Hard To Love (3 page)

It was after twelve by the time we finally stopped shopping.
It took three shoe stores before we found the perfect set of
black-and-red velvet skyscraper heels. Instantly, I fell in love with
the shoes. Not too long after that came lunch, and this time we ate
at the Harbour Front diner, well known for the best fish and chips
in the state. Cassie was great at helping me escape my mind. She
had always been there for me in the past. I just wish I had kept in
touch more after I moved to L.A.

After lunch it was around three by the time we were back to
shopping, to get a mask that suited my dress best. We pulled up in
front of the town’s biggest party store. Cassie armed her car and
turned to face me. “Even if we get a plain mask and just dazzle it
up, that could also work,” she said smiling at me. I nodded and
then we got out of the car. She was better at this than me.

As Cassie spoke to the guy at the front counter, I browsed
through the aisles for something that caught my eye. Just as Cassie
called out to me, I found the perfect Venetian mask. The silver
mask cut out in a decorative pattern, encrusted with red sparkling
gems as well as silver and red glitter dust and to top it off a
brilliant silk red ribbon to fasten it.

“I found it.” I spun around holding it
, grinning. Cassie nodded
approvingly. Her smile made me smile even wider. She purchased
the mask and we left the store.
“Thank you for all of this Cassie,” I said hugging her tight.
“Don’t mention it. I miss these days.”
“I will pay you back.”
“Don’t insult me.” She said rolling her eyes. “This is my gift to

you, for all the birthdays we didn’t spend together.” I didn’t know
what to say to that. She was a better friend than I had ever been to
her. “Now we have at least eight hours to kill.” Cassie said as she
got in the driver seat. “This was easier than I thought. Usually you
are more stubborn.” She giggled as she turned to look at me.

“I’
m trying harder to be more pleasant to be around,” I joked.
“We can just hang around for a bit or sleep.”
“Sleep? What are you? An old lady?” She playfully slapped my
leg. “The fall colours are really starting to kick in. How about the
Portland gardens?” she suggested.
“Photographing foliage . . . I’m in.” I gasped excitedly.
“I knew that would cheer you up.” She grinned.
“Is it possible to stop at my house for a minute?”
“Absolutely.” Cassie started the engine. “It’s been too long
since I’ve seen your face light up like that.”
Bashfully I smiled. There had not been much to smile about. “I
haven’t taken any photographs since Matt died.” I looked out the
window as I finished that sentence.
“Then it’s time. To the garden we go.” She said, grabbing my
hand in hers and giving it a squeeze. “Oh, how do you feel about
lobster for dinner?”
“Sounds terrific,” I forced a smile. “You are going to fatten me
up in no time.” I laughed.
“Impossible,” Cassie chuckled.
I was starting to feel better as time passed. I never realized how
much I missed Cassie until today. Being home again wasn’t as bad
as I thought.
As we stopped at a red light I said. “I really missed you,
Cassie.” Then leaned over and hugged her.
“I missed you too. I’m glad to have you back.” She stretched
her arm around me. “Oh, you get to meet Charlie tonight.”
“Who’s Charlie?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at her. Cassie
dated frequently, but she hadn’t mentioned anyone prior to now.
“He’s my boyfriend,” she said joyfully. “You are going to love
him.”
“How long have you been dating him?” I asked. Cassie never
dated anyone for more than two weeks. She smiled and glanced
over at me.
“About a month,” she replied. “He is gorgeous, different from
anyone else I have ever dated.”
“A month, huh?” She noticed my surprised expression.
“What? You think you’re the only girl to find true love?” she
snapped.
“No, it’s just you always told me your motto was to never get
attached. Heartbreak was too painful,” I quoted.
“Well—I still believe that. It’s just that Charlie”—she
swooned—“no words describe how I feel about him. He is
completely devoted to me, and I couldn’t imagine my life without
him.” It was good to see Cassie happy, for however long it lasted.
This was a better look for her. Not to say she was never happy.
She was just known as the female philanderer. Not the best
reputation to have in this town.
“I’m happy for you,” I replied.

Later, at the garden
, my camera didn’t stop snapping pictures
even as I carried on a conversation with Cassie. The bright reds
and oranges were incredible against the deep-green foliage that
was late in transforming. An hour was spent just walking through
a trail in the forest, leading us to a botanical garden with a large
pond and amazing sculptures made out of bushes. The sculpted
scenes were inventive. It was as though it was a scene from
Alice
in Wonderland
and at any moment the
Mad Hatter
would jump
out—because with my luck that’s who would greet me. I had to
chuckle at the thought.

As we walked farther, Cassie pointed out a giant mermaid
sculpture in the middle of the pond. The flowers of fall bloomed in
reds and oranges, framing her face. It was an incredible sight.

“They call it
mosaiculture. It has spread all over the world. It’s
quite remarkable,” Cassie pointed out.
“To say the least,” I said, in awe of the beauty that engulfed us.
“There is a really beautiful waterfall around here too. Unless it’s
too cold with the mist in the air.” She said.
“Not at all,” I replied, gesturing for her to lead the way.
“Speaking of waterfalls,” I began, following her over the bridge
through thick green and red foliage, “do the Fosters really own the
land where we used to picnic as kids?”
“Yes,” Cassie replied. “The park closed and everything was torn
down after another drowning happened. The people who owned it
were sued, and they couldn’t afford to keep the park anymore.”
“Again?” I gasped.
“Yeah after you nearly drowned—”
“My what?” I stopped short, grabbing her arm, unable to get
over the fact that she said I had nearly drowned.
“Yeah, after you almost drowned, it seemed to happen a lot.”
“I drowned?” I scanned my brain for this event but came up
blank.
“Yes. Don’t you remember?” Cassie asked, confused.
“No.” I trembled, slowly turning my head, and stared out at the
water.
“It was horrific,” she replied. “That year I think the dam had
been damaged, caused by the hard winter we got. The tide was a
lot higher than normal, and when you went into the river, you
slipped, went down the rapids into the big pond. You hit your head
pretty bad.” Cassie’s head tilted slightly as she observed me.
I rubbed the scar on the side of my head. Flashes of that day
came back to me. “A boy saved me.” I looked up at her,
remembering.
“Yeah, I believe he was given a medal from the Mayor for his
bravery.” She nodded. “I can’t remember his name, though.” She
tapped her index finger against her lips. “I think it was—”
“Matthew,” I gasped, and then smiled.
Cassie’s head jerked in my direction.
Her mouth gaped. “No… you think it was the same Matt?”
“Only one way to find out.” I shrugged, puckering my lips.
“We’ll go there right after we are done here,” Cassie said.

The newspaper archives at the city hall library would give me
the answers I needed. After I took a few more snapshots of the
waterfall, we made our way back to Cassie’s car.

The librarian took us to the archive section of the library. Cassie
started with the
Tribune
first, as I searched the
Portland Star
. She
ended up finding it first.

“Here it is
,” she said, tapping me on the shoulder. I moved over
to her table, leaning closer to the screen. The picture was in black
and white, but those eyes were unmistakable.

“I don’t believe it.” Tears filled my eyes. “I don’t know if this
makes me feel better or worse.” I covered my face with my hands.
“Why does it make you feel worse? It was fate that brought you
two together,” she said, taking me in her arms.
“Because it was my fault he died, Cassie.” I sobbed on her
shoulder. Cassie rubbed her hand down the back of my head,
comforting me.
“Don’t be silly, Lauren.”
“It was.” I sniffed back the tears and pulled back a little. “We
were fighting the day of the accident. I had accused him of
cheating on me and then showed up at his work unannounced.” I
paused to wipe my nose. “I couldn’t have been more wrong. He
was so furious with me that he didn’t notice the red light he drove
through. That’s when a transport truck Tboned us.”
“I’m sorry, Lauren.” Her eyes widened, staring at me,
speechless. “What made you think he was cheating?”
I shook my head regretfully. “My friend Billie. She put it in my
head that his late nights were because of another woman.” I
covered my face, embarrassed. “She got me worried for nothing.”
The anger that had festered began to pour out. “But I couldn’t help
but believe her when he started to forget that we had plans. He also
bailed on me when we were supposed to go to Mom’s for
Thanksgiving.” I sat back in the chair, resting my head in my
hand. “That was the last straw for me. I had been so upset for
weeks that I came up with the bright idea to show up at his work,
try to catch him in the act. Boy was I embarrassed when I walked
in. He was in a meeting with his editing team.”
“Oh, Lauren.” She sucked in air through her teeth.
“Yeah, I know. Right?” I scoffed, shaking my head. “What I
didn’t realize was that during their meeting they had been drinking
champagne in celebration. I don’t even know what was being
celebrated. He never got the chance to tell me.” The tears were
effortlessly falling now. Breathlessly I continued. “The
toxicology screen showed he was over the legal limit, and the cops
tried to blame the accident on him.”
“Still, that doesn’t make it your fault.” She tried to hug me.
“You don’t understand, Cassie. If I had not shown up, he would
have taken a cab home,” I cried.
Talking about this was tearing me up inside. It had been a year
since I spoke of him so freely. Cassie held me, letting me cry it
out, not sure of what to say. For the past year I had blamed myself
for his death. If he hadn’t been driving that night, then he would
have still been alive. As I pulled away wiping my face, Cassie
folded her hands in her lap.
Then she said, “I understand why you blame yourself, but,
honey, it’s not your fault, and if Matt was here right now, I bet he
would tell you that.” I tried to smile but instead started crying
again. “Enough of this sad song.” She brushed away the hair stuck
to the sides of my face. “We need to get you in a better mood.” She
kissed my cheek. We put everything away then she turned off the
microfilm reader, and pulled me up to my feet.
I didn’t want to tell Cassie that having lobster was the last thing
on my mind. Instead, I suggested eating dinner with my mom
since I wanted to go home and change anyway. Cassie decided she
would go home too. My emotional state was more than she was
used to. I was never the girl who cried on everyone’s shoulders.
That’s what she used to use me for.
“I’ll be back at nine to get you, and you better not be asleep.”
She chuckled as she leaned over to give me a hug.
“I won’t. I promise.” I laughed, and then climbed out.
“Wear something sexy,” she said, leaning over to the passenger
side, looking up at me.
“Okay.” I sighed, and then waved her off.
“Mom?” I called out, making my way down the hall. I found
her in the tea room with a friend. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to
interrupt.”
“Lauren, come in,” she said smiling, “Mrs. Peterson and I were
just having tea.”
“Hello.” I nodded and smiled. “I was checking to see if you
wanted to have dinner with me,” I asked.
“That sounds great. I have a stew on the stove.”
“Okay.” I smiled, turned and left them to their tea.
I stayed in my room until my mother called me down to eat.
Then after dinner, I took a long shower, dried my hair and after the
third outfit I decided on something simple. I pulled on a pair of
charcoal skinny jeans, a hot-pink, off-the-shoulder fitted top and
my favourite black patent-leather heels.
I brushed my hair again and then straightened it. Once satisfied
with my hair, I started on my make-up, adding a hint of light-pink
shimmer shadow, blackest-black mascara and a high sheer rose
gloss to my full lips. I was impressed with myself for being ready
before Cassie arrived. When Cassie walked in, she was wearing a
jet-black jersey turtleneck dress, with knee-high boots. She looked
as amazing as ever.
“I didn’t realize you were going to wear a dress,” I groaned,
feeling underdressed.
“I’m wearing this for Charlie. He loves my long legs,” she said
with a giggle. I shook my head and laughed as I followed her out
the door.

When we arrived outside the club called Gravity, the line
stretched around the building. I huffed, disappointed. Cassie
glanced at me as she got out of the car.

“I didn’t realize
how busy this place was,” I replied. “There’s a
line already.”
“Oh, honey, we don’t wait in line.” Her head flung back as she
laughed. Cassie held out her hand to take mine as we walked up to
the front doors. The bouncer smiled at her and unlatched the
velvet rope. She gave him a big smile and slipped past him.
“Charlie owns this place,” she replied. “Come on. Let’s see if
he is here yet.” She pulled me along behind her, slithering our way
through the crowd. We stopped at the bar along the way, where
she ordered us both a martini. She turned around to face the crowd,
her eye scanning the faces. I accepted my drink from the bartender
with a smile. He winked at me before helping someone else.
As I turned, moving to the music, I spotted Mason out of the
corner of my eye on the other side of the bar, both elbows planted
on the wood and swirling the straw around in his glass. He glanced
up from his drink and his eyes met mine. I ignored that familiar
hateful stare and turned away.
“Your cousin is here,” I sighed with a roll of my eye.
Cassie glanced behind me. “Yeah, he frequents this place,” she
said.
“Does he have a drinking problem?” I asked.
“Not that I’m aware of, but then again I don’t pay much
attention to him.” she said, and then waved at someone. I followed
her stare and spotted a handsome young man with dirty-blond hair
and ice-blue eyes.
“Hello, gorgeous,” he said, walking over and kissing her cheek.
“Babe, I want you to meet my best friend, Lauren,” Cassie
introduced. Charlie smiled and reached around her to take my
hand in his.
“Pleasure to meet you, Lauren.” he leaned in close. “What a
lovely name, by the way.” He smiled then turned to Cassie. “I
haven’t heard from you all day. I wasn’t sure if you were going to
show up,” he said, hugging Cassie close.
“Sorry, I was out with Lauren. We shopped for her masquerade
gown today.” Her shoulders bounced with excitement.
“How exciting.” he joked. I laughed and she playfully punched
him in the stomach. “I’m sure it was fun.” He kissed the side of
her head lovingly. “Look, I’m up in the booth if you want to join
me. I have some friends from out of town here tonight that I want
you to meet.” He wrapped his arm around her neck, pulling her
away.
“Sure.” She reached out for me to follow, but I shook my head.
“You go. I’m going to have another drink, then see if I find
anyone I know,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood for small talk—
maybe after a few more drinks.
“George,” Charlie called out to the bartender. “Drinks for her
are on me tonight,” he said pointing me out. The bartender
nodded, then handed me a glowing pink bracelet, giving me
another wink. I felt my cheeks sting.
“I won’t be long,” Cassie mouthed as she walked away.
I smiled and waved. I sipped the martini and scanned the crowd
until someone stood in front of me.
“Are you stalking me?” He smirked, crossing his arms. I eyed
him up and down, noticing his expensive black polo shirt with a
tattoo-style design on the right side of his chest, dark denim jeans
and black boots.
“Are you drunk again, rock star?” I retorted.
“Funny.” This time his lips parted when he smiled, and I
noticed his perfect set of white teeth to go with that sexy smile.
What was I thinking?
I shook my head and averted my eyes.
“Are you here to pester me, or am I trespassing again?” I
mocked. It was childish, but he was a jerk and I needed to put him
in his place. I turned to the bartender, waiting for him to look my
way. When our eyes met, I gestured for another drink and he
started making it.
“My own words used against me. Ouch,” Mason said, leaning
on the bar next to me. “Tell me, does the tough-chick act actually
work for you?”
“I don’t know, does the, I’m a douche with lots of money, work
for you?” I scowled.
“Ouch and the gloves are off.” He flashed a toothy grin.
Wow . . . .
“I’m here to have a good time, Mason. Please find someone else
to bother,” I said with a roll of my eyes. I turned just as George,
my personal bartender for the night, finished my martini and
placed it on the wooden bar. I thanked him with a smile, and
walked away, leaving Mason behind me.
“I’m impressed,” he said, coming up behind me whispering in
my ear. I jerked away.
“With what—my good memory or the fact that I am still
tolerating you right now,” I asked as I turned to face him, almost
spilling my drink because he was standing so close. I huffed and
stared him down.
His smile was starting to irritate me. “Well, it is definitely not
your tolerance for cool people.” His lips screwed into a smile and
he tilted his head forward. He fingered a strand of hair by my
cheek. My mouth parted, but no words came out. Glancing over
his shoulder, I spotted Cassie coming towards us. I pushed past
Mason to meet up with her. Maybe standing around alone was not
a good idea after all. She took me over to a set of stairs leading to a
glass room. When I glanced behind me, as I followed Cassie,
Mason was still watching me. Our eyes locked for a moment.
“Was that Mason you were talking to?” she asked, grabbing a
seat next to Charlie.
With a nod I replied, “Yes.”
“Sorry. The last thing I thought he would do was talk to you,
after the other day.” She winced.
I shrugged.
“Hello again,” Charlie said and looked up at me with a big
smile. I nodded and smiled back. I sat next to Cassie. I listened to
them chat about their summer trips to places I had wished to see at
some point in my life.
I scolded myself. No pity party tonight, and with a deep inhale,
slowly letting out the breath, I let go of negative thoughts. I
glanced to my right, looking down at the dance floor and the
moving bodies. Sitting here listening to them talk was boring and
reminding me of the pity party going on in my head. In my
standing, everyone halted their conversation.
“I think I want to dance,” I said, then gulped the rest of my
drink, placing the glass on the table.
“You sure?” Cassie stood next to me.
“Oh yeah.” I tried to hide my annoyance.
“I’ll be back in a bit.” Cassie leaned down to kiss Charlie on the
lips. I was grateful she decided to join me.
As we walked down the stairs, I danced and I did not care if
anyone was watching. Cassie grabbed my hand as we made our
way through to the middle of the crowded floor. You weren’t
having fun dancing unless you were in a tangled mess of bodies.
Letting go, allowing the music to take over, I closed my eyes
and I heard Cassie next to me, singing along. We cheered as the
next song started, singing as loud as we could. Then a spin of slow
songs took over, giving me the cue that it was time to get a drink.
George remembered me, giving me a wink as he caught my eye.
Cassie joined me moments later. I was surprised Charlie hadn’t
come down to dance to a slow song with her. It wasn’t my
business how they worked as a couple. If she was happy then I
was happy for her. Cassie ordered two rounds of tequila shots.
With my throat on fire, after drinking the shots, I made my way
back to the dance floor just as my favourite song came on. I
squealed and dragged Cassie back with me. Girls were jumping
and singing, their arms waving in the air. Before I knew it, the
alcohol was beginning to numb me. Beads of sweat slowly dripped
down my neck. Cassie waved at me to get my attention, gesturing
she needed a drink. I waved her off and continued dancing. The
music took me into a trance, and I let my body flow to the beat of
the song. Not long after Cassie had gone, I felt someone come up
behind me, wrapping their arms around my waist. I didn’t care.
Whoever it was smelled good—a good sign he had taste. I let
my body grind against his, stretching my arms behind me and
running my fingers through his short hair. My eyes were shut—
that was a good thing; otherwise the spinning room might have
made me nauseous. Drinking was not something I did often.
When the song ended, I slowly turned to face the mystery
person rubbing up against me. I had to balance myself with his as I
spun around. The smile on my face disappeared when I locked
eyes with him. His sexy little smile was starting to get on my
nerves. I didn’t understand what his deal was with me.
“Mason.” I scowled, pulling away. “God, why don’t you just
go away?”
“Where are you going?” He shouted as he followed me to the
bar. He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him just as I was
getting, George, the bartenders attention.
I slapped his hand away. “Do you want me to yell at you? Is
that what you like?”
“Maybe.” He smirked.
“Ugh, stop smiling.” I turned away.
“Why? Don’t you like my smile?” He grabbed my arm, turning
me around again.
“Not liking it isn’t the problem.” I regretted it the moment the
words left my mouth. His top lip twitched as he started to smile
again. I needed to escape Mason. George nodded once we made
eye contact.
“There you are!” Cassie walked in front of Mason.
“I think I need to go home,” I said.
“Are you sure?” Cassie pouted.
“Yes.” I glared past her. She turned to find Mason standing
there with his arms crossed a smug look on his face. George
handed me a martini and I started taking big sips.
“What’s your deal, coz?” she asked, placing her hands on her
hips.
He smugly replied, “Nothing.” But he wasn’t looking at her; he
was still staring at me. Cassie eyed him a little longer, and then
turned to face me.
“Let me just tell Charlie,” she said, touching my arm.
“No—Cassie, you stay.” I shook my head.
“Lauren, I not going to just—”
“I can take her home,” Mason interrupted. Cassie craned her
neck to look at him.
“You’ve been drinking,” she said.
“I’d sooner walk home with a serial killer,” I replied. Mason
didn’t respond but he didn’t walk away either. Cassie couldn’t
help but grin. “I’m fine. You stay have fun I will see you tomorrow
or something.”
“No, you are not walking home alone,” she said sternly.
“I’ll walk with her,” Mason interjected. This time my eyes
widened, surprised, as I wondered what his end game was.
“You sure?” Cassie turned to face him again.
“Yeah, it’s a beautiful night out,” he replied. “I could use the
fresh air.”
“No. I’m not that far from here,” I said, refusing his company.
“I know.” He smiled.
“Now who’s stalking who?” Again, not thinking before
speaking. Cassie tried to hide her laugh. Mason just smirked, not
taking his eyes off me. “Sorry. My brainmouth thing is on delay.”
I twirled my finger in the air around my head.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Cassie said, hugging me again.
“Sure.”