How We Lived (Entangled Embrace) (13 page)

Lying next to his metal marker, I watched the leaves flutter in the spring wind. I pretended the wind was him. That he could somehow still talk to me. That he was here because I could feel the wind pass over my body like words in a conversation. “Do you hate him, Kyle? I know I never did. Or could. I might have thought about hating him, maybe even tried to hate him, but there’s no way. We’re usually so alike I think you must not hate him, either. He’s Chase. He’s fearless and smart. Brave. He probably wishes he died and not you.”

That would have been horrible, too. Maybe just as bad. “Dammit. I messed up. Letting Mom and Dad go through with the lawsuit, not being brave enough to see him, letting him sit in his bedroom right next to yours all these months while my world still kept turning. Asking him to leave with me now when I damn well know he can’t. I am the worst friend ever.”

The branches swayed in the wind, the leaves flipping with the change in current. Up first, and then down. “Hell, I don’t know what just fucking happened, Kyle. One minute I’m happier than I’ve been since you died. Happier than before you went into the army. Now I’m drowning again.”

Chase said we weren’t friends anymore. It would be like he was dead, too. It was the last thing I wanted, the last thing I needed. But from the way he talked, I couldn’t believe he’d stuck around this long. “Do you really think Chase felt that way growing up with us? Mom and Dad never thought he was good enough. We knew it, but I didn’t think he did. Remember when they used to talk about how he didn’t have any dinner manners? How his parents let him get away with murder? Who didn’t at our age? The Crowleys were never prissy like Mom and Dad. Their house was fun, and then it was more fun when it was just Linda. Wasn’t that why we sneaked into Chase’s room all those nights? Just the three of us? If I don’t have you, and I don’t have him, who do I have?”

“Kelsey?” a voice asked.

I sat up, wiping my face. “Vito?” He stood at the foot of Kyle’s grave, a bunch of small American flags in his hand. “What are you doing?”

He knelt down and took a tissue from his pocket. “I do not envy you young kids. How much hurt is a small heart supposed to take?” He peeked over at Kyle’s marker. “I talk to God about it sometimes. I talk to him for you. For your brother. For Chase. It eats me up seeing him throw everything he has into his project, but it’s not something that can really heal the heart.”

“His project?”

“Kyle’s Meals.”

“Kyle’s…Meals?” I felt like a burst of air hit me and knocked me on my ass. “What we did the other day, with the meals and the soldiers? That was Kyle’s Meals?”

Vito nodded.

He’d told me that was for his community service. How did I not see it? No wonder Randy knew who I was.

“He didn’t tell you, did he?” Vito asked.

I shook my head, but I had no words. Why didn’t he tell me what we were really doing?

“I didn’t think he did, but it wasn’t my place to say anything. Chase works for Community Outreach. He started out just doing his community service, but they liked him so much they hired him. He coordinates their programs mostly. Kyle’s Meals is his brainchild. He thought it up, got the funding, got me. He did everything.”

“He told me he was just volunteering…”

“No, honey. He did it for your brother. For you, too, I think, in a roundabout way.”

“But my family, we didn’t know anything about it.”

He stared at the ground, and then his eyes traveled to Kyle’s marker again. “I think he thought your family wouldn’t accept it.” He twisted the flags in his hands and sighed. “I don’t know what’s happening between you two, but I do know that young man is special. I sure hope you know that. You’d be lucky to have someone like him in your life.” He held out a flag to me. “Do you want to do the honors?”

“What’s this for?” I asked, taking the flag from him.

“It’s for Memorial Day.”

“Memorial Day?”

He smiled. “Chase was supposed to come out here and put down these flags, but he called and said he had something he had to do. I thought you might want to put your brother’s in next to his marker.”

I reached out and stuck the flag in the ground. It whipped in the wind. “Thank you.”

He patted my shoulder. “You’re welcome,” he said, then walked away with his handful of flags.

How dare Mom and Dad make Chase feel unworthy his entire life. They needed to know what Chase had been doing for Kyle while we moped around and felt sorry for ourselves. And I was going to tell them about me and Chase. I was going to tell them I was in love with him. It wasn’t just the love I’d felt for him my entire life as a friend. This was more. Much more.

A bird landed on a swaying branch of a nearby tree and chirped. It stared right at me, and then it cocked its head like a dog and hopped along the branch. I stared at the bird like he could give me an answer.

“I need to fix this, Kyle. I need to fix it now.”

I jumped up, ran across the grass, and yanked open my car door. Mom and Dad would be home by now, and I was going to sit them down on the couch and tell them everything. No hiding in bedrooms. No hiding on couches. No hiding in beds next door.

After I parked the car in the driveway, I ran to the door so I wouldn’t lose my nerve. “Mom, Dad,” I shouted as I went in the house.

I came around the corner and found four very pissed-off faces glaring at me.
Mrs. Crowley and Chase?
Like a magnet, my gaze stopped on him and stayed, but he wouldn’t look at me. “What’s going on?”

“So, you aren’t in school?” Dad said, his face blotchy.

“N-no.” I squared my shoulders. “I haven’t been to school for a few days now.”

“You’ve been staying in Chase Crowley’s bedroom?”

I didn’t have time to feel embarrassed or worried about what they thought we were doing in his bedroom. Though their worries would have been mostly correct. “Yes, I need to talk to you guys.”

Chase’s mom stepped forward. “Kelsey, we’ve been telling your parents some things they should know. Like school, and Chase’s feelings for you.”

My dad stiffened. So did Chase. I wondered if he still felt the same after our argument this morning. After I completely fucked everything up. After he kicked me out of his house.

“We’re worried about you,” Linda said.

“We’ll worry about her,” my dad yelled. “She’s
our
daughter.” He pointed a finger at Chase. “And don’t even think you’re getting anywhere near her.”

I was struck silent at Dad’s fury, but it didn’t faze Chase’s mom. She rolled her eyes. I tried a small smile for her and she nodded to encourage me.

“I need to talk to you guys.”

“I’ve had enough talking,” my mom said, her ever-present tissue stuffed against her nose. Dad went to put his arm around her shoulders, but she moved away.

Anger rose in me like a tsunami wave. “Well, I haven’t. I’m embarrassed by you guys. How did my parents end up like this? You’ve been hiding in your bedroom like a coward,” I said to Mom. “You don’t see anyone but yourself.”

She gasped and my dad started to say something, but I cut him off.

“And you, you’ve been acting like you want to work on things with Mom, but you won’t go to her therapy sessions with her or help her plan the things she wants to do for Kyle. Instead, you just whine at her door and go sleep on the couch.”

“Don’t air our dirty laundry in front of these people,” my mom scolded.

I shook my head.
These people?
“Chase already knows. I told him. I told him because I haven’t felt like myself in five months, and the one person I trusted to actually listen to me was Chase. Chase, who came over here for me. Chase, who owes me nothing but keeps giving anyway.” I grabbed his hand. “Kyle’s Meals? Why didn’t you tell me?”

His mouth dropped to an O. “How did you find out?”

“Vito…the cemetery…”

Understanding lit his face. “Did Kyle get a flag?”

I nodded and my dad swore. His eyes were fixed on our entwined fingers.

If he were a teakettle, he’d be screaming. “You are disgracing your brother’s memory. This stupid…
boy
killed him.”

“He’s smarter than all of us. And I’m still here, too. I might not be as great as Kyle in your eyes, but I’m still alive.” I squeezed Chase’s hand. “And you have no idea what this
boy
has done for Kyle. You’re the ones disgracing him now.”

Mom raced forward. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Her hand was raised in the air above her head, shaking.

I cowered and Chase moved me behind him.

She almost slapped me. Holy shit, I couldn’t believe it. My mom had never raised a hand to me before.

“We’ve all had to face his death,” I said.

“And you think you’re doing it perfectly?” Dad scowled. “Yelling at your parents? Leaving school? Sleeping in some boy’s bed?”

“Chase isn’t some boy. Quit acting like he’s nobody.” I looked at Chase and smiled. “He’s everything.”

Chase squeezed my hand, and I turned to my parents, squaring my shoulders like Mom when she said things with finality. “I wouldn’t have done those things if you’d done your job. You’ve both been acting like Kyle was your only kid. What about me, huh? But it doesn’t matter. Things still would have brought me right here. I’m not going back to State. I’m going to enroll here. I’m going to stay here to be with Chase because he’s the only place that feels safe now. As far as the bed goes, that’s up to Mrs. Crowley…and Chase. If not, I’ll find another place to stay.”

Mom swiveled and ran from the room.

My dad still trembled in anger. He watched my mom run down the hall and then turned his twisted face at me. “You don’t want to live here? Fine. Get out, Kelsey. And don’t come back.”

I recoiled and Chase caught me. He steered my shoulders toward the front door and his mom trailed after us as we left together. When Linda stepped onto the sidewalk, she said, “Suburban drama. Maybe we could be like the
Real Housewives of New Jersey
.”

Outside, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was still reeling from Dad’s cold words, though nothing he did or said should shock me anymore. I stopped next to my car, but Chase tugged me after him.

His mom smiled. “You’ve always been welcome at my house, Kelsey. Your parents are mad right now, but they’ll get over it. You can stay with us as long as you want.”

“Thank you.” I let go of Chase’s hand and hugged her like I used to. “I don’t deserve it. I know I don’t, but thank you anyway.”

“My son loves you, and from what I saw in there, you love him, too.” She dropped her hand around my shoulders and walked me to her house. “You know I always thought of you like a daughter, and Kyle like a son.”

Chase opened the door, and I stepped inside. Funny thing about going in through the front door rather than a window, I somehow felt more wanted.

Chapter Eleven

-Kelsey-

Two days later and Mom had already tried to see me more than a dozen times. I told Linda not to let her in. Where was she when I needed her before? I didn’t need her anymore, either of them.

From Mrs. Crowley’s living room window, I saw them get in the same car a couple times and I hoped they were working on things. I hoped they’d figured out their differences. I hoped maybe they were seeing Ms. Mackey. Together.

They needed time. And space. I needed time and space. I’d chosen sides finally. I picked Chase, the right side. It was no longer my parents versus Chase and his mom. It was just us and no one else.

I’d asked Bear to meet me yesterday and told him Chase and I were seeing each other, like, really seeing each other. He wasn’t shocked. He acted a little weird maybe, but not shocked. He hugged me when I left his apartment and promised we’d always be friends. I wasn’t sure if I believed him yet or not. People surprise you. Sometimes they did the exact opposite of what you’d thought they’d do.

Like Chase, for instance. His mom gave me a spare room. Couldn’t blame her. Would I have wanted to sleep in the bedroom next to my son and his girlfriend? Nope. Not at all. Shockingly, though, he hadn’t tried to sneak in to see me. This also meant I hadn’t been sleeping well.

Linda helped me get set up at the community college. We actually had a mature, sit-down conversation about my options. I came clean about failing half my classes, about feeling alone and lost at State. The second summer semester would be my first semester at Community. When I told Em, she squealed like a little girl. We could hang out more often again. Like old times.

We—Mrs. Crowley and I—also decided I’d start seeing a therapist. Not Ms. Mackey. A counselor at my new school agreed to meet with me every week. The first meeting consisted of me blubbering into a tissue while she nodded and asked questions at the appropriate times. I liked her. A lot. She helped. Just letting out my feelings without making somebody else feel worse helped. I needed someone on the outside, someone who didn’t know him. At least one more person would know how much Kyle meant to me.

Chase had tucked a note under my bedroom door earlier. It read,
Meet me in the backyard in thirty minutes.

It had been twenty-five when I slipped out the back door. A tent was set up, right where we always used to camp. Orange flames and smoke rose toward the dusk night. As I walked up, Chase laid another log on the fire.

“Hey,” I said, finally reaching him.

“You’re early.”

The smile he tried to give me was fake. I gave enough fake smiles to spot one on my own. “You know I don’t listen well.”

He motioned toward one of the camp chairs and I sat, huddling into his hoodie from the night he found me in the cold.

“I need to tell you some things,” he said. “Some things I hope won’t make you change your mind about me.”

I started to shake my head. Nothing in the world would erase nineteen years of loving him.

“Don’t…do that yet. Just listen.”

I scooted down in my chair and rested my head against the back. The stars shone brighter in the sky now.

At my side, Chase sat down in his chair. He held a long branch in his hand he used to stoke the fire. “The night of the accident,” he started. “I feel like you need to know everything.”

I kept silent. He needed to get this out. And maybe I’d finally get my why.

“It was late. The last few people had just left the house after Kyle’s welcome home party. You’d already gone to bed. Kyle started ragging on me because I hadn’t been interested in any of the girls. He wondered what was wrong with me. Even asked if I was gay.” Chase chuckled. “The thing was, I’d started noticing you. When Kyle left and it was just us, I started to fall for you. I didn’t see you through the eyes of a brother or a friend anymore. I just saw
you
.”

I swallowed and my eyes started to burn. I could picture Kyle picking on Chase. Not flirting with girls wouldn’t have been just weird for him, it would have been inconceivable.

“I was conflicted about how I felt. I needed to tell Kyle. I couldn’t make a move on you and not say anything. He was like my brother. So I told him why. He laughed at first. Thought I was joking. Then, he got angry. Crazy angry. We got into a huge fight. He punched me in the face.” He twisted toward me. “He loved you, you know. Would’ve done anything for you. Even punch his best friend.”

I felt the pain coming so I closed my eyes. The boys fighting because of me? That was insane, and just plain wrong. It wasn’t like them, and I wondered again how much the military had actually changed Kyle. He wasn’t a fighter when it came to the people he cared about. Especially not with Chase. They
were
brothers.

“I was so pissed. He wouldn’t even give me a chance to explain. He said I didn’t deserve you. He said if I wanted something, I had to deserve it.”

That sounded familiar. I’d heard Chase say it before. At the diner when he told me he hadn’t been with anyone since Kyle died. So, it was because of me he hadn’t dated other girls. He’d wanted to prove to Kyle he was good enough for me.

And all along I thought it was because he’d lost his best friend.

“I know I was always selfish and got away with things, and treated girls badly. You were going to be different, though. I knew you and I were…we were it. I could feel it. Still feel it.” He took a ragged breath and jammed his stick into the dirt. “A few minutes later, Bear came up to me. He punched me in the arm and said, ‘Dude, Kyle wants me to date Kelsey. Can you believe that shit?’” Chase’s voice broke. “I was so mad. Kyle told Bear to date you so I wouldn’t. So I
couldn’t
. He thought Bear was better for you than me? His best friend?”

I didn’t dare look at him. He was breathing heavy and words kept pouring from his mouth. First, my parents. Then Kyle? No wonder he was so hurt.

“So even though I was supposed to be the designated driver, I walked into the kitchen and took shot after shot after shot. Then I went to the car and waited for them. Bear’s family hadn’t seen Kyle yet and we were heading over there.”

“I waited for Kyle to get in the car and then I sped off. I was mad at myself for not being worthy of you, at Kyle for realizing I wasn’t. They figured out soon enough I was drunk off my ass and begged me to stop, but I didn’t listen. I went faster and faster, racing away my thoughts, racing away everything.” He jabbed at the fire with his stick. “Then we slid on some ice and hit that tree.”

He turned toward me. Tears glistened orange and red on his face. “Sometimes I wonder… I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, drinking and driving.” He took a steadying breath. “The next thing I remember was being woken up at the hospital by my mother.”

“Oh, Chase—”

“Mom told me Kyle didn’t make it. I’d already known, though.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Later the same night, your dad walked into my hospital room in the ER and told me Kyle’s blood was on my hands. Kels, I broke apart. I knew in my heart it was my fault even though Mom had been trying to convince me the entire time it was an accident. But it was me. It was all me. I was the one driving. I crashed. Kyle died. That was it, plain and simple. Then he told me he always thought I would do something like that, that I was as worthless as my deadbeat father and stupid mother.”

I cringed. Chase’s mom had helped me more in the past couple days than my parents ever had.

“But that wasn’t the worst part.”

I gripped the chair. I knew I wouldn’t like what Chase was about to tell me.

“I told him I wanted to see you. He laughed in my face. Told me you never wanted to see me again. That you were now dead to me, too. Period.”

Guilt swallowed me. “I never said that. Did you try to see me…a lot?”

“At first. I came by your house every day, but they wouldn’t let me in.” He gritted his teeth and threw his stick into the fire. “You really were dead to me.”

I turned things over in my mind. How my parents and I had wronged Chase. How I now understood why Bear wanted—but also hadn’t wanted—to be with me. How it just never felt right.

It had been Kyle.

“You know you didn’t hurt Kyle and Bear on purpose, right, Chase? That’s not who you are.”

He hid his face in his hands. “Do you want to know the questions I ask myself every day? ‘What did you think was going to happen after you took those shots and got behind the wheel?’ ‘Why the hell didn’t you stop when they asked you to?’ ‘What the fuck were you thinking?’ ‘How can you live with yourself?’”

I sat up in the chair. “You were thinking you were hurt. You were upset. You coped.”

He pulled his hands from his face. “That’s not coping, that’s a cop-out.”

“What do you want me to say, Chase? You killed Kyle. Fine. You killed Kyle. Feel better now?”

Chase stood, his hands in fists at his side. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because if we’re going to be together, you need to know the reality of it.”

I stood now, too. His chest was rising and falling too fast. He was losing himself. “God.” I spun away, not able to watch him come apart. No one, not even Chase, could ever convince me he’d meant to hurt Kyle.

“If you want to leave, I get it, Kels. It’d kill me to see you do it, but it’s what I deserve.”

I turned around slowly. “Would you shut up?”

He scowled.

“I’m not going anywhere, so you might as well listen to me. I agree you knowingly drank. I agree you knowingly got behind the wheel after drinking. I even agree you were an asshole for not pulling over, but I will never,
never
tell you, myself, or anyone else I believe you did all that knowing Kyle would die in the end. No matter how mad you were—”

“I was furious.”

“No matter how mad you were, if God came down and told you while you had the shot glass to your lips that if you took even one sip of alcohol Kyle would die, you would’ve dropped it. Hell, you probably would’ve thrown it across the freaking room. Chase, you loved him. And you don’t hurt people you love like that.”

He slumped into the chair, head in his hands.

I knelt next to him, my arms around his shaking shoulders. “You know I’m right, so you might as well start believing it.”

“I fucking love you,” he said.

I smiled and kissed the top of his head. “I’ll always see the good in you, even when you don’t see it in yourself.”

I watched the fire throw light on his silhouette until it stopped trembling. I watched it until his breathing returned to normal. I watched it until he came to his senses.

I curled a few strands of his hair between my fingers. “What did you tell my parents the other day? About us?”

He wiped angrily at his eyes. “I told them I wasn’t going to let them dictate your life anymore.” He kind of chuckled, but then stopped himself. “I also told them I loved you and I wasn’t going to let you give me up. Not again.” He paused, blinking. “Kels?” The fire moved shadows on his face. “I meant what I said. I love you. You do know I love you. Don’t you?”

I nodded and we both stood. “I love you, too, Chase Crowley. And I’m never going to give you up.” I stared into his eyes for a few moments, searching through the sadness for the old Chase I knew was inside somewhere. “I want you to know Kyle didn’t give up on you, either. He gave up on everything. He hated the army. It was killing him. Being there sucked the life right out of him. The boy who came home was barely a shell of who he used to be. Kyle, your best friend? The one you grew up with? He would’ve heard you out. He wouldn’t have hurt you, wouldn’t have punched you. That wasn’t him. Please know that. He loved you.”

Chase grabbed my face and kissed me. His lips played over mine and I held him tighter. I wanted to sear my words into him somehow. Kyle did love him. No matter what, he could believe that.

He pulled away, but still held on to me. “I hope that’s true. I pray to God that’s true.”

This beautiful, sad boy needed someone to believe in him. Maybe he always needed that, but had gotten good at hiding it. The truth was, no matter what anyone else said, he deserved me. He deserved me more than I deserved him. I had a lot of making up to do. “It’s true.”

He searched my eyes, his fingers locking at the back of my head and pulling me forward so our foreheads touched. “I want to show you how much I love you. I want to show you what nineteen years’ worth of loving you does to a guy.” He kissed the side of my lip.

“You and me,” I said.

“You and me.” He grabbed my hand and unzipped the tent.

Inside, two sleeping bags were spread out across the floor, covered in rose petals and fake candles that looked like they were really flickering. My breath caught and he squeezed my hand. I lay down. He hovered over me, breathing me in.

I ran my hands through his hair until I laced my fingers at the nape of his neck and brought him to me. His lips were so soft and encouraging. I opened to him, and like the other kisses we’d shared, it had me breathless and dizzy within seconds. When he broke away, I whimpered. I’d had plenty of time to think about this alone in the spare bedroom.

“You know what those sounds do to me.” He kissed down the hollow of my throat to my collarbone. Reaching for the hem of my shirt, he said, “Raise your arms, beautiful.”

I did and he pulled the shirt up and over my head. Finding the bottom of his, I lifted, and he laughed before reaching back with one hand and lifting it from him.

“You act all innocent, but you can never wait to get me naked,” he said.

“If you saw you through my eyes, you wouldn’t want to wait, either.”

He smiled and then peeled back the cup of my bra and kissed my breast. My breath stilled, then he did the same to the other.

The now-familiar ache pulsed between my legs. I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him deeply. Then, taking cues from our other kisses, I sucked and bit his lower lip. His body went rigid.

I reached down and unbuttoned his jeans. He pulled them the rest of the way off and helped me with mine. When they were finally out of the way, he slowly lowered himself onto me until I could feel him sliding against me.