God's Little Freak (3 page)

A few days pass
and Kevin’s entire family are enjoying their holiday in St Lucia. Over Christmas time they spend one year with his mother’s family and one year with his father’s family. Kevin prefers to spend Christmas with his father’s family, because then at least they go to church, have a Christmas tree, sing Christmas carols and do everything that is traditional Christmassy. His mother’s family is not really into Christmas stuff and has a different approach to God. Kevin thinks that this is causing the difference in how they perceive God.

After Christmas they
usually spend a day or two at Cape Vidal, because St Lucia is overrun by thousands of people and over New Year his father doesn’t want to be there anymore.

It’
s a day before Christmas and Kevin’s father makes a Christmas tree the day before Christmas, as is tradition. Normally, the family is not supposed to see the tree until Christmas Eve, but that doesn’t happen anymore. Kevin thinks it is a small and ugly tree and prefers a real tree and candles over the plastic lights, but he is glad that they have a tree at least. All the presents come out and are placed under the tree. Kevin is surprised to see that Klara has a gift for everyone. He decides to get something for everyone, too. Christmas is supposed to be about giving and, actually, he has never given anything before.

Apart from that, his sex
ual endeavours continue. He had taken up Tommy on his offer since he now knows what wanking is. That is great, but Kevin doesn’t like Tommy very much and has decided not to go there again. Klara likes his mother a lot and goes there often. Kevin doesn’t understand this. She even gave her a Christmas gift!

He
has managed to lure two other boys from the swimming pool into the path that goes to the forest and wanks with them. This is extremely exciting for him. His favourite remains Brendan, but for some reason Brendan treats Kevin differently every time. Sometimes he is sincerely nice to Kevin and other times he gets angry and rude. Kevin realizes that Brendan would at least be nice to him if he didn’t talk about wanking at all.

But Kevin wants
to talk to him or someone about it. He feels driven by these feelings in his stomach all the time and sometimes finds himself not being able to think clearly. His body seems to have a mind of its own and he is so confused about it. Invariably he finds himself staring at other guys and looking at their packages. He has never done this before. How can all of this change so quickly? He thinks of talking to his parents about it, but decides not to. He doesn’t know where to begin and really hopes for some guidance from Brendan.

When he speaks
to God about it, he continuously gets the same line of “just be with it.” Kevin is frustrated by God’s apparent unwillingness to explain certain things to him.

“You need to find out what is going on, and then we can discuss it. I can’t talk to you about the war in Iraq because you don’t know
anything about it. If you know more, then communication is possible. Similarly, just be with it and see where it leads to,” God says.

Kevin tries
to “keep an open mind” as his grandfather said and to see where this is going. He doesn’t mind it much, because he has his new adventures. The only thing that bothers him about it is Brendan’s behaviour.

The next day i
s the 24
th
of December. Kevin has some gifts for his entire family, including Aunt Sally. It’s nothing special, just something he found at the curios huts. He is quite proud of the fact that he even negotiated a good discount. That evening they all sing some Christmas carols with Marcus playing guitar. Usually they would sing in German, but because Aunt Sally’s family is English, they all sing the English words. Thankfully, because it’s so hot and there isn’t a proper stove, they all have cold meats and salads instead of the dreaded turkey.

After dinner, it i
s time for the gifts. Marcus has been designated to hand out all the gifts to everyone this year. Kevin is extremely happy about his gifts. Klara made him a picture of a tree made up with different seeds she glued together. The best gift he receives is from his mother. It is a beautiful watch, with a stopwatch that he can use for sport training. He can’t believe that he got such a big gift. Neither can his father, who only sees the watch for the first time when Kevin unwraps it. He has a tiny argument with his mother because it is too expensive. “He’s too young for it,” his father says. Kevin snaps back, “I’m not too young! I’ll be 13 in February!”

It’
s a wonderful evening and the atmosphere is peaceful and relaxed. Later that evening, Kevin lies on the grass and looks at the stars, thinking of the real meaning of Christmas. He doesn’t grasp all of it, but he knows that God loves us all so much that he gave us his Son. Why his beloved Son had to die such a gruesome death a bit later, he doesn’t get. He knows it is for sin, but struggles to get a concept for sin. All of this doesn’t worry him too much, because he is preparing for his Confirmation. Next year he will finish learning about everything.

The following
day they go to Cape Vidal for three days. They snorkel, swim and braai, and enjoy themselves a lot. They drive around in the Nature Reserve and see rhinos right next to the road. None of them has ever been so close to a rhino. Kevin and Brendan disappear once behind the dunes.

On the last day, they leave early again. They all say
their goodbyes and best wishes for the New Year. Kevin and Brendan hug each other one last time. They have become great friends in a strange way and Kevin knows he is going to miss Brendan.

It i
s the first day of the new school year. Kevin doesn’t mind going back to school, because of the long holiday. And what a holiday it was! The first week of a new school year is always chaos. Nobody knows where to go and everyone is busy with athletics. The first Saturday is usually when they have their school athletics. Kevin is great at that, especially hurdles, which he usually wins. He also does well in short distances and long jump.

Once again
, Kevin is surprised to notice that all the boys at school look completely different. He wonders how many of them wank. By now he does it regularly. He wonders how many already have pubic hair. How many are like Brendan and how many are like his brother? He doesn’t approach others in Vryheid, because of what Brendan said. He trusts Brendan, so he is a bit more careful with what he shares with others. This doesn’t stop him from wondering about all sorts of things, though.

At school most of the teach
ers he has are different from the previous year. He likes most of them, especially Mr Van Kerken who is his history teacher and a bit odd. After a few weeks Kevin thinks that his surname is quite fitting. He rambles on and on about how bad and evil Madonna and Lady Gaga are. It seems like he hardly likes any form of music or anything on TV. He manages to change every history lesson into some form of Bible study. At first Kevin didn’t mind it, but now he wants to learn about history without the constant raging about everything that is wrong in the world. From time to time Mr Van Kerken talks about something he has read in You, People’s magazine or Joy!

Shortly after his birt
hday, when he became 13 years old, Mr Van Kerken has another one of his rages. This time it is about wanking or masturbating and how bad it is. He mentions that the Bible says it is wrong in the eyes of God and that such people are dirty and disgusting. Kevin is in shock. “Is he talking about me?” Kevin wonders. “How could he possibly know?” I wank every day. He doesn’t remember where Mr Van Kerken read it in the Bible and he is too scared to ask. He wants to read it again in the Bible, to see what it says.

Kevin is
stunned about what Mr Van Kerken said about wanking. He can’t concentrate at all at school for the rest of the day. He wonders how something so adventurous can be so wrong in the eyes of God. It’s something he’ll ask Him later.

The same afternoon he ha
s to practice for swimming. When he changes into his costume, he hardly notices anyone else. He takes his watch off and puts it on the wash basin and then drinks some water from the tap. During the entire time of swimming practice he doesn’t focus at all. He also doesn’t pay any attention to the other guys as he usually does. He thinks about questions like: Is he evil if he enjoys wanking as much as he does? And if he is so evil, how does God feel about him then? And why didn’t God say anything about it in St Lucia? Why is God silent when what he does is apparently so terribly wrong?

After swimming, Kevin changes
again to go home, but can’t find his watch. He remembers that he put it on the wash basin, but it isn’t there anymore. He has lost his watch. What a terrible day this is turning out to be! He likes that watch so much and now it’s gone. What will his mother and father say? His mother even said that he was big enough to have such an expensive watch and now he has proven her wrong. On his way home, he is crying. He hasn’t cried for a long time but all of this stuff about wanking and now his watch that is gone on one day makes him very sad. He doesn’t feel like going home. He doesn’t know how to face his mother. “What am I going to say to her?” he wonders.

Normally in a situation like this, he talk
s to God about it. But all of this news about wanking also makes him feel that he cannot face God. He’ll rather leave it until he finds out what the problem is with wanking. He feels so alone all of a sudden. He can’t face his mother because he screwed up and he can’t face God either. “How strange is that?” he says to himself. This morning he was absolutely fine.

Once he gets home he manages to avoid his mother. He spends
a lot of time in his room and only leaves his room for dinner. His mother is surprised that he doesn’t want to watch Survivor or anything else on TV. Kevin says that he has a lot of homework.

On his cool new cell phone h
e got for his birthday, he can now chat to Brendan. He types out the message on the keypad about what Mr Van Kerken said.

Brendan replies
:
“I told you not to say anything.”

Kevin:
“I didn’t. But it’s as if he knew and he said it’s a sin and evil and dirty.”

Brendan:
“Lots of people wank. You are not the only one, I’m sure.”

Kevin:
“But is it really wrong? Is it evil? Does it make God unhappy?”

Brendan:
“I don’t know.”

Kevin:
“You’re so much older. Can’t you find out?”

Brendan:
“I tried, but everyone has a different answer.”

Kevin:
“But how different? Yes or no.”

Brendan:
“It’s complicated. I told you. Maybe you should try and find out.”

Kevin:
“Where?”

Brendan:
“Figure it out, man. I don’t know!”

Kevin:
“But I liked it so much in St Lucia and it didn’t feel wrong at all.”

Brendan stops replying. Kevin waits
for a while and then sends a message:
“I miss you. Bye.”

Mr Van
Kerken mentioned something about masturbation, which is the fancy word for wanking. Kevin already knew what that means. His mother is a sister at the hospital and she has many medical books about the human body. Books always help him to understand things. He gets them from the bookshelf in the living room and sneaks them into his room. He looks through a few of them and reads every now and then.

In one of the books it talks
about masturbation, but with many big words. He has the dictionary next to him, to help him understand. The explanations are very clinical and describe the process and the action. He already knows what wanking is, because he does it! What he wants to know is, if it is right or wrong according to God, but none of the books say anything about that. It says that most people masturbate on a regular basis and that both men and women masturbate, although men masturbate more frequently than women. The fact that most people do it doesn’t really help him, because most people also lie or don’t tell the truth on a regular basis and Kevin knows that God doesn’t like that. Just because many people do it, doesn’t make it right. Every day hundreds of people are killed in wars which world leaders say is good, but God says that killing is wrong in the Ten Commandments.

At the bottom of one
of the pages there is a reference: ‘See homosexual/heterosexual’.  He turns to those pages and reads all about homosexuals and heterosexuals. It says that homosexuality is the sexual attraction between two men or two women and that heterosexuality is the sexual attraction between a man and a woman. From this Kevin realizes that guys like Brendan are homosexuals and guys like Marcus are heterosexual. It also says that there are far more heterosexuals than homosexuals, about 10 - 12 heterosexuals for every 1 homosexual, which is also referred to as
gay
. Kevin has heard of the word
gay
before, but only now understands what it means. He feels a sexual attraction towards many guys, especially in the last three months, and at the same time doesn’t even notice girls. No girl he ever met gave him the same kind of feeling as Brendan or Tommy or any of the others.

Kevin wants
to get hold of Brendan again to chat about what he discovered. He doesn’t know anyone else that has an attraction to guys, except Brendan, who doesn’t reply.

Eventually Kevin go
es to bed. It is late already. He didn’t brush his teeth and doesn’t care either. While he is lying in bed, his mind is racing like never before. Suddenly his mother knocks and opens the door. “Why didn’t you say you are going to sleep and say good night?” “I’m sorry, I forgot,” he says. “Go and say good night to dad,” his mother says and Kevin gets up again.

Back in bed he has thoughts like: “
Today was an awful day! I didn’t wank for the whole day since my first time with Brendan. I lost my watch and lied to my mother. Today was also the first day I didn’t talk to God at all. I’ve been quite bad today.” Like his watch, he feels pretty lost himself, and extremely lonely.