over his heart.

We are standing with our hands on each other’s rapidly beating chests, just staring endlessly at one another. He has an inscrutable look on his face but I don’t care. I need him to know how I feel. No matter how late it is.

“Jasper White you overwhelm me." And for once I lean in to kiss his stunned lips.

At first he hesitates, but I quickly encourage him to open his mouth wider so I am able to invade his warmth. He at last gives in with a soft sigh crushing me to his chest. His heart is beating frantically and I am breathing heavily, drowning in everything Jasper. I need him more than my own breath.

I run my hands through his tousled hair which has grown since I last touched it. I can’t stop myself and I grab a fistful of his luscious locks and pull, which elicits a soft moan from him and he bites my lip passionately. I press my chest into his, desperate to get lost in him. I want this man with my last breath but then I feel him pulling away. I’ve lost him; I’ve left it too late to apologize for my stupidity. My heart breaks with his withdrawal.

He gazes intently at me, resting his forehead on mine. “This doesn't change anything you know that."

"I know," I sigh sorrowfully. “I’m sorry Jasper. What I said to you was unforgiveable and you have every right to hate me.”

"I could never hate you Ava, but I needed to hear that weeks ago." Jasper pulls away, his lips are wet and inviting and I suffer a profound sadness that I may never kiss those lips ever again.

"Better late than never." I half heartily joke but he notices my discomfort.

"Thank you for being honest but it’s hard for me to forget. I’ve forgiven you, but I will never forget the feeling of being told you may never be able to fall in love again. I would be stupid to accept anything but all of you, because that's what I want… I want to possess you mind, body and soul."

I have no one to blame but myself and I drop my head overwhelmed. "I'm sorry," I reply mournfully.

"Me too but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. I’ve really missed you. I think we know how to be friends, it's just the other stuff we seem to suck at." More like I suck at.

Jasper gazes at me with big hopeful eyes, chewing on his scar and I am transfixed on his mouth, but I look away quickly. I can’t look at him because if I was to be honest I would argue with him, stamp my foot in protest that I don’t want to be his friend, I want more. I am ready now. It took this stupid time apart for me to realize that I am ready.

But he doesn’t want that, he's made that point loud and clear, so if friendship is all he can offer me then I’ll take it. I prefer that than the alternative of not having him in my life at all.

I push down my heartache and half smile. "Okay." I’ll have to live with the error of my ways.

Jasper looks satisfied, while I want to ball my eyes out. "So here’s to Jasper and Ava’s friendship part two." He extends his hand.

I look at it cautiously; I don't want to shake it. I want it to be running down my face, in my hair, over my body.

But I take it gingerly and smile. “Here’s to second chances."

But inside my torrent of tears submerge my soul.

Chapter 23:

Merry Christmas

W
ork is busier than it’s been all year because it’s a week before Christmas. I usually love Christmas, but this year I will not be standing under any mistletoe, because the person I want to kiss just wants to be friends. Being Jasper’s friend this second time around has been awful. How can I be friends with a man when I know what it’s like to be held in those arms? To know how he sets my lips alight with his kisses. I want to touch him freely, run my hands through his hair but I can’t, because we’re just friends. That word which should signify unity and happiness makes me want to puke. How did I manage to mess things up with Jasper so badly? Oh yeah that’s right, by being an insecure cry baby, that’s how.

I can blame Harper all I want, but deep down I know Jasper is right. I am too afraid to give Jasper my all, in case I get hurt again. I am a coward.

A little piece of me dies every time a glance between us lasts too long or an accidental touch lingers. I am breaking apart inside. I know he feels it too. But I have hurt him by being an idiot, by not committing to him completely, like he was with me. I need to grow up. Why am I so afraid of someone who has given me no reason to be? But I go along with the charade, as not having Jasper in my life is not an option.

*****

It’s Christmas Eve and I am frantically trying to shop for everyone's gifts before everything shuts down for the holidays. I have everything for everyone, even a gift for Jasper which I specially ordered. I know it’s a little personal but it reminded me of him.

Loading up the car I avoid colliding with crazy last minute Christmas shoppers and I wonder what Jasper is up to for Christmas. I pull out my iPhone while warming myself up in my car.

He's been very vague as to where he plans to spend his Christmas and I have an inking that's because he's staying home alone. I know he won't be going to Lucas' as V is meeting his parents for the first time tomorrow so it's just family. Andy and Mariah are in Hawaii and Jasper's other friends, even his roommate is with family.

Friends invite friends to Christmas lunch right? I know my parents would never want a friend of mine to be alone on Christmas Day. So I text him:

what U up 2 2mro?"

I pull out of the parking lot and head home. Within two minutes my phone dings indicating a new message, it's from Jasper.

sleepin' u?

I stop at a red light and quickly reply:

Lunch with parents. Sleeping?? But it's Christmas :(

Good time to catch up… zzzzz

I laugh and type out a quick reply while waiting for the light to change:

U told me sleep is overrated

He texts back within ten seconds:

That was before I met u, U wear me out lol

I cringe, what the hell does that mean? I wish that were true! I am staring at the screen trying to decode his message when I hear a honk alerting me that the light has changed to green. I quickly apologize to the driver behind me by signaling an apologetic wave over my shoulder in hopes they see me.

His comment is playing on my mind and I have to reply. I pull over this time and tap out:

After U catch up on UR beauty sleep, want 2 come over 4 Christmas lunch. U’d be doing me a fav.

He doesn't reply for a long while and I start to get paranoid; maybe I shouldn’t have invited him. Have I overstepped some friendship boundary?

As I am lugging my shopping into the house, I feel my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket. I quickly retrieve it and smile when I see it’s from Jasper:

Okay :)

*****

I leap down the stairs singing a Christmas carol, I am overjoyed. It’s Christmas, my favorite time of the year once again, thanks to someone coming to lunch with me. V is making coffee in her pajamas.

I grapple her into a bear hug. "Merry Christmas V!" She laughs while trying to hug me and pour coffee at the same time.

"Merry Christmas Ava. Gee someone is pumped up on Christmas cheer. You get into the spiked eggnog early?” she jokes.

"What’s not to love about the holidays? Eat drink be merry and all that." I sashay across the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee while humming.

V raises a suspicious eyebrow. "You're spending today with Jasper aren't you?"

I look remotely guilty as I gulp down my coffee.

"I'm not judging, he’s snapped you out of your mood and I’m happy. And it's good he's got someone to spend today with.” V continues sipping her coffee, leaning a hip against the kitchen counter.

"That's what friends do; they invite one another to ones Christmas lunches when they are alone," I reply pitifully, there is no point trying to convince her.

"Ah ha." V frowns totally unbelieving of my tale.

I stick my tongue out playfully. "If you keep being such a Grinch you won't get your Christmas presents." V puts on her biggest smile.

"Better."

I giggle as we run into the living room to exchange gifts like little kids.

After we have waffles for breakfast and unwrap our Christmas presents I run up stairs to get ready. I've decided to wear my red dress and little black cardigan. I love getting dressed up at Christmas, I don't do it often enough during the year. I am slipping on a beautiful pair of onyx earrings V got me for Christmas singing away; nothing can dampen my mood today. I hear my phone chirp and I wonder who it could be. I look at myself in the mirror and smile. My reflection smiles back. I look cheerful. My phone chirps again, a reminder of the awaiting text message.

It's from Jasper; he must be wishing me a Merry Christmas before I see him.

Rage flushes my cheeks when I open his message:

Merry Xmas. Can't come. ..Sorry xx

Oh hell no!!

*****

I am quite the delinquent behind the wheel these days. I make it in record time to Jasper’s house. I storm to the front door and charge straight in, not bothering to knock. I see Jasper lying on the couch, his bare feet propped up on the recliner. He looks stunned at my abrupt entrance.

I storm over to him and demand. “What the hell do you mean you can’t come? You don’t look like you have somewhere important to be.”

He simply stares at me and mutes the TV. When he doesn’t answer my question I prompt him, cocking an annoyed eyebrow at him. “Well?”

“What are you doing here? Don’t you know how to knock?” He asks sitting up looking adorable with his ruffled bed hair. But I won’t let his good looks distract me. Well I will try not to.

His reply enrages me further and I snap, “Excuse me if my manners have taken a holiday, like everyone else!”

He has the nerve to smile at me, biting his lip in amusement. “Why are you so mad?”

“Because…” I stammer. Yeah Ava, why are you so mad I question myself.

“Because..?” He inquires crossing his arms over his chest expecting an answer. I steer my eyes away from his sculptured chest as that can definitely be counted as a distraction. A BIG distraction.

“Because I told my parents you were coming and my mother has prepared a feast to feed a hundred people. She will be disappointed if I turn up alone.” What a lame excuse, but it is all I can come up with.

“I’m sure your mother will be busy cooking and be glad she has one less mouth to feed.” He entwines his hands behind his head stretching, and in the process exposing a slither of his ripped stomach. I can feel my eyes drift there on their accord. Damn him, he is doing this on purpose. I close my eyes and take a calming breath. Once my hormones have subsided, I open my eyes and peer at Jasper who looks mighty satisfied with himself.

“Why won’t you come?” I ask him. Jasper shrugs giving me an impassive look. Then a thought hits me and I want to flee. I assemble enough courage and ask softly, “Would you prefer to spend Christmas alone, than with me?”

Oh God that was it. I blanch at the scene I have made and I feel my breath catch in my throat.

“Ava no, that’s not it.” Jasper quickly leaps up from his chair, grasping my arms and looking me in the eyes.

“Then what is it?” I ask biting my lip in apprehension.

He sighs. “Christmas has never been my favorite holiday. As a kid it was the most depressing time of the year, not the best like it should be for most kids. With a family like mine, I wished Santa would give me a new family for Christmas. It never happened.”

Of course, I am so stupid. I should have figured the holidays were never a good time for him. Ugh, I deserve a lump of coal in my Christmas stocking this year!

I suddenly want to change that for him. I want this to be the best Christmas ever. I hope I am not crossing some line as I whisper, “You’re not a child anymore. I think it’s time to change your opinion on the best holiday of the year. Don’t let your family ruin Christmas for you as an adult.” We are quiet for a moment as he looks deep in thought.

I continue. “And please don’t let my stupidity get in the way of you having a good day with good people and good food.” I want him to enjoy himself, just for today; maybe he can forget what an idiot I am for hurting him. A ghost of a smile passes over his mouth. I think I have nearly won him over.

“And my mom makes the best apple pie. The tedious boring family traditions are well worth it, just for a slice of her warm apple pie.” I cringe when I realize my comment could be interrupted quite crudely.

Jasper laughs when he sees my reaction. “Well in that case how can I resist an offer like that?”

I knew he would come around; he just needed some coaxing and bribing.

“Merry Christmas Jasper.” I whisper and the words warm my heart. I peer up at him and his beauty astounds me. I really want to hug him, well truthfully I want to throw my arms around his neck and fist his untidy hair but I stop myself. Only just.

“Merry Christmas Ava.” He looks down at me, his head tipped to the side. I am fidgeting with my silver rings, avoiding his unreadable gaze. He then surprises me by opening up his arms and I hesitantly step into his welcoming embrace. I bury my neck into his chest and am showered with his rich fragrance. What a way to spend Christmas morning.

Lost in all things Jasper, I suddenly remember. “I have your Christmas present in the car, but we’re running late. Can I give it to you later?”

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he murmurs into my hair.

“I know but I wanted to.” To make up for my idiocy I silently add.

Still in his embrace he sighs contentedly. “I’ve got all I want for Christmas.”

Too afraid and confused to ask I only nod and enjoy being in his arms on Christmas morning.

*****

We walk up my parents’ driveway and Jasper looks slightly nervous. I look over at him as I ring the doorbell. He is wiping his hands onto his jeans. I am surprised to see Jasper so tense. He has no need to be, but then I remember his confession that Christmas time has not been a happy one for him in the past. So I promise myself I will change that, starting with today.

My mom answers the door engulfing me into a huge hug. “Merry Christmas honey.” I pat her back uncomfortably. Mom gets way too emotional at Christmas and I am afraid if I return her hug too enthusiastically she will cry.

“Thanks mom,” I whisper still trapped in her death grip. When she finally lets go I point to Jasper. “This is my friend Jasper.”

“Hello Mrs. Thompson. Merry Christmas, thank you for inviting me.” Jasper smiles politely, cerulean eyes shining brightly. Ten points for manners.

My mom looks at Jasper and I can tell she is thinking what every hot blooded woman thinks when first meeting him. WOW! She clears her throat and smiles. “That’s okay Jasper, please call me Maggie. Come in.” I am stunned that my mom is going to let one of my friends call her by her first name. This is certainly a Christmas for firsts.

Mom leads the way into the heavily Christmas decorated living room humming some random Christmas carol. I look over at Jasper who still looks a little worried. Raising my eyebrows I whisper, ‘Please call me Maggie.’ It is lame impression of my mother but I get the response I want as Jasper snorts back a chuckle.

Dad is talking to my Uncle Charlie and beams when he sees me. “Merry Christmas, Princess.”

I run over and give my dad a big hug. “Merry Christmas dad, this is my friend Jasper.”

My dad raises a suspicious eyebrow. Oh no, the last friend that was a boy that I introduced to my parents was Harper and look how that turned out. Sadly, Jasper’s good looks haven’t won my dad over, although I would have been a little concerned if they did.

Dad shakes Jasper’s hand suspiciously. “Merry Christmas Mr. Thompson. Thank you for having me.”

My dad nods with an apprehensive look. Before the scene can get any more uncomfortable I cry out, “I’m starving. When is lunch ready?”

Dad is still giving Jasper an intimidating look. This is so awkward I want to stab myself with mom’s little tooth picked sandwiches she’s passing around. Thank God food is being served, what a great distraction.

*****

Christmas lunch is nearly over and my parents haven’t embarrassed me beyond belief. Yet.

I am helping my mom clear the table for desserts when dad asks, “So Jasper what kind of friends are you and my daughter?” Oh God! I drop the plate I am holding resulting in peas rolling all over the table and floor.

“Dad!” I reprimand glaring at him shaking my head with a stiff upper lip, trying to transmit in code not to pursue this topic.

“What, princess, the last boy you bought over here that was a friend was that good for nothing Harper.” Looks like my code signaling blows ass!

Can’t I even escape his name on Christmas day? I don’t know what to say, I am mortified.

Jasper smirks as I peer at him from the corner of my eye. “No I agree with you Mr. Thompson, Harper is a good for nothing SOB.” My dad looks at Jasper silently, a long awkward silence passes.

I stare from Jasper to my dad and back to Jasper. This is emotional ping pong!

Then my dad laughs unexpectedly. “Well put son, I’ll drink to that!” and then just like that Jasper and my dad are best friends saluting over my SOB ex!