God's Little Freak (7 page)

Kevin’s
Presentation is this coming Sunday, when he will be introduced to the congregation. The pastor will ask all kinds of questions in front of the congregation to show to them that they indeed learned something in Confirmation classes. On occasion he will also begin a discussion on a topic on which they will have to elaborate off the cuff what they have learned, like what one has to do to be worthy of God’s mercy and so on. Kevin has no fear about that at all. What concerns him most is that he is going into his Confirmation without being able to communicate with God properly. That just seems wrong and he doesn’t know whom to talk to about it.

What are the chances that
they will discuss sexual matters in church? Zero. In nearly two years of Confirmation classes, the only discussion they had about sex was related to sex before marriage, which was between a man and a woman. Kevin thought that the pastor explained it pretty well. He said that one should not have sex before marriage, because then you would steal something special from the person who they would marry and make an oath to. And that if you want to have sex with someone, you should (then) only do that after marriage, so that you can share that something special with the one you love.

Kevin keeps his ears open
more often and finds that everyone his age is very much aware of sex. Most of the boys already wank or know what it is. Those who say they don’t wank are often the same guys who claimed they read the Bible every day when they were in grade 2. Kevin admitted once in class, when a teacher asked him, that he didn’t read the Bible every day because it was a difficult book to read. All the other kids were appalled by it. But those who said they read the Bible every day couldn’t even read ‘Jack and the Beanstalk,’ which is an easy book. That made Kevin wonder if they really read the Bible and now he wonders if the same guys really don’t wank. They are clearly not honest and he wonders what they are hiding.

Kevin wonders why the adults don’t want to talk about sex. At school they talk a bit about
it, but that is generally the
how-to
of it and nothing more. He is not comfortable asking Mrs Walton, who teaches it, any questions about it. All the church people say is that you shouldn’t do it. You shouldn’t wank, shouldn’t have sex. But, is wanking sex? Or kissing? Or giving someone a blowjob? Kevin didn’t have the courage to ask that either. “Don’t do anything, yet everyone does something. It’s as if the whole world is playing pretend-pretend,” Kevin thinks.

One thing i
s clear: when Kevin did his Catechism, he realised that there are many ways to interpret a piece in the Bible and that the context in which it was written is very important. He fully understands the importance of Theology that aims at explaining the context, the culture, the translation and the interpretation of a specific text in the Bible. Often the original meaning he had about a text was completely different once he understood the context in which it was written. This was explained to him best with an example of the Holy Communion.

In Corinthians
Paul says that “whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord.” This is then interpreted that there should be many rules and regulations to show a person’s worthiness when participating in the Holy Communion. However, the context in which it was written is that the people in Corinth were getting drunk on the wine, the Blood of Christ and indulging in the bread, the Body of Christ. Communion is not supposed to be a party and when one knows the context it is better understood.

Kevin didn’t have the courage to ask about the context in which the
texts about homosexuality were written. As Kevin is thinking about all of this he realises that he isn’t quite the same as he was some time before. He asks fewer questions and sometimes none at all. “What happened to my curious nature?” he wonders.

Although Kevin went th
rough all kinds of emotions this week, by Sunday, the day of his Presentation, he is doing fine. He is doing more than fine: he is in good spirits. He has been waiting after all for this moment for nearly two years. His parents have bought him a suit and although he is only supposed to wear it at his Confirmation, he decides to wear it anyway, because he looks good in it and it makes him feel confident.

The church service i
s structured very differently from the usual and each of the Confirmation candidates has to read something from the Bible and answer questions about Luther’s interpretations. Since Kevin likes public speaking, he is eager to do as much as he can and the pastor has to make sure that he doesn’t run the show, so that everyone has an equal chance. In the discussions, Kevin responds brilliantly and his huge general knowledge helps him along. He is articulate and confident and presents with alertness. Everyone is impressed, not only by the entire presentation that the pastor prepared, but also with Kevin personally. “You can be really proud of your son,” some tell his parents. “We expect great things from him,” says another. Kevin feels on top of the world. Now he has to wait only one week for his Confirmation. All is not lost. He still has his hope to change.

During t
he week Kevin sees Michael only twice. It’s less frequent than any other week since they first kissed on the piano chair. It isn’t on purpose, merely that their schedules are quite hectic because they have to do all the music exams as well. With four instruments, Michael seems to have an exam almost every day. On both occasions nothing sexual happens and Kevin thinks that it is a great sign for things to come and that indeed he will change after his Confirmation.

On the Sunday
he wakes up early and gets dressed. He is ready even before his parents get out of bed. He is so impatient with everyone and just wants to go to church. Finally, when they arrive at the church, everything has been beautifully decorated by the parents. There are flowers everywhere. One of the parents puts a flower in his lapel. He notices that with women it is upside down, so he asks why that is. She says that ladies have their own perfume, so they don’t have to smell the flowers like men do. Kevin shakes his head when he thinks about this.

The hall is also decorated and after the service they are going to have lunch with the whole congregation. There are a lot more people than usual, because some of the family members have come from afar for the occasion. Two of Kevin’s three godfathers are present, too. Brendan’s father, Uncle Brian, is also there, so he sees Brendan again for the first time since St Lucia. Kevin still finds him attractive, but in a different way from Michael. He wants to speak to Brendan, but finds himself surrounded by people.

The church service has
a festive atmosphere. The brass band plays, the choir sings and the organist puts in more effort than usual. Confirmation is basically a renewal of baptism vows, but this time instead of his parents making the vows, he does. Kevin knows the vows his parents had to make, because he has seen other children baptised. He thinks that his parents did a fantastic job of leading him towards God, as they vowed to do. Here he stands, making his own vows now.

After the second reading, the Gospel reading, all the Confirmation candidates are called forward. They, along with the pastor, all kneel down and
say the Apostolic Creed. Kevin knows this so well because they say it every Sunday, but today it is even more special and he concentrates on every word. After that, the pastor says, “You have confessed the faith as a group; now I ask each one of you individually: Do you intend to remain and grow in this faith by the grace of God? If so, then answer, ‘Yes, with the help of God’.” Kevin is first so say, “Yes, with the help of God,” and then the pastor moves on to all the others. And so Kevin is confirmed.

“This is it! All is done.
I am one with God. No longer will I live in sin,” Kevin thinks while he listens to all the other candidates making their vows.

The sermon i
s about the reality that although this is a major “yes” to God, the journey continues. The pastor explains it by comparing it to flying abroad. Firstly, the day before you fly, you have to call the airline upon which, the operator would then say (at the end), “Your flight has been confirmed.” That’s what Confirmation is all about. But you still have to get to the airport, still have to get on the plane and while flying, the auto pilot adjusts the plane about every minute to ensure that the plane remains on course to its destination.  “This is a great way to explain Confirmation,” Kevin thinks.

After the service and the
consequent photo shoot that doesn’t seem to end, everyone goes to the hall. The newly -confirmed members of the congregation sit together with the pastor at a table. Kevin is pleasantly surprised when he sees how many cards and gifts there are for him. Never before did he receive so many cards and books on one day! He feels like royalty. Everyone around him helps to make the day as special as it should be. After lunch, everyone goes home. Most of Kevin’s family who came to his Confirmation also leave, because they have a long way to travel. Kevin never gets a moment alone with Brendan to speak to him.

At home, after all the excitement of his C
onfirmation dies down, Kevin thinks about the day. It was wonderful, definitely one of the best days ever. He is still in two minds about today and the day that Michael kissed him, but these two days are definitely in his top three favourite days. He would have wanted Michael to have been there, but he knew that wasn’t possible. Not only because Michael’s presence would clash with his attempt at change, but also because Michael’s family don’t really go to church. He wonders what it will be like to see him again.

On Monday, Michael has a recorder exam, so Kevin ca
n’t see him. He notices however that he doesn’t feel particularly different towards girls at school that day. In fact, he has to remind himself that he is actually supposed to like girls now, and that only happens after second break. “This isn’t right,” he thinks.” I’m supposed to be different now.”

The next day he can’t wait to see Michael. After school he changes
into something more comfortable and then goes to Michael straight away. When he sees him, he is excited. He hasn’t seen him since Thursday the week before. They hug and then one thing leads to another and soon all their clothes fly off. “We haven’t done any of this for more than ten days!”  Michael says. Kevin feels as if he has no control over his feelings and his body because he is also rather horny. When they are done, he is more uncomfortable than ever before and can’t get dressed quick enough.

“Hey, what now?
What are you doing?” Michael asks.

“Nothing
,” Kevin says. “I have to go now.”

“But, we’ve…”
Michael tries to interrupt.

“Bye
,” Kevin says and storms out.

After the exams, it
’s finally school holidays again. Kevin is done with primary school and will go to high school next year. His parents want him to go to Hermannsburg, which is a German private school, but Kevin has convinced them that he rather wants to stay in Vryheid like his brother did. “Our children save us money,” his father says to his mother. Marcus is finished with school completely and would go to Pretoria University to study engineering next year.

This year, Kevin and his family stay at home for Christmas. Kevin wishes that they could go away
, so that he could get away from Michael. He doesn’t know how to deal with him anymore. He wants it all to end because he feels his relationship with Michael is interfering with his relationship with God. He can’t remember the last time he had any meaningful conversation with God. And, whenever he sees Michael, he still feels in love with him, but it doesn’t grow as much as it used to. Once upon a time he was excited that he and Michael would be in the same school, since Michael is a year older, but he doesn’t feel like that anymore. The guilt of their relationship is killing him. He feels so weak for not being able to resist the temptation that comes with Michael’s presence. He now frequently lies to Michael to avoid contact, but often runs out of ideas or simply misses him. After another wildly sexual experience, with the guilt that followed, he decides that life as he is living it, cannot go on. Something has to be done.

The following day, Kevin arrives at Michael’s since they have plans to go
swimming. Michael asks, “Where’s your bag with your costume and towel. I thought we were going to swim today.”

“I don’t feel like swimming to
day. We have to talk,” Kevin says.

“OK, what is it?” Michael asks
.

“I don’t think we should see
each other anymore,” Kevin says.

“Oh, come on. What nonsense is this? Let’s go and get your c
ostume and go swimming,” Michael says.

“
Pleas,e Michael. Don’t make this harder than it already is!” Kevin shouts. He exhales deeply, pulls his hands through his hair and then rests them for a moment over his face.

Michael speaks
very fast, “Kevin, I don’t like this. This is not you. I know you and this is not you. Go home and we can speak again tomorrow.”

“No, could you just listen for a moment.
” Kevin is trembling. His stomach is turning and he is nauseous. “I’ve tried to make this work, but I can’t. As long as I’m with you, as long as we continue with whatever it is we have, I will live in sin. It is driving me insane,” Kevin says.

“It’s called love, Kevin,
whatever we have is called love,” Michael says and a tear runs down his cheek. Kevin has a huge lump in his throat and also feels like crying, but forces himself to be strong. “Have courage, Kevin!” he tells himself.

“Are you listening to all these fools? Th
ey don’t even know what love is,” Michael says as he begins to sob.  And then Kevin says, “I have to go now.”

“No, don’t go, Kevin, you don’
t want to do this,” Michael says through his tears. He steps closer, but Kevin pushes him away.

“What are you doing, Kevin? You are hurting me!
” Michael finds a grip on Kevin and holds on.

“Let me go! I have to…”
Kevin says.

Michael interrupts and says,
“I don’t want to let you go. If I let you go it would be the greatest mistake ever. I love you!”

“But if I stay, it might be the greatest mistake ever!”
Kevin groans while trying to break free.

“A mistake?
How can you say that? Was all you felt a mistake? This is real, Kevin!” Michael cries louder and completely uncontrollably. Kevin tries to loosen Michael’s grip. Michael yells, “Kevin!” and keeps on crying.

Eventually, Kevin
gets rather aggressive and forces Michael off him. When Michael tries to come closer again, Kevin pushes him away, hard enough that he falls on the floor. He takes a glance at Michael, lying on the floor crying like a baby. Without saying another word, he turns around and walks out. He barely makes it out of the house, when he too starts to cry.

“
This was hard, so difficult,” he thinks. Kevin starts running because he doesn’t want Michael to come after him and see he’s crying, too. If he sees Michael now, he might not have any strength left. He keeps running faster and faster.

After a while, he i
s exhausted and far from Michael’s home, so he stops. He has the most terrible feeling in his chest; he feels he can’t breathe. His shoulders are slouching with his arms hanging by his side and his head bowed down. He too is crying while walking on the road. He agrees with everything Michael said. He loves Michael dearly, but he also loves God and had to choose. “It had to be done,” he thinks. Kevin feels as if something inside him has died. It’s an awful feeling. He isn’t sure what it is, but he feels dead and heavy. He hopes that this dead feeling inside him means that the sinful urges also die. He has done the hardest thing he ever had to do. “This must work. This is it,” he says out loud as he raises his head.

At home, Kevin turns off his cell phone. Michael is trying to call and has
sent two text messages already. He falls on his bed with his face into the pillow. He breathes into his pillow, until he almost can’t breathe anymore. “If I die now, I’ll be with God and all this pain would be gone,” he thinks.

Just then, hi
s sister knocks and opens the door. “Get out!” Kevin yells. “But I…” she says. “I don’t care. Get out! I don’t want to talk to you. Leave me alone,” he shouts at her.  Klara is the last person he wants to see. She would try and give him advice. A part of him already wants to go back and apologize to Michael. “I have to persevere,” he thinks, “I have to be strong now and soon I will feel better.”

Two days later and Kevin stil
l hasn’t left the house. He doesn’t want to see anyone and still doesn’t feel any better about Michael. He can see the pain on Michael’s face when he closes his eyes. When he turns on his phone again, he has 14 messages from Michael that vary from angry words to desperate pleas. “How dreadful is next year going to be,” he thinks as he deletes Michael’s number. He was so excited about high school before, but now he doesn’t want to go.

He decides
to stay at home during the holidays. The West Indies have a cricket tour in South Africa and they still have four five-day matches to play. Kevin plans to watch cricket, ball-to-ball coverage as they would say. He likes sport, so why not? Every day he gets comfortable on the couch with loads of refreshments next to him, to see him through. He is eating constantly.

On the fourth day of the first match he watches,
Klara tries to talk to him. As soon as she mentions anything about God, he flips out and tells her he doesn’t care. He tells her that he really wonders if God actually could speak to people directly and if it wasn’t just another thing that children imagined. There is Santa Claus and the Easter bunny, both stories of nonsense, just for kids. Maybe God is just an invention for kids, too. He certainly doesn’t hear God anymore and no matter what he does, how tough things are, God doesn’t want to help him to change. Klara is hurt after that outburst. She doesn’t know her brother to be like this. The same evening she talks to her mother about it, because she is concerned about her brother.

His parents
have both noticed a difference in Kevin. They knew from Marcus that teenagers have their mood swings and try not to bother him too much, merely reminding him to talk to them, because it is obvious that something is wrong.

Michael sends him a message and says
that he would not go to the same high school anymore. He convinced his parents to send him to Hermannsburg. “It will be easier for both of us,” he writes. Michael continued that it would be really difficult if he has to see him every day and experience the worst day of his life over and over again. In another message a bit later, Michael says that he is convinced all this talk about God is pure nonsense. “We are told to believe that God is one of love, yet when you saw love, right in front of you, you walked away from it, because God demanded it. I cannot believe in such a God,” is the message. “Not believe in God?” Kevin thinks. “Then maybe it was right after all to break up with Michael, because he can’t be in love with a person who doesn’t believe in God. Kevin never replied to any of Michael’s messages, not even one, even though he wanted to.

By
the next five-day cricket match that is taking place in Cape Town, Kevin realizes that he has to snap out of it. His parents are all over him. He is fighting with everyone in his family and this can’t go on. He decides rather to pretend that everything is OK and go on with his life as normal as possible. He likes sport and knows that in January the first thing that always happens is athletics. He can start preparing for that now, even though it is still before Christmas. If he puts in all his attention to be as successful as possible, then everyone would be happy and leave him alone as long as he is keeping up appearances.

He immediately gets
up from the couch and dresses to go for a run. Even though it is blazing hot, he runs for more than an hour and feels so much better afterwards. He decides to do that every day, but earlier in the morning, when it isn’t that hot. He is definitely on the right path now; feeling better about everything. “Life isn’t that bad,” he thinks. He also decides to quit playing piano. It would just remind him of Michael and he wants to get away from anything that reminded him of Michael and whatever sinful stuff they had. His parents are taken aback by that. “But you love music,” his father says. “Why quit now when you were doing so well, winning prizes and all?” Kevin is adamant that he wants to concentrate more on sport and doesn’t want to play the piano anymore. His parents reluctantly accept his decision. Marcus also quit music when he went to high school.