How We Lived (Entangled Embrace) (5 page)

I didn’t want to, though. Something about Chase made me think of the past, not the present. If I had a memory and could hold it, it would feel like this.

He shifted so his arms were around my waist. “You’re not going anywhere.”

He was right, I wasn’t. I lay there and stared in his eyes for a while until he reached out and moved the hair from around my face. I took the layers in my hand and moved them over my other shoulder. “You don’t like my long hair, do you?”

“I do. I just want to see you.” His fingertips grazed my shoulder and down to my elbow before he grasped my hip. “I need to know this isn’t a dream.”

I swallowed hard. “So sentimental. No wonder girls throw themselves at you.” I stared at the ceiling and willed myself to calm down. This was Chase. No need to freak out. “Not me, though. We’re friends.”

“Are we?” His voice filled with hope and a mixture of something else. Hesitation?

I shrugged but didn’t answer. I didn’t know anymore. I wanted to be, I just didn’t know if we could. His eyes closed and his hold on me tightened. We stayed that way for a while until our body heat built underneath the covers.

Moving the comforter down, I twisted to face him. I needed to remind myself we’d always be like this, that it had
always
been like this. “Remember the big fight you and Kyle had in fifth grade? You guys were supposed to sleep outside in your tent that weekend, but you ended up inviting me instead of him?”

Chase nodded. “He was pissed.”

“Not just pissed. He threw a hissy fit. Like a real, true-to-life toddler tantrum when Mom said I could go and he had to stay because he wasn’t invited.”

Chase laughed. “I can picture that.”

Curiosity pricked at me. When it happened, I hadn’t cared what their fight was about because I got to camp with Chase. Now, I wanted to know everything about Kyle that Chase knew and I didn’t. “What did you guys fight over anyway?”

“Hmm…fifth grade? It was either about which superhero—Spider-Man or Superman—would win in a fight if they couldn’t use superpowers…or the student teacher we had. Miss…oh man, you remember. Miss…Bustier.”

I slapped him on the shoulder and buried my head in the pillow. “That wasn’t her name.”

He looked shocked. “What was it then?”

“It was Bouché, Miss Bouché.”

Chase shrugged. “Well, we called her Miss Bustier. It fit her better.”

“Only you and Kyle would come up with something so stupid.”

“We were eleven,” he said, and brushed my hair away from my shoulder.

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”

His eyes crinkled at the corners. “You’re still you.”

I was, wasn’t I? Something horrible had happened, but it didn’t need to change me for good. The longer I spent with Chase, the more I felt like me. “Even though I look like hell?”

“Yup. Even though you look like hell, you’re still my Kels.”

I smiled at the memory. When we were real young, that’s what Chase called me. His Kels. That ended when he and Kyle started junior high and girls his age suddenly had breasts. Still a couple years away from developing, my belonging to him went out the window.

He took my shirt in his hands and tugged a couple times. “Talk to me about this morning.”

He was pushing. Why did he always push things? “What?”

“Oh, I don’t know…about how your father wouldn’t let you come to your own brother’s funeral because of what you were wearing.”

“Jesus. I came out of my room wearing this, okay? Dad got pissed, said I couldn’t go if I was going to disrespect my brother. They left without me. End of story.”

His face hardened. “What’d your mom say?”

“Nothing.” I shrugged. He didn’t know my mom had barely spoken a word to me in months. It wasn’t anything new. It’s like she forgot how to act. “She had laid this fancy new black skirt and black button-up shirt for me on my bed. It was an outfit a sad person would wear, Chase. I would never have worn anything like that before. Ever. Black on black? I feel it enough inside, I don’t need to broadcast it. But I wasn’t trying to disrespect him. I wouldn’t do that to Kyle. I’m just so sick of being sad all the time.”

Chase grabbed my face in his hands. “You didn’t disrespect him. You couldn’t.”

He grazed my cheekbone with his thumb and I held my breath. His eyes fell to my lips. At least, I thought they did.

“If they only knew about the private ceremony we gave him.”

I smiled. Chase had always loved when we could keep a secret from my parents. It was hard to do, so he’d always thought of it as a personal victory. “Dad would never have okayed it.”

Chase flipped onto his back. “Your dad’s such a dick.”

My mouth dropped. He’d never been a fan of my dad, but this seemed extreme. “Whoa. Where’d that come from?”

“Not now, okay?” He turned and pressed his lips to my forehead. “Just not right now. I can hardly believe you’re talking to me. Can I…take in this moment?” He grazed his thumb down my arm and shut his eyes.

I cuddled into the pillow and let out a slow breath. “Why do I feel like there are so many secrets between us?”

His eyes stayed shut and I didn’t know if he even heard me until he finally spoke. “A lot can happen in five months.”

After I watched Chase fall asleep, after I memorized the planes of his face again, my eyes drifted closed.

I slept better than I had since Kyle died.

Chapter Four

-Kelsey-

When I woke the next morning, I had to untangle myself from Chase. I was glad he was still asleep because…holy awkwardness. My head had somehow ended up on his hard chest, which was weirdly comfortable, his arm was draped lightly around my shoulders, and my legs were sandwiched between his.

I’d never slept with a guy before. Okay, sure, when we were younger the three of us had shared a bed, but I hadn’t slept with a guy since knowing what could happen.

Moving very slowly, I rose from the bed and walked to the window. It was impossible to tell from this side of the house if my parents were awake. They weren’t in Kyle’s room, which was good for me because his window was unlocked; mine wasn’t. That also meant Mom hadn’t taken the hint Dad had left her in the hallway outside Kyle’s room yet. Boxes. They’d been there for at least a month.

Back in my own house, in my own bathroom, the under-eye shadows I thought were going to be there until the day I died were gone. Relieved, I hopped in the shower and stayed under the water until I was red and prune-y. For the first time in months, I did my makeup and hair, and called Em, one of my high school friends.

“Hey,” I said when she answered.

“Hold on one second.” After a brief pause, she came back on. “Holy shit. It’s true. Kelsey Larkin is calling me. I had to double-check my caller ID to make sure, but it’s really you.”

I groaned. “I know. I suck.”

Em laughed. “Hard-core suckage. It’s okay, though. What’s up? You home?”

“I am.”

“We have to hang out. I haven’t seen you in forever.” She was so excited she was practically squealing.

I was too happy to feel guilty. The truth was, I hadn’t talked to her in a couple of months and I hadn’t seen her since— Shit. I hadn’t seen her since she’d brought over a pan full of lasagna a couple of days after Kyle died.

“So, tonight,” she said, “there’s this frat party. My
boyfriend
lives there.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Oh my God. We have so much to catch you up on.”

As I listened to Em go on and on about her hot new boyfriend, I realized I’d missed her. How could I not see it before? Sure, she was always over-sharing and made the most inappropriate comments, but she was fun. I needed fun right now.

“You’re coming, right?”

“To the party? Absolutely.” I was already mentally planning my outfit in my head.

“This is going to be great. Start working on your beer-pong serve. Limber up. You don’t want to pull a hammy.”

I was still laughing when we said our good-byes.

Before today, I hadn’t wanted to act like the crazy college kid I was supposed to be. I didn’t even know if I had a decent beer-pong serve. But Chase was right. I was still me. I was nineteen. I was in college, for crying out loud. I could have fun.

Tonight would be different. Tonight I’d act like me.

My stomach growled as I walked toward the kitchen. I hadn’t eaten much at dinner last night, and I didn’t eat lunch before that, or maybe breakfast before that. I couldn’t actually remember the last time I ate a real, full meal.

Mom stood near the toaster when I walked in and I almost said “good morning,” but then my dad came into view. His shoulders were set and the ugly, post-death scowl that had attached itself permanently to his face was directed at my mother’s back. I jumped backward into the hall.

No way did I want any part of their drama. I was finally feeling kinda sorta okay. I turned away, but a single name stopped me in my tracks.
Chase
. They talked about Chase. No, I take that back, they
argued
about Chase.

“What did you want me to do?” my dad asked. “Get a restraining order barring him from the funeral?”

My stomach hollowed out as my father’s words echoed through the kitchen.

In a small voice, my mom replied, “He was talking to her. Why was he talking to Kelsey?”

By the time she said my name, she was almost in hysterics. I didn’t know why she chose now to care about me. She hadn’t bothered to in the past five months. She hadn’t called to ask how school was going, how classes were, if I was dealing fine. She hadn’t troubled herself with me at all.

“Shh,” Dad said. “Kelsey’s fine. She’s a good kid. She’s smart. She’ll figure this out once she gets her head on straight again.”

My eyes closed and a pang of regret hit me. Smart. I was always the smart one. I wished I’d lived up to that.

There was a pause, so I looked around the corner. Dad had Mom wrapped in his arms. Her head lay on his shoulder, eyes closed. At least they were talking. At least they were touching. That had to be a good sign.

He rubbed her back. “Come on. You know I can’t stand it when you cry.”

She lifted her head, revealing splotches on his blue T-shirt, and I retreated around the corner again. These were the parents I used to have. Maybe it wasn’t just me who’d forgotten how to be myself. Maybe it was them, too.

“It’s like I can’t help it. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I feel…” She drew in a long, rattling breath and let it out slowly. When she spoke, her voice wavered. “I feel like I failed as a mother.”

I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes. That wasn’t fair. There wasn’t anything she could have done about the accident. Accidents couldn’t be controlled.

My dad’s voice was tense. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re a great mother. You were before and you are now. There was nothing you could’ve done.”

“So now I’m ridiculous? I only kept him alive for twenty-one years. Twenty-one years. Think of everything he’s going to miss. Falling in love, getting married, having kids…”

Dad chuckled. “I’m pretty sure he’d already fallen in love. Remember the empty condom wrapper you found in his room when he was sixteen?”

My eyes bugged out of my head. Holy. Crap. They’d known about Missy? No wonder they’d implemented the “no ‘friends’ in your room with the door shut” rule.

“I can’t believe you just said that. I’m trying to be serious.”

“That’s your problem. You’re letting this affect
everything
.”

“I’m working on it,” she seethed.

“And I get that, but you keep going round and round in circles. You’re not getting any better, or any worse. You’re so up and down all the time.”

“I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you are.”

He took a deep breath. “I’m not turning this into a fight. Let’s talk about something else, okay? The guy from the Department of Parks and Rec called when you were in the shower. He said we’d have to donate both the plaque and the bench, but they’ll do a ceremony in Kyle’s name. Just like you wanted. Do you want to use the insurance money to pay for it?”

“Yes, but I want a nice bench. A really nice bench.”

“I took his number so you can call him back and get specifics. They might prefer to work with a certain contractor, or whatever.” There was a pause and then a flutter of paper. “Do you know what this is?”

If I wasn’t mistaken, my dad was smiling. There was definitely a hint of happy in his voice.

“It’s Kelsey’s grades for last semester.”

My stomach plummeted to the floor. Oh shit.

“I thought we’d surprise her and take her to dinner like we did last December with Kyle. And…we can make that two reasons to celebrate. We also got the mortgage deed today. Paid in full.”

Before I realized it, I was walking into the kitchen. “My grades came today?”

Dad turned. “You’re awake? We were going to surprise you, but yeah, here they are. They came today.” He waved the envelope, a huge smile on his face.

My body went rigid. “You didn’t open them, did you?”

“Not yet.”

“Good.” I reached out my hand. “I’m not ready to.”

He held the envelope out for me and then pulled it back. “Worried? Come on, you know you aced everything. You always do.”

I leaned over the counter and snatched it from his hands. “I’m not ready to open them, okay?”

“Kelsey— Why? Is there something we should know?”

“No.”

“Good, because you know college is important. And Kyle’s paying for it, so—”

Yeah, Kyle was paying for it. As if I had any choice in the matter.

“Leave her alone, Ed.”

Dad muttered something and I turned away, stuffing the envelope in my pocket. That was close. Too close.

“Before you go…” Mom began.

They were both staring at me. Dad’s face was confused as hell, and Mom’s was all straight lines.

“I saw you with Chase at the funeral,” she said.

I’d forgotten they were pissed about that. My stupid grades had distracted me. “Yeah?”

“Yeah?” Mom scoffed. “Well, it’s a pretty big deal.”

Dad placed his hands on the counter. “Your Mom and I don’t want you seeing him. Period.”

Panic struck me. “I thought that was because of the lawsuit.”

“It was part of it. The lawyers didn’t want us to have any communication with Chase or his mom during the lawsuit.”

“But that’s over now. We—you won.”

Mom crossed her hands in front of her. “So you
want
to see him?”

Want? I wanted a whole bunch of things. I wanted Kyle not to be dead. I wanted things to go back to normal. I wanted to be myself again. Too bad it was impossible to get everything I wanted. But yeah, I wanted to see Chase.

I was also too chicken to admit it to them.

“No. I don’t.”

…

After our conversation, Dad went to work even though he wasn’t scheduled to return until Monday. That might have had a little something to do with me. After the Chase interrogation, he tried again to get me to start using Kyle’s car so we could sell my older, crappier one. I didn’t want his car. He’d loved that car. That car was
him
, not me. It didn’t seem right to take it and call it mine now. Dad didn’t get it.

Once he left, Mom spent most of the afternoon on the phone with contractors and the parks guy about the bench. The way Mom was talking, she wanted this to be one epic piece of lawn furniture. They had the money to do it, so why not?

Because Kyle was active-duty military, he had life insurance. A pretty hefty sum of life insurance. Coupled with the lawsuit money my parents won, they could put huge statues of Kyle all over town, on every street corner, if they wanted.

Kyle also left me some of the money, which I never saw, or would see. Mom and Dad set up an account immediately after we found out to pay for my college tuition. I wasn’t ungrateful or anything, it just sucked. I hated knowing why I had it in the first place and I hated that though Kyle had left it to me, I had no say in how it was used.

I couldn’t wait for the day to be over with so I could go to the party. I even left my house an hour early and walked to Em’s. It took me fifteen minutes instead of the five my car would have taken, but I needed to get out of there. When I walked by Chase’s driveway, I thought for a brief, insane moment I should invite him to come. Five minutes down the road, I’d talked myself into it, but then talked myself out of it in the next couple seconds because it was too last-minute. Truth was, I wasn’t sure if we were there yet. And anyway, what I really needed was a girls’ night.

Sigma Alpha was a party frat at the local community college in our town. Em had gone to school there, while I went off to State, an hour away. I’d like to say being an hour away was what kept us from seeing each other, but it wasn’t. I didn’t see anybody.

That was about to change.

She gave me a huge hug as soon as she saw me. “I’ve missed you.”

I stared at the ground. “I know. Sorry. It’s just—”

“Please.” She hit my shoulder. “I didn’t say that so you’d apologize. No Bear tonight?”

I shook my head. “Work.”

“That’s good, I guess. What’s with you guys lately anyway?”

She didn’t understand our relationship and practically stroked out when I’d first told her we’d kissed. “No idea.” I shrugged, remembering last night and too embarrassed to tell her Bear hardly touched me. Ever. She thought we’d already had sex and I let her believe it.

“Well, since he’s not here, we’re going to have some awesome girlie fun.” She tossed her long blond hair over her shoulder and got in the car.

“So…I saw Chase Crowley the other day,” I blurted as soon as both of our doors closed. It was a safer topic than anything else right now. Or so I thought.

“Hold the phone.” Her mouth fell open to an O. “You can’t just drop that on someone and not follow it up.”

“What do you want me to say?”

She waved her hands in the air. “Everything.”

Everything? There was just too much to explain. “I don’t know. We just…talked.”

“You hadn’t seen him since Kyle died, right? Did you talk about it?”

I shook my head. “No. Not really. Actually, we kind of avoided it like the plague. He seemed okay. Sad, but okay. Have you seen him?”

“No. I heard he was on house arrest. He can’t go out unsupervised.”

“House arrest? Not true.” He was at the funeral, and I’d seen him at the restaurant, too. If he were wearing an ankle bracelet, the cops would’ve been swarming both places. I’d avoided Chase’s trial—it was the only time I’d been grateful to be at school—so I didn’t know for sure the particulars of his punishment, but house arrest seemed extreme.

“Probably not. You know how rumors fly around here.”

“Speaking of…” I hesitated even bringing it up. If she smiled like Bear had, I’d seriously need to rethink my friends. It was weighing on me. I’d wanted to ask Chase about it last night, but I knew he wouldn’t tell me. I needed to know what’d actually happened. “I heard Chase got jumped by a few guys from high school. You hear that one?”

“Yeah. Apparently it was pretty bad.” Em frowned. “But I don’t think he needed to go to the hospital or anything,” she quickly added. “And don’t worry, I haven’t heard anything like that in a while.”

That was good at least. I hoped people were leaving him alone.

“What else?” she asked.

“I don’t know. He looked good. The same.”

“Of course he looked good. He’s Chase ‘the god’ Crowley.”

Oh, Jesus. I’d forgotten about that nickname. “Don’t call him that.” I jammed the seat belt into the lock. “Are you going to drive us to this party or what?”