I Surrender (5 page)

Chapter 9:

Girlfriend

M
y cheek feels cool where Jasper has quickly removed his fingers, like a child being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The look on Jasper’s face is one I cannot interpret; his mouth is open, ready to speak but then he closes it quickly, changing his mind. He looks slightly annoyed and frustrated like he is unhappy with Indie, and I have a feeling he doesn’t agree with the title she just loosely threw around.

“Well... I’m waiting,” asks Indie, tapping her stiletto foot impatiently. I am shocked; all I can hear on repeat is the word boyfriend. I shouldn’t be upset, but I am.

“Indie, calm down. We were just talking; there is no need to overact,” Jasper says rubbing his forehead.

“Overact? You didn’t just tell me a girl dribbling all over you doesn’t merit a reaction!” Indie is glaring daggers at me and all I can think is wow merit, that’s a big word for the Barbie doll.

“Look there is nothing to be mad about okay. There is nothing to explain because there was nothing going on, right Ava?” Jasper asks me coolly. There was indeed nothing going on per se, but then again I felt like we were sharing another moment. Am I totally that out of touch with the male species?

Clearing my throat I affirm his statement. “Jasper is right Indie, we were just talking. I just broke up with my boyfriend, a bad breakup and Jasper was lending an ear, that’s all.”

Indie still seething flicks back her hair. “Fine, but next time you want to
talk
keep your hands to yourself.” I didn’t dare clarify my hands were indeed to myself but it was
her
boyfriend whose hands were not. Yes I know I wasn’t innocent but it was my cheek, technically my
hands
were not involved.

“Okay yeah sure, sorry,” I mumble uncomfortably.

Jasper clears his throat, obviously ill at ease with the situation. “Indie, Ava, do you want a drink? I’ll go inside and get you one.”

Indie still glaring at me crosses hers arms. “Yeah sure thanks; you know how I take it.” I cringe at the obvious sexual innuendo and Jasper blanches.

I decline, silently shaking my head no.

“I’ll catch you around soon Ava,” he whispers quickly, taking off and leaving me alone with the queen of all bitches. I push my back off the railing, desperate to make an escape, but she steps forward, her hand slapping down on the banister in front of me, foiling my plans to retreat.

Stepping inches from my face she hisses. “Listen here
bitch,
whatever sob story you have fed Jasper you will quit it with the innocent eyes and leave him the fuck alone. He is mine and he will NEVER leave me for you, got it? You will not talk to him, look at him, or talk to him via your annoying little friend, nothing. You act as if Jasper doesn’t exist. Go back to the depressing place you crawled out from and if I ever, EVER see you talking to Jasper again I will personally make your life a living hell. You think your breakup was bad; I will make that pain seem like a picnic. Stay the fuck away.”

My chest is rising in panicked breaths, my temper is about to boil over and I am picturing tossing Indie over the railing whilst doing a victory dance in the process. I take several calming breaths and close my eyes. What can I say? She’s right, if the tables were turned and I saw Harper touching another in such a way I would be behaving like Indie, maybe not as crazed but I understood. Love makes you do crazy things. Yup, that fact established loud and clear. So I do all I can do, I nod deflated and walk away.

Walking into the lounge room I see V sitting on the armrest of the chair Lucas is occupying. Seeing my face, which I can imagine looks confused and hurt she reads me instantly. Hopping up quickly she races over to my side.

"Are you okay? What's happened you look like you've been crying?"

I try to muster the bravest smile. "I'm okay V just tired, would it be okay if Lucas took you home?"

V raises an eyebrow. "Sure yes of course he can. I'm worried about you though. I can leave now with you."

"No its okay you stay you're having a good night. Don't let me ruin it. I just want to go to bed." V looks at me unconvinced.

"I'm sure V." I am defeated and just want to go home.

She sighs and nods. "Okay. But you need me for anything you call." Looking around she tries to attract Lucas' attention so I can say goodbye, but he seems to be in a deep conversation with Andy. I look around the room and see those cerulean eyes looking at me regretfully.

I give him a look, one filled with disappointment and finality. I will respect Indie’s request and leave Jasper alone. I convince myself that's why I'll no longer talk to him or even look his way. Not the fact that Jasper disregarded our moment as nothing. I don't know why I expected anything more. I couldn't rely on Harper, why would I expect anything more from Jasper, a complete stranger.

Jasper face is one of concern, his brow crinkling with disarray. It appears he is about to walk over to me, but Indie saunters to his side whispering God knows what into his ear, while smiling a cat got the cream grin. I look away disgusted. I'm done. Why is this upsetting me so? I have only spoken to this guy twice, but yet I feel somewhat envious of Indie salivating all over him.

V notices our exchange and looks at me suspiciously. "What is going on with you and Jasper? Is he the reason why you're leaving early?"

I can't lie to my best friend so I only shake my head indicating I don't want to talk about it. I know I'm in for an inquisition when she comes home, but I can’t talk about this with so many people around.

"We’ll talk about this later."

I pull her into a tight hug waving my goodbyes to everyone.

I allow myself one last glance at Jasper who is still looking at me with defeat. I memorize those eyes and close the door on everything Jasper.

Driving home I let a single tear escape. I wipe it away furiously. Why the hell am I crying? Is it because Jasper disregarded something I felt was special shared between us. Why do I care? I've sworn to myself I won't let another be the center of my universe. The next relationship I'm getting involved in is with me. I am going to heal myself, heal my heart. How can I make anyone else happy, when I am not happy with myself?

Chapter 10:

Save Me

"
O
kay spill it.” And obviously no small talk with V this morning.

I stare at my soy chai Latte, puffing an exhausted sigh. It's Sunday and I really don't want to talk about last night. However, I know she won't let this go and I might feel better after I share. After tossing and turning all night, I was wide awake before the morning sun was peeking through my blinds. I am so tired of being tired and wanting to cry all the time but I can’t sleep. No matter how hard I try not only one pair of blue eyes haunt me, but now there are two. Like I didn’t have enough problems to deal with.

"V, I really don't know what you want to hear,” I reply honestly.

"How about the truth Ava. You need to talk about this. I don't know what the fuck is going on with you. You've told me
what
happened with Harper but you haven't told me what's important, how you feel. And what is up with you and Jasper. Don't you dare deny it. I can feel the sexual charge bouncing between the two of you.”

There was no point arguing because she was right. I was woman enough to admit that there
was
some weird sexual charge between Jasper and I which made no sense, considering I only just met him. I don’t know what it is, and I am too afraid to question it further. I haven’t even fully faced the whole Harper issue yet. So dealing with whatever ‘this’ is between Jasper and I is something I am in no hurry to explore.

V is looking at me, waiting for an answer. I shrug overwhelmed. "V, the Harper thing it hurts. It hurts every day; waking up and getting out of bed is a chore. I want to cry most of the time and if I don't want to cry, I want to scream. I want to scale the tallest building and scream at the top of my lungs, scream and scream into the wind, ‘why did this happen to me’. What did I do to deserve this? But then I question myself, what's the point. How's that going to make me feel better. It's not. It's just going to keep this awful cycle of Harper hurt on repeat. I want it to end. I want out. And the Jasper thing, V I don't even want to go there because I seriously don't know. It must just be my hormones in overdrive because he’s smoking hot. And anyways, I’m not prepared to do anything with him or anyone else because I broke up with Harper like five minutes ago. I’m just a fucking mess."

V stares at me, like she's only really seen me for the first time since my return. Tears form in her bright eyes, and her hand covers her mouth in sympathy.

"Ava I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were feeling this way. I knew you were hurting, but babe, these feelings you have, they are serious."

I only nod because I’m out of words. I'm afraid V is going to look at me differently; endless hugs and support aren't going to be enough this time.

"What happened last night with Jasper?" she asks me hesitantly like I might crumble at any moment.

"Indie happened," I reply bluntly.

"Oh God what did that bitch do?"

"She warned me off Jasper in a not so subtle way." V narrows her eyes angrily; this Indie reaction must be contagious.

"I don't know what the fuck Jasper is doing with her. She is a right royal pain in the ass. They make up and break up so much it gives me whiplash. I don't know what he sees in her. He's such a great guy and she's, she’s just a Botox injection away from being Barbie’s big sister. What they have in common is a mystery to everyone." And again with the accurate analogies.

"What's their story? Are they dating or not?" I need to find out their history because Jasper’s reaction to him being called her boyfriend was not a pleasant one.

"Oh don't get me started. They have been together since high school on and off of course. They break up for months at a time, and then she comes crawling back, legs spread and he forgives her." That doesn’t answer my question. All it does is leave a nasty visual I wish I could singe from my brain.

Cringing I question, "Since high school? Wow that's a long time. Has he seen anyone in between Indie?"

"Av, Jasper is different. I've never seen him with a girlfriend, only Indie. Lucas said Indie is the closest thing to a "normal" relationship he's had. He sleeps around because he certainly doesn’t lack female suitors, but honestly since I’ve known him, I haven’t seen him with a steady partner, apart from Indie which doesn’t really count. I don’t think he really knows what it’s like to be in a faithful, loving relationship.”

I am really confused but more so humiliated that I shared an emotionally charged moment with an emotional reject! So my wires
were
obviously crossed. What I thought was pure, heartfelt and just sweet Jasper probably viewed in the same light as discussing the weather. I am such an idiot. I internally criticize myself for thinking we shared something.

"Av, what are you thinking?" If only she knew.

"Nothing V. I don't want to talk about Jasper or Harper anymore. I need to focus on me and decide what's next for me. I don't think I can go back to school, not yet. I need a job though. I've decided something unchallenging and brainless is right up my alley."

“Wow sounds rewarding," V jokes.

"That's what I need to do. It’s the only thing that makes sense right now. Throw my ass into a boring job and hope my answers to life miraculously appear whilst earning minimum wage."

V laughs. “I love you Ava. You're my best friend, my sister and I know how strong, determined and wise you are. You'll figure this out. You always do.”

I wish I had her confidence in myself.

"Are you coming to ‘Little Sisters’ for dinner and some tunes tonight? Everyone is going."

I shake my head. "No. I want to start checking out jobs online. No time like the present to change the world with my dazzling CV."

V smiles at me lovingly. "Ava Thompson things will work out you'll see. You've had your share of bad luck, seriously what else could go wrong?

Life has been unpredictable thus far; I don’t even want to think about what could happen next.

*****

I am so glad I stayed home. V tried numerous plea bargains for me to join her at dinner but she finally gave up, and I at last have the house to myself. I put on my well-loved blue jeans and casual tank top while my microwave lasagna is reheating. I sit up on the kitchen bench dangling my feet over the edge pondering where I go from here. I know that throwing myself into work is a plausible idea, but for how long. I still want to send that email to Harper and try for closure. But what would I say? Fuck you for breaking my heart? Why did you do it? Are you happy? I love you? I groan at my stupidity for thinking the latter thought. I need to get over Harper, that ship has sailed and I’ve missed the maiden journey. I knew this breakup was going to hurt, but for how long?

While my meal is cooking away, I sit down at the kitchen table attempting to start my CV. Staring at the blank screen with the black cursor flashing at me, I close the lid irritably. How do I sugar coat ‘drop out’ on my CV?

Thumping my head lightly on the table as if that will give me the answer I seek, the doorbell chimes. I look up at the clock, 9.00pm that’s early for V to be home, dinner was at seven. Then another thought registers, why would V ring her own doorbell.

I walk through the living room to answer the door and groan. It looks like a tornado has ripped through our house leaving debris everywhere in its destructive path. While processing the disorder strewed around the room, I lose my footing stubbing my toe on a lone dumbbell cursing as I tumble while opening the door. I fall into a set of arms luckily or I would have face planted onto the cement. My stomach drops as I glance up at my knight in shining armor, his cerulean eyes assessing me cautiously.

Fuck, its Jasper.

Chapter 11:

Friends and Fire

“
W
h…What are you doing here?” I stutter while staring into Jaspers’ eyes. He has a tight hold around me; I squirm to stand on my own two feet. I can’t be having this conversation with him while he’s holding me like we are about to tango.

He lets go reluctantly and replies low, “I came to see you.” That’s it? He offers me no other explanation.

“Okay well you saw me. Mission accomplished, see ya,” I say retreating into the safety of the house, away from Jasper and those eyes. He plants his combated foot into the doorway as I attempt to shut the door in his face. Rude I know, but I can’t deal with this right now… or ever.

“Why didn’t you come to dinner?” he asks his eyes peering at me through the wedge of the door, the door I am still trying to close but his tenacious foot is prohibiting that.

“I’m not hungry.” At that precise moment, the traitorous microwave dings. The corners of his mouth are turned up in amusement.

“I wasn’t hungry before but I am now.” Not that my appetite is any of his business. “So please move your foot out of my doorway so I can go enjoy my meal, alone.” Nice try Ava, no way is that foot moving an inch.

“I want to talk to you Ava…about last night.” Jasper’s words halt my actions.

“There is nothing to discuss.” I shrug dismissively, attempting to hide my discomfort.

“There most definitely is. I know you and Indie had words after I left.” Getting a verbal slaying from Indie is far more than ‘words.’

“Yes we had words, and?” I leave the questions hanging.

“She had no right to say anything to you. I know she can be harsh but she felt threatened.” Jasper replies. His face is blank, giving nothing away.

My temper flares, and that rage is evident in the sudden color flushing my cheeks. “What? How the hell did I threaten her?” She was the one that threatened to give me a beat down UFC style.

“You threatened her figuratively.” He senses my fury and averts his eyes, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Jasper quit it with the vagueness. I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” This conversation is going nowhere and my dinner is getting cold!

Jasper looks uncomfortable, but I make my intentions clear by giving him a pointed look. He has ten seconds to explain himself before I slam this door shut.

He gets the message, loud and clear. “She feels threatened about… you and me.” He replies awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.

“You and me?”

I cannot deal with the emotional turmoil of being around Jasper, but I need to clarify what he meant by ‘you and me.’ “What exactly about you and me is there for her to feel threatened about?” I question, suddenly very interested in his answer.

He only clears his throat, looking everywhere but at me. Could it be, Jasper actually felt something during our moment? Maybe I wasn’t imagining things.

Meeting my eyes, he gives me an ambiguous smile. “Can I please come in? I really don’t want an audience.” Nodding his chin towards Mrs. Carmichael, whose nosey head can be seen through her kitchen window watching our unusual exchange.

He is right. This spectacle is one I don’t want the whole neighborhood gossiping about so, reluctantly I open the door. He steps inside and peers around the living area. I am suddenly very self aware of the messy state my house is in, and most importantly my attire. While this man stands before me looking like God’s gift to women, I look like I have ransacked a homeless person.

I try desperately to collect magazines, lip glosses and clothes off the sofa for Jasper to sit down. Hands full with nowhere to put anything neatly, I toss them behind the couch, out of sight, out of mind. All the while Jasper is looking at me with that smirk, his left dimple more pronounced than I have ever seen it. Well, I am pleased one of us is amused.

“Please sit, sorry about the mess.” He sits on one end of the sofa while I am pushed up against the other end with nowhere to go because the arm rest is obstructing an escape. I feel embarrassed around him, on edge even. I feel like a frightened animal assessing the threat presented before her. Jasper on the other hand looks quite relaxed and calm. With his right hand leaning causally against the back of the sofa he turns in to look at me. I subtly move back, damn this arm rest!

“Ava why are you so nervous?” he asks calmly, almost smug.

Yeah Ava why
are
you so nervous. That’s the million dollar question.

“I’m not nervous,” I reply lamely, looking around the room for the quickest escape route.

“Then why do you look like you’re about to scream bloody murder if I breathe the wrong way?”

His smile is infectious but I am pissed off with his smugness so I abruptly answer, “Ha ha. So you wanted to talk, talk! I don’t have time for this shit.”

That wipes that arrogant look off his face. Win for Ava!

“I just wanted to apologize for what Indie said to you,” Jasper whispers, giving nothing away.

“You know what she said?” I ask surprised she would tell him.

“I don’t know details but I know she has said something to you. And I wanted to correct what she said in regards to me being her boyfriend.”

That has my attention and I look at him, crossing my arms over my chest, waiting for him to continue.

“I have known Indie since she was fourteen and we have been… on and off for longer than I can remember.” He calls an obvious unstable relationship being ‘on and off.’ I bite my tongue to correct his oversight.

“I appreciate the sentiment, but you have nothing to apologize for. Indie is the one who should be apologizing for being such a gigantic bitch.” Oh crap, I said that out loud.

Jasper is startlingly laughing; did he not hear me call his girlfriend an enormous bitch? Where is his loyalty? Yes Indie is a bitch but if another would dare cuss out on Harper when we were together, they would be in for an ear bashing.

Jasper must see my alarm at his treachery as he quickly explains. “I wanted to clarify; Indie and I are
not
together.” I sit and stare, well God damn I was right.

But I remind myself it doesn’t matter either way because I am staying away from men, but of course curiosity gets the better of me. “What do you mean? You didn’t seem to correct her when she all but sky wrote the fact she was your girlfriend!”

He has a big hole ripped in the knee of his faded blue jeans and an ‘AC/DC’ t-shirt is hugging his taut chest. He looks younger today because he’s clean shaven and with that huge grin plastered all over his face, he appears all the more the delinquent. Why does he find this so amusing? I am so frustrated and he looks like he’s heard the funniest joke.

“Things with Indie and me, they are complicated,” he replies like that’s meant to answer my question.

“Oh God quit it with your Facebook phrases. You’re either together or you’re not. Black and white. Judging by Indie’s reaction to us
talking
last night, I think it’s safe to assume she thinks you guys are together.” Very together I add silently, remembering her promise to make my life a living hell if I even looked in Jaspers’ direction. Gee, I hope she didn’t know about tonight.

“Nothing in a relationship is ever black and white Ava.” Jasper replies, avoiding my eyes.

“I disagree, when you make the decision to spend your life with someone that is black and white.” My views on relationships won’t change just because Harper didn’t know the first thing about loyalty.

“Is that why you’re here now and not in Singapore?” Jasper retorts, crooking an eyebrow at me.

That bastard! I see red, again. I am starting to realize this is a common reoccurrence with Jasper.

I throw my hands out in exasperation. “This is not about me. This is about why your
girlfriend
has an issue with us talking. I was quite happy to respect her wishes but then you show up on my doorstep, an enigma. Please explain as I think I have missed the memo!”

Jasper takes a visible breath. “She got jealous when she saw us together and she wanted to stake her claim. Let me clarify; Indie and I are NOT together. We don’t do the conventional ‘dating’ thing.” Seriously am I meant to understand what that means? I am so confused.

Coming to a conclusion I blurt out, “Oh okay so you just use each other for sex.” Crap, again with the Tourette’s.

Jasper half smiles, “Something like that.”

Is that meant to explain anything, and should I just disregard the thought that is currently going through my mind that Jasper is a manwhore!

“It’s not just sex Ava,” Jasper says intensely.

“Oh my God, can you be any more cryptic?” I roll my eyes annoyed with his games. He looks deliciously sinful as he tongues his upper lip, like he is contemplating his next comment.

“I have known Indie forever. We understand each other. We know where we stand on the relationship front and I’ve made it clear our future will not end in three kids, a white picket fence and a minivan. We comfort each other emotionally and physically.” He replies calmly, while running his hand through his tangled hair.

I however flush when thinking about Jasper comforting Indie ‘physically’. I know a twenty two year old should not be blushing, but taking in Jaspers’ messy hair which is now sticking up in rebellious spikes, his perfect bow lips and that devilish body which naked would look perfect, a girl no matter her age can’t help but redden.

Judging by the verbal bashing I received, I think Jasper needs to have another talk with Indie because her perception of their ‘relationship’ differs vastly from his.

“Okay great, glad we’ve cleared that up, but why did you come here tonight to tell me this?” I want to know the answer, but I am afraid of his response.

Jasper blows a breath through his wicked lips. “I wanted to explain this to you because I… just wanted things to be clear between us.” And again with the ambiguity.

I roll my eyes at him yet again. This conversation is wasting my time and I attempt to get off the couch, putting an end to this pointless discussion, but Jasper quickly recovers.

“Ava I know you don’t know me, but when I want something, I get it. I feel like there is something between us. I know you’ve gone through a messy breakup and I’m well complicated,” he smirks continuing, “but I really don’t want to pass up this opportunity of getting to know you better. Wherever that leads,” he shrugs, “no one knows. But if we don’t pursue it, I think we will both look back with regrets.”

If someone told me Jasper would be sitting on my couch telling me he wants to uncover our something I would have laughed hysterically in their face. But here was Jasper, in my living room telling me just that.

Jasper’s head is cocked to the side, his eyes searching mine. I didn’t realize how blue his eyes really were until now, because they are focused so intently on me. “Please tell me you feel the same, and I haven’t just made an ass of myself.”

I take two deep breaths overcome with emotion. “Yes you’re right, but I can’t offer you anything more than friendship, you get that right?” I reply, wanting to stress the fact that I am in no way looking for a relationship with him or anybody for a while.

Jasper nods. “I understand and I am happy with whatever you want to give. I just want to know what this ‘thing’ is between us,” he replies motioning between the two of us with his fingers.

This is the first lick of sense my life has made since Harper broke my heart. I can do this, I can be Jasper’s friend.

“One problem though, and that is Indie. She will not like us being friends, believe me. She made that point quite clear.”

He frowns firmly. “You let me handle Indie.”

“Okay.” I could do that. “So…what do we do now?”

Jasper laughs. “Well what do friends normally do? Go get coffee, hang out, that kind of stuff. That’s all I’m asking Ava. I’m an artist, I like to explore then write about it. You never know, if you turn out to be as interesting as I think you are, there just might be a hit song about you.”

I throw a pillow at him jokingly. “You most definitely will not be singing about me or our friendship.” This feels nice and normal.

Looking across the sofa at one another, Jasper extends his hand for a handshake. His eyes are unreadable. “Friends?”

I hesitantly move closer and slip my palm into his. A sudden unexpected warmth pools in my belly which throws me off guard. I ignore it and smile. “Friends.”

Our hands stay entwined for a second longer than a friendly handshake should. Being friends should be easy, right?