How We Lived (Entangled Embrace) (2 page)

He wavered.
Don’t stop
, I silently pleaded,
don’t stop
. He didn’t. Tears gathered in my eyes and started to spill. So much for all those months of crying. I thought I didn’t have anything left in me, but apparently this was another way nature screwed us. We have an endless supply of tears, but a limited supply of life.

On the last note, Chase slipped to his knees, too, his cheeks wet, face red. Breathless. Tears had gotten caught in his eyelashes, and I wondered if anyone else in the world had seen Chase Crowley cry. My brother and I had when Dippy died, but we were young. Chase didn’t share this side of himself with just anybody.

I smiled, tentatively, and his face lit from within. Just one look and he teased a sliver of pain from my heart. That effect—the way one single look from him could warm me—made me anxious.

“What are we doing?” I asked.

We were crying, together, over this stupid thing we used to do when we were kids. It struck me then how weird this was, and soon my smile turned into a laugh, and then I was giggling uncontrollably and holding the flowers over my heart. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was caught between being so sad I might break apart and being so happy that for the first time in months, I finally felt close to my brother. Kyle was all around us. He was in Chase. He was in me. He was in this ceremony.

I could breathe again. And it was all because of Chase. A lot of things were because of him, but this felt the most important. This reprieve from pain.

Chase shook his head. “We’re showing Kyle how much we love him.”

The ache grew in my chest. I loved someone I would never see again.

The laughs choked me and once more, I was sobbing. Chase held out his hand and I placed one of the white carnations in his palm. I should have pulled up the white flower weeds from the backyard. The flowers were my job, after all.

Chase was the trumpet player. Kyle was the digger. I supplied the weeds. My only job and I’d messed it up.

“For you, man.” Chase threw his carnation onto the dark wood casket. “I’m sorry,” he choked out and then rocked onto his heels and stood.

I grabbed his pant leg before he could walk away. No way was he leaving after that. After he broke my heart again with his pain. He froze, the toe of his shoe already pointing away from me.

This was it. This was my good-bye. I peered down at the carnation I twirled in my hands and then stared at the darkening sky. “I. W. L. A. S. M. S. Y. U. K. E.”

Chase’s eyes widened. “Say it again.”

I repeated the letters. Our secret code.

After a moment he said, “Me, too.”

I threw my carnation into the grave and the long stem landed across Chase’s. He held out his hand again to help me stand, but didn’t let go. He pulled me in for a hug, then broke away and jogged over the hill.

That was Chase. Here, and then not.

…

-Chase-

Fuck me, did that really happen?

Kelsey Larkin stopped me from leaving, she…kept me there. I hugged her. That was the fucking greatest feeling ever, especially after I’d already resigned myself to never speaking to her again. Then I ran away like a little bitch. I hadn’t wanted to see her face after. After she realized she’d finally spoken to me all these months later. It felt like decades. It felt like a goddamn eternity.

But there she was, sitting under the tree on the hill. I couldn’t help myself—I stood and stared for a while. Her hair blew in the breeze, her longer hair. It looked grown-up.
She
looked grown-up. Watching someone come and go from their house like a stalker was different than actually being right there next to them, experiencing them. Especially when you’d spent your whole life talking to that person every day.

Five months had passed, and my heart still beat against my ribs like it had started doing ever since Kyle left and it was just her and me. I’d almost forgotten the reason why I was there.

Me.

I needed to see if she was okay. I hadn’t planned on talking to her, afraid Kyle himself would come down to smite me, throw me out of his damn funeral. That part just kind of happened. As soon as I saw her under the tree—alone—it was like fate. I was drawn to her. It was stupid to think I could be so close and not go to her.

From my spot on the bed, I reached over and took the picture of Kyle and me from my top drawer. He was smiling, happy. So different than the last time I spoke to him. Completely fucking different.

Kels had taken this picture at his welcome home party. Kyle and I had our arms slung around each other in my backyard with big, heavy coats on, a bonfire rising behind us. If I looked really hard, I could see the resemblance between Kelsey and Kyle, and all over again, I wished I had a picture of her to stare at these past five months that didn’t involve her being eight years old with a sand bucket and shovel. Not sure if it would have made things easier, or worse. Just different.

In the photo, I wasn’t looking into the camera, I was looking at her. I remembered it like yesterday. This was the best last memory I had of him…of her. She’d been so freaking hyped up on caffeine the entire night, so excited and happy to have him home that she’d barely sat still. Kyle, Bear, and I went around enjoying ourselves, and she busied herself in the kitchen with my mom. Even Mrs. Larkin had come over to help set up food trays and drinks. Throwing the party for Kyle was natural. They were like family, Kels and Kyle. I’d do anything for them.

Bro, I’m sorry, man. I couldn’t stay away…can’t stay away.

When it turned dusk, everyone still at the party went outside. Though it was December and cold and there were patches of snow on the ground, Kyle wanted a bonfire like old times. So we gave it to him.

After I lit the fire, Kelsey sat in the chair right next to me. I’d wanted to grab her and pull her into my lap so bad it nearly killed me. She wouldn’t have known why, but I wanted to tell her.
If it’s the last damn thing I do, I’m going to tell her.
With Kyle deployed, she wasn’t just his sister, or one of my best friends. She was Kelsey Larkin, beautiful girl next door whose nose crinkled when she laughed, who always smelled so damn good, and who set my heart racing every time she looked at me. She would have laughed it off, smacked me in the shoulder, and told me to go after one of the cute girls who were always hanging around me.

I didn’t want them. Not anymore.

Kyle had come over then and sat on his sister’s lap, plopping himself down. Kels winced before she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. You could see it in her face, how much Kyle being away hurt her.

She clung to him like she didn’t ever want to let go. Then she patted his back. “I’m proud of you. For real.”

“Don’t be.” He smiled and messed up her hair. “I’m not the one acing college.”

Her smile lit up her entire face. “Well, we can’t all be as awesome as me.”

Kyle shook his head. “That’s it. You’ve been asking for it all damn day. Come on, Chase.” He looked back at me with an evil grin.

Kelsey tried to crawl out from under him. When it didn’t work, she shoved at his back. “No! Don’t, guys. For real. Please?” She tried to be stern, but giggles shook her body. “Don’t. I’m going to be mad. Really.”

Kyle flipped around and secured her hands, then he nodded toward her feet. Her skin was so smooth I had to resist the urge to run my finger along her calf. Instead, we held her up and started to swing her. She was no match for us. Never was.

“You ready?” Kyle had asked.

With each swing we were getting her closer and closer to the bonfire. Her eyes widened. She knew we wouldn’t do anything, obviously, but she was starting to panic anyway.

“We are so too old for this, guys,” she managed between swings. “I’m eighteen, you know.”

I had
definitely
noticed.

The hood on her jacket grazed the ground. “One,” I said.

“Two,” Kyle said.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bear get in place. We said “Three” all together but instead of launching her into the fire, we launched her backward into Bear, who easily plucked her out of the air and set her on her feet.

She pulled at the bottom of her coat, which had ridden up, and cast each of us a cold look. “Is that out of your systems now?”

Our friends, mostly old high school classmates, laughed. I barely noticed. It was just us. I stepped forward. “I don’t know,” I said with a wicked grin. The truth was, I wanted to grab her and pull her to me. Laugh in her hair, make her smile. Tell her how pretty she looked when she was pretending to be mad.

She stepped back on the toe of Bear’s shoe and fell into him. He wrapped his arms around her. Not anything more than to help her not face-plant on the ground, but my insides churned.

“You stay away from me, Chase Crowley.” Her eyes were hard at first, but then they softened and her lips turned up. “You better stay away.”

If only it were possible.

My cell phone rang, thrusting me from the daydream. Only two people called me anymore, but I fumbled for the phone anyway and then accidentally dropped it on the floor. I scooped it up, my fingers shaking. One of these times, Kels would be calling me again.

It wasn’t this time. Mom flashed on the screen.

“Hey,” she said, voice cheery. Calypso music played in the background. Her ship must have either been at port, or close enough to shore to get a cell tower.

Hearing her helped ease the disappointment. “Hey, Ma.”

“I’m just calling to remind you I’ll be back in a couple days. You haven’t burned down the house or anything, right?”

“Still the way you left it. I even cleaned some of your mess.”

Her laughter mixed with the music. “So, what have you been up to?”

She sounded worried. When she booked the cruise last year, she hadn’t known I’d make the biggest mistake of my life. She didn’t know my best friend would be dead or that she’d have to babysit her twenty-one-year-old son.

She would have canceled the cruise for me—she tried to, but I hung up on the travel agent before she could change her tickets—but the worst was over now. Besides, what was she going to do, stay here and watch me sulk for the rest of my life? “Just hanging around,” I told her.

Before she left, she made me promise I wouldn’t go to the funeral. Hell, I knew I wasn’t welcome. I had every intention of keeping that promise, too, but when it came right down to it, I couldn’t help myself. Kelsey would be there. It was one place I knew she’d be and that was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. I had no idea why Mom believed me.

“Just hanging around?”

“Yep. Just chillin’ here in my awesome room.”

“Did you go to DDP last night?”

DDP, Drinking Driver Program. I couldn’t hate on it too much. It allowed me my conditional license. “Yes.”

“You’ve only been driving to and from work? And—”

“Yes, Mom.” I was well aware of the consequences if I fucked up again, and it wasn’t going to happen.

She paused and I heard what sounded like a sigh of relief. She didn’t have to check on me, but it made her feel better. “You shouldn’t sound so glum about your room. You stay rent-free. I don’t know why you want to move out all of a sudden. I’m not a bad roommate, am I? I’m hardly ever there.”

Mom was great. She really was. It made her nervous to think about me moving out, but I needed to prove to myself and to everyone else I could do this. I could be the guy I knew I could be. “True,” I told her, “but I can’t have my wild parties in your house.”

She laughed. “Once upon a time, I might have believed that. I probably would’ve come running home. You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m good. Promise.”

“Good. Well, I’m off on another adventure. Kisses. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

I tossed my phone down on the bed and ran my hands through my hair. Even my mom had a freaking life
.
And it wasn’t so much sharing the house with her that pissed me off, it was feeling like I was a little kid again. I needed her for everything the past few months. She’s the one who’d driven me everywhere I needed to go until the courts granted me my conditional license. She was the one who listened when I talked about Kyle. About Kelsey. She was the one who fought off reporters and stuck up for me.

I needed to do it on my own now.

In the kitchen, I cooked a steak. As soon as I put it on my plate, a truck engine roared outside. I clenched the sides of the counter and then walked to the window. If I made out with the glass, I could just see the end of the Larkins’ driveway. Bear’s truck idled next to her mailbox. I knew it.

Where the fuck had he been earlier? Some boyfriend. Some
friend
. Shouldn’t he have been the one to comfort Kels, to kick her dad’s ass for not allowing her to be a part of the funeral? I wanted to break him in half for that…among other things.

When he let himself inside, I pushed away from the window. I took one look at my steak, threw it in the trash, and ran to my room to grab my phone.

Finding Vito in it was easy. I’d listed him under favorites. “Hey. Need any help tonight? I’m free.”

Dishes clanked around him and shouts for “more garlic” rose over the clatter. Vito owned one of the restaurants that I worked with. “I’m full up tonight, Chase.”

Shit.
I grabbed a fistful of my hair. “All right then, see ya—”

“Hey, wait a minute. I’ve got this new dish I need you to try. See if we can add it to the menu for your program. You got time to come sit at my bar, humor an old man?”

Relief swept over me. “Yeah, I got time for that.”

“I’ll talk with the boss. See if I can’t save you a seat.”

I chuckled. The only boss Vito had was his wife. “I’ll be right over.”

His voice pitched lower, almost a whisper. “You need a ride? I can send one of the delivery boys.”

I tightened my grip on the phone. I could picture him standing in the middle of the kitchen, trying to be discreet while the line cooks shouted orders and dressed plates, and the waitresses buzzed in and out, their hands filled with Vito’s delicious food. I hated that I had to justify driving my own car. Hated even more that other people worried about it, too. “It’s for work, right?”