How We Lived (Entangled Embrace) (11 page)

Chase scowled. “Why? You afraid—”

I squeezed his leg and he stopped talking. His face even softened some. Chase didn’t need to get him going. He knew how Bear was, too.

Bear stood, towering over us, and his gaze lowered to my hand. The muscles in his face twitched and he bent over the table to get a closer look. “What the fuck is going on here? Kelsey?”

Oh, shit. I jumped away from Chase and stood, accidentally spilling my chocolate milk. I wanted to be ready. If he came over the table at Chase, I’d stop him.

Bear paused, looking down at my milk. “Please don’t tell me this is what I fucking think it is.”

His words were like a knife to my heart, but I knew he was hurt. “Calm down.”

My plea was overpowered by Chase’s hard words. “Does it look like she needs a fucking babysitter?” He stood now, too, skin stretching over his knuckles.

I moved away from the bench and got in front of him.

Bear’s mouth dropped. “Are you out of your goddamn mind? You’re defending him? Are you two really—?”

“No,” I yelled.

Chase stepped away from me.

“Because your brother—”

“Yeah, her brother.” Chase eyed me, hands clenched at his sides, then he turned toward Bear again. “Her brother’s funeral was a few days ago. Didn’t see you there.”

Everything was wrong. What world was I living in where Bear and Chase were at each other’s throats? This wasn’t right. If they could just hear each other out. “It’s okay, Chase. He had to work.”

I reached out for Chase, but he moved away again.

Bear barreled on as if nothing else was happening. “Don’t act like I wasn’t a good friend to him, you motherfucker. I’m not the one who slammed his head into a goddamn tree.”

I winced. I had enough of an imagination, I didn’t need details.

Hell, I got why everyone was pissed at Chase. Why Bear felt betrayed. But like I’d told my mom, it was an accident. A stupid accident, yes, but an accident. Chase would never hurt my brother on purpose.

“Boys, please!” Our waitress, who was all of five feet three and older than the oldest house in this town, drew herself up behind the counter like she could take them both on. “Your lady friend doesn’t need to hear language like that.”

Chase turned to me. His face was dark again, pleading.

“Kelsey,” Bear said.

When I didn’t turn toward him, he cursed. I was caught in Chase’s stare. There were so many emotions flickering across his face and in his eyes, I didn’t know which to focus on.

“Don’t even try and pull that shit on her,” Bear said. “She’s better off without you.”

Chase flinched. “You don’t think I fucking know that?”

Bear stepped toward him. “God, you’re such an asshole. We haven’t even
talked
about you in the last five months. You think she really cares?”

Chase’s head fell forward. Then, he fished out his wallet and threw a twenty on the table before he lifted his gaze to mine again. “There was never a time when I didn’t think about you, or worry about you.”

I wanted him to stop talking. I needed time to stop so I could figure shit out. Bear was hurt, Chase was hurt, and I didn’t know who to help first. Chase took one last look at me while I stood there mute, and then turned for the door, banging it open with his palm.

“Chase,” I called after him.

He didn’t turn.

An arm fell around my shoulders as my eyes lowered to the nasty tiled floor. Bear moved forward and I fell into step next to him.

“Get me out of here,” I pleaded. I could feel the searing heat of eyes on me.

He walked me toward the other exit. “Where’s your car?”

I bit down on my lip, afraid I would cry. “I didn’t drive.”

Bear gripped the keys he just removed from his pocket so tight his knuckles turned white. “You let him drive you? Is he even allowed to drive yet?”

It wasn’t the right time to stick up for Chase. He wouldn’t listen.

“Forget it. I’ll take you home.”

What home?
I wanted to ask. I was supposed to be living in a dorm room only people who gave a fuck about college should live in. He meant my parents’ place, but he didn’t know that house hadn’t felt like a home in months.

Chase felt like home.

…

-Chase-

I jammed the car into drive and sped off. The wheels squealed against the blacktop outside the diner. It was like a traffic accident inside my head. Thoughts were crashing off each other, sirens were going off, and above everything, I was cursing myself.

Did I really deserve all of this shit? Yes, I’d fucked up. I fucked up in the worst possible way. But people could be redeemed. Kelsey had made me feel I could be redeemed, at least. The emotions in her eyes when she found out I was volunteering for military families, fuck, it almost tore me up inside. Then she went out in public with me. Actually showed herself in public with the dumb fuck who killed her brother, and I’d never been so high in my entire life.

In those brief moments, I had everything again. We’d gotten somewhere. Then, bam, another swift kick to the nut sack for Chase Crowley. When things got tough, she flaked on me. She didn’t stick up for me. Everything we’d talked about the last couple days went out the fucking window.

I made a right on Lamson by the big white house on the corner and then pulled over. That night, you could barely tell there was a house there. Weird, the little bits and pieces I’d remember. I remembered coming around the corner and sliding almost into the snowbank on the other side of the road. If there had been a car coming, we’d have been done for. Then, when I tried to recover, we fishtailed, skidded, nothing but ice under the tires, and the next thing I knew, the worst sound ever. Metal bending and twisting, glass smashing, and the sickest crack I never want to hear again.

On this May afternoon, everything looked different. For one, you could see the tree. Bark was torn off about fender height; there was a horizontal slice into the trunk underneath, digging in a few inches.

Sometimes I came here to remind myself I’d never do something so unbelievably fucking stupid again. But shit like this wouldn’t bring Kyle back. Shit like this wouldn’t change Kelsey’s mind about me. It only made me feel shittier for a few hours.

I deserved the punishments I got. I deserved the DDP classes. I deserved my license being revoked, and now my conditional license. I deserved the volunteering and the fact I now had a record, and the lawsuit from Kelsey’s parents. I never once thought I didn’t. I welcomed the ass-kicking I got when Jimmy Sythe and those assholes jumped me. The middle fingers I got the other day. I deserved fucking all of it.

But Jesus Christ, didn’t I also deserve a break? A second chance? The opportunity to be fucking happy?

I took my phone from my pocket and called Mom. “Hey.”

“What’s wrong?” Mothers had a goddamn sixth sense when it came to these kinds of things. My mom was a fucking pro, though. She took it a step further. “Are you there again?”

There. She didn’t have to say it. She’d picked me up a few times from here already. I nodded and then realized she couldn’t hear the nod. My voice broke. “Yeah, I’m there again.”

“Come home, Chase.”

Chapter Nine

-Kelsey-

After Bear drove around town for a half hour or so lecturing me, he dropped me off at home. I waited for his truck to disappear around the block before heading straight for Chase’s window. I tried to open it, but it was locked. I knocked. Nothing. I peered around the house. His car sat in the driveway—I hadn’t dreamed it. I knocked again. “I know you’re in there. Talk to me.”

The lock snapped open and the window jutted up. “What?” His eyes were dark. His whole face was dark.

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

I recoiled. “Why?”

His knuckles were white on the sill. “You didn’t tell Bear we were together. You didn’t stick up for me.”

“Chase.”

I needed him to understand, but he shook his head and started to lower the window. “You used me because you wanted someone to make you feel good again. I was stupid. I thought you actually cared. If you really cared about me, Kelsey, you wouldn’t care who you told about me, who you stuck up for me in front of.”

“Bear’s different—”

“Find somewhere else to sleep tonight. I’m not the high school playboy anymore. I accidentally fell for someone I can’t have.”

He moved back inside the house, taking my normal and safe with him. I reached up and this time I had no problem thinking of what I should write, I only hoped he cared enough to look.

I. A. M. S. Y.

I am sorry.

I drove around town the rest of the day with nowhere to go. The only people who tethered me were Kyle and Chase, like it always was, like they always had. In the end, I ended up at the cemetery right next to Kyle’s marker, thinking. Thinking about when we were kids. But when I thought about when we were kids, Chase was always there, and right now, the thought of Chase burned like fire in my chest.

Instead, I switched my mind to Kyle. He’d call me from base sometimes, write letters, and send emails. Since he went into the army, he was different. He was no longer fun-loving or carefree. When we spoke, he said things like, “When I get out of this hellhole, I’m going to do this.” Then he’d make a list. He’d talk about his dickhead drill sergeants and the little brats whom Mommy and Daddy spoiled and who made his life a living hell. I wanted him to get the fuck out of the army.

One night he called me from a pay phone, drunk to hell, and went on a tirade. It ended when he’d completely dismembered the phone while I listened from my end. I heard the crashing, the glass breaking, and I could only imagine the force of his punches and kicks as he smashed the pay phone into oblivion. I slid to the floor of my room and cried until the dial tone blared in my ear.

When he was home on leave, he didn’t kick the crap out of inanimate objects, but he was reserved. We had the party for him, which I thought he’d like. He really wanted the bonfire. That was his thing the entire night. He sat in front of the fire with me and talked.

Later, as the party was winding down, he looked over at me and said, “I’m sorry about my letters and the phone calls.” The fire lit half his face and the reflections of the flames were mirrored in his eyes. “I know I seem fucking whacked sometimes, but listen to me, Kels. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you hate your life. Where you hate every damn breath you take because it means you’re still living it. That’s not a life. That’s torture.”

Kyle was miserable. Kyle died miserable.

I was nineteen, two years younger than him. I was miserable at college, miserable at home. I needed to get out of here. Kyle couldn’t escape, but I could.

I picked up my car keys from the grass as the sun set between the leaves of the oak tree Chase and I had sat under only a few days ago. There was just one thing I had to do first before I left this shit behind me.

Talk to Chase. Make him understand. I’d already forgiven him. It wasn’t an option not to. Now I needed him to forgive himself.

I parked in the same spot down the road and crept up Chase’s driveway and alongside his house. The air was getting brisk, the sun completely gone from the sky now. I shivered and tapped on the window. “Chase,” I whispered. No light. No anything. “Chase!” Nothing.

Fine. I sank down to the grass. I’d sleep here until he got back, until he decided he wanted to speak to me. Everyone else had given up on him, but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I needed him—and he needed me.

I lay down, curled myself into a ball, and pretended I was camping in his backyard with an overstuffed sleeping bag.

…

A groaning noise woke me and I started to shake. So damn cold.

“Fucking-A, Kels. What are you doing?”

“Ch-Chase? I-I’m freezing.”

“What are you doing out there?”

A pair of feet hit the ground next to my body and warm material covered me. It smelled like Chase. One of his hoodies. He leaned over and scooped me up.

“I—”

“Shh. It’s okay. I’m going to get you inside.” He looked both ways and went around to the front of the house. “You’re so cold. Your hands are like ice.” He tried the front door, but it was locked. “Son of a bitch,” he whispered. “I’m going to have to set you down. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.”

I nodded, but I doubt he noticed. My butt met with the hard concrete and then he fled. I shivered again and clamped my mouth down so my teeth wouldn’t chatter.

The lock clicked on the door and Chase loomed in front of me. He scooped me into his arms again, kicked the door closed, and carried me into his bedroom. He laid me down on the bed, his eyes wide. “I told you you couldn’t come over. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I n-need to talk to you.”

He threw the comforter over me and left the room only to come back a second later with an even fluffier quilt. He shut the bedroom door behind him and stuffed the blanket around me. I snuggled down deeper and waited for the shivers to quit racking my body. Now on the edge of the bed, he held his head in his hands.

“Where were you?” I asked.

“Here.”

“You didn’t answer.”

He ran his fingers through his wild hair. “I told you you couldn’t sleep here tonight. I’m all sorts of messed up.”

Seemed fair after what I’d done. “I’m sorry for not sticking up for you with Bear, for coming over anyway.”

He reached out and rubbed my shoulder. “To be fair, I guess you didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“That’s not it. I would come here even if I had ten thousand places to go. You’re the only thing that feels like home now.”

His hand stilled.

“I know I fucked up. God, you did that for me today, and then I threw it right back in your face. I’ll call Bear and tell him I’m talking to you again. That I’m going to be talking to you again whether he likes it or not. I’ll tell him we’re…well, whatever we are.” The adrenaline in my body warmed me by the second. I lifted my head and grabbed his other hand. “Please forgive me.”

“Forgive you? Are you serious? Everybody hates me and I deserve it. I killed Kyle. I should be asking you for forgiveness.”

“No.” I squeezed his hand. “It was an accident. I forgive you. I’ve already forgiven you. You don’t need to ask.”

Slowly, Chase lifted himself from the bed and walked into the middle of the room. “Are you sure? Because I’m not looking to be friends anymore.” He balled his hands into fists at his sides. “So help me God, he’s going to kill me.”

I didn’t know whom he meant by
he
, but he didn’t give me time to think about it. He placed a hand on my cheek. Where he touched me the skin burned, my body temperature still too low. “My feelings run deeper for you than that. Way deeper.”

My chest swelled. It expanded as if there was too much of everything to hold inside. I put my hand over his, removed it from my cheek, and kissed it.

He smiled, then lifted the covers and wrapped me in his warmth. Dropping kisses onto my head, he brushed the pads of his thumbs along my cheeks. Then he worked his way down and kissed my lips.

After earlier, I wasn’t sure I’d ever kiss him again, so I took advantage of it. I laced my hands behind his neck and held him there, entwining our legs. The same rumbling sound that turned me to mush earlier came from his chest, low and deep. My body temperature went off the charts.

“You warm?” he asked.

I peeled off the blankets. “Getting there.”

He smiled and traced my lips with his fingers.

“Is your mom home?”

He nodded, eyes clouding over. “Why? You didn’t get enough of me yesterday?”

I rose and straddled him on the bed. “No. Definitely not.” I moved against him. “I want you, Chase. Only you.”

His eyes rounded, and the shadows on his face darkened ever so slightly. He grabbed me by the top of my jeans, making me stop. “Your first time needs to be special. Not with my mother in the other room. You won’t be able to be loud.” His lips quirked into a smile. “And you were pretty loud last night.”

Any other person and I would’ve been embarrassed, but this was Chase. I leaned down, my lips barely grazing his. “I want to feel you.” I rocked my hips into his and was rewarded when he grew thick beneath me.

His grip around my hips tightened, but he didn’t stop my grinding this time. Without warning, he flipped me to my back. “You’re killing me, baby.” He kept his distance, hovering inches above me.

“Didn’t you like last night?” I pleaded. Maybe I should’ve been embarrassed for begging, but I didn’t care about much, only that I got to share myself with Chase.

He sighed, and his breath fanned wisps of hair from my face. “You know I did.”

“Isn’t there something we can do?” I slid my hand down between us until I could feel the physical proof of how much he wanted me, then bravely, I closed my fingers around him.

He stilled and so did I, but then he collapsed on top of me, pinning my arm between our bodies. He muffled noises into the pillow, angry moans, before thrusting into my palm. Slowly at first, then faster as I squeezed him.

He jerked away. “You want to fucking kill me, don’t you? I can’t resist you. I can’t. I’m trying to be a good guy here. You’re not like those other girls to me and I don’t want to treat you like it.”

“I know I’m not like those other girls. You want
me
, not just it. Not just sex. Me.”

He turned into the pillow for a moment, then he lifted himself over me.

“Show me,” I pleaded.

He showed me on my jaw, kissing it softly, and then my lips before caressing them open with his tongue. Mine met his, and then he went exploring. I couldn’t imagine ever getting tired of this. He deserved an Olympic medal for kissing.

He ducked his head toward my breasts. As he lowered his mouth, he locked eyes with me. He was so dangerously close to giving me exactly what I wanted.

“Touch me there. Please.”

He grabbed the hem of my shirt and lifted, making sure to tease my nipples as he passed my chest. As soon as it was on the floor, he undid the clasp on my bra.

Chase sat back. I was exposed to him and I felt it everywhere. Wherever his stare landed, pinpricks bloomed. “Fucking beautiful,” he murmured. He took off his shirt and threw it across the room.

I reached out and put my hands on his chest. “You’re so sexy.”

His eyes filled with desire and he lowered his mouth to my breast. Again, he paused above me, his hot breaths teasing me before he finally took me into his mouth.

Oh God. Amazing.

I moaned, trying to keep as quiet as I could. His hands and lips roamed everywhere, kissing me, his touch making me dizzy. My body was building, the intensity reaching higher and higher. I simultaneously wanted to rush to get there, but also draw it out and bask in it.

He slid my pants off and then kissed along my panty line and lower. I grabbed the bedsheets at the same time he pulled my panties down.

I was completely naked in front of Chase.

He squeezed my bare hips, which did delicious things to my body. A feverous shiver rocked me. Then he was right there again, rolling his hips. I spread my legs so he’d touch me where I needed him to.

But instead of his jeans, I felt his hand.

He stared into my eyes. “You and me. Right?”

I nodded, and he pressed his fingers inside me.

A foreign, intoxicating pleasure consumed my whole body. “Oh my God. That feels good.”

He about swallowed the pillow as he moaned into the fabric, then he lifted his head. “You’re so wet, baby. And hot. I’m going to make you come.”

He was taking me there. My body was tight all over. “Oh. Please, Chase.”

“Christ, Kels. There’s the sexy face I love.” He slipped his fingers in and out, slow at first and then faster as I moved against him. “Come, baby. Right now.”

He pressed deeper. I strained against him once and then paused as everything rushed forward. Pleasure overtook every thought, every emotion, everything. Chase’s mouth covered mine as he swallowed my moans.

Inside me, his fingers still moved a little as the rest of my tremors subsided. Completely spent, I relaxed onto the bed. He pulled out. I wanted to protest, but he hugged me to him and kissed me until he stole my breath. He had stolen everything, if it was ever mine at all. It might have always been his.

He pulled away and rested his forehead on mine.

I had no words for him. Taking his face in my hands, I kissed his lips, his nose, his eyes, his chin. Every beautiful part of him. “You and me.”

He grabbed the covers and pulled them over us. “You and me.”

Jitters fluttered in my chest and stomach.

My hands roamed over his abs and down. I wanted to see him, touch him. “Can I see you? All of you?” I flirted with the top of his jeans.

His eyes closed momentarily and then opened. He lowered his zipper and I helped him work his jeans down. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion. It was taking forever to get a glimpse of him. His boxers still bulged because of his erection, but finally he lowered them, too, so he lay naked before me.

I was hot again. I could picture him entering me, and I wanted it. I traced the lines of his hip and down his muscular thigh.

Chase’s eyes were beautifully dark, needy. He gripped himself and squeezed.