God's Little Freak (4 page)

Three days later and Kevin
still has no clue what to do. He is avoiding his parents because of his watch and he knows his mother is already wondering what is wrong with him. Soon he’ll have to face her. He also hasn’t been wanking for four days now, but still doesn’t feel any better about it. What about all the other times he wanked? What about all the guys in St Lucia he wanked with? Did he lead them astray as well? He now knows that Brendan wasn’t too keen to show him how to wank and he kind of pushed him to do something as well. Kevin feels like the devil in disguise. He also hasn’t spoken to God for four days. He just can’t speak to God at all. He keeps on thinking about how much he enjoys wanking, so he enjoys sin. How bad is that?!

In Mr
Van Kerken’s history class the page is open on the Second Boer War, also called the Second Freedom War. Kevin is not in the mood to learn about this today. He would rather learn about European history. Mr Van Kerken reads a paragraph and then describes what happened over a hundred years ago.

Suddenly, as if something flew into him, Mr V
an Kerken asks the class whether they have read about the church’s apology for Danie Botha, the musician, for his remarks on gays.
1
Kevin’s heart is pounding and his hands are visibly shaking and beginning to sweat as well. “Is he going to talk about that now? No, I’ll rather learn about the stupid Boer War!” he thought. All Kevin knows about Danie Botha is that he is a singer, and he likes the song,
Wenners, wenners, wenners
. He always finds it is inspiring to listen to before athletics or rugby. His mother has a few of his CDs, but his father doesn’t like him. His father doesn’t like any gospel music - says that it lacks depth. His father says that a better song before rugby is,
‘You’ll win every fight you fight, every game you play’
by Helmut Lotti. Kevin, though, likes Danie Botha’s music.

Mr V
an Kerken tells the class what Danie Botha said: “Those who practice homosexuality and lesbianism will open their eyes in hell and will not see the Kingdom of God.”
2
Kevin can’t believe what he is hearing. He feels that he cannot breathe and is jittery. “Will I go to hell now? I can’t go to the Kingdom of God because I like other boys and not girls? This is awful. How will I change this?” he wonders. “I don’t want to go to hell. I have always been a good boy and love God very much. How can a singer say this about me?”

“
The church is wrong to apologize for Danie Botha’s statement,” says Mr Van Kerken. “What Danie Botha says is the truth. He himself said that it is not his opinion, but the Word of God.” Mr Van Kerken pauses for a while, looks out of the window and continues, “The church doesn’t represent God’s Will anymore. They change all the time as it suits them. Thank goodness for people like Danie Botha, who still tell the Truth.”

For the remainder
of the class Mr Van Kerken went on and on about this topic. For the rest of the day Kevin is finished. He can’t concentrate; can’t think about anything else except the fact that he won’t go to Heaven. “I haven’t spoken to God for four days and already I’m sad. Imagine being without God for ever and ever. That would be so miserable!” he thinks.

That Friday afternoon it i
s his friend Andrew’s birthday party and Kevin is invited, but he doesn’t want to go. Kevin’s mother is concerned because he hasn’t been himself the entire week. She didn’t hear him laugh once and now he doesn’t want to go to a birthday party and swim?

“
Kevin, what is going on?” his mother asks.

“Nothing,
” Kevin says.

“Don’t tell me
it’s nothing. I am your mother and I know you. What is the matter? You’re clearly unhappy about something,” his mother says.

Kevin remembers
about the watch and although it is painful to admit that, he thinks it’s better than telling his mother he’s going to hell, because he likes boys and wanking, too. He begins to cry, “I lost the watch you gave me,” he says. “I’m really sorry. I know you trusted me, and I didn’t want to disappoint you, but I forgot it in the bathroom and then it was gone,” Kevin tells her while crying uncontrollably. He hasn’t cried like this since he broke his arm. He feels like such a baby, but can’t help it to sob and gasp and cry. His mother holds him against her and says, “It’s OK, it’s OK, don’t worry.” But Kevin holds her tight and just keeps on crying and crying, louder and louder. The floodgates are wide open. This is unbearable for his mother and she has to hold her tears back. He never cries like this and she feels frustrated that he won’t stop. After what appears to be an eternity, Kevin lets her go and sees that half of her blouse is completely wet with his tears. His nose is running and he feels silly for being such a baby.

“Don’t be so h
ard on yourself,” his mother says. “It’s just a watch. Remember last year when Aunt Sally was hijacked? It was just a car, she said afterwards. Luckily, she was fine. It’s an earthly thing.”

“Thanks fo
r understanding, Mom,” Kevin says, “but I still don’t want to go to the party.”

“You don’t ha
ve to. I’ll let his mother know,” she responds.

“I’m so tired. I think I’
m going to lie down for a while,” Kevin says and goes to his room.

Kevin’s mother is deeply distressed. She knows
that Kevin can be a bit tough on himself. She didn’t realize how much he liked that watch. “Maybe I should get him another one,” she wonders. “And Kevin sleeping during the day? He hardly did that even when he was a baby!” she thinks. “There must be something wrong. Maybe when he wakes up I’ll have another chat with him.”

Kevin is exhausted. He fa
lls on his bed and doesn’t even change out of his uniform. He falls asleep immediately. While sleeping, he has nightmares that he and Brendan are in hell, burning and shouting. Eventually he wakes up from it. He still feels so tired when he wakes up. He really wants to talk to God now. This time he thinks, “I felt so much better telling my mother about the watch. Maybe I’ll feel better talking to God too.” He remembers that God said that he’ll need courage. He gathers all his courage and then says, “Hello God, I’m sorry that I didn’t speak to you for so long.”

“Hello Kevin. I’
m seeing your suffering and it is not necessary. Please, never stop talking to me. I’m here for you always and I want to help you,” God replies in a calm, fatherly voice.

“I’m sorry for being sinful
. I’m sorry for wanking and liking other boys and looking at their packages and everything. I promise: I will stop! Please do not send me to hell!” Kevin says loudly and starts crying again.

“Don’t cry, Kevin. I don’t send anyone to hell.
I won’t send you to hell either,” God says.

Kev
in keeps on crying uncontrollably. “Please God, I will change.” God tries to intervene. “Kevin!” he says, but Kevin carries on pleading, “I will do everything you ask of me. I will change and stop being sinful. I don’t want to open my eyes in hell. I always loved you and I still do. I will change. I promise!”

“You have to listen to me…
” God says.

“I am listening!”
Kevin replies out loud.

“You’re not
,” God says.

At
that moment Kevin’s mother comes into the room to see why he is crying again. He is kneeling on the floor; his hands gripped together, his face on the floor.

“Kevin?
What is going on?” she calls out with some desperation in her voice. “Please talk to me,” she says. Kevin doesn’t reply and keeps on crying. His mother thinks it might be easier for him to talk to her in a different environment, so she tells him, “If you want to, we can go to the Wimpy for a bubblegum milkshake.” At that point, Kevin stops crying and has a bit of a smile. He likes bubblegum milkshake. “OK,” he says. His mother is relieved that at least he is willing to do that. “Quickly change into something else and then we can go,” she says.

Kevin does
n’t say a word on the way to the Wimpy. He is thinking about the last words God said to him before his mother interrupted, “You’re not listening.” “Not listening to what?” he wonders. He is listening to what Mr Van Kerken said about Danie Botha’s statement and surely God is also speaking through them. At least He said he isn’t going to hell. That doesn’t make any sense. Is he going to hell, or not? At least he feels that he can speak to God again.

At the Wimpy he has
a bubblegum milkshake and his mother has a strawberry milkshake. She tells him that if he ever feels that he wants to talk about something, he should let her know. She loves him and there’s nothing that can change that. Kevin wants to believe it, but wonders, “What happens if I tell her what I’m like? Will she still love me? Maybe she will think I am a freak. Oh, so, that’s why Brendan said he’s a freak.” Everything Brendan said makes so much more sense now. Kevin tells his mother that he will talk to her if he has a problem. He is unsure of whether he is telling a lie or not, because he doesn’t think she can help him. It’s not really a problem she can help him with. After a while they are talking about other things and Kevin feels a lot better. His mother really knows what to do.

Later that evening
Kevin’s father and mother are chatting in the kitchen. Kevin is watching TV alone when his father comes and sits next to him. He puts his arm around him and says, “I think we should go fishing tomorrow - just you and me. What do you say?” Kevin’s eyes light up. “Sure!” he says. He wasn’t that fond of fishing because in his entire life he only caught one fish, well three, but two were too small, so he had to throw them back. He is glad that he is going to spend some time alone with his dad.

The next morning
at the dam, Kevin and his dad are sitting side by side chatting about all kinds of things. His dad knows how much he likes history and science and is telling him about Galileo, Kepler and Copernicus and the stars and how it was discovered that the world was moving around the sun. His father also explains to him that the church at the time was not very happy about this discovery, because they believed the sun revolved around the earth. Galileo was put under house arrest for his final few years before he died, because of his discoveries.

“But
he was right. Why did the church put him under house arrest and declare some of his work as heresy?” Kevin asks.

“During that time, the church decide
d what was true and what wasn’t,” Kevin’s father replied. Kevin thinks that the church was extremely stupid. If there was proof of the fact that the earth was moving around the sun, how could they deny it? Even he as a 13 year old boy can understand that.

His father also tells him the same thing his mother did:
that he can share anything he wants with him. Kevin wonders if Marcus and his dad also had this conversation and if Marcus also wanks. But he quickly puts the idea of his brother wanking out of his mind. It isn’t a pretty picture for him. But he is sure that his father is one of the few people who never wanked.

Later that night, b
ack at home, Kevin is confused about the church. They said the earth was flat, but it isn’t. They said the sun revolves around the earth, but it doesn’t. Now, they apologise for Danie Botha’s comments and Mr Van Kerken says they shouldn’t. “Does anyone know what they are doing?” he wonders.

“No, they d
on’t.” God answers his question. “Remember Jesus said ‘Forgive them, for they know not what they do?’ That applies to the world today just as much as it did then. That’s why I need explorers for the road less travelled. Do you remember our conversation about that?”

“Yes, I do
,” Kevin replies.

“
You have to be brave. Do not fear, and please do not fear me. You are very special to me and I don’t want to lose you. People and their ignorance will lead you astray if you don’t listen to me,” God says.

“But I
do
listen to you,” Kevin says.

“Did you listen to me during this week?”
God asks.

“No, but…”
Kevin says.

“There is no but.
You didn’t listen to me, because we didn’t speak to each other. If you want to be an explorer, you cannot simply accept what others say. Imagine if Kepler, Copernicus and Galileo just accepted what the church had told them. Where would the world be? Find the truth, Kevin,” God says.

“But
what is the truth about wanking and stuff? I feel this is too much for me,” Kevin says as if he is moaning.

“It’s not too much for you. Have courage! You will grow up very quickly now and there are many changes going to happen in your life. You will feel even more confused, but do not fear, for I am right here
with you,” God says to console him.

God continues,
“Also, it is time for you to realize that when you think you talk to me as God, you talk to the Holy Spirit and sometimes Jesus himself. The Holy Spirit doesn’t yell and shout. If your mind is full of personal monologues or you have images of hell and fear, you will not hear the quiet guidance of the Holy Spirit. Be aware of this!”

“Why don’t you just answer my question?”
Kevin asks with a frown on his forehead.