Hard To Love (10 page)

Back at the party, nobody had even noticed that I had stormed
out. I avoided eye contact, tilting my head forward to let my hair
cover my face as I searched for my purse. I was sure my make-up
had run, but I didn’t have the time to check it. I just wanted to find
my purse and go home. However, because I was in such a hurry, I
bumped into someone, turning automatically to apologize, when I
came face-to-face with Mason. It felt as though everything was
going in slow motion as our eyes met. I gasped, shocked and
unable to move, clenching a fist against my chest. Mason’s brow
furrowed, and he stared down at me with pained watery eyes. His
mouth parted slightly. Then as he tried to say something, his breath
caught in his throat, and he stood there, wide-eyed, before backing
away. I exhaled, realizing I had been holding my breath the entire
time. I turned and ran to the bathroom. The evidence of my pain
was all over my face.

“Damn it
,” I gasped and covered with paper towel gently
dabbing at the streaks of mascara. It took a few minutes, but I
managed to make myself look presentable. When I came out of
the bathroom, I saw Nick searching for someone and before I
avoided him I noticed my purse was in his hands. I closed my eyes
and sighed.

I nodded and smiled thinly, cupping my hand over his. He held
out my purse, I grabbed it, and then turned around to leave.
“Are you leaving?” he asked. Slowly turning back towards
him, I nodded. He looked around the room, then back at me.
“Would you like me to take you home?” he asked.
“No,” I blurted. “I’m just going to take a cab.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Lauren.” He reached for my arm, but I
backed away, shaking my head.
My breath hitched. “I can’t,” I whispered, feeling the tears
begin to well again. I turned and walked away from him.
“Lauren,” he called, but I continued walking.
I was tired of feeling hurt and disappointed. What I should have
done was stick to my guns and avoided dating all together. I knew
I wasn’t ready.

Sunday went by quickly. Most of it was spent in my room,
sleeping or avoiding my mother. I was in no mood to explain how I
made a fool of myself at the masquerade ball. I heard her knock
on my bedroom door a few times, but I never answered. My cell
was turned off; I wasn’t in the mood for Cassie either. Then I saw
that she had she stopped by, but my mother turned her away,
thankfully. My mother tried to lure me to the kitchen with my
favourite hazelnut coffee and double-stuffed chocolate fudge
cookies, but when I refused, she brought it up to my room. Being
humiliated made me want to move back to L.A. Matt had never
left me feeling this way. I found myself longing for him once
again. It may have been a year, but the pain felt like only yesterday
that he had died.

It was after six when I finally pulled on a pair of jogging pants
and a sweater, and then went for a jog. Stopping only once I
reached the gravel parking lot of the forest leading to the waterfall.
I made my way across the parking lot towards the forest glancing
around a few times, to see if anyone else was there. When the
coast was clear, I made my way through the brush, walking deep
into the forest, jogging again, burning off the anger and pain that
festered within me. The mist from the waterfall caressed my cheek
as I got closer to the waterfall. As it came into view I stopped and
stood far from the water. I just stared at it, my heart slowing its
pace. “Why are you back?” Matt appeared. I screeched and turned
to face him. “This place is dangerous. It has tried to take your life
on more than one occasion, darling.”
“I needed to see you,” I gasped, as the tears filled my eyes.
“You have to stop searching for me. You need to start a new

life, without me,
my love.” He sighed.
“I don’t want to.” I dropped to my knees, sobbing. “Things are
too hard.”
“You are making it harder than it needs to be.” He moved
closer.
“What does that even mean?” I replied angrily. Matt’s ghost
started to dissipate. “Matt! No, please don’t go. I don’t want to be
alone anymore!” My fingers kneaded the fallen leaves and soil as I
fell to the ground.

When Monday morning came, I chose to stay in bed again.
There was nothing else for me to do. When I turned on my cell
phone, all the messages started flooding in. I scrolled through the
texts. Most were from Cassie, a few from Mike. I stuffed my
phone back into my nightstand drawer and fell back asleep.
Around noon Mrs. Peterson called and asked if I could work. With
little hesitation, I agreed because I needed the distraction. After
getting dressed, I went for a jog on the beach. Subconsciously, I
hoped I would run into Mason, since this was a place was
supposed to be peaceful to him. A glutton for punishment, I know.
Luckily, he was not there, and I jogged longer than I intended to.
When I got home, I ate, got ready for work and then left.

Being at work was the best distraction I could have asked for. It
also helped when Mike invited me to his place after work, with
everyone else. Happily I accepted the invitation, for that night and
the few more nights that followed. I knew being around them
would take my mind off everything else. What I discovered about
Mike was he was into Jennifer but not the way she was into him.
She was falling hard for him but he still had wondering eyes. I
didn’t make it my business to point it out. I had only known them
for a few weeks so getting involved in what they wanted everyone
to see as a relationship was their business.

Eventually, jogging on the beach or in the forest became a habit.
I was desperate to run into Mason. I wanted to see him badly.
Before I knew it, the week was over, and the new week had begun.
I did everything I could to force Mason out of my mind.
Alcohol helped a bit.
When I had finally returned Cassie’s texts, I explained that I

needed space. Being around her and possibly running into Mason
was just too much. I assured her that it was temporary. She didn’t
respond so I assumed she was pissed at me.

On my way home one morning, after spending the night at
Sam’s, I stopped at the gas station to get gas. I pulled up to the first
gas pump, lifted the nozzle, pressed the trigger then leaned back on
the car watching the numbers flip me into a trance, as it filled the
tank.

“Hey
, you,” someone said, pulling me out of my daydream.
Startled, I turned to see who it was. “Nick—hi.” I gulped.
“How’ve you been?” he asked, stuffing his hands in his pant

pockets, leaning against the gas pump.
“Okay.” I smiled and shrugged.
“That’s good,” his said with a forced smile.
“Uh, h—how have you been?” I asked, a little nervous. My

eyes darted to the pump, watching the numbers again.
“Better, since Mason left.” He chuckled, running his fingers
through his hair and glancing over his shoulder. When he looked
back at me, he saw the look on my face. Mason had never told me
he was leaving town. Many thoughts ran through my mind. “He.
Never. Told. You?” His head went back a little, and he inhaled.
The pump clicked to a stop, forcing me to look up at it. Then my
head slowly shook as I look back at Nick.
“When did he leave?” I asked, my voice broken.
“Uh—the night of the masquerade,” his replied, head tilted
slightly. “My mother tried to talk him out of it, but he was drunk
and kept muttering that he had to get away. My father was a bit
surprised when he arrived in the middle of the night.”
“Where does your father live?” I asked.
“Bellingham . . . Washington.”
“Oh.” I bit my bottom lip. “Was it b—because of me?” I asked,
fighting the tears. His brow furrowed and his lip twitched.
“No. That would be a stupid reason for him to leave. If
anything, it should have made him stay.” He reached out, taking
my hand, his thumb brushing over my knuckles.
I nodded my head, trying to smile. The gas attendant’s voice
came out of the speaker above our heads.
“Is there a problem?” he asked. I turned and looked over at the
kiosk, shaking my head.
“It was good to see you, Nick.” I said, letting go of his hand.
After replacing the nozzle on its hook, I walked towards the kiosk.
“Yeah . . . you too.” He said. “Hey.” He called out and I turned
to look at him. “Cassie is worried about you.”
I nodded. “I’ll call her later,” I said.
“I’ll tell her,” he said.

When I got home afterwards, my mother was in the den. She
looked up over her book and glared at me. I cowered, realizing I
had not checked in at all this past week. Slowly, I made my way
into the room, taking a seat next to her.

“I’m sorry
,” I said immediately.
Her eyes glared. “All I ask is for you to give me a heads-up,
Lauren. You are living under my roof again. I don’t want to worry

that something has happened to you
when you don’t come home
for a week and don’t answer your phone.” She put the book down
on her lap and crossed her arms.

“
About my phone,” I grumbled. “I lost it, and then when I
found it, it was dead.”
“I see.” She got up from the chair with the book in her hand. “A
package came for you,” she said, placing her book, open and face
down, on the coffee table.
“A package?” I followed her down the hall.
“Yes, it’s on the counter.” She walked up the stairs.
“Who is it from?” I asked, standing at the base of the staircase.
She shrugged, and then disappeared.
I went into the kitchen and grabbed the package on the counter,
then pulled the scissors out of the rack. I cut it open, and reached
inside. A silky fabric was in the envelope. I pulled it out and
placed it on the counter. I stared at it then as I unfolded the silk
tears filled my eyes; it was my mask. Also inside the envelope was
a letter. Slowly, I unfolded the paper. I couldn’t believe my eyes
and what timing, really.
He wasn’t even in town and he was making me cry.

I know this isn’t going to make any sense, but you deserve
the truth. I’m not perfect. I know I have made mistakes. I
promise you, I never meant to do those things to you. But if I let
myself fall for you, I don’t think I’ll ever recover. I’ll never be the
same, and that scares me. What you feel—SCARES me.

I covered my face, holding back the tears. What a coward he
was. At least I tried. I put myself out there again even though I
never wanted to. I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my
life with the man I loved, but then he died. I didn’t get a choice,
but I tried, again. I should have listened to Cassie.

It was like watching paint dry as I waited for her reply. With my
arms on the table, I laid my head down, dozing off a little. Then as
soon as I heard the familiar ring tone I sat up, answering.

“Cassie,” I answered. She told me
she was outside my house. I
grabbed my jacket on the way to the door.
“Hey,” I said, walking towards her.
“We’ve missed you.” She held out her arms, pulling me in for a
hug as I got closer.
I sighed. “I’ve missed you too.”
“Are you working tonight?” she asked.
“Yeah, but I am off Thursday and Saturday if you want to get
together,” I answered.
“Do you work late?” She asked.
“Until close. Then I usually go to the bar with the crew after
work,” I replied.
She asked, “What bar?”
“Shattered.” My brow furrowed.
“If you go tonight, then call me. We’ll meet you there,” she
said. I looked at her, then over at Charlie. Was she serious?
“It’s not your kind of place,” I replied.
“What kind of place is that, Lauren?” she asked, crossing her
arms.
“Well, it’s nothing like Gravity, and the crowd, well—there is
little to be desired,” I replied.
“You think I can’t blend in with your new friends?” She acted
as though I had insulted her.
My mouth dropped, and I felt as if I was being attacked. This
was not Cassie at all. “That’s not what I—”
“Just call me if you go,” she said, then got in the car.
“O—okay, I will,” I said and stepped back from the car as
Charlie pulled out, both of them waving as the car drove away. I
stood there a little longer, wondering if Cassie was up to
something. Normally, she wasn’t so—short with me. I glanced at
my watch; three hours before I had to start work. I went back in the
house and turned on the television for a bit.

Later that night after work, Mike did invite me to go out with
the group to Shattered. I almost declined. I knew if I showed up
there without telling Cassie, it wouldn’t be a coincidence that she
happened to pop in and find me there, and then she’d be furious. I
hummed and hawed over the idea of inviting her all night.

“A
close friend of mine said she was going to join us tonight,” I
said. “I haven’t seen her for a while, so she wants to catch up,” I
added.

“It’s all good
, Lauren. The more the merrier,” he said, patting
my shoulder as he came in from the back area.
“Cool,” I said and sat at the table by the kitchen, waiting for
everyone, sending off a text to Cassie at the same time.

10:49 p.m. Me: So I’ll meet you there just after eleven?
10:51 p.m. Cassie: We are already here.
10:55 p.m. Me: Okay. Then I will just head over now.
10:56 p.m. Cassie: See you soon.
Good thing I texted her, if I had shown up without contacting
her there would be hell to pay. I went to the back to let Mike know
that I was heading out and that I’d meet them there. He nodded
and then continued cleaning the grill. Jennifer asked if she could
come along. Apparently she was in dire need of a drink and fast. I
agreed with a smile. Then we walked out to my car.

The bartender smiled and waved as we walked in. I had been
coming here a lot lately, so she recognized me right away. Jennifer
walked up to get a drink, and I searched for Cassie. I heard my
name and noticed someone was waving me over. Cassie was
sitting with Rebecca. I smiled and took a seat.

“I love this place
, very rustic,” Rebecca said, sipping her
umbrella drink. I smirked, and then looked at Cassie.
“How have you been?” I asked and looked around for Jen.
“Good,” Cassie replied. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, I was just looking for my friend. I left her at the bar. I’ll be
right back,” I said and got up.

When I returned to the table with Jennifer, all the seats were
filled. Charlie, Trevor and Nick had joined them. I stared at the
sea of smiling faces. Wasn’t expecting to see Nick with the crowd
tonight.

“Hey
,” Charlie said over the music. “Grab a chair.” I turned
and asked the group of girls behind us if I could steal a chair.
Jennifer and I shared the seat.

“Did you want to play pool
? There are two tables left,” I asked,
thumbing over my shoulder.
“Sure,” Nick replied with a thin smile. I got the feeling that
Nick also didn’t know that I was going to be here.
“I’ll pay for the tables. You go sit over there before someone
else does,” I said and got up, walking away.
From my peripheral vision, I watched as they made their way
over to the two empty pool tables. My nerves calmed knowing
Cassie wasn’t up to anything. However, seeing Nick was a little
nerve racking. Once I paid for the table the bartender handed me
the rack and balls. I carried the two sets over to the tables.
Ten minutes later Mike, Sam and Kelly walked in. I spotted
them first and walked to greet them by the bar, then walked back to
the tables.
“Mike, Sam, Kelly, this is my best friend, Cassie; her boyfriend,
Charlie and their friends Rebecca, Trevor and Nick.” I pointed to
them individually. Everyone nodded and shook hands, chatted a
moment before grabbing a cue to start playing.
We mixed up the teams this time—Cassie’s idea.
“Okay—me and Kelly.” Cassie smiled at her. “Charlie and
Mike.” Both guys nodded. “That takes care of this table. What’s
your name again, Hun?” Cassie asked, pointing to Jennifer.
“Jennifer.” she drew her name out. Her head turned, and she
looked at me. I shrugged, screwing my lips bashfully. Cassie was
awfully bossy tonight.
“Right, you and Trevor, Nick and Lauren.” I smiled thinly, then
walked over to the bar stool and took a seat. That explains why she
wanted to set the teams. It had nothing to do with getting to know
my new friends.
“You can break first,” I said to Jennifer and Trevor. Nick stood
next to me but didn’t say anything. I couldn’t tell if he was
nervous about being around me or if he just didn’t care anymore. I
had been a bit jaded since the whole Mason debacle. Nick heard
me mutter curses under my breath as I scolded myself for thinking
about Mason again. “Are you talking to yourself?” He chuckled.
“No.” I laughed, gulping. “Just thinking out loud, I guess.”
“Okay then.” He smirked, taking a sip of his beer. I watched as
his lips wrapped around the bottle. The muscles in his jaw tighten
as he swallowed and then Trevor called out that it was Nick’s turn
breaking me out of my little trance. I turned my head, looking
anywhere but at Nick. I watched as he took a shot, along with the
next three.
“Nice job, partner,” I said, holding out my hand. He gently
slapped it, and then stood next to me, discussing what I should do
next.
Jennifer chuckled, and I looked at Nick with an arched brow.
“Oh, by the way, Lauren is a lot better than she lets on,” Mike
said, pointing over at me. Trevor laughed. Mike added, “Seriously,
our first night playing pool, she almost cleared the entire table on
first break.” Then Trevor stopped laughing and turned to look at
me. I shrugged, smiling.
“Glad you’re on my team,” Nick said smirking and craned his
neck to look at me, then gave me a playful nudge. I couldn’t help
but smile.