God's Little Freak (10 page)

“I’m getting angry because you don’t know what the f
uck you’re talking about. I’m angry because it isn’t true!” Kevin yells. He feels like getting up and leaving, but that would be rude.

They
go back and forth for the rest of the session and when time is up, Kevin storms out of there. There is no way that he could have possibly been molested by anyone. His parents always knew where they were and would never allow anything like that to happen to them.

Kevin ca
n’t think about anything else for the rest of the afternoon. He consistently screws up at rugby practice. At home, he is pacing up and down in the passage. “It was one thing to attack him, but to attack his family? What an insult! Who the hell does she think she is?” he says out loudly.

His father comes
home first, because his mother is working the late shift until seven o’ clock at the hospital. “How are you? How was your day?” his father asks.

“OK I guess, but I want to talk to you about what the psychologist said today. It really do
esn’t make any sense,” Kevin says.

“Sure, let’s go to the kitchen so that I can start cooking i
n the meantime,” his father says.

His father i
s trying to get a piece of meat out of the deep freeze. He is already agitated because he has to unpack half the freezer to get the lamb chops. “So tell me, what did she say to you today?” he asks.

Kevin replies,
“She said that I was molested when I was younger. Do you remember…”

Kevin’s father interrupts
him, “Molested? You? By whom? Where the hell does she get that idea from?”

“I
asked her that too, but she said that it was her assessment and she was trained for it and all of that. But I can’t remember anything,” Kevin says.

Kevin’s father has
a really bad German temper and when he gets angry it isn’t pretty. He is yelling like mad, “What’s that bloody woman’s number? She works from home, right?”

His father gets
on the phone and calls her. When he starts talking to her, he remains calm, but Kevin feels that his dad is about to explode. All of a sudden, he yells, “Based on what?!” Kevin’s father continues yelling and shouting and cursing the psychologist for nearly five minutes. Eventually he tells her that she doesn’t know what she is doing and that Kevin will never go back to her. He hangs up and says, “You’re not going back to that bitch. I’ll make another plan.”

When Kevin’s mother ge
ts home, Kevin’s father has already cooled down. He tells her about the molestation thing. She is furious and says, “What’s that bloody woman’s number?” Kevin’s dad calms her down and says that he already called her and told her to go fuck herself, so there is no need for her to lose it too. They’ll have to find another psychologist. His mother says that someone at hospital told her about a psychologist in Newcastle who doesn’t take a year to get something done and that she’ll give him a call tomorrow.

It i
s nearly the end of the year and Kevin is studying for his science exam. Whenever he studies science, he thinks of what his grandfather said: “You have to keep an open mind.” He knows what it means; that whatever appears to be true, is in reality not true, or something like that. But, how do you know that you have an open mind? Some people, who claim to be very open-minded, still believe that the earth was created in seven days and that the earth is not older than 12 000 years. They won’t even consider the possibility of evolution. In fact, they don’t want to look at any evidence of evolution either.

Kevin feels
that having an open mind is at least to consider the possibility of something, try to find evidence or proof of that possibility and then at the end come to a conclusion. He wants to ponder more about this, but needs to finish preparing for his exam. This is something that he would have enjoyed talking to God about, but God doesn’t want to talk to him anymore. He misses that a lot, because nobody else, except maybe his father would talk to him about these kinds of things. At school most kids don’t wonder about any of these things, let alone understand.

He
has a new girlfriend, Paula. It took a month or two to get over Karen. After her, he decided that he should find a girl who wouldn’t be interested in any kissing or smooching or anything remotely similar. He thought it would be safe to find a serious Christian girl who does not believe in any form of sex before marriage and feels extremely strong about it. At the same time, she should be cool with life and not annoying. By annoying he means giggling, talking about 7de Laan or any other shallow stuff.

So, he joined the CSV or Christian Students Society. After a while, he liked Wendy and made an attempt to become better acquainted with her. But the first time they were together for a
moment, she made a move on him. That time he knew how to stop it and became extremely rude playing the Christian card. He never wanted her near him again and quit the CSV at the same time.

Then he met Paula who i
s in the junior play with him. He is playing the husband and she is playing the wife of a very dysfunctional, yet funny family. Kevin feels that she was the only one who really knew how to act and finds conversations with her stimulating. She is the same age as him and they are together in some of the classes but Kevin didn’t pay any attention to her before. When she told him that they were in the same primary school, he was blown away! But at least now he gets to know her a bit better with the play and that’s a pleasant surprise. They’ve been together since about the beginning of the third term, so she is the longest relationship he has ever had. At one time, his mother thought he was going to be like his brother when it came to girls.

When the school holidays co
me, Kevin is bored and he is not the kind who can sit around and do nothing. They are not going away and his father’s brother and his family are only coming later during the holidays and he needs to do something until then. A real concern to him is his relationship with God, the fact that there is none. He goes to church, reads the Bible, attends Church Youth and has read all eight books that he received for his Confirmation and prays daily. Even though he doesn’t get any reply or answer to his prayers, he vows to continue. In his Confirmation sermon the pastor said that the flight continues and is adjusted every now and then.

Kevin wants
to find out whether or not he is still on course. He cannot decide anymore. He is active on every level possible at his Church Youth. His relationship with God seems fine from everyone else’s point of view, but from his own point of view, it’s not fine at all. He knows it can be better and must be, because he remembers it being better than now.

Hi
s plan is to read through the entire Bible. Yeah, even Kevin thinks it is ridiculous to spend a school holiday reading the Bible, but he never read the Bible before. He read pieces of it, but never the whole book. “There should be something in it that will guide me,” he thinks.

So
, one evening he has time and opens the Bible and starts reading about the creation. Near the end of chapter 1, Kevin stops. He freezes completely. What he read struck a nerve. He reads it again and again. “Could this be?” he wonders. “Yes, it could,” he hears. It’s God’s voice again for the first time in more than a year. He knows what he reads must be true, but he cannot believe it. He reads aloud, ”God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” Could it be that he is not a freak, but very good?

God
made him. And what God made, is very good. Could it be that God made him this way? And that he is still very good this way? Kevin sits and ponders about it, this way and that way, this way and that way, but comes to the same conclusion. God must have made him like this. He starts to cry. Within a moment he begins to cry uncontrollably, crying into his pillow so that no one hears him. What has he done? In spite of all his efforts, he was revolting against God. For the last few years he has been praying to God asking him to change him, because he wasn’t made correctly. He was basically telling God to fix his mistake that He created. What arrogance! He can’t do that! Of course God is upset with him. Of course God doesn’t want to speak to him. He was insulting God regarding his creation. He was sinful in the worst way possible. It all makes sense now.

Kevin kneels next to his bed and prays
, “Please forgive me for my arrogance. Please forgive me for my vanity; that I had the audacity to tell you to change me, when you in your infinite wisdom created me very good. I have no right to dispute how you created me. Please forgive me for this. Forgive me for insulting you. It was not my intention. Forgive me for my lack of understanding.”

Kevin goes
on praying like this, tears running, repeating himself over and over. He feels he has to pray over and over to undo the hundreds if not thousands of prayers he made before, asking God to change him.

“It is forgiven, Kevin. You can sto
p crying. I want to talk to you,” God says.

Kevin ca
n’t stop crying. The mercy and grace he feels and experiences from God is overwhelming! He has just realized how sinful he was for the past several years, yet God forgives it in an instant. In his heart he is praising God in every way possible, but can’t stop crying.

After
a long, long time, Kevin calms himself down and composes himself. He is exhausted by what has just happened, but he feels wonderful. A major burden has been lifted. He feels free. He has a headache from all the crying and his body feels extremely weak, but he has to talk to God now.

“
Are you there, God?” Kevin asks.

“
I am here, always,” God replies. “Quite some insight and wisdom you gained tonight. I am proud of you.”

“I’m sorry it took so lon
g and I hope you can forgive me,” Kevin says.

“It is already forgotten,
” God says.

There
are so many things Kevin wants to talk about, but he can’t think of anything now. Everything has suddenly changed with this realisation. He needs to get a new perspective over his own life.

“
So being like this is OK?” Kevin asks.

“Of c
ourse. That’s how I created you,” God says.

“So, I’m not a freak?” Kevin asks.

“You’re not a freak. And even if you were a freak, you are still
my
little freak,” God says.

Kevin smiles at that. It’s wonderful to talk to God again.
“But why did you make me like this?” Kevin asks.

“You’ll have to learn the answer to that yourself. At least you are back on the road less travelled. There is still a lot you have to do though. The
journey is not done, not by a long stretch,” God says.

“I understand.
There are…“ Kevin starts crying again. He can feel a sensation in his heart. “What have I done to Michael? Oh God, I was such an asshole!” Kevin exclaims.

“You were indeed. I told you:
courage, Kevin, courage. You’ll need courage,” God says.

“But I
was
courageous! Do you know how hard it was for me? I love Michael. I love everything about him. I did it for you. It took great courage!” Kevin says.

“Did it
for me? Or did it for the world? You convinced yourself that you did it for me, but you were influenced by the world and in the end the world won. You did it for the world, because the whole world wants you straight, or so you think. Love is the most beautiful thing. I created you to love. I would never condemn true love from the heart. I am Love and you and Michael expressed that love to one another,” God says.

“But Michael doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t
even go to church,” Kevin says.

“You don’t n
eed a church to love. Michael is doing exactly what I created him for. He isn’t trying to be good, like you. A lot of people make mistakes because they try to be good, instead of just being. He is just being who he is. And so, my love (that he has as well), is allowed to flow. What I don’t have from Michael is a relationship with him. And I would like that more than anything else,” God says.

“You said:
I was trying to be good. What is wrong with that?” Kevin wants to know.

“The biggest problem man has is that he lives under the illusion that he
knows
good from evil, but he doesn’t. Look at all the destruction, death and pain man is causing. Look at history. Chaos is everywhere. Do you think that was done by people who run around and think they’re going to be really evil and bad and destroy everything? No, it was done by people who thought they did the right thing, that they were good. Every war is justified as good according to man, yet in my eyes, no war is justified. People believe the lie of the serpent that he can know the difference between good and evil to this day. It is explained if you read the following two chapters in the Bible where you started. It is a lie: man does not know the difference between good and evil. You have to face this fact, or else you and mankind will not move forward. You still have to
learn
good from evil,” God says.

“So I shouldn’t try to be good? That so
unds really strange,” Kevin says.

“You should be who you are. That’s w
hy I said before: just let it be, Kevin,” God says.

“I still don’t understand that, but I
rather want to talk about Michael. You know how much I love him. I thought it was courage that made me hurt him like that. I never spoke to him after that, because I couldn’t explain to him why I had to do it and now you are telling me that what we had was what you made us for? So I did it all for nothing? The hardest thing I ever did in my life was for nothing? It can’t be!”

“It can be, Kevin.
I see it every day,” God replies.

“But why w
as it so hard then?” Kevin asks.

“Because you knew it was not what you wanted and you went against you
r own will. You knew your relationship with Michael was true and real and innocent. You knew you were hurting Michael and still went ahead, and in the process your soul was screaming in pain because by hurting Michael, you hurt yourself as well. Your soul was made to love. You knew you were destroying love and you knew there was no justification for what you did. Yet you still did it, because you believed a lie. You don’t need courage to destroy love. I hope you learned now that
it takes courage to love
. You were not courageous, Kevin. You were a coward.”

Kevin is
quite upset and says, “I don’t think that’s fair, God. There is a lot of evidence that led me to come to that conclusion. Surely those responsible should take some of the blame as well?”

There i
s no reply.

“God?”
Kevin asks again.

It i
s silent again. “How bad is that?” Kevin thinks. “After lifting me up, God tells me that I’m a coward.” Kevin isn’t very happy with that. No one ever called him that before.

That night, Kevin can’t sleep. His mind is racing with one thought after another. There i
s so much he has to process. So, being different like this is not a sin? And everybody seems to miss that? And how does it happen that Michael, who does not go to church and does not have a relationship with God, ends up pleasing God more? That seems cruel.

He spends a long time processing his new reality.
He then prays to God again and says that him being different is their secret and that he was glad that he could clear things up with Him, but that nobody else needs to know.

“It doesn’t wo
rk like that, Kevin,” God replies.

Kevin
says, “I know how to make it work and I’ll show you how that it is possible. I’m just glad we have a relationship again.” Kevin has figured it all out. He will have his secret but without the guilt that comes along with it.

The next day, Kevin and his mother
go to Pick ‘n Pay. He tells her that he wants to go and see what protein shake he should get because he wants to prepare for athletics again and maybe it would help. He is standing at the end of the aisle, looking at all the different products, reading the labels to choose one. He suddenly feels a strong urge to turn around and when he does, Michael is standing right in front of him. Kevin has all the same feelings like before, the feeling of the stomach contracting, the warmth in the chest, that old horniness feeling, difficulty breathing; everything is suddenly back, except, he has to hold his tears back. Michael is much bigger than he remembered and more beautiful than ever.