God's Little Freak (12 page)

At the end of the year it
is once again time to go on holiday to St Lucia with Aunt Sally. It won’t be as long as before because they have to return before Christmas in order to pack and move to Johannesburg, since Kevin’s father has to begin working on the 3
rd
of January next year. At some point they had wanted to leave it altogether, but then thought that a holiday before the big move would be exactly what everyone needed.

Marcus
is not going to join them, because he is on a trip overseas. That doesn’t bother Kevin. What bothers him is that he is going to see Aunt Sally and Uncle Brian, and Brendan will not be there. That doesn’t seem like a great prospect for him and if he could have escaped this holiday, he would have.

O
n the way to St Lucia, Kevin doesn’t speak at all. He is staring out of the window, looking far into the distance. At other times he counts the telephone posts passing by and sees how many he can count before he blinks. Klara isn’t saying much either and he wonders what she is thinking about. His relationship with her is definitely not what it used to be. Looking at her, he notices that she has actually grown and is mature already. He wonders if she has any of the struggles that he has or whether she is going to glide through life like Marcus.

His parents a
re once again arguing about what music to listen to - as always. Kevin has just about enough of that and says, “Do you ever listen to yourselves? You can argue about music and radio stations for ever and it has been going on my entire life! Stop it! You are like little kids, damn it!”

Kevin’s father quickly change
s the radio station again and then says to his mother, “You have to stop arguing now because you are upsetting the children.” His mother is smiling and doesn’t say anything, as if she has been reprimanded by her mother.  About ten minutes later she says, “I’m changing this rubbish. I’m falling asleep here!”

“Then sleep. You’
re not driving, so what is stopping you?” his father says and changes the radio station back again. And so it goes on.

At the lodge where they u
sually stay, Kevin’s parents are unusually happy and cheerful. It irritates the crap out of Kevin. He unloads most of the luggage by himself without saying a word, just to get away from there. As soon as he is done, he tells his parents that he is leaving.

“Don’t you want some
thing to eat?” his mother asks.

“I’m not hungry. See you later
,” he replies and walks off. He walks towards the town this time and not the forest. He is walking with his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground and isn’t interested in anything around him. He can hear people already swimming at nine in the morning and then only realizes how hot it is. He isn’t walking particularly fast, but keeps going to the end of the road where it turns into the entrance of the town to go over the bridge. He wishes he could be on his way again. “There is nothing to do in St Lucia. Why the hell did we come here again?” he wonders.

Before the exams started, he broke up with Paula. He didn’t see the point of carrying on with their relationship
when they moved to Johannesburg. He found it easier to break up with her, because he blamed circumstances for his decision. He misses her now, though, and wishes she were here with him. Then he wouldn’t feel so alone now.

When he gets
back, Aunt Sally and her family are there too and say that they are going to have a braai later, since they had a late breakfast. Both Aunt Sally and Uncle Brian look visibly older than the last time he saw them. When he looks her in her eyes, they seem a bit moist, but she isn’t crying. He feels a deep sadness when he looks at her eyes. He definitely preferred the dreaded Aunt Sally from before.

That evening at the braai, K
evin’s father and Uncle Brian are standing around the fire talking about all kinds of problems that South Africa faces politically and economically. Kevin finds that such conversations are easier to listen to when he is having a beer and since his parents don’t mind that, there is no harm. Klara and Emily are sitting by themselves talking about school and boys. Although at times he feels like agreeing with what they say, their conversation doesn’t interest him much. He sits by himself staring into the fire.

Once
he has finished his beer, he walks into the kitchen to get another one. His mother and Aunt Sally are talking about Brendan while preparing salad. Aunt Sally is doing most of the talking and his mother listens. Kevin thinks of his mother as a good listener and knows Aunt Sally will feel better afterwards. He stands there and listens for a while. He’s been trying to ignore everything about Brendan, but it seems impossible. He misses him too.

“I can’t imagine how it is to lose a child, but you can’t die as well
, Sally.  What needs to happen for you to move on?” his mother asks after a while.

Aunt Sally replies,
“I don’t know, but I’ll think about it. People say I just have to accept it, but I will never be able to accept it. The best I can do is learn to live with it.”

“How far ar
e you with it?” his mother asks again.

“At least it doesn’t affect my work anymore. I’m a good mother
towards Emily. It’s been tough for her too and Brian said I was overbearing for a while. That’s true. I was too protective and nearly smothered her. It nearly destroyed our relationship, but it’s much better now. I guess when the guilt subsides it will be a big break. No one knows why he did such a dreadful thing. I feel somehow responsible for it, for not knowing my own child. I feel like an awful mother.”

“Guilt
,” Kevin thinks and walks away. He has heard just about enough for now. He goes back to sit in front of the fire. He thinks that listening to his father and Uncle Brian moaning about corruption and mismanagement in government sounds far more pleasant than what is going on in the kitchen. As he is staring into the fire, all kinds of memories of Brendan run through his mind. His also thinks about what Aunt Sally said. He re-affirms that suicide is not an option for him because he doesn’t want to see his mother suffer like that.

That evening Kevin
doesn’t sleep much. Although he has sleeping tablets, his mother said that he shouldn’t take them because he was drinking. So the night goes on for eternity with his mind running endlessly all over the place.

The next day
, after breakfast, Kevin heads for the forest again. He used to like walking around there, but now tries to avoid it. Since Brendan is on his mind in any case, it doesn’t make much difference anymore. Seeing some monkeys playing, he has a bit of a smile. He thinks back to the last time he was there, when he still thought of himself as an explorer. When he comes to the section where it divides into two, he once again thinks of ‘The road not taken.’ He hasn’t thought about it for such a long time. He remembers that little boy and it feels as if that boy is a thousand miles away and wonders if he will ever be like that again. He thinks of Brendan and Michael and wonders what his life is like now and then sighs and says, “Oh God!”

“Yes?” is
the reply.

“God?”
Kevin asks.

“Yes
! I’m here,” God replies.

Kevin i
s smiling, “How are you?”

“Same as always
,” God replies. “You?”

“OK, I guess. Well actually not. I hate my lif
e. Everything here is so shitty,” Kevin says.

“Everything around you is s
till the same. You have changed,” God says.

“I disagree. Brendan is gone. Aunt Sally is near a breakdown and
I’m so depressed I want to die,” Kevin mumbles.

“And there you have it. You are supposed to live. Brendan died and so did Aunt Sally. She didn’t have to
“die” with Brendan,” God says.

“But she lost her son.
That’s quite tough!” Kevin says defensively.

God replies with a question,
“Do you think I don’t know that?”

Kevin thinks
about it for a while, breathes in as if he wants to say something, but then remains keep quiet.

“I see you’ve been enjoying the pleasures of both worlds
,” God says.

“Great, are you judging me now?”
Kevin asks.

“No, but clearly you judge yourself by saying that. I mere
ly make an observation. You had Paula in the one hand and everything else in the other. I don’t judge you, but I did often wonder how this situation could ever bring you peace,” God says.

“There is no peace, OK. But I don’t think
there is anything wrong with Paula. We’re great friends and I will miss her when I go to Johannesburg. She was very happy about our relationship too,” Kevin says.

“No doubt she was
from your perspective. But do you think she would have felt the same if she had the full picture? If she knew about your relationship with Michael would she still have felt the same? If she knew you avoided intimacy with her, would she then still have felt the same? And if she knew you were giving and receiving blowjobs from other guys, would she still have treasured your friendship the same way? You’ve been showing her only a part of yourself and for any kind of relationship truly to work, you cannot reveal only parts of yourself,” God says.

Kevin is qui
et for a while, and then he mumbles, “I guess you are right.” He points out to God that some people are coming towards him and doesn’t say anything else.

“You have stolen the gift of choice that I have given
to Paula, from her. If she knew everything, she may have chosen differently. You may still have had a wonderful friendship which would have been rewarding to both of you. She thought she was with someone that she could see marrying one day. Do you think you treated her fairly?” God asks.

After the people pass,
Kevin says,“I didn’t know that. I screwed up, OK. I really didn’t know that. If I knew then…”

“At least
now, you stand up and own up. It is a pleasant experience. I wish you would have stood up when you were in that seminar and the speaker blamed his parents for being gay. Your take of it was correct. Why didn’t you say anything?” God wants to know.

“Because…, b
ecause I didn’t want any attention on myself. If I had asked a question or made a comment, everyone would have known something was wrong with me.”

“Would they
really have known? And you know this because?” God asks.

“OK, OK, I don’t know that, but I just didn’t want to. OK!” Kevin
says bombastically.

“Coura
ge, Kevin, courage. Earlier when you were at the crossing, did you think of our conversation then about the road not taken? On which road do you think you are?” God asks.

“I’m not on either one of them. I find myself in this
hole I can’t seem to get out of!” Kevin exclaims.

“Then stop digging! You bring it upon yourself. No-one else causes you to be in a hole except yourself. Stop digging!
Stop lying and deceiving yourself and others. Be yourself. Have courage and find the joy in life. Life is for living! You can start now by making this holiday a bit more fun. Everything that you used to enjoy is still here. You have changed and therefore you can’t seem to find joy in anything. This is important. You’re going to a new city and a new life and very few people get a second chance to change something. You have it now and you must stay focused and have courage!” God says as if he is giving a command.

“OK, I’ll give it my best shot. Let’s see what happens. Thank you so much for the chat.
It was hard, but I like chatting to you. Hope to have one again soon!” Kevin says.

Kevin continues
walking and thinks of all the things he used to like about St Lucia - like swimming, fishing, going out on the boat, watching game and so on. Sure, he can see the joy in that. That’s easy. Until now he hasn’t felt like swimming, but surely he’s not too old for that. He also thinks of the possibility of maybe telling his parents about his sexuality and maybe even telling Aunt Sally so that she knows it was not her fault that Brendan committed suicide. He wishes there were a way that he could tell her without spilling all the beans completely, but can’t find any other way. He decides to go for a swim, rather, and figure everything out later.

At the swimming pool, he
is once again excited by some of the guys and thinks that there is nothing wrong with looking around. He makes the decision though not to do anything sexual with anyone because he needs to stay focused. After swimming for a while, some guys want to play volleyball, but need more players and ask Kevin to join them. He enjoys it a lot.

While walking home
later, he thinks of all the different things to do to have fun and that one can make a lot of new friends without wanking with them too. The rest of the day is fantastic! Kevin has a new sense of determination and focus and he is intent on making this work. He has done some very stupid things in the past and he surely doesn’t want to repeat them.

That even
ing he has a beer and sees that Uncle Brian is drinking brandy and coke. He has never had brandy before and asks his father if he could have some.